Would you destroy another person's life?

[lindya]

Well, I am impressed...195 replies to a thread started Friday. Is this a record?

 

Why we continue to respond to someone who justifies and validates his reprehensible behavior is beyond me.

 

I can only speak to my own reasons. I'm riveted by this. Darkzen's presenting his logical side as being with the "fight and even up the score" option. It's interesting for me to hear someone trying to persuade the reader that this is the logical and honourable route to take. It's raised memories of a situation that was painful for me, and that I still haven't fully resolved. I'm asking myself "if I had taken some kind of revenge on that person, would I now feel happier?" I'm arguing against what Darkzen's saying, but on some level I'm also wondering "who's really right here?"

 

I was hurt by someone who could be a very childish and vindictive individual with a predilection for tantrums and petty vendettas against people. It was something that troubled me when we were together, and I'd often try to dissuade him from that kind of thinking which seemed so unhealthy and counterproductive. Be supportive when it spilled over into bizarre behaviour that made him a figure of ridicule to others.

 

Yet he's happy now. The break up incident where he pinned all kinds of "inadequate" labels on me felt as though he was purging all his f*cked up bits and leaving me with them. I'd never taken any kind of anti-depressants before I met that person. Never needed counselling. I still feel left with his sh*t to this day - almost as though I inherited his dysfunction and left him feeling clean and ready to finally move on with his life.

 

At the time, I looked at him and thought "I never want to be like you. I never want to think like you or treat anyone the way you're treating me." Yet as I say. He's happy. Things are working out for him. I'm not happy. I can't have a relationship. Still can't move on and feel as though I'll ever trust anyone again. Perhaps if I'd taken a more vengeful and destructive approach towards that person, I'd be a happier person today?

 

They say that men are more inclined to vent their pain and anger on others, women to turn it inwards and destroy themselves. I have to confess that much as I'm arguing with Darkzen, I'm not entirely sure that they way I think has really served me all that well.

[Replicant]

You invoke the atrocities of WWII, children in mass graves in Bosnia, fighting against terrorists, etc. in justifying why you must stand up to her "evil."

 

 

Quoting such atrocities is just plain dumb in what is in comparison (a single relationship gone sour) vs countless deaths over time, all while trying to make it sound highly logical and put it into a package to sell to everyone reading.

 

Dude, it's a relationship. Not the first or last you'd ever have. Just put her in the past and move on regardless, that makes you the better person. Sitting her trying to gather an army to boost your confidence on doing the wrong thing is just crazy.

 

There's no question what she possibly did is wrong, why would you want to even invest any more time into such a person beyond that point. It's a waste, regardless of the outcome she still cheated or whatever. And it would have happened at some point in time. Be happy such a person is out of your life and move on.

 

The whole scenario being built around being noble and just, upholding the forces of good fighting the evil ex girlfriend superhero story is making you look more insane than anything and that's why people's main advice is leaning towards seek professional help asap.

[Darkzen]

Darkzen, I quoted you and highlighted so that you do not think I took you out of context. Been there with you...even though I never saw it as such. I see you make the same claim here to others when you do not like their conclusions.

 

Would I do what you are contemplating? No. I know that. Would I want to out of revenge as you want to do out of revenge? Yes. Would I follow through? I doubt it, because unlike you, I do see that morality as a standard and it is the Bible. I am not going to debate my beliefs, nor am I saying that you should be like me. This is not a thread to decide if God is an illusion. This is my reason for not doing something out of revenge. Besides, from most everything I have read, revenge is rarely successful. And when it is, it doesn't produce the satisfaction as expected.

 

Read some of your own sentences. You seem in later posts to make it sound as if you only want to hurt her out of justice. Yet we have never heard her side of the story. Nor as any court for that matter. Who has decided that she is "guilty" as charged? You. She may have admitted to being at fault, but for nine years...she is the ONLY one at fault? SHE has caused all of the pain and suffering. I think most marriage counselors would tell you that even if she cheated, there must have been a reason. This is not to shift all of the blame to you at all. In fact, she may accept most of the blame. But it seems that somewhere in there you are more at fault than simply be the nice guy.

