Finally gave in to the ex and am back in therapy

[IpAncA]

My ex is very persuasive so I don't know how to call to cancel on him but I have a feeling I'll regret if I don't go or if I do go I'm scared I'll regret it even more, but at this point it's my therapist's fault for leaving me hanging like this when I need his help the most. WTF??????? I'm almost tempted to see my ex just to throw in the therapist's face how much he screwed things up for me by not getting back.

 

There you go. Pushed the blame on other people but yourself.

 

This all went down around 4:50pm. His session should've been up at 5pm and it is now 5:45pm and he hasn't called or texted back when I went way out to seek his help on this, so I am totally totally devestated. In the meantime just a few minutes ago my ex called and I let it go to vm he's waiting for me to call back to let him know that I'll be on my way over. I have no idea what to do...

 

Yeah you do...

 

You could have simply told your ex you didn't want to see him. You could have told him that you wanted him to go away. But you didn't. I don't know why you keep saying your confused. You don't seem confused to me.

[Fun2BMe]

Here is a brief update - so my therapist never got back to me, i texted my ex that I was running late and couldn't see him, then turned off my phone and was in a state of hurt considering the therapist never called back in the meantime my ex had called and texted many times to get a hold of me.

 

The next day I went to therapy and the therapist explained that he had never received my text or a message from his secretary that I was trying to reach him. He had a print out of an email - my ex had forwarded my private email stating that I had missed him and that i wanted to see him after discussing it first with the therapist, telling the therapist angrily that it was proof that it was his fault that I was no longer seeing him. The therapist had emailed back that what I do are my decisions and so on.

 

The ex had forwarded my email Sunday and on Monday when I had agreed to see him, I had emailed for him to keep it a secret from my therapist, so obviously he might've regretted sending the email and it might make sense to him why I am ignoring him again, with him knowing that I had the appointment with the therapist and likely found out. He has been calling me nonstop but at this point, after my session, I really do feel more over him but at times think I have to see him.

 

A highlight is that the relationship with my therapist is improving and he even called and texted me twice outside my session. But then last night I had dinner with some friends and was very buzzed, only to at that time get an email from my ex-ex, asking if I was out of town or else not responding to him. I emailed back (like an idiot) that I was not responding but that I missed him! So he emailed back yesterday and I didn't respond but just a few minutes he emailed asking for my new number...and tomorrow I am invited to have lunch at the neighbor's house which I am nervous about.

 

I don't know if he or his wife have sensed my feelings, but I am working on not having feelings for him even though in the back of my mind I haven't determined yet if it's our destiny to be together or not. I won't get into details now but I have more confusion and now my therapist has scheduled me for twice weekly appointments and the thought of paying for seeing someone who is supposed to love me is starting to bother me but maybe it will show him i really care until the time comes we will see each other without sessions? I don't know, but in the meantime it's frustrating and getting expensive...

[Fun2BMe]

There you go. Pushed the blame on other people but yourself.

No, I am not the type to blame others for my faults. When I say the ex is persuasive so I avoid calling him not to give in - that shows my weakness and fault - that I'm not strong enough to stick to what I want and give in because he is stronger. I don't know how that pushes the blame on other people.

[Fun2BMe]

When the guy is married, it doesn't matter how much chemistry there is. If you find it impossible to ignore, you remove yourself from temptation by not being a part of each other's lives anymore.

 

But chemistry is a sign that two people should be together. Maybe ignoring that sign will be a mistake, and maybe it won't. I guess nobody has the answers to these things.

[underpants]

Reading this thread is like watching Dynasty in the looney bin.

 

Fun, ...is this fun for you?

 

If so...then enjoy. If not, then take note.

 

My advice is to retain a better (female) therapist, dump all baggage at the curb and begin to really focus on your healing. How many times do you need to read this?

 

Don't bother with lunch with the neighbors. Just tell them you fell ill, caught a stomach bug.

 

I hope you figure it out. It should never mean hurting others though.(IMO)...by others I mean...the therapist's wife, neighbors wife, the ex that you are obviously using to get to the therapist...and so on.

