midlife pipe dreams?

[shakygrounds]

I am in my forties, married for over 20 years, with four kids.

 

I now have a great job, with many responsibilities, travel and intelligent colleagues -- mostly men. This is where my troubles begin.

 

I was brought into my current assignment by a married man, "George" who I find as attractive, bright, witty. For a few months, we were travelling together frequently, and he let me know early on during our trips that he found me atractive -- he initiated lots of long late dinners, evening strolls, working late in each other's rooms, going swimming in hotel pools, etc. There was lots of innuendo between us, and the sparks were flying like the fourth of July. Over the three months of frequent trips together, we developed an emotional affair, but no sex.

 

During this time, I realized that my own marriage was a mess -- not abuse, affairs, etc. But we were never on the same page about anything. We fought non-stop, shared virtually nothing in common, and couldn't actually enjoy each other. Sex was just something to do on rare occassion, cause that's what couples do.

 

My experience with George has made me see just how empty my marriage has been all along. I met hubby at a young age, after moving away from a tragically disfunctional family. My hubby was "safe" in terms of being a provider and from a stable family.

 

But now I want so much more. I want true friendship and enjoyment with my partner. But that just isn't going to happen with hubby. I find him emotionally flat with no attractive qualities. We are just tooo different.

 

I started saying to hubby that maybe it's time to pack it in -- we never really enjoy each other anyway, we only fight, etc. First he would become his ugly fighting self. Then one night he broke down and sobbed, said that he'd do anything.

 

So we went to marriage counsellor, who taught us to get along -spent lots of the time with hubby, teaching him how to behave more kindly and attentively. Hubby has been much better at controlling his temper and less controlling. But his bad temeper still occassionally comes out, and I still find him boring.

 

Nothing is happening with "George" because our work has left us separated for a couple of months. When we get back on assignment together (in a month or so) then I'd like to be clear in my mind on how to deal with the sparks between us:

 

No surprise, George's marriage is in shambles too, and he also has children.

 

If I am staying with hubby, then I am staying in an OK but flat and unenjoyable marriage. I am certain kids would prefer this (haven't talked to them about it); hubby says he'd definitely prefer to stay together.

 

Also if I stay, my emotional affairs with George will have to stop, as will our travels (we could request a reassignment). I would see it as sad, but the right thing to do.

 

Is all of this normal for a mid-life marriage? I mean, to question if it's worth staying in an unfulfilling marraige for the sake of the kids and the sake of keeping the peace? I earn great money, as does hubby, so money is not an issue.

 

If I leave, would I just be pursuing a pipe dream? If I stay, am I just settling for the sake of safety?

[moimeme]

You are in a tough spot. One question: were you ever in love with your husband or did you ever love him a great deal? If so, can you recall what it was about him that made you feel that way? Is that all gone or not? Just questions for you to ponder.

 

Kids know when a marriage is going badly, and they don't have to be very old to know. Nobody likes it when their parents break up, but they sure don't like it when their parents stay married and miserable.

 

What you have done is what every dating person should do - discover what you want by deciding what you don't want. However, this is not to say that George would be the solution. You haven't lived with him and he hasn't had a chance to become 'boring' to you. Apparently, the success rate for marriages resulting from an affair is very low.

 

If you truly and honestly think your marriage cannot ever be brought back to life, then you might want to get separated - not to join George, but to sort yourself out. You could see George and date some other men. You may find that there are very few gems out there and that George isn't one either.

 

Bottom line, try some of the strategies people use to 'fall back in love' with each other. Marriage Builders has an interesting program. However, if hubby can't or won't do the work, or if his anger and other problems are not medical and it is truly a case of having gotten married for the wrong reasons and never finding good reasons to stay together, then you might try separation.

 

Is it common in midlife? Yes, because once the kids don't take up 24/7 of your time and you have time to think and look around you (and as hormonal changes of perimenopause start happening), your priorities can definitely change. A LOT of divorces take place at this stage of life for women.

[quankanne]

I think every marriage hits that plateau, some get there faster than others. If your marriage has lost it's spark, but is otherwise acceptable, maybe it's time to look into something called Marriage Encounter. It's a two-day, two-night weekend designed to help couples reconnect with each other. Basically you receive a lot of tools to help communicate better in your marriage after you look back to why you chose your mate in the first place.

