Would you destroy another person's life?

[Darkzen]

Well, I've done some thinking and I've realized that my beliefs have been destroyed, to a certain extent. My ex of nine years, has pretty much destroyed my life and I'm in an opportunity to destroy her career, as well as keep all the money that's she's worked for. Leaving her jobless, broke and with a pox on her resume. I believe in an eye for an eye, but it more than that. I want her to feel what I feel. I want her to suffer for her actions, so that she can understand the suffering that I experienced.

 

Shes' the reason the relationship failed, I have not a single doubt in my heart. She admits it too. She crushed my hopes, my dreams and my concept of love. She did so and feels guilty about it, but has no desire to make amends for her actions.

 

I've made up my mind on the subject. I'm just curious if others would do the same in my situation. I tried to be the good guy for 9 years and it got me nothing but abused. Worst of all is the lack of empathy on her part. So I figure that by doing this, it'll A) make me feel better that she gets to share my misery B) teach her a lesson so that she kind of understands the pain she caused me C) I get 50k as severance pay for 9 years of pain and suffering and D) It's nothing illegal.

 

I used to be someone that would abhor this type of thing, but like I said, my beliefs have changed due to this entire relationship. I now feel that you must fight fire with fire, because unconditional love and/or understanding doesn't seem to work. I'm fed up with being hurt, when I do nothing but try to help people.

[tirp]

hah you sound alot like me my ex just keeps stomping on my heart and i have never done anything but help and have compassion and understand and care.

now if i was to benefit and be happy in some way because i havent been for months then why not we all deserve happiness right- you only live once

[ijustwannago]

hmm sounds like you've gotta plan and made up your mind. i just want to remind you of karma. she'll get it one way or another. if you'll really sleep better and you think all of that will help you, then you do what you gotta do. i'd like to make some calls myself and pull some strings. but i just want to recover and accept that it's over.

[CaliGuy]

Well, I've done some thinking and I've realized that my beliefs have been destroyed, to a certain extent. My ex of nine years, has pretty much destroyed my life and I'm in an opportunity to destroy her career, as well as keep all the money that's she's worked for. Leaving her jobless, broke and with a pox on her resume. I believe in an eye for an eye, but it more than that. I want her to feel what I feel. I want her to suffer for her actions, so that she can understand the suffering that I experienced.

 

Shes' the reason the relationship failed, I have not a single doubt in my heart. She admits it too. She crushed my hopes, my dreams and my concept of love. She did so and feels guilty about it, but has no desire to make amends for her actions.

 

I've made up my mind on the subject. I'm just curious if others would do the same in my situation. I tried to be the good guy for 9 years and it got me nothing but abused. Worst of all is the lack of empathy on her part. So I figure that by doing this, it'll A) make me feel better that she gets to share my misery B) teach her a lesson so that she kind of understands the pain she caused me C) I get 50k as severance pay for 9 years of pain and suffering and D) It's nothing illegal.

 

I used to be someone that would abhor this type of thing, but like I said, my beliefs have changed due to this entire relationship. I now feel that you must fight fire with fire, because unconditional love and/or understanding doesn't seem to work. I'm fed up with being hurt, when I do nothing but try to help people.

 

Why do you need revenge? What's the point? Aren't you a better person than she is? If you know that, no need to do this.

 

She broke off the relationship, but what you are contemplating is far, far worse. Unless she'd doing something illegal, leave it be and move on with your life.

[Trialbyfire]

Done it and have no remorse about it. Would I do it again? Not worth my personal pain but the backlash is that the consequences caused my ex-H to learn from the experience, therefore he has come out of it a better person.

 

So you decide if you can live with this or not. It's your choice.

[Darkzen]

Why do you need revenge? What's the point? Aren't you a better person than she is? If you know that, no need to do this.

 

She broke off the relationship, but what you are contemplating is far, far worse. Unless she'd doing something illegal, leave it be and move on with your life.

 

The point is my belief in being a good person has been crushed. My belief in doing the right thing, because it's the right thing has been crushed. My belief in the concept of unconditional love has been crushed. Not only that, but when she had the opportunity to do the right thing, she twisted the dagger.

 

It's not so much revenge, as it is justice. Right now she has the attitude of "it happens", that offends me to the very core. Being heartless and cruel doesn't happen randomly, it's a choice. I'm not doing it to get back at her so much as doing it so she understands the consequences of her actions. Maybe that's more along the lines of righteousness, whatever.

 

Also, what I plan to do isn't worse at all. She stole 9 years of my life with lies and deceit. She broke down my ideals and hopes. She robbed me of my drive. 50k and ruining her career (which she only put 5 years into) isn't even enough, because it's not equal imho. When all was said and done, she had the opportunity to make amends and she spit in my face. I want her to understand that she has to be accountable for her actions.

