Finally gave in to the ex and am back in therapy

[lonelybird]

The fact that the T. is affiliated with the clergy and is thought of as a very holy person makes the situation even more difficult for me, since I looked up to him as someone to especially be trustworthy. Fortunately I haven't lost my faith in God but I sure have in people, at least in men. I don't think women take as much advantage of the vulnerable as do men.

Yes, human being makes mistakes. every time I look up someone, adore someone, this very person showed his/her weakness from time to time, I guess that is a way that God teaches me that "every human being is capable of doing wrong things and hurt others", the only one perfect is God and Jesus. so we idolize any human being is a danger thing and poison, they could easily let us lose hope or faith in them, sometimes even affect our opinion to whole group. but root of problem is still in us. That we shouldn't put them in such a high pedestal, I mean honor someone is very different from worshiping someone. many women fall into this kind of trap all the time, they want to have a relationship with a powerful man in order to feel good about themselves, but on the contrary they get minus effect.

 

we can root deeply in God, put faith in God, lock our eyes on God, and interact with other people would be much easier, if people fail us, well, it is understandable, life still goes on. we forgive and choose better. we just cannot assume that a human being will 100% put our well-being ahead of theirs (only God can do this), a therapist cannot do this, even a pastor cannot do this, well, they should, but sometimes they fail because they are human, even we cannot assume a husband can not fail us, because most of time, people put themselves first than others (I found that holy spirit filled man can do better:D). so bottom line is still we have to protect ourselves by good boundaries, by our strong identity, by how we look at ourselves.

 

yes, honor man but don't worship man

 

Don't hate yourself, you measured other's heart as yours, we do this all the time but we wise up

[dropdeadlegs]

I think you're doing great. I know it hurts to face the reality, but the sooner you allow it to sink in and own it, the sooner the hurt will fade. This has already gone on too long and sucked up too much of your self-esteem, but soon you will have a clearer head with which to face your other issues.

 

Your next step is to do some research and find a female therapist to talk with to help you with the issues you started going to therapy for in the first place - you need to be stronger for the next chapter in your life as you put this behind you.

Such good advice and comforting words. I couldn't say it better.

 

Thanks crazy_grl. I really really really really really needed to hear that.

 

I also just looked at my bank account online and all of my checks to his office that hadn't been cashed yet were all done so yesterday, as if he thought I'd put a stop or something? I was thinking maybe he wasn't going to cash them considering they were still not posted and he had used the time for physical purposes, but it helps to let it sink in that it was all about him making money and using me to get off, and not love, as hard as it is to accept.

 

And what if I had gotten into an accident, or suddenly became suicidal or severely troubled from what he had done. I mean something must've happened for me to cancel Monday and not show up Wed even after I said I would, yet like you said he hasn't even once followed up. It makes me feel more and more comfortable with my decision.

I'm so happy to hear you say this, Fun. Not happy that he showed his true colors so much, but happy to see that you can now see those colors. I'm actually very sorry about the checks clearing. Still, that action did make his colors clearly visible.

 

The fact that the T. is affiliated with the clergy and is thought of as a very holy person makes the situation even more difficult for me, since I looked up to him as someone to especially be trustworthy. Fortunately I haven't lost my faith in God but I sure have in people, at least in men. I don't think women take as much advantage of the vulnerable as do men.

 

I still can't get out of my mind what he said the last time I saw him, which has been playing over and over in my head - "Do you think I am exploiting your vulnerabilities?" My heart sank when he asked me that because I wasn't even thinking of that but it's like he planted that thought in my head. It was probably obvious to him and he thought that's what I must've been clearly seeing since it was so obvious to him, but with that seed planted in my head, it was like the rest of the comments here provided the water to sprout the truth inside of me and now I hate myself more than him for being the dumb one at the end of the day.

May the truth continue to grow! Do not hate yourself, though. We have all been vulnerable to such snakes. Keep your "hate" where it belongs, don't internalize it. Please.

[Spinderella]

Did I offend or upset you Fun?

I hope not, because I didnt mean anything I said in an offensive way.

[Spinderella]

The fact that the T. is affiliated with the clergy and is thought of as a very holy person makes the situation even more difficult for me, since I looked up to him as someone to especially be trustworthy. Fortunately I haven't lost my faith in God but I sure have in people, at least in men. I don't think women take as much advantage of the vulnerable as do men.

