Finally gave in to the ex and am back in therapy

[whichwayisup]

For some reason I woke up this morning upset at the situation instead of looking forward to my appointment. I am getting ready to go to it right now and feel a natural instinct to wear several layers of clothes and want to tell him I don't want any touching, but am scared he's going to analyze me and say something like I am afraid to let someone who really cares to get close to me, which is something he's said before. But if he doesn't respect what I want, I am determined to terminate the sessions.

I think you know deep inside what you need and have to do Fun...He is invading your personal space, your vunerabilty against you and you feel it.

 

Don't let him touch you. Don't let him use this against you and make it seem like it's some deep seeded issue that you dont want to be touched. The issue is, HE is your Therapist and your Therapist should NOT BE TOUCHING you.

 

I also want to tell him that I want to go back to once a week instead of twice a week, that my request for an additional session wasn't to have more physical contact which is what I feel he has interpreted it as, but that I actually have issues I want to discuss...wish me luck

 

You don't need therapy twice a week. You aren't suicidal, you aren't depressed, you aren't bipolar, or anything. Even at my worst when I was having bad panic attacks, I only went once a week to talk to my T.

 

Another thing, you are not getting your money's worth anymore...You know this too...Fact that you can't trust him to sit and talk about your issues without worrying that he's gonna make a move on you and make the session about him and what HE wants. That is not what you're paying him for. Therapy is SUPPOSED to be about you and your problems, not about crossing lines and getting intimate with the T. HE is so wrong FUN and I wish you could believe my words.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Is this a joke? I don't want to be cruel because I have my own issues but are you being serious about sleeping with your therapist? or is this an attempt to get some attention? I am just curious. This is beyond wrong and he should be reported to the board.. his license could be revoked, if he even has one.

 

Wow, I don't even know what to say about this.. not a clue. Wrong, just plain wrong!

[StaringContest]

For some reason I woke up this morning upset at the situation instead of looking forward to my appointment. I am getting ready to go to it right now and feel a natural instinct to wear several layers of clothes and want to tell him I don't want any touching, but am scared he's going to analyze me and say something like I am afraid to let someone who really cares to get close to me, which is something he's said before. But if he doesn't respect what I want, I am determined to terminate the sessions.

 

I also want to tell him that I want to go back to once a week instead of twice a week, that my request for an additional session wasn't to have more physical contact which is what I feel he has interpreted it as, but that I actually have issues I want to discuss...wish me luck.

 

Well it's a step in the right direction. Stay strong and don't let him use your doubts and volnerabilities against you anymore.

[Fun2BMe]

First I want to thank everyone for your continued support. So yesterday I ended up wearing a long skirt with leggings underneath, a long sleeve shirt to my neck and a jacket with the buttons buttoned up. When he greeted me he tried kissing but I pulled back. He was looking nice in a new outfit and I could see he looked hurt or confused, but I kept walking away heading towards the seat, so he asked if I wanted to do some therapy first, which is what I wanted.

 

He said there's something you need to tell me. I said there was but it was hard to say it. He kept waiting and encouraging me to tell him. I finally said I'd tell him later, that it was hard for me to say it. So instead we ended up having an old fashioned therapy session, one of the classic good ones I haven't had in a very long while which reminded me of why I choose to see him. He is really amazing and helped me out a lot, I would guess it would take other therapists months to do what he does in an hour.

 

I was participating actively and attentively so I wouldn't give him an opportunity to switch to the physical stuff. Then towards the end he said now I want you tell me what you need to tell me. I told him that ever since our previous visit last wednesday, between then and Monday I couldn't stop thinking about him being with his wife, the fact that he is married and in the meantime I am left alone, go to bed alone while I imagine he is holding her.

 

I told him that was why I didn't want him touching me, that it makes me feel very hurt and at the same time afraid because here I am opening up to him, making myself vunlnerable, when I know in reality it will only be a matter of time until he says he's married and things have to come to an end, especially if he sees how into someone I can get and not let go if I go there with him.