 

Please get a grip....I mean this in the kindest way.

[StaringContest]

But chemistry is a sign that two people should be together.

 

*sigh* No Fun, it's not.

 

Maybe ignoring that sign will be a mistake, and maybe it won't. I guess nobody has the answers to these things.

 

Actually plenty of people do, and they're giving them to you. I just don't know why you're ignoring them.

 

Your latest update was a little exasperating to read. I can't believe you're still tolerating the disrespect from these jerks in your life. Though, maybe it's my imagination or wishful thinking, but you did seem to be a little more together.

 

You're getting plenty of good advice here from people who most likely don't have this kind of drama in their lives. And it's not just chance that they don't. How do I know that? Because I used to have drama too (though not as much as you), and since I've been handling things in the ways people are describing to you, I've been pretty much drama free and happy.

 

I think you'll figure it out some day. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Take care, Fun.

[Spinderella]

Sounds like the therapist is upping his contact time with you, to stop you from succumbing to the persuasion of the ex. After all, I doubt he would want the ex to be told anything about what really happens in your therapy sessions. Best to keep you away from the ex then.

[norajane]

But chemistry is a sign that two people should be together.

 

No, it's not. It's a sign that you are attracted to someone. That doesn't mean you SHOULD be together, not by a long shot.

 

You've had chemistry with how many men? Lots, I'm sure. Did it mean you were supposed to be with each of them? No, it didn't. ALL of those relationships ended, and many turned out badly.

 

In this case, the married neighbor has chemistry with his WIFE. And that's who he chose to marry. Whether you are attracted to him or not is irrelevant - he has already made his choice and the only SHOULD here, is that you SHOULD forget him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Fun, you have some serious problems. I hope for your sake that you will get the help you need, and be able to look back on this years from now and be grateful that you were able to get yourself out of this.

 

I wish that there were some magic way to let the wives of these guys know what is going on. Its bad enough that you are OW in one case, and wanting to be OW in the other - but its really bad in that you are unstable and the damage you could cause in these people's lives are far worse than your average OW/MM fallout. I especially feel bad for the one guy you are considering pursing and who you

... haven't determined yet if it's our destiny to be together or not.

 

If I knew there was an OW lurking around me and my man who felt that way about him, I would be afraid that she would somehow get it into her sick noggin that me and my daughter needed to be 'disposed of' so that OW could 'fulfill her destiny' with my guy. I would resist every urge I have to go and stomp her deluded sick ass into the ground, and instead I'd gather up every bit of damning information I could find on her, and get a restraining order against OW. If she even so much as breathed in our direction, we would do everything in my power to have her put away so that she couldn't menace any more people with her twisted sense of "destiny".

 

Its too bad that this guy's wife doesn't know about you. If she did, she could take the steps she needs with her husband to protect their family from you.

 

You may be a likable person in general, Fun - but you are a dangerous one when it comes to stuff like this. You are like some sort of cancer wrapped in a tornado, self destructing while at the same time taking out as many people around you as possible.

 

I hope you get the help you need, for your sake and for the sakes of the others whose lives you are determined to rip apart.

[IpAncA]

But chemistry is a sign that two people should be together. Maybe ignoring that sign will be a mistake, and maybe it won't. I guess nobody has the answers to these things.

 

What? Chemistry doesn't mean it's a sign to be together. If so then I should have more then one H and he should have more than one W.

 

...and tomorrow I am invited to have lunch at the neighbor's house which I am nervous about.

 

I don't know if he or his wife have sensed my feelings, but I am working on not having feelings for him even though in the back of my mind I haven't determined yet if it's our destiny to be together or not. I won't get into details now

 

You don't know if you two being together is yours and his's destiny? The man is married and his destiny is with his W. He married her and not you for a reason and when he made vows, they weren't directed at you and never will be. His current marriage isn't a waiting period waiting for you to come along. It's real and you have no business trying to tamper with it. Their marriage is none of you business nor is he.

