Break it off or stick it out ?

[MonroeVonOh]

I will keep this as short as possible.

 

 

My guy and I have been together almost a year now as a long distance relationship ( an hour and a half apart)

 

There have been a lot of new feelings that I have felt for this person that I thought I would never really get to experience with anyone as well as having those same feelings be returned to me. He has made me so happy , but at the same time when we bicker or discuss things in a more serious manner , he doesn't know how to handle that part and just calls it me being moody ( which I admit I have been mean about it in the past and I have since changed that in a big way) I call it having a bad day and needing my man there to talk to . My man can be very defensive and just as sensitive. So when we try and talk about more serious things that are going on within the relationship, I now take my time to chose my words more carefully as to not make him feel defensive or what not. I can get frustrated as he never seems to understand what I'm trying to say in the process . In his mind I'm just freaking out and being moody every time and we are both left unhappy and without anything being solved usually. I think he thinks that everything will go back to normal , but for me it's still on my mind because nothing was dealt with properly. I love this man and I know he loves me just the same if not more. But ... there is always a "but" with us , with me.

 

He has no real experience with woman at all and I have a lot with men. I have changed so much for this man and for myself in this past year . He on the other hand I feel has and is doing nothing but blame me for the bad times, in his own ways. He is a very sweet and loving guy , he just doesn't seem to understand . He just thinks everything should be happy happy happy all the time and when it comes to something more serious and real , he can back out leaving me to deal with it all on my own and for the both of us. Today I needed him as I was stressed about school issues, and I felt that he just wasn't there for me . He had let me go on the phone because " my dinner is ready and sitting here , ill talk to you later on MSN" !!!??

 

I am at a loss , I do love this man a lot , and I see great things with him, he is a great catch in a lot of ways . But sometimes I find myself questioning things about him, and about us as a couple. I don't think I could break up with him just yet, but more and more I am feeling that its going to happen at some point in the future.

 

I just feel that he doesn't know how to be in a relationship with someone with as much experience as me , nor does he know how to deal with a woman who has had a bad day and needs to talk . I don't think he thinks there is more to a relationship then just taking me out for lunch and keeping me happy in that way ,and if he does , then he just doesn't know how to go about it or so it seems.

 

I don't know what to do now . I'm stuck . I am starting to feel guilty and bad for everything now and I don't even know why. I feel bad for voicing my opinion or telling him pretty much anything personal now , because it will somehow be that " your being moody" it's just so frustrating

 

he also has a hard time opening up , which makes me feel like I am the one with all the problems in the relationship. That doesn't leave me feeling to good also.

[oppath]

I think you are using his few experiences as an excuse to rationalize the fact you doubt long-term compatibilities with him. He could have had lots of girlfriends and be the same with you. Often when people break up and give x,y, or z as an excuse, a few months down the line, they realize those reasons were only given to rationalize the fact their feelings were changing, and the actual reasons had little to do with it.

 

Also, don't just assume a guy should know if something is up and be sensitive to it. Maybe the guy for you needs to be that way, but we are the more black and white, less socially skilled of the genders. If you need him, perhaps you need to preface the conversation with "I had a bad day. I really need you just to listen and be there for me." He is wrong for blaming you for all the bad times, just as you would be wrong for blaming him. Both of you have responsibility, or you are just not right for each other, so no-one is to blame.

[MonroeVonOh]

I did and do tell him when I am having a bad day. He doesn't come right out and blame me for these things but he makes me feel it . and when ever a new problem or issue comes into play that I feel I need to talk about with him , the first instant I seem a little frustrated , he acts like " here we go again " in a lot of ways. And its not " here we go again" I am just trying to talk to him ! And in the end , he only hears what he wants to hear. I can't count how many times when I am talking to him about something important to me or even in general he says " what?" as in he wasn't listening and didn't hear me .

 

I don't know if I can carry this relationship when it feels like I am on my own with it. I dont think he realizes how difficult and frustrating it is to be and talk with him sometimes. He is to busy wondering what I did to mess things up again and how it is affecting him and only him. He wants the fun and the happy all the time. And really, sometimes , it just doesn't and isn't that way. If I am not happy and smiling and being goofy around my man , he automatically thinks I'm being moody and then I am the one who has to fix everything because now he is in a bad mood .. because of me ? because I didn't smile for 30 seconds? because I am tired ? because I am having a bad day? Because he is more sensitive and defensive than I thought , where if I don't watch my every step and every word around this guy , its my fault when anything happens?

 

I think he thinks that because of the distance, when we see each other it should be nothing but sunshine and lolly-pops .. and you know what , for the most part it is .. so give me a freakin break when it isn't !

[marlena]

Not good signs, my dear! His turning the tables on you whenever you are not clowning around and instigating more serious talk is selfish if not downright narcissitic. Even a simple friend would extend you that courtesy. He seems to lack the capability of being intimate. Or he simply does not want to be and so resorts to making you feel guilty whenever you want to take things a step further.

 

Relationships are not always fun and games and you don't need to be in your fifties to know this! If he truly cared and were serious about you, he would WANT to know about your day, the little joys and aggravations that fill our quotidian lives.

 

You so "he needs a lot of work". No, it takes two to want to work things out and from where I am standing he is not willing to make the effort.

 

I would be very weary!