 

If you are to learn anything here, then I would guess it is that life hurts, and we must learn from our hurts. If you cannot sit back and see that you are at least partly to blame, then I am guessing that you may be "doomed" to repeat the mistakes again. I know that if my marriage was viewed objectively by someone other than myself or my wife, many things would be noticed that are done wrong by myself and her. Yet if I personally try to analysze our marriage, I have a hard time seeing anything wrong that I have done. Seeing what she has done wrong? Yep, real easy.

 

I do see a couple of things from you original post. First, why do you give someone so much power over your life? I think that you have more control than you let on. But as we all like to do, blaming someone else takes away responsibility from us. She has not destroyed your life. You simply have not bounced back yet from her decision to leave you. Yes, you have invested so many feelings and emotions into this relationship that it feels like the 'world has ended," but you still have all of the power over your life and its decisions. Feeling as if she has wronged you makes you a victim and not responsible...hence, powerless. Revenge gives you that (false) sense of power back again, but it does nothing to solve your current problems in life.

 

Second, what makes you think she will feel what you feel if you "ruin" her career? There is the possibility that the company may simply view it as a angry ex boyfriend (you) taking revenge on a very qualified employee (her). Nothing will be accomplished except you are more hurt and have less of a good reputation. You still have your problems...and maybe some new ones. And so she does get hurt and loses her job? Then she comes after you...she feels justified. Then a new thread of what you will do next?

 

Third, she will most likely get a new boyfriend. How will you handle that? Is he your next target? Will he be told all of the "truths" about her?

 

I don't see revenge as the way to solve anything here. That is why if I was in your position, I would find a way to move on. I would dedicate myself to being someone she will wish she had kept. Focus on career, income, finish college, a new girlfriend, a house, etc. When she sees you come after her, you justify her decision. When she sees you move on and up in life, she will regret her decision. This will be sweet revenge.

 

I understand a lot of what you've said and agree with some of it. I also explained that I need to clarify stances so that it's what I'm actually to express and not what I happen to write. I'm not a great writer and my mind processes things faster than I can properly express it. I think about the concept and try writing it, but I tend to leave out important pieces of the thought. Not realizing it, because in my head the concept made perfect sense, because of all the other thoughts that fill in the holes of what was actually written. If that makes any sense.

 

This is a reason why I like to discuss things, it teaches me to express my thoughts better. Well onto the answers...

 

I guess you can see it as a power trip. If I was on the outside looking in objectively, I might agree.

 

I want a feeling of balance so that I can move on. That's the simplest way to say it. She painted me as a bad person unfairly, so in effect by validating her, I'm re-aligning things to be balanced and fair. To walk away and hope that she'll come to her senses is an insult to everything I stand for and I will not be able to let it go. This isn't due to anger or revenge though, it's due to wanting to feel like there's a balance. Without this balance, it'll eat me up inside. I know that I'm not guilty of the accusations, logically I know I shouldn't feel slighted. It doesn't change the fact that I do. I'm not sure how to convey the feeling. Maybe it's like being falsely accused of a crime and being found not guilty, but everyone still believes that you were guilty of it. Does that make sense to anyone? Can you imagine how you'd feel in that situation? Would it still be easy for you to "let it go" and walk away? Would you not want reckoning and/or vindication? Maybe the feeling is akin to the persecution that minorities receive unfairly at times. Any minorities want to chime in on how that makes them feel? I know that my friends would get extremely angry over that type of thing, to the point of outrage (the gang I was around was primarily black). I never asked the reasoning behind the outrage though, I only noticed it.

 

I guess I see a difference in being falsely accused, as opposed to deserving the accusation. Probably why I get testy at people here, who just send out character attacks, rather than want to be objective and trying to understand where I'm coming from. Maybe it's a type of resentment. I don't know the proper word to express the feeling. Maybe outrage fits best.

 

Outrage

6. to offend against (right, decency, feelings, etc.) grossly or shamelessly: Such conduct outrages our normal sense of decency.

 

That's the closest meaning to fit the feeling I guess.