 

He was happy I expressed those feelings to him, as was I. It felt like such a relief to let him know I am not someone who is ok with only a physical relationship while he gives the rest of his time and himself to another woman not to mention physicallly too in most liklihood. I also felt afraid he would stop everything cold turkey and now that I do have feelings for him, that would be hard emotionally too, which is one of the reasons it was so hard for me to not only tell him these things, but to decide if I should or not.

 

I am at least learning how important it is to really communicate with someone. He told me that he didn't know how I was feeling and that he can't read my mind, and how so many couples don't communicate and all that stuff. But we had already gone over our time and his secretary kept calling to say his next patient was waiting, so he said we would discuss this at our next appointment (which is tomorrow). I am at least feeling much better now that I have voiced my feelings and fears and am wondering what he will tell me.

[Fun2BMe]

You don't need therapy twice a week. You aren't suicidal, you aren't depressed, you aren't bipolar, or anything. Even at my worst when I was having bad panic attacks, I only went once a week to talk to my T.

 

But obviously I'm in love with him so I do look forward to twice weekly sessions. But when they turn only to a physical appointment, then I feel like I still need the therapy so I was thinking of proposing to cut it to once weekly so he will use that one appointment more wisely for my benefit.

 

I guess I will know where things stand tomorrow. If he ends everything fearing I have more feelings than he knew and it is already messing with my head, then all hell will break loose. I'm not going to let him hurt me after all that I have already been through. If he thinks things can continue as they are all the while going home to his wife, that's also a problem, so he better have an acceptable solution to all this.

[dropdeadlegs]

he better have an acceptable solution to all this.

Fun, I'm glad that you continue to post although most days I'm just at a loss for words.

 

Maybe it doesn't always come across, but I really care about how this situation is affecting you.

 

I have stated my concerns and feelings about the situation multiple times in multiple threads, so I won't put you through hearing them again. Still, I am curious as to what would be an acceptable solution to you. I assume you want him to leave his wife, but if he won't, are you planing to continue therapy with him? Will you continue therapy at all?

 

I'm just very concerned about how this relationship could set you back further than ever if things don't go the way you might expect.

[Newtotheblogthing]

I wrote a response and realized it was very uncaring. I apologize to you. I am just concerned and it came out it a very judgmental way.

 

I hope that you can work through this, you are a human being, who deserves to be happy.. Good luck and I hope you can work through this!

[Fun2BMe]

I am curious as to what would be an acceptable solution to you.

 

I think it's too soon to get him to leave his wife just yet, but I think he should propose fulfilling more of my needs, spending more time with me, calling more often, not giving his cell phone to his secretary or wife when he's busy so that I can text private things to him like I used to, things like that but I want to see what he says first because he has to feel the same.

[Fun2BMe]

I wrote a response and realized it was very uncaring. I apologize to you. I am just concerned and it came out it a very judgmental way.

 

I hope that you can work through this, you are a human being, who deserves to be happy.. Good luck and I hope you can work through this!

 

Thanks for the apology. Your post was hurtful but I wasn't upset at you because I know it's hard for someone who's not in the situation, who doesn't have their feelings involved, to know what it feels like. Running to the board is the last thing on my mind, considering I'm in love with him and it wouldn't make sense for me to want to get him into any trouble, but I can see where you're coming from.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Fun, he already ditched his first wife for his OW/patient and got away with it. I'm not sure why you think he would do the same with you. He got away with it once. When it becomes apparent that sleeping with his patients and cheating on his wives is a pattern for him, he will lose his practice. Do you think he would give that up for you? I think he is going to continue using you, and billing you for the time you allow yourself to be used. You say he loves you, but I really wish you could see this for what it is: an unethical con man who not only sleeps with his patients, but charges them for it. That isn't love.

 

If he loved you, he would find you a decent therapist, work on leaving his wife, and incorporate you into his life legitimately. As it is, all he is doing is using you for sex and money behind his wife's back. I'm not sure why you don't insist on something better, but maybe deep down you don't feel you deserve it. It would go a long way in explaining why you get yourself into relationships with absolutely horrible men - and in this case, you even get to write checks every week to pay for it.