I think women can take just as much advantage as men, though in different ways of course. Its understandable that you would have trusted him, for many reasons, but more so because you were vulnerable. I think as long as you truly have faith in your own judgement, the higher judgement that guided you that night for example, then you dont need to worry about whether you have faith in others or not. Because your higher judgement will guide you to what and who is right for you if you trust it.

I still can't get out of my mind what he said the last time I saw him, which has been playing over and over in my head - "Do you think I am exploiting your vulnerabilities?" My heart sank when he asked me that because I wasn't even thinking of that but it's like he planted that thought in my head. It was probably obvious to him and he thought that's what I must've been clearly seeing since it was so obvious to him, but with that seed planted in my head, it was like the rest of the comments here provided the water to sprout the truth inside of me and now I hate myself more than him for being the dumb one at the end of the day.

You werent dumb, I really dont think it is stupidity that makes a person fall for things like this.

Do you think you gave him alot of power and were in almost in awe of him, probably because of a combination of things, like the holy connection you mentioned earlier, plus the fact that he was your therapist?

Do you think that you (despite obvious abilities on your part to be able to use intelligent discrimination, or guidance) have a problem with trusting yourself, and have self destructive tendencies? So it was easy for you to think that this man, would be able to guide you better than you, yourself could?

[Fun2BMe]

Did I offend or upset you Fun?

I hope not, because I didnt mean anything I said in an offensive way.

 

 

Of course not, you've been very helpful - thank you.

[Fun2BMe]

Its understandable that you would have trusted him, for many reasons, but more so because you were vulnerable.

I think as long as you truly have faith in your own judgement, the higher judgement that guided you that night for example, then you dont need to worry about whether you have faith in others or not. Because your higher judgement will guide you to what and who is right for you if you trust it.

It helps to hear that, that I trusted him because I was vulnerable, but it was also because my judgement was telling me to, which is what's driving me crazy. We all trust our judgements, but if mine is so off that it led me to trust him, to believe everything he was telling me, then I feel like I can't even trust myself anymore, even though it eventually pulled me out of it.

 

You werent dumb, I really dont think it is stupidity that makes a person fall for things like this.

Thanks, every comment is helpful to make me feel better. I keep reading it over and over that it doesn't mean I'm stupid. I just hate that I placed myself in that situation and went along with it. On top of it, I just told my sister very briefly what happened without details, and she's just mad that I would miss an appointment without canceling it, telling me I can't do things like that. Then she said what if he really was falling in love with you and you blew it! So now I am feeling worse about the whole thing, like I didn't handle it right maybe.

 

 

Do you think you gave him alot of power and were in almost in awe of him, probably because of a combination of things, like the holy connection you mentioned earlier, plus the fact that he was your therapist?

Most definitely. I went to him after my ex broke my heart, and I looked up to him from his book I had read, plus his holy connection. I felt I was finally with someone who I could completely trust, who had the experience and knowledge and character to help me out the most. I completely opened up to him, shared all of myself and trusted him fully, never thinking he would ever do anything that wasn't in MY best interest, let alone doing so for HIS benefit.

 

Do you think that you (despite obvious abilities on your part to be able to use intelligent discrimination, or guidance) have a problem with trusting yourself, and have self destructive tendencies? So it was easy for you to think that this man, would be able to guide you better than you, yourself could?

For sure. I was messing up a lot and I put everything in his hands to help me out with which I thought he was doing, but at the same time he was purposely making me more and more dependent on him to the exclusion of anyone else. He didn't want me talking to my family or anyone other than his friends and circle, and I thought it was because he cared, but it was to make me dependent on him completely. I relied on him to talk to and so when he started to make the physical moves and at the same time telling me he loved me, how could I not believe him? It's still hard not to. I keep going back and forth. How could he lie to that degree? How could I not know the truth to that degree? I feel so messed up now.

[Spinderella]

Of course not, you've been very helpful - thank you

Thankyou, Im glad.

 

Thanks, every comment is helpful to make me feel better. I keep reading it over and over that it doesn't mean I'm stupid. I just hate that I placed myself in that situation and went along with it. On top of it, I just told my sister very briefly what happened without details, and she's just mad that I would miss an appointment without canceling it, telling me I can't do things like that. Then she said what if he really was falling in love with you and you blew it! So now I am feeling worse about the whole thing, like I didn't handle it right maybe.

Then this is a time when you trust your own judgement and not your sisters .