 

I mean come on...how would you feel if you had a H and some OW came along saying that her's and your H destiny was to be together? I'm sure you wouldn't be thrilled and would tell her where to shove it.

[sb129]

This "love" quadrangle/mess is getting crazier by the day.

 

Your ex and you have the same therapist? The same one that YOU are sleeping with? (and paying????--- now TWICE a week? WTF!!:eek:)

 

That is totally crazy, not to mention unprofessional. When I was in therapy my therapist refused to see my then-BF, because she said it would compromise the therapist-patient R we had.

 

Your therapist needs to be reported. How do you know he isn't having this kind of R going on with any number of his other patients?

You don't- not for sure. You think that YOU have a special R with him, but thats also what his wife, and all his other patients think too.

 

He is Grade A scum, because he is playing you and your ex off against eachother, and getting his rocks off into the bargain. Behind his wifes back! And getting paid! What a creep.

 

Fun, I think you enjoy the drama. If you really wanted out of this situation, you would terminate contact with your therapist, and your ex. (preferably both)

You say one thing, and do another (ie email things like "I miss you" to your ex-ex- )

 

You thrive on the attention, and I think you are scared that if you cease to get that attention you will have to actually face up to yourself.

 

Its very scary, but you will never have a good healthy happy R until you clear these men out of your life, take a good look in the mirror, and heal yourself.

[pricillia]

SB129,

 

I think that the therapist is sleeping with other patients, I think that Fun said that in one of her posts.

 

I still think that fun should go to a women therapist..to have something in her life that does not involve men

[sb129]

SB129,

 

I think that the therapist is sleeping with other patients, I think that Fun said that in one of her posts.

 

P are you kidding me???. That guy needs his license revoking. Now.

What a GROSSLY negligent abuse of his position.

 

I am...... actually lost for words. I am appalled that someone could be so unprofessional.

 

And she thinks she is something special? That loser is laughing all the way to the bank. I hope they use protection, or he could be "spreading the love" in more ways than one.

 

I still think that fun should go to a women therapist..to have something in her life that does not involve men.

 

Absolutely. Or to have someone stable that actually plays the role they are meant to... a female therapist is the only way to go for her.

 

 

Brick wall<============HEAD

[Fun2BMe]

So here's a quick update. The relationship with my therapist has heated up. Last week we arranged to get together during slots of hours when he was either free or had cancellations and he didn't charge me for that, but when we did have our sessions which are now twice weekly (the paid ones) we only have a session for maybe the last ten minutes which is definitely awkward and nothing productive gets done.

 

I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions. On the one hand we are getting much closer, he continues to say he loves me and all of that feels good. But the sexual part sometimes makes me feel dehumanized. I mean he gets so into me and does sexual stuff I haven't even tried before, but then I have to imagine he is sleeping with his wife and it makes me really angry, but then when I am with hiim it feels ok. So I don't know how to feel sometimes.

 

And today I spoke with my ex who wants me to have brunch with him tomorrow. I agreed and hope I don't flake on the one hand, and on the other I feel like I will be 'cheating' on the therapist but I feel like I want to get back at him since he's the one telling me i can't see anyone else all the while he is sleeping with his wife:sick:

 

SB129,

 

I think that the therapist is sleeping with other patients, I think that Fun said that in one of her posts.

 

No, he doesn't sleep with other patients. I may have said I was concerned if he did, but i have asked him many times and he completely reassures me that I'm the only patient anything physical has happened with, that he is scared he has such feelings for me and so on. I mean if he is lying to me, I will totally be devestated but how am I to know other than take his word for it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

he completely reassures me that I'm the only patient anything physical has happened with, that he is scared he has such feelings for me and so on. I mean if he is lying to me, I will totally be devestated but how am I to know other than take his word for it.

 

His current wife was his patient. I'm sure that when he was married to his first wife, he told his current wife the same "I'm afraid of my feelings" bullsh*t that he is feeding you. You think you and she were/are the only ones? I'm not sure why you would. They call it pattern behavior for a reason.