 

My husband and I went on our ME weekend four years ago, and he will tell anyone who asks that it was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. Mind you, this is the same stubborn man who initially refused to have anything to do with it because he thought our married life was fine, while I was having second thoughts because of some of his personal problems. The upshot is, he got a better understanding of my views about marriage from my Catholic upbringing (he's Protestant) and I learned to shift my focus on what I felt was wrong with us and look at what was right with us. It's not always a bed of roses, but at least I feel we are on the same page a good percent of the time.

 

Marriage Encounter is sponsored through the Catholic church, but you don't have to be Catholic to go on the weekend. There is no proselytizing, though Mass is celebrated at the end and the priest will hear confessions if you ask. If you feel this is something you might benefit from, just look up "Marriage Encounter" on a search engine, and click on the link for World Wide Marriage Encounter. It'll have a list of which dioceses offer the retreat, dates and contact numbers.

[shakygrounds]

Thanks for your replies. Things are becoming clearer now, but no more easier to answer.

 

Sadly, the thought of going on a week-end marriage retreat with hubby is repulsive to me. Just focussed on us and our relationship -- yuk! Our marriage survives inlarge part by us being busy in our own worlds.

 

I guess my response to your suggestion is quite telling in terms of whether or not I think that there is any hope or desire to build a romantic relationship with hubby.

 

On the other hand, the whole idea of separation and dating at this stage is repulsive too -- and really messy considering the kids.

 

Someone told me that 70% of marriages are hopelessly unfulfilling -- but most people sick with them anyway.

 

Later in life, would I deeply regret staying in this sad majority?! If I left him, would I regret leaving someone who never really excited me but wasn't all that bad? (I guess if he were blatantly abusive things would be easier!)

 

Tony, you are a straight shooter -- what do you think?

 

Anyone out here who stuck with spouse through mid-life marital disappointment and later regretted it? Or perhaps were glad they stuck it out?

 

Gad, I wish I could predict the future!!

[moimeme]

Hokey Religions told her story about staying with her spouse through a lot of difficulty. Not exactly sure where it is - maybe a kind moderator would link to it for you. It's quite the story.

[Paul]

Is this what you're looking for?

[cindy0039]

That was a very touching post. I agree that in a lot of cases it just takes riding out the rough spots (even when they seem terrible at the time) and getting counseling, and years from now you may look back and be so proud that you made it through together. But you have to search your soul and answer the question of whether you still love that person or not, whether your life would be better off without him/her than with them. If you feel you absolutely know the answers to those two questions, then go from there. Good luck!

[moimeme]

Thanks, Paul. You're a sweetie!

[Carly]

I was also touched by Hokey's post. Thank you. I Cindy had a comment that made me think: Pointing out that it can be worth sticking it through the bads times:

 

The thing is, I am not experiencing any particularly "bad times" per say. It's more that times are particulalry bad for me now because I have the clarity to see that we never really had closeness, and yet I continued in the unhappiness for so long. Why? Just out of needs to be met at the time, that have little to do with friendship and emotional intimacy.

 

I only hope for better for my kids. Yet how can they do better if they haven't seen better from their most significant role models (parents)?

 

I guess I'm still thinking...

[cindy0039]

I've been in both situations, actually (I'm in my second marriage). With my first marriage I came to the realization that I just didn't love him and that our marriage was never getting any better and that my son deserved more, so I left. With my second marriage it's been a totally different situation because the core of love has always been there, even though we've been through some rough times together. I know this marriage will last. Unfortunately, it's something only you can answer. Best of luck to you.

[Wondering]

When you left your first, did you feel really awful, I mean leaving him because you didn't feel much love for him? Did he love you? Or was the emptiness mutual? I am in the first group: It is clear to both of us that we are seldom on the same page, yet he cries when I talk about how perhaps we should go our own ways (unless of course we say it in anger, i.e., in the heat of a fight.) I know that he loves me, yet I am not really sure why he loves me -- he just doesn't seem to get anything that I am really about. Maybe he's just dependent on me.

 

A good friend of mine says that feeling bad for him is no reason to stay. I guess what is scaring me is the thought that I would feel bad and never get over the guilt. That's why I am asking how you felt about leaving your first, having a kid and all.

 

I am also questioning my own judgement about what a good marriage really is anyway (my own parents were in a severely dysfunctional and emotionally damaging marriage). Maybe what I have is the best to expect, and when I see what I think is a great marriage, maybe it isn't really great behind closed doors.