 

Most definitely. I went to him after my ex broke my heart, and I looked up to him from his book I had read, plus his holy connection. I felt I was finally with someone who I could completely trust, who had the experience and knowledge and character to help me out the most. I completely opened up to him, shared all of myself and trusted him fully, never thinking he would ever do anything that wasn't in MY best interest, let alone doing so for HIS benefit.

It must be very shattering, but it is another thing that will strengthen your own trust in yourself, so that you dont keep giving others the trust for you. You are the best person you have, and you are stronger than you think. You also have your own faith.

For sure. I was messing up a lot and I put everything in his hands to help me out with which I thought he was doing, but at the same time he was purposely making me more and more dependent on him to the exclusion of anyone else. He didn't want me talking to my family or anyone other than his friends and circle, and I thought it was because he cared, but it was to make me dependent on him completely. I relied on him to talk to and so when he started to make the physical moves and at the same time telling me he loved me, how could I not believe him? It's still hard not to. I keep going back and forth. How could he lie to that degree? How could I not know the truth to that degree? I feel so messed up now.

Its like as soon as you had this realisation, you have gained such tremendous insight into the whole thing, its really inspiring, and I bet you could really help others alot too.

I think its a case of you trusting him so much that it was hard to accept a different reality. It happens to some degree in most relationships, either during or at the end when people break up.

[norajane]

On top of it, I just told my sister very briefly what happened without details, and she's just mad that I would miss an appointment without canceling it, telling me I can't do things like that. Then she said what if he really was falling in love with you and you blew it! So now I am feeling worse about the whole thing, like I didn't handle it right maybe.

 

Your sister doesn't seem to know what love is either. Love isn't selfish and hurtful. Everything this therapist did was selfish - he had no time or interest in you outside the sessions you paid for. Everything he did was hurtful - he took advantage of you when you were vulnerable.

 

You did the right thing by getting away from him.

 

And your judgment was not wrong - you knew there was something very wrong with what he was doing. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't. You just couldn't see it all clearly because you were vulnerable and confused - and he MADE you more vulnerable and confused.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your sister would like to see you continue in this situation? Does she secretly hate you or something? You guys have a lifelong rivalry going on or something? I can't imagine anyone in my family enabling such a horrible situation, much less berating me for not staying in it.

[Fun2BMe]

I'm happy to report to all of you that I am doing much better than I could EVER possibly have imagined. I seriously thought I would regret making the cancelations, be a basket case and go begging to be forgiven and double book me with extra appointments to make up for lost time. I thought I would be depressed as I am easily prone to when having relationship problems.

 

Instead, I feel like I am moving on within days. I have continued to work and do the things I had scheduled to do for the rest of the week without locking myself in and crying my eyes out. I feel scared if I go back to him as time goes by and I only remember the things I miss about him as happened before, but I don't think that will happen, at least I hope not. I just can't thank all of you enough for continuing to drill your points into my head which I was not allowing myself to even think about or else really didn't know was the case.

 

The only bad thing so far is that I am suddenly thinking more and more of the married neighbor, which I really don't want to. I thought I was over him, but it's like all the love feelings I had for the T are being transferred onto the neighbor. I mean I don't know how to extinguish all the feelings I have inside of me, so it's like it is being dumped onto someone I don't want it to be associated with. I even sent him an email a couple of days ago that I just re-read and it sounds borderline like I am coming on to him but not really. He is away on a business trip, so I emailed him some thoughts I had about a current event and said I was looking forward for his return and wished him a nice trip and so on.

 

I'm thinking if it wasn't for the neighbor, maybe all of my feelings would still be focused onto the T and I'd be back to square one? I don't know if something is wrong with me? I saw the neighbor's wife this morning, but she pretended not to notice me and didn't say hi when I was looking at her waiting to make eye contact to say hello. I don't know if she reads her husband's emails? He hasn't responded yet but I am thinking it's because he's on the road maybe. Anyways, that's probably not going to go anywhere but at least it is serving to get my attention off the T, which is amazing that that is happening and thanks a million again and again....

[Fun2BMe]

Your sister would like to see you continue in this situation? Does she secretly hate you or something? You guys have a lifelong rivalry going on or something? I can't imagine anyone in my family enabling such a horrible situation, much less berating me for not staying in it.