 

Her company called and thanked me today for bringing her wrong doings to their attention. They just started the investigation into it, but I'd assume the information I gave them is somewhat founded due to the call. Although, It could be possible that they're just being polite or thorough. Who knows for sure.

 

I never claimed to be perfect in the relationship, but I never did anything bad (intended or not) to her. I probably could have done some things better. I know that I'm responsible for my emotional state, I chose to believe she'd change and kept taking her back. On the same token though, it doesn't justify her actions... just because an opportunity exists doesn't give someone the right to hurt others unfairly IMHO. This is something I believe very strongly about. Yes I said unfairly and I do understand mistakes will happen. I'm actually a forgiving person, if they show remorse for their actions. This all changes once remorse isn't shown though. If they don't show remorse for their actions, then I see them as evil and they become my enemy. It's an outrage to my very core. It's against everything I believe to be good, fair and decent... this is when I feel hurting others is acceptable, because I feel justified in fighting against evil and against enemies. Maybe that's the soldier in me. At the same time, my ideals won't allow me to break the law... so now I'm left with a willingness to fight back, but within the scope of the laws. If we lived in an anarchy where murder was acceptable, I wouldn't hesitate kill, those I viewed as an enemy or as evil. Remember though, this only applies to those without remorse. Those who have the opportunity, to try and make things right, but refuse for whatever reason.

 

If she got a new BF, I wouldn't hurt him. He's done nothing wrong to me. I would try and tell him the stories so that he can protect himself from her. I wouldn't sit by idly and allow him to get hurt. Remember, I will only take action within the scope that the law provides me. If I'm powerless to fight back, it's something that I will have to deal with. I will not stand by if I have the power to change things though.

 

I guess that I don't see fighting against injustice as a waste of my energy. Nor do I see it as a bad thing, hence the not lowering myself to their level.

 

I see many doing the same thing in this thread, it just all depends on how you look at the shades of gray. People have shown outrage (fierce disapproval) at my views and it caused them to take action (posting). The interesting thing is that by attacking my character they're trying to cause me emotional harm. Maybe I'm not so different after all. I'm probably a little more extreme.

 

Interesting, very interesting.

[Darkzen]

I can only speak to my own reasons. I'm riveted by this. Darkzen's presenting his logical side as being with the "fight and even up the score" option. It's interesting for me to hear someone trying to persuade the reader that this is the logical and honourable route to take. It's raised memories of a situation that was painful for me, and that I still haven't fully resolved. I'm asking myself "if I had taken some kind of revenge on that person, would I now feel happier?" I'm arguing against what Darkzen's saying, but on some level I'm also wondering "who's really right here?"

 

I was hurt by someone who could be a very childish and vindictive individual with a predilection for tantrums and petty vendettas against people. It was something that troubled me when we were together, and I'd often try to dissuade him from that kind of thinking which seemed so unhealthy and counterproductive. Be supportive when it spilled over into bizarre behaviour that made him a figure of ridicule to others.

 

Yet he's happy now. The break up incident where he pinned all kinds of "inadequate" labels on me felt as though he was purging all his f*cked up bits and leaving me with them. I'd never taken any kind of anti-depressants before I met that person. Never needed counselling. I still feel left with his sh*t to this day - almost as though I inherited his dysfunction and left him feeling clean and ready to finally move on with his life.

 

At the time, I looked at him and thought "I never want to be like you. I never want to think like you or treat anyone the way you're treating me." Yet as I say. He's happy. Things are working out for him. I'm not happy. I can't have a relationship. Still can't move on and feel as though I'll ever trust anyone again. Perhaps if I'd taken a more vengeful and destructive approach towards that person, I'd be a happier person today?

 

They say that men are more inclined to vent their pain and anger on others, women to turn it inwards and destroy themselves. I have to confess that much as I'm arguing with Darkzen, I'm not entirely sure that they way I think has really served me all that well.

 

Yes! My "flawed logic" strikes again.

 

Seriously though, kudos for being objective. How can we grow if not for exposure to new concepts and perspectives that differ from our own? This is why discussion isn't pointless, no matter how opposed you are to the views. Even if sifting through poop, you may find a piece of corn.