 

Could I ask you, Cindy, what is so much better about your second marriage? I am thinking that a better marriage for me would be with someone who looks at me and makes me smile. Someone who sometimes disagrees with me but doen't hold it against me. Someone who I would love to spend time with -- not because of what we are DOING (on a vacation, etc.) but because I just enjoy THAT PERSON all on his own, regardless of what we are doing.

 

I am also touched by something Tony said in another thread -- something about how the misery of living alone could never even come close to the misery of living with someone he is not happy with.

 

I think the thread was about why people stay together in the absense of mutal happiness together. I am realizing that the reasons for staying together are very complex.

 

Would love to hear more from you or anyone else willing to tell me what a good marriage is to them.

[Tony T]

1. "Is all of this normal for a mid-life marriage?"

 

A lot of people are contented in their marriages in mid-life. You have more demands and expectations than most (which are the cause of divorce). At the same time I think it's reasonable to want to have a partner who is more exciting and a marriage that is somewhat better than flat. A lot of people honor their committment no matter how things get and do try to spice things up the best they can. You simply don't want to settle for what you have and that's understandable and you have that right.

 

2. "I mean, to question if it's worth staying in an unfulfilling marraige for the sake of the kids and the sake of keeping the peace?"

 

You should have asked yourself this question a very long time again. First, don't get a divorce because of George...he is married. I promise you more heartache than you ever dreamed of if you screw yourself up in that direction. While George may have shown you a good time and how exciting things could be, he was having a temporary fling that you read a lot more into than you should have. Don't think that the rest of your life can be a wil travel junket with George.

 

I don't think you should stay in a marriage that simply doesn't do it for you. Before you look for another partner though, get a divorce and be single for a healing period. Then begin your question for Mr. Right and use your good wits to make a better decision than you made previously.

 

It is not wise for you to have your eyes set on a married man.

 

If your children live with you, or even half of them do, and they will be with you for more than a few years you should understand that while you may find yourself some happy flings, the greater number of men may not want to explore matrimony with you. (At least not until your children are grown and away)

[Carly]

Thanks Tony. I needed that. No one has told me before that I expect more than most in my marriage, although a marriage therapist did once tell me that 70% of marriages are just ho-hum, like mine. Guess I could have connected the dots...

 

So I am having this sinking feeling in my gut that this is the crux of my problem -- I suspect that a few others have it better, and it's not good enough for ME to suffer with average. Is this narcissistic?Self-defeatist?

 

Or, am I now just psychobabbling in order to cop out of fleeing a marriage that I should have left years ago.

 

George is out of the picture. Am (finally) seeing my way clearly out of that one -- I think that he was emotionallly irresponsible with me, but he DID serve to force me to think about my own mariage.

 

Thanks for your insight. I have a lot to process.

[Tony T]

Remember, the root of all unhappiness in any situation is having unreasonable expectations and making unreasonable demands. A truly happy person will be happy in almost any situation. An unhappy person will be unhappy in almost every situation.

 

Before you get into another relationship, do what you can do to become happy with yourself and your life irrespective of anyone else. It's crazy to depend on another person for your happiness. I know about all that romantic crap but depending on a partner, mate or whatever to make you happy is wrong. They are certainly a plus and can add bliss to existing happiness but they can't build it in you from scratch.

 

Also remember that it's real easy for someone vulnerable like you to meet someone and feel feelings you haven't felt in a long time. But those can sink right back down after a time...if you yourself aren't basically happy with YOU.

 

Don't expect any man anywhere at anytime to maintain a high level of joy in YOUR life. It just won't happen. And whatever happiness another person brings is done so by a decision YOU make in yourself.

 

I am extremely happy sitting in front of my computer typing messages to anonymous people an hour a day because I am very happy with myself. I am also happy taking walks and drives alone because I am exceptionally at peace with my thoughts and I don't need outsiders to validate me.

[cindy0039]

Carly - First of all, I don't agree that the root of all unhappiness is unreasonable expectations. But I totally agree that you can't depend on another person for your happiness and that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in life or with another person.

