frustrated over fiance's parents attitude toward wedding reception

[fluffy0]

Okay, let me start by saying that I have never wanted a very big wedding. I am a fairly private person and the idea of getting married for $20,000 in front 200 people never appealed to me. My fiance is the same way and so we decided to have a small wedding from the beginning. Initially, we wanted to have a very small ceremony in my parents' house, with just the closest friends and family. But, as many of you who have planned a wedding know, once you tell your family they all start reminding you of the everyone that you"just have to invite" and suddenly your guest list grows exponentially. In the end we decided to have it in a very small and cheap reception hall, with catering done by a friend of my fiance's family who would do it at a discount for us. My fiance's parents are kind of reclusive so they said they don't want to invite any guests of their own exept my best friend's family whom they know well and two other people, plus my fiance's siblings ofcourse.

 

Well, I recently spoke to my parents and my mom asked me if we had paid for the reception hall yet. I said yes, I did it. Apparently, when my parents met with my fiancee's parents (we live far away from our families and are having the wedding in our hometown so our parents met to discuss some details) his dad said that tehy would pay for the reception hall and their own guests and themselves. Then they promptly called my fiance and said he needs to transfer money to their account so they can put down a deposit. i had said i would pay for it because I didn't want him to put it on his credit card, not knowing that his parents said they would actually pay for it.

 

When I found out I was pretty mad. First of all, I am pregnant (found out after deciding to get married) and so we need to be saving money. Thats why I initially wanted a small ceremony at home but my mom said she would pay for it for us because she wanted to invite lots of people.

I understand if his parents don't have a lot of money but it is very dishonest to say "I'm going to pay for it" and then take the money from their son who is supposed to be saving money for our baby. I feel like tehy just did it to save face in front of my parents but they are hurting us and our future family financially by doing this. I didn't care so much before but now that we are getting married and having a baby I feel like he should discuss really big purchases like that with me. I feel like him and his family went behind my back and my parents's back and set up this whole little scenario.

 

Also, I feel that my parents are being cheated because they paid for everything, including our plane tickets so that we could save for the baby. Yes, I know that it was my parents idea to have a big wedding but it isn't like his parents disagreed and they are inviting some people too plus themselves and I don't think our wedding should be their excuse for a free party. Part of the reason why they don't have any money it seems to me is that they are kind of irresponsible with it (they borrow a lot from my fiance) and it makes me mad that they can weasel their way out of contributing by crying "I'm poor" and that my parents are being punished for being financially responsible.

 

Also, they are inviting this person who rents a room in their house and who knows neither me nor my fiance, which I thought was pretty disrespectful. I don't really want someone who's going to be asking "So, who's getting married?" to be at the wedding We are going to be showing ultrasound pics of our future baby as part of a video and I also don't want a complete stranger to both of us there for that, because thats kind of private. It's like they are not taking it seriously that this is our very special moment to be shared with friends nd relatives, not just some random party.

 

So, my question is, should I make a big deal out of it? My fiance and I get along well on most issues but one big point of contention is the his family, especially his dad, act. It bothers me a lot now that we are having a baby and are going to be very financially strained that they still ask him for money or to borrow money and just seem to me to be asking totally selfish. His excuse is always that they have a lot of medical bills, they are barely surviving, etc. Well, now we are going to be having lots of medical bills, pregnancy is expensive, and they don't seem to care. yet he is really loyal to his parents, especially his dad, and always defends tehm no matter what. I feel like his parents are more important to him then me or his the baby sometimes but I try to just think its me overreacting.

 

It's not even that they can't pay that bothers me but that tehy couldn't be upfront with my parents about it and offer to do something else for teh wedding instead, like help set up or clean up. i feel like if you are inviting at least a few guests of you own you should be helping monetarily or if you can't then with your labor. I don't want to fight over this and I don't want to start off on a bad footing with my in-laws, but I have a hunch that they are going to make my fiance pay for them plus anyone they invite and then tell my parents they are "paying them back" with my fiance's money.But it's also not fair for my parents to be paying for absolutely everything. So should I bring it up or just let it go and let my fiance pay for it and have them pass it off as their money?

[curiousnycgirl]

In my opinion the issue here is not the wedding, and their attitude toward it - the real issue is that they feel the need to impress people by spending money they don't have, and then expect their son to pay.

 

This is a HUGE issue, and not very different then a large issue I have with my family. I think you need to get your fiance on the same page as you on this issue RIGHT NOW. I'm not joking - this can affect the rest of your life and your future financial stability.

 

I am 42 years old and still covering my parents' butts whenever they pull this kind of crap. It prevented me from buying myself a home or even going on vacation for many years.

 

It also caused such turmoil in my life that a man who claimed to really love me walked away rather than being burdened by my family (many years ago - so I'm over it ).

 

My point is that your fiance's parents are not going to change, but he needs to for the sake of his own family (you and the baby).

 

Good luck!

[fluffy0]

curiousnycgirl,

you family sounds a bit like my fiance's. When I first met them they seemed to be nice, normal people, but then when I learned how they handle their family finances I was pretty shocked. Most parents want their children to succeed, but in their family, it seems like the parents just want to keep their kids supporting "the main family" for the rest of their lives. I get really apprehensive every time they call because they are asking for money. I don't want to sound like a cold-hearted greedy bitch, but sometimes I get mad just thinking that a person, regardless of the fact that he my partner, is getting treated like this by his parents. Sometimes it just feels like they have no shame!

 

You are right it isn't just about the wedding. i am a little worried about how our life is going to be if his parents and him think their relationship is normal. We are thinking about him possibly staying home with the baby instead of me, and then I would be the main breadwinner. I certainly am not giving any of my hard-earned money over to anyone but my child and husband!

 

So my question is how did you or anyone else reading this post deal with parents like that? how would you suggest the partner of a person with this kind of parents deal with it? I know that my husband-to-be thinks the world of his parents no matter what, so me saying what I really think of their behavior sometimes will not help. Plus, I don't want to burn any bridges with them since they are going to be my in-laws and are pretty nice to me overall.

[curiousnycgirl]

I have not dealt with my situation in any way that would be acceptable to you (in other words I still give) - so that won't help.

 

Have you discussed this with your fiance? If you can do so calmly, you should be able to have a productive, rational conversation.

 

I would start out by saying that you are feeling a bit scared about finances and your future, both immediate and long term, and that you are not certain you understand why his parents would have offered to pay for the hall, despite the fact that your parents were willing to. Then go on to say that however generous his parents seem to have been (clearly with all the best of intentions) that this was not an expense you had figured into your (really yours and your fiance's) budget and now it is scaring you. Advise him that you are not certain you understand why it is an obligation that you two now need to take on.

 

I think the rst should probably flow from there. Keep it calm and matter of fact. Money can be a huge emotional issue if you let it, however those conversations never end productively. You need to keep it in a rational level.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Mary3]

One thing is for sure :

 

The financially needy in laws you are dealing with will CONTINUE to be needy and selfish at the risk and harm to your baby and your own future family .

 

Can you pre divorce his family ? I think not, because he is a genuine giving man who will give them the baby's milk money if they beg enough for it.

 

This is just scarey !