[VIP]

I'm not a great writer and my mind processes things faster than I can properly express it. I think about the concept and try writing it, but I tend to leave out important pieces of the thought. Not realizing it, because in my head the concept made perfect sense, because of all the other thoughts that fill in the holes of what was actually written. If that makes any sense.

 

You are quoting yourself I guess, I think I've read that before.

 

my ideals won't allow me to break the law... If we lived in an anarchy where murder was acceptable, I wouldn't hesitate kill, those I viewed as an enemy or as evil. Remember though, this only applies to those without remorse.

 

Which are those ideals you are talking about? You obviously don't believe that the law makes sense if you are so willing to break it under a different set of circumstances. And knowing that you consider your girlfriend evil and without remorse, it's not difficult to imagine what would happen to her if you lived in an anarchy.

 

People have shown outrage (fierce disapproval) at my views and it caused them to take action (posting). The interesting thing is that by attacking my character they're trying to cause me emotional harm.

 

Posters beware

[Kasan]

Posters beware

 

Duly noted!!!

[Darkzen]

Posters beware

 

Afraid to quote the entire thing? Is it easier to redirect focus onto me, because you may not like the truth in that statement? We're not so different, are we, and that scares you... sure you can argue about the intensity of the views, but not the train of thought.

 

P.S. this is the point most people start to hide.

[lindya]

Yes! My "flawed logic" strikes again.

 

Seriously though, kudos for being objective. How can we grow if not for exposure to new concepts and perspectives that differ from our own? This is why discussion isn't pointless, no matter how opposed you are to the views. Even if sifting through poop, you may find a piece of corn.

 

I'm not sure how objective I'm being!

 

What I would say, Darkzen, is that with reference to my previous post it's terribly tempting to see myself as a well balanced, healthy individual who became the innocent victim of a f*cked up individual. In reality, I think the end of that relationship triggered a certain realisation that perhaps I was never quite as healthy and together as I'd seen myself as. It's difficult when someone with issues is talking to you about what they perceive your issues to be. How do you separate truth from fiction?

 

People say the truth about oneself always hurts. Following on from that premise, you could say that if the things a person you're breaking up with really wound you and leave scars, it's because those things were true. I think the reality is that what a person does, when they emotionally wound you, involves tapping into negative beliefs you have about yourself - but generally try (as a defence) to conceal from yourself. The kind of "forced exposure" that a partner can inflict on you during a break up ("here's how I see you...here's how other people see you") can result in you suddenly being confronted with all those carefully hidden negative feelings about yourself. You can react with anger towards the other person, or anger towards yourself.

 

Or you can focus on why the person has succeeded in hurting you so much. What destructive beliefs that they managed to tap into, and how you can start tackling those destructive beliefs - whether those are beliefs you have about yourself, or beliefs that you think the majority of other people have about you.

 

You spoke about having courage - the courage to punish someone for hurting you and for having no remorse about it. What I think takes far more courage is to start stripping away the ego defences that prevent you examining the darkest thoughts you have about yourself. I think it's best done with the aid of a skilled counsellor who will encourage constructive examination of those beliefs.

 

I have a feeling that you're going to say you're already aware of, and have addressed, your own issues. If so, there's nothing more I can say.

[Ladyjane14]

P.S. this is the point most people start to hide.

 

I find it hard to believe people are hiding.

Posters at LS usually aren't all that shy. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say they're just bored.

[Darkzen]

lindya: Objective enough to at least consider, that's all I meant. It's far better than those who post, only to spew disagreement.

 

I'm aware of my issues true, but they're far from completely healed and/or fixed. It takes time to rebuild traits that were lost due to circumstance. I'm in the process right now though. I do know who I want to be, but I'm not there yet.

 

Ladyjane14: It's convenient that people get <insert excuse here>, right about the time I toss out some irrefutable logic... especially when it's totally fitting of the most vocal people. I guess the silence and ignoring speaks enough for me.

[Ladyjane14]

It's convenient that people get <insert excuse here>, right about the time I toss out some irrefutable logic...

 

Send us up a flare when you post some then.