 

I'll try to answer your questions. In my first marriage I seemed to be the one unhappy with the marriage and he was the type who, while he may not have been totally happy, would have lived that way, if you know what I mean. To me it was more of a hollow marriage that just didn't improve over time and only got worse. He worked a lot and didn't show much affection to me or my son and got angry when we didn't have sex when HE wanted it, things like that. I didn't enjoy sex with him because...well, he wasn't very good at it. He was a lousy communicator also. We had a separation at one point and yes I felt very guilty because he begged me to take him back and said that I was a bad mother for giving my son a broken home, the whole nine yards. So I took him back and we tried counseling and I gave it my all for another 2 years. Finally I got to the point where I didn't love him at all and HAD to get out. I was miserable and I knew my son would suffer in that marriage. After I made the decision, I never looked back and no, I didn't feel guilty. I would have felt more guilty if I had stayed.

 

After my divorce I underwent a lot of personal therapy and group therapy with women I had things in common with and it helped me immensely as far as personal growth and figuring out who I was and what I wanted. I had gotten married at such a young age (19) that I had not had a chance to grow up. I matured a lot in the time between my first and second marriages. Maybe that has a lot to do with the difference in the two marriages. And yes, I now have someone who in some ways puts me on a pedestal and totally respects me and whom I enjoy spending time with, even after 13 years. I feel more secure in my marriage now than I did in the beginning. It's hard to explain. I guess either the feelings are there or they aren't. But definitely working through problems as soon as they appear helps. Don't sweep things under the rug and think that they will go away; deal with them, even if it requires counseling. My husband says that he thinks our marriage is more successful than our first marriages because 1) we are older and more mature and 2) we learned from our first marriages and don't make the same mistakes. Maybe he's right.

[Carly]

Hi again, Tony,

 

Spooky to read your last post, because in writing my previous reply to you I started saying that I have similarly found myself holding unrealistic expectations at work, as well as with my education, friends, neighborhoods, etc. But I deleted that detail in my reply, thinking it not relevent (?!) to my big fat midlife crisis.

 

In these other areas of my life I am getting over that problem. Now, for example, I just refuse to gripe and whine with anyone at work, and I feel so much better. Friendshipwise, I can now recognize good friends (despite their flaws!) and hang on to them.

 

I'll try the same approach for awhile with my marriage: I.e., am I just expecting too much?

 

Just want you to know that I, like you, am very happy being by myself -- just jogging alone, working by myself on assignments, etc. When hubby is out of town I am actually more content.

 

I am also very happy when I am with friends, when I am with the kids (but not with kids AND hubby -- too much friction), when shopping, reading, etc. It would be difficult to feel share this kind of happiness with hubby -- he just doen't have the capacity for happiness as I experience it.

 

Is it expecting "more than most would" out of a marriage to want similar happiness with husband as I experience with the kids? reading a good novel? working hard at work? shopping? jogging? We don't even enjoy the same friends (he has none anyways).

 

I think that my husband's emotions are either angry or flat -- i.e., very little capacity for happiness as I experience it. Well, he is content working quietly on his word-carving hobby, bowling or watching sports -- but I don't share those hobbies.

 

Or, maybe it's jut ME in terms of being unable to extract happiness from being with him.

 

I guess I'm still thinking.

 

Have a good Easter week-end Tony -- I am sure it will be enjoyable whatever you do!

[Carly]

Thanks, Cindy.

 

No, I don't agree either that "the root of ALL unhappiness is in unreasonable expectartions," but judgng from other postings from Tony to people in blatantly lousy relationships, I doubt he thinks that either (he supports them in leaving a.s.a.p.). But the problem of unrealistic expectations does ring true to many of us who tend to be negative in nature.

 

Gosh how your first marriage sounds like mine. And how I wished that we had forums like this to help me out!! But we didn't, and I had no family to speak of, and I guess I was much less secure than you to make the decision that I should have made long ago. I believed all those years that I had the best I could get. Like that Rod Stewart song, "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger."

 

So here I am, in my forties, afraid to leave because I am assuming that "all the good men are taken." But I am realizing more and more that fear of being alone isn't reason enough to stay in an empty "hollow" relationship.

 

I think what I have to work out now is: am I just expecting too much in my marriage, as I have in other areas of my life (see my previous reply to Tony.)

 

The struggle continues...

 

Thanks for your honesty Cindy. You're a dear.

[Tony T]

1. "Is it expecting "more than most would" out of a marriage to want similar happiness with husband as I experience with the kids? reading a good novel? working hard at work? shopping? jogging?"