 

She's my enemy now, she's an abomination to everything she once stood for in my eyes. If I walk away and leave it be, I'm only further hurting myself, losing another ideal in the process. The ideal to fight against injustice.

[marlena]

Unless this person has committed some kind of crime against you (and then there are courts for that) my answer would be a definite no. When we enter any relationship, we take a risk... if we are smart, we take a calculated risk, but still a risk nevertheless. There are never any guarantees on whether or not any relationship with hold up to the test of time. We allow ourselves to become vulnerable when we place our hearts in the palms of another person. There are people who are not willing to take this risk because of their fear of being hurt. That's OK too. However, when we DO go for it, we do so knowing that in the end things might not work out. Still, we are willing to take the risk because we believe in love. That's OK too. Personally, I belong to the second type and will go on searching for love til my very last heartbeat. And have the scars of a divorce and a few relationships to prove it. And you know what? I am proud of my scars. I wear them like an old comfy coat I just do not want to chuck out just yet. In many ways, they define me. They are an important component of my identity.

 

It seems to me your ex for whatever reasons decided to end the relationship and move on. This is not something one should pay for. We are free to make choices in our life whether or not these choices are pleasing to others. We owe it to ourselves and to others to be honest about our feelings and decisions regarding those feelings.

 

People survive broken hearts all the time all over the world. Some many times over. We can either fall apart, become bitter and veangeful or we can chalk it up to experience and learn from them. The third alternative is the far more rewarding as far as self- growth is concerned.

 

I know the pain you are feeling all too well. I too wished ill, for example, to my ex husband right after he left us for another woman. I NEVER acted upon it. It was just a fantasy I had to help me get over the rough patches. And you know what? That bitch carma took care of it all. He lost his wife and went through a bout of cancer. Today he is a broken man and I feel SO sorry for him. I do everything I can to help him. We are the best of friends. Often I look back on all those terrible things I wished upon him those first few months and I wish I hadn't.

 

In my country they say one should not send out curses for they only come back to bite you.

 

Use your pain to make yourself an even better person than I know you already are. In life, we must learn to roll with the punches with courage and dignity.

[Woggle]

Doing well and being happy without her is the best revenge. I would not waste an ounce of energy on her if I were you. Just let her go and live your life.

[sb129]

How is it that you have this "power" over her?

 

I don't get how its even possible you can do something of that magnitude to someone without a divorce.

 

 

You may be angry now, but if you do it, be prepared to regret it one day.

[CaliGuy]

The point is my belief in being a good person has been crushed. My belief in doing the right thing, because it's the right thing has been crushed. My belief in the concept of unconditional love has been crushed. Not only that, but when she had the opportunity to do the right thing, she twisted the dagger.

 

It's not so much revenge, as it is justice. Right now she has the attitude of "it happens", that offends me to the very core. Being heartless and cruel doesn't happen randomly, it's a choice. I'm not doing it to get back at her so much as doing it so she understands the consequences of her actions. Maybe that's more along the lines of righteousness, whatever.

 

Also, what I plan to do isn't worse at all. She stole 9 years of my life with lies and deceit. She broke down my ideals and hopes. She robbed me of my drive. 50k and ruining her career (which she only put 5 years into) isn't even enough, because it's not equal imho. When all was said and done, she had the opportunity to make amends and she spit in my face. I want her to understand that she has to be accountable for her actions.

 

She's my enemy now, she's an abomination to everything she once stood for in my eyes. If I walk away and leave it be, I'm only further hurting myself, losing another ideal in the process. The ideal to fight against injustice.

 

 

Personally I don't think its's going to change a thing at least for you. Yes, you'll have your revenge but it will still be bittersweet and you'll just bring yourself down to her level.

 

Do what you must, I can't stop you. Your concious hopefully will though.

 

Something tells me you knew long ago she wasn't a good person but stuck it out. If that is truly the case then you can not place 100% blame on her for how you're feeling. You bear some responsibility as well, amigo.

[wwjd]

Done it and have no remorse about it. Would I do it again? Not worth my personal pain but the backlash is that the consequences caused my ex-H to learn from the experience, therefore he has come out of it a better person.

 

So you decide if you can live with this or not. It's your choice.

 

i'm inclined to agree with this, but i also believe that no one person can singlehandedly destroy yourself, except yourself. sure, they may do things that cause you so much grief and misery that you end up giving up, but ultimately, it truly is up to you whether you let yourself be destroyed or not.

 

 

to answer your question: no, i wouldn't. i do believe in the philosophy of an eye for an eye, but only in regards to death, to put it that way.

 

in theory, it sounds exquisite to cause pain, damage and suffering to an ex who did the same to you, but in practice, it might not make any difference at all. even if i were to hurt my ex in a devastating way, i would know that he is hurting, but not for the same reason i am--a broken heart.