 

But the sexual part sometimes makes me feel dehumanized.

 

This is the most lucid thing I have seen you post in this thread. At least you have some semblance of a shred of self preservation, and maybe that tiny bit inside you there will be what will get you out of this mess.

[Fun2BMe]

His current wife was his patient. I'm sure that when he was married to his first wife, he told his current wife the same "I'm afraid of my feelings" bullsh*t that he is feeding you. You think you and she were/are the only ones? I'm not sure why you would. They call it pattern behavior for a reason.

I hate to face that possibility. That would make me lose faith in any relationship again. He is someone I idolized, respected and trust and have come to feel we have a unique relationship he is risking his marriage and practice for, including my sanity and my heart. When I don't take people's word on face value i get criticized so i am taking his face value, that he divorced before becoming intimate with his current wife, that I'm the only patient this has happened with and so on.

 

 

 

This is the most lucid thing I have seen you post in this thread. At least you have some semblance of a shred of self preservation, and maybe that tiny bit inside you there will be what will get you out of this mess.

That's the part that got me to post. When things seem ok, I feel nobody understands and posting will only get negative feedback, but this past week, sometmes he's made me feel like a faceless, souless piece of meet and it hurts, I don't know if he realizes it or what to do or say. It's hard now that i have developed feelings and he always says he loves me and makes me feel so special.

[LucreziaBorgia]

sometmes he's made me feel like a faceless, souless piece of meet and it hurts

 

Fun, I'll level with you here. I've seen you posting here for a long time. I've followed your stories. I don't know you except for your posts, but even so I find myself caring about what happens to you. I come off harshly - frustration over seeing you do this, and anger toward those who feed it by taking advantage of you - but, I can tell you this. If I didn't care, I wouldn't even read your threads much less react to them. I am sorry that he is making you feel this way. Hopefully you'll find someone who won't make you feel like that, and you'll look back and wonder why you ever allowed yourself to get in a place like you are now. You may feel trapped, but I assure you that you are not. You are holding the keys to your own cage. I just wish you could gather up the strength to use them. It isn't easy. Truly it isn't. The hardest prison to escape is the one we build for ourselves...

[whichwayisup]

That's the part that got me to post. When things seem ok, I feel nobody understands and posting will only get negative feedback, but this past week, sometmes he's made me feel like a faceless, souless piece of meet and it hurts, I don't know if he realizes it or what to do or say. It's hard now that i have developed feelings and he always says he loves me and makes me feel so special.

 

FUN, I care what happens to you and I'm not mad at you at all. I'm frustrated with the situation, how this all came about AGAIN since you went through so much about this not too long ago...You seemed to 'see' this guy in the nasty light he needs to be seen in once again. Somehow you slipped backwards and allowed him back into your heart, and because of that I'm telling ya, you need to SEE this guy for who he is...A guy who is a supposed to BE a therapist, someone who is supposed to HELP his clients, not try to have relationships with them, not try to have sex with them. It would have been better for HIM to recognize WTF was going on and say "You can't be my client anymore..." And then pursued you once you weren't his client. (that is wrong too seeing as he's married, but atleast he wouldn't be doing something against the law like he is doing now.) He is in a position of power.

 

Recently I had a full physical done, my Dr is male. He had a female assistant in the room while he did my pap smear. To protect ME and to protect HIM. It's just the way things go in life now and your therapist knows better. HE took the Oath before becoming a Doctor. HE has BROKEN the BIG OATH by allowing this relationship to happen again, to take your money, to degrade you, to use your emotions, your problems, your frame of mind against you.

 

YOU ARE SPECIAL. You don't need HIM or any other man to feel or know this about yourself. Remember what you did last month when one of our dear Loveshackers was in emotional turmoil? You have a huge heart and you went beyond the duty and was there for her. You met up with her, and helped her through one of the worst times in her life...THAT makes you an incredible woman! All the wonderful things you do for your family, friends, people online....The way you conduct yourself when answering other people's posts, you're intelligent and post with respect as well.