 

YOU create the happiness that you experience with anything or anybody...the object does not. If that were the case, everybody would be happy riding a roller coaster, skydiving out of a plane, walking on a high wire, etc. Many are terrified at doing those things...but others can get no bigger thrill. It's not the person or the event that is creating the happiness, it's YOU. It's a decision...just like loving somebody is a decision.

 

Our culture has created people who expect a lot. So much so that many people resort to drugs like cocaine for their "highs" and eventually it takes more and more of it to give them the same experience. We actually demand that things be a certain way, work a certain way, and give us a certain pleasure.

 

Perhaps it's not wrong to expect or demand happiness from a particular person or thing but it is kind of nuts. To place that kind of responsiblity outside yourself is kind of weird.

 

So you're wanting this husband of yours to fire you up in the same way as your kids, reading a novel, shopping, jogging, etc.? Well most of those things are temporary experiences and would naturally excite anybody. A husband is a 24/7 thing, mentally, physically or emotionally or a combination of two or three of those. You have to do a LOT of work to stay high on an experience that's 24/7.

 

I don't see a problem with terminating a relationship that's gone sour, where there's just no fun anymore, where the partner is little more than a speed bump. But just be very sure you understand that expecting the next guy to do more for you over a long period of time is a big gamble.

 

The nature of men is to be hunters. They work like hell and do whatever they have to do to get their woman. But after the hunt, they enjoy their conquest for a while...then put their trophy on the wall, take off their shoes, pick up the paper and start flirting with the TV remote.

 

Just be real careful in the partner you choose next time and don't look at him to make you happy. If that happens consider yourself to have received a real nice bonus.

 

Most people are raised to believe that happiness is an external experience that is given to us from without so there is a terrible resistance for them to subscribe to the idea that they make their own happiness. Just like most humans want to give the blame for almost everything to some other source than themselves.

 

My feeling is that we have arrived in the highest spiritual place when we accept total and complete responsiblity for our lives...instead of giving it out to others at will.

 

I wish you great happiness always....but it's your choice to arrive there!

 

Believe it or not, there are some who live their entire lives on this planet and die, never knowing it was NOT other who made them feel angry, anxious, jealous, guilty, etc....but those were conscious decision THEY themselves made. How sad!

[cindy0039]

Hey again Carly -

It sounds like you are really taking the time to think and work through your own feelings and thoughts. And believe me, when the time is right for you, you WILL have the security and the strength to do the right thing for yourself, whatever you decide that is. But no, all the good men aren't taken. It's a matter of the right man for you personally. And yes, you do have the right to be happy and contented. And I agree with Tony that it is not the job or responsibility of another human being to make another person happy. Nobody is capable of that. But I do believe some people are immensely more suited for each other and make better couples in marriage. Not all marriages "go bad" after a number of years. But like most things in life, it is a crap shoot in some ways I guess.

 

I don't get the feeling that you are playing the blame game here, merely that you are considering your options and wondering if you are entitled to a better life. I personally don't believe in settling.

[moimeme]

I definitely do not agree with Tony's facile 'root of all unhappiness' theory.

 

It is not unreasonable to expect one's partner to be honest, therefore you can certainly be unhappy when a person you thought you could count on lets you down. Carly has said that there is a lot of conflict in the relationship and very little in common. Wanting to have less conflict is not unreasonable. Wanting to share enjoyment with one's partner is not unreasonable. What are you saying, Tony? Be glad if he doesn't beat you and other than that, take what you get because that's all there is? Hardly.

 

I enjoyed the company of my husband. We didn't fight much (though he did frequently get upset at what seemed to be trivial things; turned out he had a lot of self-loathing). However, he was a good companion and, despite what Tony seems to think I do not think it is unreasonable to hope your spouse will be a good companion.

[Carly]

You are all so great. You are helping me peel back the layers of my big fat midlife marriage crisis.

 

Here is where I am at:

 

I feel that I can control the bickering and tension, simply by cutting down the communication -- e.g., if I remind him that the darks don't get washed with the whites, his response is, "OKAAAAY. Then I won't do the laundry anymore!! I just try to help, and you are criticizing." Or if I remind him (once again) that he shouldn't still do baby talk with our seven year old (speech impaired but intellectually very bright) his response is, "Do you have to tell me how to TALK to my own DAUGHTER??!!" He displays this anger in front of our kids -- even thought I handle criticism or suggestions for him with kid gloves, especially around the kids. So, from now on, I say nothing.