 

plus, to cause him harm, regardless of what he may have done, will bring me no joy, so, no, i wouldn't.

 

sometimes it's just best to fight fire with water.

[burning 4 revenge]

You can't be more specific? You sure you won't ennd up in jail for whatever this is?

[Trialbyfire]

i'm inclined to agree with this, but i also believe that no one person can singlehandedly destroy yourself, except yourself. sure, they may do things that cause you so much grief and misery that you end up giving up, but ultimately, it truly is up to you whether you let yourself be destroyed or not.

 

 

to answer your question: no, i wouldn't. i do believe in the philosophy of an eye for an eye, but only in regards to death, to put it that way.

 

in theory, it sounds exquisite to cause pain, damage and suffering to an ex who did the same to you, but in practice, it might not make any difference at all. even if i were to hurt my ex in a devastating way, i would know that he is hurting, but not for the same reason i am--a broken heart.

 

plus, to cause him harm, regardless of what he may have done, will bring me no joy, so, no, i wouldn't.

 

sometimes it's just best to fight fire with water.

You're a nicer person than I am. While the feeling isn't joy, it has a strange equivalency to it.

 

As for not being able to hurt someone who doesn't want to be hurt, I'll have to disagree. When you know someone for a long time and are aware of the buttons to push, you can do serious damage regardless of their self-protection mechanisms. Look at your average arguments in any relationship. It's about how far you're willing to take it.

[lonelybird]

The point is my belief in being a good person has been crushed. My belief in doing the right thing, because it's the right thing has been crushed. My belief in the concept of unconditional love has been crushed. Not only that, but when she had the opportunity to do the right thing, she twisted the dagger.

.

Darkzen,

 

IMO, you idolized her too much. you give her too much power. see? she crush this, she crush that....I don't mean I am doing better, I am dealing with same issue from time to time

 

It seems it is her fault in this matter, but in fact problems exist in both. If you don't improve that part of you, your dream for perfection and unconditional love probably will suffer more. because human being is imperfect, maybe we ask too much from human being sometimes and they just CANNOT meet our expection. IMO we only can put that kind of expectation for perfection and unconditional love from God.

 

I didn't mean there isn't unconditional love between human beings, just that is rare, we have to sacrifice ourself first as well, and through many hard works: such as forgiveness, unselfishness, giving, understanding and self denying....

 

Revenge just won't help you to become a better person or any matter, when you do forgive her, you will be glad to do so

[Quinch]

Imagine yourself five years from now. You can be happy in a new life with someone you deserve while she loses everything she has. Trust in karma and everything will work out. That will be the best revenge.

[Curious139]

I have to agree with the others. Revenge seems logical and desirable but there is a psychic cost involved. You are a good person who has been betrayed and grievously hurt. Naturally you want to lash out - so do I.

 

But if we do, we compromise our personal integrity. I've never deliberately hurt someone but have imagined things for my ex. Thankfully it passes and is completely unjustified in my case.

 

If what you plan is lawful and you are simply claiming your entitlements, then that is fine. Just examine your motives and reflect on your own self-image. You have to live with yourself afterwards.

[Spinderella]

bad relationships have two participants, so you are both responsible for that. if you try to destroy her, you will suffer more for it, and the reason is because you will be throwing away a wonderful opportunity to grow and learn and become better. she has things to learn which she will either decide to learn or not, as do you. if she chooses not to, does that mean that you also choose not to? thats just silly.

[Darkzen]

It's not illegal. The money part is basically, that she cashed in some stock options and we decided to invest the money... I can be a bastard and keep the investment because of the situation (and she has no legal grounds). The career part is basically, that she confided in me sensitive company information (on numerous occasions) that she learned by reading her bosses e-mail (whose a VP). As well as damaging her work labtop because she played MMORPGs on it. Also that she stayed in the same residence as her previous supervisor (her best friend was dating him). She also abused her position to look up other employees personal information because she was curious (salaries and such). Etc, etc, etc... I have plenty of dirt on her and she's only in her current position because, she had a really good relationship with her previous supervisor. He helped her get the position. I.E. she's under qualified. Getting fired will pretty much take her back a few years.

 

The thing most people don't get, is that I don't believe in karma or God. I do believe that we should fight against injustice. I won't regret my decision either. Because in my mind she deserves what she gets for her actions. She made choices and has to live with the repercussions. I also made choices and have to deal with the repercussions of them. Such as, rebuilding myself after all of this. She constantly deceived me and influenced my decisions, not making excuses and I understand that I should have given up hope in her, a long time ago. I fully shoulder my blame though, she doesn't. If she did shoulder the blame, I'd move on and chalk it up as a life lesson. I refuse to sit back and let her get away with injustice though... if she won't take accountability, I'll force her to deal with the repercussions of her actions.