 

Look man, all jokes aside, I don't think you realize that if somebody bothers to spend the 10 or 20 minutes it takes to craft a post it's usually not done out of ill will. Most often, it's well-meaning enough. Even when people are rattling a poster's cage, it usually just to get his/her attention refocused, kind of like budging a record needle out of a groove when it's stuck.

 

You've gone over the same old ground.. again.. and again.. and again. Shrunk down to it's basics, it's the same message... you're soooo very smart and everybody else is soooo very stupid. It's boring.

 

I, for one, am not here to "debate" with people, and while I often do enter into "discussions", those I would describe as an exchange of information. Otherwise, I just post my opinion based on what's written and move on.

 

My opinion as far as you're concerned was stated a while back, but it's essentially unchanged. I think you need to get some help, bud. And I say that kindly and without sarcasm. Because it's the last word I'll spare you other than to wish you luck on life's journey.

[bloodaye]

Bro man,that thought has crossed my mind many a time,but i sat and thought about it,i am not gonna jeopardize my dignity and i am certainly not gonna sink to that lvl.All it does is confirm her decision and she can say to everyone " see why i did why i did,this is why" and everyone will without a doubt side with her and u will look even worse,what she did was withou a doubt selfish and down right ****ed up,she maybe needs to seek help she obviously has serious issues.I know it is devastating,but let her do it to someone else and sooner or later karma will get her,i believe that.Take care muh man,im hurtin myself right now,in fact im dying inside,but what the **** u gonna do?

[Darkzen]

Send us up a flare when you post some then.

 

Look man, all jokes aside, I don't think you realize that if somebody bothers to spend the 10 or 20 minutes it takes to craft a post it's usually not done out of ill will. Most often, it's well-meaning enough. Even when people are rattling a poster's cage, it usually just to get his/her attention refocused, kind of like budging a record needle out of a groove when it's stuck.

 

You've gone over the same old ground.. again.. and again.. and again. Shrunk down to it's basics, it's the same message... you're soooo very smart and everybody else is soooo very stupid. It's boring.

 

I, for one, am not here to "debate" with people, and while I often do enter into "discussions", those I would describe as an exchange of information. Otherwise, I just post my opinion based on what's written and move on.

 

My opinion as far as you're concerned was stated a while back, but it's essentially unchanged. I think you need to get some help, bud. And I say that kindly and without sarcasm. Because it's the last word I'll spare you other than to wish you luck on life's journey.

 

Game, set, match... thank you for proving my point. "I can't argue with what you said, so I'm going to take my ball and go play elsewhere". That about sum it up Ladyjane14? Oh never mind, I forgot you left...

[Darkzen]

Bro man,that thought has crossed my mind many a time,but i sat and thought about it,i am not gonna jeopardize my dignity and i am certainly not gonna sink to that lvl.All it does is confirm her decision and she can say to everyone " see why i did why i did,this is why" and everyone will without a doubt side with her and u will look even worse,what she did was withou a doubt selfish and down right ****ed up,she maybe needs to seek help she obviously has serious issues.I know it is devastating,but let her do it to someone else and sooner or later karma will get her,i believe that.Take care muh man,im hurtin myself right now,in fact im dying inside,but what the **** u gonna do?

 

Keep your head up brother. You need to go "stab" a new girl, it'll help you move on (at least that's what my older brother tells me anyways).

[JamesM]

Game, set, match... thank you for proving my point. "I can't argue with what you said, so I'm going to take my ball and go play elsewhere". That about sum it up Ladyjane14? Oh never mind, I forgot you left...

 

Actually, no, having known her here for awhile....she doesn't argue. She states her points and moves on. And I have found out for myself...even though it seems harsh at the time...it was helpful and needed. Unlike me.. for some reason I like to argue and never quit. But usually when I quit, it is not because I run out of ammunition, it is because the discussion is no longer productive, and instead it has become a debate to see who can "win." I am guessing that she feels that way...except much quicker than I would.

 

One thing I will disagree with you (no, it is not the only one )...you do know how to write. We all look back and see how someone else might take it, but you are able to get your feelings out quite well. And you are free in doing so.