 

No, she cares deeply for me and we get along very well and she usually gives very good advice, which is why it threw me for a loop. I guess she sees him as a very respectable figure and can't imagine him playing around behind his wife's back unless he had genuine loving feelings for me is where she's coming from, which is what I thought and had been convincing her was the case earlier on in the whole situation when she was initially very furious at me, since she is married and got mad, blaming me saying that I must've flirted with him and caused all of it to happen.

[Spinderella]

No, she cares deeply for me and we get along very well and she usually gives very good advice, which is why it threw me for a loop. I guess she sees him as a very respectable figure and can't imagine him playing around behind his wife's back unless he had genuine loving feelings for me is where she's coming from, which is what I thought and had been convincing her was the case earlier on in the whole situation when she was initially very furious at me, since she is married and got mad, blaming me saying that I must've flirted with him and caused all of it to happen.

She seems to be very hard on you, from here. I mean, so whatever way things go, its always YOUR fault right? No wonder you dont trust yourself much. Sorry, but I spent alot of my life putting up with things like that, and for a long time I didnt trust myself either.

As for the married neighbour, well of course you would transfer your feelings to somewhere initially. Perhaps you are attracted to people who seem to have alot of stability, because you feel unstable yourself? There are also unmarried men who have stability, and kindness, you just have to try to meet them.

Perhaps when you try to deny yourself another man, because you are afraid of what will happen, you go for the "safe" options, like the unavailable married men? Because actually you are yearning for intimacy and love.

Take control of those needs and go out to meet a good man, rather than letting those needs take control of you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope you will find a new therapist (an older lady that you won't be transferring any feelings like that to) before you bring your problems into this other married guy's life, Fun. You don't need 'love' right now. You need some serious help, because you are spinning out of control. I'm glad that you can at least see that your feelings for this MM are transference, and not exactly real. I can only hope you don't lose sight of that before its too late.

[wreckedhorse]

you feel lost and confused because you are lost and confused. first, step away from the gym. two, start being real with yourself.

[wreckedhorse]

hope you find confidence in your own voice soon.

[whichwayisup]

, but it's like all the love feelings I had for the T are being transferred onto the neighbor.

 

That is exactly what you're doing. So, don't do it!

 

Focus that energy into something else. Into you! Into your friends, your family, or a project that will keep you busy.

[serial muse]

The only bad thing so far is that I am suddenly thinking more and more of the married neighbor, which I really don't want to. I thought I was over him, but it's like all the love feelings I had for the T are being transferred onto the neighbor. I mean I don't know how to extinguish all the feelings I have inside of me, so it's like it is being dumped onto someone I don't want it to be associated with. I even sent him an email a couple of days ago that I just re-read and it sounds borderline like I am coming on to him but not really. He is away on a business trip, so I emailed him some thoughts I had about a current event and said I was looking forward for his return and wished him a nice trip and so on.

 

I'm thinking if it wasn't for the neighbor, maybe all of my feelings would still be focused onto the T and I'd be back to square one? I don't know if something is wrong with me? I saw the neighbor's wife this morning, but she pretended not to notice me and didn't say hi when I was looking at her waiting to make eye contact to say hello. I don't know if she reads her husband's emails? He hasn't responded yet but I am thinking it's because he's on the road maybe. Anyways, that's probably not going to go anywhere but at least it is serving to get my attention off the T, which is amazing that that is happening and thanks a million again and again....

 

Fun...it's possible that he shared your email with her, because it troubled him. I wouldn't assume that she's going into his stuff - perhaps he really prefers her, and is confiding in her.

 

You really need to leave them alone and focus on why you have this compulsion to transfer those feelings from place to place and person to person. Why do you so desperately need a focus for them at all times? If it's not one person, it's another. It's clearly not about finding a soul mate if they're so transferable - and this neighbor is just another object for you. This is about you, and a therapist who can truly be objective (as LB said, an older, female therapist) would actually be able to help you sort that out. It does sound like you're desperately afraid of being alone, and of not having anyone to feel passionate about. I'm sorry for you, but please don't contribute to spreading pain elsewhere just because you're terribly afraid of facing yours.

[Storyrider]

and of not having anyone to feel passionate about.

 

I really think muse is onto something here. She can be very perceptive.

 

Speaking as someone who knows, you do need to pursue something in your life you feel passionate about, something that comes from your gifts and interests and has nothing to do with a man.

 

Have you always felt the need for a man in your life to adore? Do you think this stems from something in your childhood?