 

This won't make me happy, but it will give me a feeling of reckoning. Although, her taking accountability for her actions, wouldn't have left me feeling injustice.

[Woggle]

Trust me her seeing you happy and doing well without her will be revenge enough. No need to waste your time.

[marlena]

Darkzen.

You say you do not believ in karma or God and yet you see yourself as an avenging god or angel of some kind. Who are you to mete out punishment and make someone accept the repercussions of his/her actions? If this doesn't have a religious slant to it, I don't know what does!!! And justice is never fought with injustice. Two wrongs never make a right!

 

After reading your last post, I am sadly beginning to think you two deserve eachother!

[Kasan]

Darkzen,

 

You scare me! I am very sorry that this woman trashed your heart, but to be so angry as to cause her to lose her job and destroy her life, I don't know, seems a little over the top to me.

 

I have read some of your posts and you come off as a nice guy...do you really think that destroying her will give you a measure of peace?

 

Do you really think that you won't look back and feel regret for doing this? What could you possibly gain from destroying someone that you loved?

 

It makes me wonder about any other future relationships that you might get into down the road.

 

I hope that you can take a step back and use this relationship as a catalyst for growth for your next relationship.

[Spinderella]

blah blah decided theres no point. just think you should keep reading back what you wrote and decide whether you really want to be like that.

[KittenMoon]

You could split it down the middle: Keep the investment, don't get her fired (the reasons you list sound petty anyways).

 

I don't really believe in the whole "be the bigger person" thing- sometimes, down the line, you'll regret not acting more than you will acting.

 

The trick is being able to accept the results of your actions, potentially positive or negative.

[Darkzen]

I accept the blame for the choices I made, fully. I decided to stick things out and I understand that it is partially my fault for the way I feel. Although, because I put myself in a position to be taken advantage of... doesn't mean someone should have the right to do so. I could understand if my actions were the catalyst for the current situation. She'll even tell you that I did nothing wrong in the relationship. I will not accept the fact that she will not even attempt to make things right. And no, it's not about getting back with her, it's about vindication.

 

If you get hit by a drunken driver and end up paralyzed, is it your fault because you didn't look both ways before crossing the street? How about if the drunk driver, feels bad about it... but doesn't do anything to rectify your pain? The only difference in my situation is that there's no laws to govern people morally, except community. I'm in no way an avenging angel/God, I don't believe in that type of thing, but I have conviction in my ideals and beliefs and am willing to do what is necessary to uphold them.

 

The only control I had over the beliefs she crushed was to not experience them or place them in another's hands. I'm sorry but I will not live a life of fear and anxiety because people refuse to do the right thing, instead I'll fight back when I'm treated with injustice. You can believe that makes me crazy, bitter, vengeful, etc... if you feel that way, the truth of the matter is, you just don't have the conviction to do what is right. I would have given my life without a second thought when I was in the Army, fighting for ideals that we all share... why must I be crazy, bitter, vengeful, etc to do so when it's the same concept? If that makes me crazy, bitter, vengeful, etc... I guess I am then.

 

Right and wrong is subjective and all, but who here can say without a shadow of a doubt it's ok to take advantage of another person? Justice is the idea of balance. You do something to someone and you deal with the consequences of your actions. Nothing more, nothing less. I merely want to feel reckoning for the way I was treated, why am I wrong? Since she refuses to take responsibility,I have no recourse except to take it and hope for the best... or I do what I must to feel vindicated.

 

I am a good person, who will give all I have to those I care about. Although, I am also someone that will not accept things that I feel is wrong or unjust. I will not bury head in the sand and hope for the best.

 

P.S. Kittenmoon, the reasons are petty, but enough to get her fired. One of her co-workers got fired for playing play-station on a Saturday at work, during lunch. She's done worse.

[marlena]

"The only difference in my situation is that there's no laws to govern people morally, except community. I'm in no way an avenging angel/God, I don't believe in that type of thing, but I have conviction in my ideals and beliefs and am willing to do what is necessary to uphold them".

You not only come across as an avenging angel/god but as a fire and brimstone one as well. As for morally keeping people in check, there are some third world countries that have moral police patrolling the streets. And of course there's always Big Brother and his moral brigade as well spying on everyone's morals and values.

 

As for your beliefs and ideals, you are not upholding them, you are imposing them. It is a type of moral fascism really if you stop to think about it!

 

Yes, justice is balance! But who are you to impose this justice or your warped, in my humbe opinion, concept of it?

 

Oh, Yes, I thought there was something "milatiristic" (in the derogotary sense of the word) about your way of thinking!

 

You are obsessing! Not good for you!!