 

Having been here for almost two years, I understand how you feel when you are "attacked," but people usually take the time to post because they feel they do have advice for you. You can take it or leave it, but we usually mean well. We sometimes seem harsh, but it is usually because...based on the info you have given...we feel it is needed to "wake you up." Since you came asking for advice, you will get it.

 

I have been in a situation that makes me feel I can relate to you somewhat. Not near as harsh as yours, but it hurt. And truthfully, the only way I was able to get over the pain was to move on. That is why I say it to you.

[Darkzen]

Actually, no, having known her here for awhile....she doesn't argue. She states her points and moves on. And I have found out for myself...even though it seems harsh at the time...it was helpful and needed. Unlike me.. for some reason I like to argue and never quit. But usually when I quit, it is not because I run out of ammunition, it is because the discussion is no longer productive, and instead it has become a debate to see who can "win." I am guessing that she feels that way...except much quicker than I would.

 

I don't buy into that personally. I've been in many discussions where people with that same attitude will try and argue their opinion. Once you hit them with irrefutable reasoning, those same people resort to moving on and ignoring the point you make. Discussion isn't about who can "win" unless you go into with that mindset. Discussion is about sharing thoughts and ideas. Obviously I've rehashed a few points, because they've been ignored. Besides, if someone just posts an opinion and moves on, they're ignorant. They can justify it however they choose, but we all know the truth deep down. I'm the type who will talk as long as people are listening. Not for the people listening, but because talking about things might actually raise some questions about things in me.

 

Too bad no one has been able to do so thus far. I assume it's because no one is brave enough to turn the microscope onto themselves. Instead of trying they get mad and lash out or make lame excuses. This is why Socrates is my hero. All he did was turn the question onto others to see if they really knew WTF they were talking about... otherwise why should he take their advice.

 

One thing I will disagree with you (no, it is not the only one )...you do know how to write. We all look back and see how someone else might take it, but you are able to get your feelings out quite well. And you are free in doing so.

 

Thank you, but I understand my flaws. I'm a proficient writer, but I'm not very skilled at it. I also do have the tendencies that I've mentioned. I see writing as the ability to convey thoughts, I'm not always proficient at that concept.

 

Having been here for almost two years, I understand how you feel when you are "attacked," but people usually take the time to post because they feel they do have advice for you. You can take it or leave it, but we usually mean well. We sometimes seem harsh, but it is usually because...based on the info you have given...we feel it is needed to "wake you up." Since you came asking for advice, you will get it.

 

I'm appreciate the effort of people posting, if they mean well. On the same token though, I don't take anything for face value. If someone feels that they're right, they can make an argument with reason and logic that'll show me why to accept it. It's not their job or their responsibility, but if they really cared, they'd put forth the effort. So far, most of the posters have done nothing but toss out opinions. Once I hit them with a question that might have evidence to prove them wrong, they ignore it and bounce. Why should I listen to their opinions if they themselves, show me reason that they might have doubts themselves?

 

I have been in a situation that makes me feel I can relate to you somewhat. Not near as harsh as yours, but it hurt. And truthfully, the only way I was able to get over the pain was to move on. That is why I say it to you.

 

I agree with you. I would not have been able to move on, with the doubts she created in my mind. I needed to feel a sense of balance to let it go. Me walking away would have left me feeling owed something, feeling like a coward for not fighting back and feeling a sense of injustice. Imagine your best friend, for whatever reason, felt you were a horrible person (unjustly). You prove to them that the reasons they believed this was unfounded or incorrect. Even after this, they still felt you were a horrible person. Would you not feel wronged and want justice? Not revenge, but want to feel validated. Could you honestly move on without it eating you up inside? Would it not make you question yourself? That this person you've been so close and open with, would wrongly accuse you of things that weren't true.

 

By doing what I did, I validated her reasons. Thus I feel the situation is balanced. I gave her the opportunity to create this balance, she refused to do so. Thus, in my mind, making her not the person I believed that I loved and an evil person only out for themselves. I will not stand idly and let someone hurt me without justification. Nor should anyone else. I'm not sure why people feel that emotional pain isn't just as bad as physical pain. I'm merely defending myself. If someone was to assault me, I'd have the legal and moral right to stop them from doing so. People will argue that I used "excessive force", but I don't believe that. I did what I had to do to stop the emotional pain... giving balance and hence, serving justice.