[Fun2BMe]

Fun...it's possible that he shared your email with her, because it troubled him. I wouldn't assume that she's going into his stuff - perhaps he really prefers her, and is confiding in her.

 

You really need to leave them alone and focus on why you have this compulsion to transfer those feelings from place to place and person to person. Why do you so desperately need a focus for them at all times? If it's not one person, it's another. It's clearly not about finding a soul mate if they're so transferable - and this neighbor is just another object for you. This is about you, and a therapist who can truly be objective (as LB said, an older, female therapist) would actually be able to help you sort that out. It does sound like you're desperately afraid of being alone, and of not having anyone to feel passionate about. I'm sorry for you, but please don't contribute to spreading pain elsewhere just because you're terribly afraid of facing yours.

 

 

Interesting points. I need to do some introspection.

[Fun2BMe]

 

Speaking as someone who knows, you do need to pursue something in your life you feel passionate about, something that comes from your gifts and interests and has nothing to do with a man.

I have quite a few big passions, but as soon as the love feelings begin to sprout, everything gets dumped to the sidelines and the feelings consume me until they take over my life and my actions, while everything else gets put on hold.

 

Have you always felt the need for a man in your life to adore?[/quuote]

Yes, but I imagine all of us do. I mean even LB going through her ordeal fears she won't have a man.

Do you think this stems from something in your childhood?

I really try not to think about the past but focus on the present. I really don't know, in part because I don't know exactly what my issues are to begin with other than men hurting me all the time.

[Fun2BMe]

This is about you,

 

The comments are very slowly but surely sinking in. Maybe some of this has to do with me? I really never thought of it that way. But isn't it wrong to blame myself for what happened?

 

and a therapist who can truly be objective (as LB said, an older, female therapist) would actually be able to help you sort that out.

I realized I was advised this in multiple multiple posts but was ignoring it, but now I think I am ready to consider this. I thought I could never trust a threrapist again but I found a female therapist online today who looks to be in her 50s and specializes in treating people who have gone through similar ordeals as me, and has a lot of education and credentials.

 

I placed an order for a book she has written, after which I may contact her for setting up an appointment. They'll be over the phone since she is in another state, but maybe over time I can make occassional visits or she can refer me to someone in person to complement the phone sessions if needed. Well, I feel like I am doing something to help myself instead of letting everything eat me up, so thanks for the continued advice.

[Touche]

Yeah, talk about men hurting you...

 

My dad died 42 years ago. I'm grieving still. It's the anniversary of his death. I'm sad now. I've always been sad about not getting to know him.

 

My grandfather died in 2000. My stepdad died in 2001.

 

The love of my life (19 years older than me) and I parted in 1994. I loved him with all my being, Fun. I never ever thought I could love another man like I loved him.

 

Those are the men who I loved with all I had.

 

But you WILL love again. I did. And I'm no stronger or weaker than you are. I'm no smarter. You will, Fun. You'll see.

[crazy_grl]

The comments are very slowly but surely sinking in. Maybe some of this has to do with me? I really never thought of it that way. But isn't it wrong to blame myself for what happened?.

 

Think of it like this. If someone attacks you and beats you up, you're not to blame for what happened. That other person is completely responsible for doing that to you. But if you had taken a self-defense class, you could have defended yourself and not been beaten up. The fact that you didn't take that self-defense class doesn't make the person who attacked you any less criminal.

 

So you shouldn't feel responsible for him taking advantage of you, but you can recognize the fact that this happened to be a sign that you need some help. You can figure out why you let this happen and what it is within yourself that makes you feel the need to be attached to a man. Doing that with a new therapist is like your self-defense class.

[norajane]

Have you always felt the need for a man in your life to adore?

 

Yes, but I imagine all of us do. I mean even LB going through her ordeal fears she won't have a man.

 

I believe LB doesn't want to lose the man she loves and who loves her, the man who's been in her life for a long time.

 

That's very different from transferring your desire to have a man to whatever man happens to cross your path.

 

Think about the question some more - why do you need a man to fixate your attention on? Does it make you feel less lonely? Does it give you hope for your future? Does it make you fell more alive? Does it make your life more interesting/exciting?

 

And for the record, no, not every woman needs to have a man as the 'object of her affection' at all times. There are many women who don't need that 'object' all the time. They might like to have it, prefer it, but they don't absolutely NEED it. There's a difference.