 

See? I hope what I've said has made you feel special.

[marlena]

Hopefully you'll find someone who won't make you feel like that, and you'll look back and wonder why you ever allowed yourself to get in a place like you are now.

 

Fun, I now LB is right. You will look back one day and wonder how you ever allowed yourself to be entrapped in this situation ...whether you do find someone else or not.

 

That day of clarity is waiting for you just around the bend ...your day of liberation will come whether you open the lock or he does ...one way or another you will be let out of this cage that this man - ipulator (and yourself) have incarcerated yourself in .... and you will feel all the better for it ...eventually

[IpAncA]

It's just the way things go in life now and your therapist knows better. HE took the Oath before becoming a Doctor. HE has BROKEN the BIG OATH by allowing this relationship to happen again, to take your money, to degrade you, to use your emotions, your problems, your frame of mind against you.

 

Oh he knows better alright. He was pumped ethics since he entered graduate school. He knows the rules and is choosing to not follow them. I can assure anyone if anyone knew what he was doing he would be in BIG trouble.

 

I know in some states there are sites where therapists/counselors whatever are outed about what they did. A person doesn't want to end up on those sites because you never come off of them.

[Spinderella]

I hate to face that possibility. That would make me lose faith in any relationship again. He is someone I idolized, respected and trust and have come to feel we have a unique relationship he is risking his marriage and practice for, including my sanity and my heart.

 

Unfortunately, you cant always trust someone else with your heart and your sanity, because some people really are just out for themselves. It is where you have to trust yourself, and your own gut, which seems to be telling you that...

 

sometmes he's made me feel like a faceless, souless piece of meet and it hurts,

But the sexual part sometimes makes me feel dehumanized

 

It sounds as though you have trouble trusting yourself, but, you are the best friend you have. You have the power to take yourself away from those situations that make you feel like this. You have the power to find yourself a beautiful man, who would never make you feel degraded or inhuman, someone who wouldn't dream of being with anybody else apart from you. You have the power to choose to walk alone until you find someone who is that beautiful and that special. Draw on your strength and walk away and never look back, dont limit yourself. If you find it hard to do, keep visualising yourself as having that power, and soon enough you will realise it is true.

[sb129]

How can someone who makes you feel like this:

 

 

 

sometmes he's made me feel like a faceless, souless piece of meet and it hurts, I don't know if he realizes it or what to do or say.

 

 

ever TRULY make you feel like this:

 

he always says he loves me and makes me feel so special.

 

I don't think its possible. Oh Fun, please can't you see how twisted this situation is?

[Fun2BMe]

For some reason I woke up this morning upset at the situation instead of looking forward to my appointment. I am getting ready to go to it right now and feel a natural instinct to wear several layers of clothes and want to tell him I don't want any touching, but am scared he's going to analyze me and say something like I am afraid to let someone who really cares to get close to me, which is something he's said before. But if he doesn't respect what I want, I am determined to terminate the sessions.

 

I also want to tell him that I want to go back to once a week instead of twice a week, that my request for an additional session wasn't to have more physical contact which is what I feel he has interpreted it as, but that I actually have issues I want to discuss...wish me luck.

[Spinderella]

So you can see that he uses his "therapy" to manipulate you, yet you are trusting him to help you with your issues. Its not gonna happen, he doesnt care about your issues, except where he can use them to bed you.

[IpAncA]

For some reason I woke up this morning upset at the situation instead of looking forward to my appointment. I am getting ready to go to it right now and feel a natural instinct to wear several layers of clothes and want to tell him I don't want any touching, but am scared he's going to analyze me and say something like I am afraid to let someone who really cares to get close to me, which is something he's said before. But if he doesn't respect what I want, I am determined to terminate the sessions.

 

Oh he's good no doubt but what he's doing is not allowed. *shakes head*

 

He puts doubt and manipulates you for his benefit, not yours. You should end the sessions anyway. Who cares if he respects you or not. Get away from his loser.