 

Had this been about revenge, I'd have been able to walk away, yet chosen to strike back for previous transgressions. I'm not striking back for the past actions (maybe the money to a certain degree). I'm striking back because of her final transgression, that would linger with me forever if I didn't. If someone can honestly tell me that I'm "wrong", I'd listen. But telling me would have to be more than posting an opinion, that's based on, logic filled with holes. Honesty is being able to look at yourself objectively... no one has proven to me that they're honest... if they were they'd have addressed my questions and gave reasoning on why they feel I'm unjustified.

 

This is the very point of discussion and there's only been a couple of people, that have showed some degree of honesty so far. Most refuse to look at themselves objectively, because they know that they're full of it...

[Trimmer]

And so, Dark, if you don't get an answer, do you assume that your points have prevailed?

[Darkzen]

And so, Dark, if you don't get an answer, do you assume that your points have prevailed?

 

Obviously, based on my ideals and beliefs. A refusal to fight back in my eyes is a sign of not having justification or just plain cowardice. If someone had such a strong belief in their views, they'd be wiling to debate them. We're talking perspective though.

 

By ignoring a problem it doesn't go away. It merely festers in them. We can delude ourselves with logic and not have to deal with our problems, but it'll just cause us problems later on down the road in our sub-conscious. Such as my ex, she had her issues from her relationship with her father, by ignoring them and never feeling vindication or balance, they caused her to hurt me over and over again.

 

Everyone is free to make that decision though. I can't stop them from doing so, although I do try to enlighten others. Not saying that my views are right, I merely ask the questions that will help people see the truth if they're brave enough to look. They may come to a different conclusion altogether. Either way it's better than burying my head in the sand.

[Trimmer]

And so what can I assume from your lack of response to my direct question as to whether you and your brother would consider donating all of your ex's money to a worthy charity in her name, instead of keeping it?

[amaysngrace]

I didn't read this whole thread, just first and last pages only. But from what you say "you didn't use to be like this. She changed you. Made you evil. and blah blah".

 

If you get revenge on her and screw her over really bad are you really going to feel good about that? Or are you going to blame her for your actions then too? "she made me do it"?

 

I think it's time you see that no relationship is one person's fault. If she changed you and you allowed her to then you became a different guy than she fell in love with. That's your fault...not hers.

 

Can you still execute this plan in a month from now? If so, I'd just put it on the back burner till then.

 

Seems to me you're putting more and more of your energy into her than you are into yourself. And that's never good.

[mourningMM]

So focus your energy somewhere else.

 

Honestly she doesn't deserve your attention; you can't teach someone who has no empathy or sense of remorse a lesson.

 

Did Charlie Manson (if you are old enough to know him) the Unibomber, or Bundy care?

 

Look, would your mom and dad be proud of you if you behaved the way you are considering? Would it change the past?

 

Or better yet, imagine yourself older---really older, and having to explain this behavior to your own children.

 

You have some luck...you didn't marry her, have children with her, or have to share the rest of your life with her. So don't give her more than she has taken by surrendering a piece of your soul.

 

Honestly, don't use her behavior as an excuse for bad behavior of your own; it is beneath you.

 

And so is she...so far beneath you teaching her a lesson would be like teaching a flea to drive the moon-shuttle!

[Darkzen]

And so what can I assume from your lack of response to my direct question as to whether you and your brother would consider donating all of your ex's money to a worthy charity in her name, instead of keeping it?

 

I thought I did, guess I went over it in my head, but probably got side-tracked or didn't address it directly. My stance is that it's severance for her entering an agreement with no intention to uphold it. Had she not lied, many of the expenses I had, wouldn't have been. For example, say that I hired a catering hall, this company buys all the food to prepare, then I cancel... they'd be entitled to the money they spent in preparations of the event you hired them for. It's not their fault you canceled or backed out. Either way, the money isn't hers. It's merely a good gesture by my brother, after her actions she doesn't deserve his kindness IMHO. I'll probably tell him to keep TBPH. Actually now that I think about it, I already explained my thoughts on the subject, I just didn't direct it to your question. So try again.