 

And woe is me if I'm just in a bad mood -- he turns extremely ugly, calling me swear names, yelling that he'll leave, etc. But then he calms down and apologizes, as with abusive relationships -- not that his happens anymore, because I just don't show him any bad moods. I just keep to myself, which is probably a good strategy for any marriage anyway.

 

He is very insecure, and still can't deal with criticism -- as one therapist told hubby (from what he's seen of us together), "the least infraction by Carly, and she's dealth the electric chair by hubby."

 

OK, so if I make nice all the time, then there's no fighting. As I said, things are improving between us.

 

As for meaningful conversation, it is only meaningful in the sense that he is like a sounding board for me when I say something meaningful. He never intitiates discussion beyond superficial issues -- hence the flatness of our relationship. His thoughts never inspire me. When I talk about personal issues, he doesn't have insight and never seems to get what I am talking about. He tries, but just doesn't seem to get it. If I talk about something unfair at work, he would never take my side. Nor has he ever just "stood by me" in front of others -- in friendly debates with friends, or little tiffs with neighbors over kids sqabbles. (Geesh, seems like all the other husbands stand by their wives during silly littel tiffs with kids, but again, maybe that's expecting too much.)

 

Yes, maybe most marriages are like this, and (as Tony points out) I am just expecting more than most.

 

I do get meaningful conversation from friends and colleagues at work, so is it necessary from hubby? As Tony says, I can't rely on hubby as source of happiness (oh, if only he knew).

 

Can anyone just sit down and produce a list of sources of dissatisfaction from their partners? even those of you who consider yourself happily married? (I guess I'm still trying to figure out if the source of may marital dissatisfaction really does lie with my perceptions of a good marriage).

 

So what do I get from staying in a marriage that is relatively hollow?

 

The thing is, he really likes me, as well as loves me. And he is reliable and responsible as a father. As long as I remain shallow with him, life is pleasant.

 

But there are no shared dreams for the future -- my God, we share so little together, the thought of retirement together creeps me out (not retiring for another 25 years, but still).

 

Or again, is that asking too much? I have a feeling that Tony would rightly point out that retirement happiness will depend on me.

 

On sex: He is fine, no problems, considerate, tells me he loves me, etc. But until recently we'd only have sex rarely (every one or two months), and it never bothered him. Now, thanks to therapy, it's more often. I don't think he really cares one way or the other. Again, this is where the "flatness" comes in.

 

I recently looked at a quiz on whether couples should stay together. Because there is no abuse, addiction, affairs, the answer is yes. AND YET, because I have fantasies that he died and left me on my own, the answer is no. So that didn't help either.

 

This thread is getting me through the layers. Hope it's helping others as well.

 

Carly

[Carly]

Big movement on all of this:

 

I told hubby that things were going so well with us during and shortly after therapy, but lately they are sliding again.

 

He explained that the problem he sees is that he just hasn't had his down time by himself lately, that's all. We've been going to bed at the same time lately, and that's a problem. He really liked it when I went to bed early during the week-nights so he had evenings to himself (when I worked early shifts). He also admits that his needs for intimcay are lower than mine, and its hard to be what he's not. Fair enough.

 

I guess that seals it for me. At htis point I would rather go to bed by myself because I live alone than because my husband needs his solitude.

 

I don't think he's a bad husband for this. I am fully aware that lots of spouses go to bed at seperate times, by choice, and that works for them. But it doesn't for me.

 

I told him that. We are just beginning to explore how to live out our lives as parents to our kids, as friends, as people who care about each other -- but not as husband and wife.

 

Yes, he's sad. He'd like things to stay the way they are. I'm sad too, as well as scared. But I also feel a relief. Wish me luck. Will keep you posted.

[Carly]

Back in the same (new) pattern: Since our talk about separating, he's been great -- attentive, kind, expressive about how he'd like to stay together.

 

I'm starting to get it now: If he thinks the hunt is over, then it't back to R & R mode as a husband -- in his case that means being either emotionally closed up, or irritable. If he thinks the hunt for me is back on though, then he's back to behaving attractively toward me -- pleasant and attentive.

 

But I know that this can't keep up: his old ways will resume, and the "hunter" effect from talking about splitting up will wear off.

 

But I think I've talked this thread to death, and so will now lay it to rest.

 

Thanks for your help!