 

I didn't read this whole thread, just first and last pages only. But from what you say "you didn't use to be like this. She changed you. Made you evil. and blah blah".

 

If you get revenge on her and screw her over really bad are you really going to feel good about that? Or are you going to blame her for your actions then too? "she made me do it"?

 

I think it's time you see that no relationship is one person's fault. If she changed you and you allowed her to then you became a different guy than she fell in love with. That's your fault...not hers.

 

Can you still execute this plan in a month from now? If so, I'd just put it on the back burner till then.

 

Seems to me you're putting more and more of your energy into her than you are into yourself. And that's never good.

 

If you read my last response, I explained most of this already.

 

I disagree. A failed relationship can completely be one person's fault. I communicated, she didn't. Her actions caused me to suffer mild depression (changing the person I was), on and off. I never treated her unfairly during the relationship, even with plenty of justification. I was always supportive. My only fault in the relationship, was getting into it in the first place and staying as long as I did. That has nothing to do with why it failed though.

 

As for the energy that I use... I started to do ju-jitsu and lifting again. I started to feel better about myself. I started taking better care of myself. I started to talk to other girls already. I can go on for a while. My focus has already shifted.

[Darkzen]

So focus your energy somewhere else.

 

Honestly she doesn't deserve your attention; you can't teach someone who has no empathy or sense of remorse a lesson.

 

Did Charlie Manson (if you are old enough to know him) the Unibomber, or Bundy care?

 

Look, would your mom and dad be proud of you if you behaved the way you are considering? Would it change the past?

 

Or better yet, imagine yourself older---really older, and having to explain this behavior to your own children.

 

You have some luck...you didn't marry her, have children with her, or have to share the rest of your life with her. So don't give her more than she has taken by surrendering a piece of your soul.

 

Honestly, don't use her behavior as an excuse for bad behavior of your own; it is beneath you.

 

And so is she...so far beneath you teaching her a lesson would be like teaching a flea to drive the moon-shuttle!

 

Those you mentioned may not of felt remorse or cared... but that didn't stop them from being punished.

 

My father has been deceased for over 20 years and my mother is completely selfish.

 

I'd tell my children proudly. They need to learn that it's ok, to stand up for themselves.

 

Agreed.

 

What if everyone had that attitude? Who would carry out justice? Would you not defend your child from a bully or tell them to not fight back? Because if they did just accept it, they'd have some serious issues later on in life. Sometimes we must fight back for our own sanity.

[amaysngrace]

 

 

 

A failed relationship can completely be one person's fault.

 

 

No it cannot. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to make it fail. It's still a fresh wound so you can't see it presently but in time you'll see I'm right.

 

It's scary to me that you're talking to other girls and somewhere in the back of your head you hate your exGF so badly you want vengeance on her. Don't you think that stuff spills over? Don't you think that any girl who would find you attractive while you're plotting revenge on another isn't quite right either?

[Darkzen]

No it cannot. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to make it fail. It's still a fresh wound so you can't see it presently but in time you'll see I'm right.

 

It's scary to me that you're talking to other girls and somewhere in the back of your head you hate your exGF so badly you want vengeance on her. Don't you think that stuff spills over? Don't you think that any girl who would find you attractive while you're plotting revenge on another isn't quite right either?

 

No, it really can be one sided as to why it fails. It does however take two to make it work. If I did everything I'm supposed to do and she doesn't, how am I responsible in anyway for it failing? Say two people are carrying a canoe, one person is doing his part and the other isn't... does the canoe still get carried? I'm sure one person can drag it for a while, but eventually because he's doing it alone, the canoe will fall. Is the guy doing his part, responsible for the canoe falling?

 

The "revenge" has been done... I don't hate her anymore, now it's just indifference. I'm not dating yet, merely flirting and talking to other girls. I've also said that I want to be with someone that has similar ideals... if she leaves because of my actions, she wasn't right for me in the first place. This will eliminate plenty of headaches for me TBH. If they're still interested after hearing it, jackpot!