 

Honestly, Fun. You are BOUND to know better on some level.

[sb129]

Fun, he already ditched his first wife for his OW/patient and got away with it. I'm not sure why you think he would do the same with you. He got away with it once. When it becomes apparent that sleeping with his patients and cheating on his wives is a pattern for him, he will lose his practice. Do you think he would give that up for you? I think he is going to continue using you, and billing you for the time you allow yourself to be used. You say he loves you, but I really wish you could see this for what it is: an unethical con man who not only sleeps with his patients, but charges them for it. That isn't love.

 

If he loved you, he would find you a decent therapist, work on leaving his wife, and incorporate you into his life legitimately. As it is, all he is doing is using you for sex and money behind his wife's back. I'm not sure why you don't insist on something better, but maybe deep down you don't feel you deserve it. It would go a long way in explaining why you get yourself into relationships with absolutely horrible men - and in this case, you even get to write checks every week to pay for it.

 

Honestly, Fun. You are BOUND to know better on some level.

 

 

I absolutely agree with this post 100%.

 

Fun, you say that this guy says this

He told me that he didn't know how I was feeling and that he can't read my mind, and how so many couples don't communicate and all that stuff

 

He is your therapist first- of anybody on the planet he SHOULD know how you are feeling. No, he isn't a mind reader, but he is a therapist, and if he was any good he would be able to "read your mind" to a point.

 

You should have a good, communicative R with your therapist, thats what you PAY them for.

 

He isn't your BF- as LB says, if he wanted to be, he would stop being your therapist, as being your BF and your therapist at the same time is unethical and unprofessional.

[Fun2BMe]

 

He is your therapist first- of anybody on the planet he SHOULD know how you are feeling. No, he isn't a mind reader, but he is a therapist, and if he was any good he would be able to "read your mind" to a point.

The very last thing he told me before I left was that only schizophrenics think that others can read their minds. I did say before he made that comment that I thought people to a degree can read each other's minds. So one of the things I was going to ask him tomorrow was if he was implying he thinks I'm a schizo?

 

You should have a good, communicative R with your therapist, thats what you PAY them for.

I communicate more with him than I have with anyone else. He knows when something's on my mind (but not what it is) and will practicallly force me to say it whereas in other relationships I keep it to myself thinking the other surely must know what I am thinking yet they are still acting like this or that and all these other mind games. So at the least he is teaching me to communicate what I have on my mind and say what it is, and he does the same to me.

 

He isn't your BF- as LB says, if he wanted to be, he would stop being your therapist, as being your BF and your therapist at the same time is unethical and unprofessional.

This is the part that needs to be worked out. Like many of you say, he has a practice, a wife, a reputation, a house and a life and much more. He can't just start taking me out in public. He did say a few months ago that his feelings for me might cloud the opinions he gives me, but being in love I told him that wasn't the case, and I still wanted to continue with our sessions. I just don't know how things are going to unfold.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun, he already ditched his first wife for his OW/patient and got away with it. I'm not sure why you think he would do the same with you. He got away with it once. When it becomes apparent that sleeping with his patients and cheating on his wives is a pattern for him, he will lose his practice. Do you think he would give that up for you?

 

First of alll I had emailed to you about his wife in confidentiality and now you turned around and you keep posting about it in my face. But as I had responded to it before in earlier posts, he did not cheat on his current wife. He divorced before they started a physical relationship. I like to believe that he is telling me the truth, so he does n't have a pattern of 'sleeping with his patients and cheating on his wives' as you say.

 

I am the first patient he has 'cheated' with. I have asked him several times and he tells me so and I have no reason to doubt what he says. He is not the type to lie. And yes, if he continues to love me the way he does, he will give up some people for me, but as I've said recently, we are not at that place yet but things might become more clear tomorrow as to where things stand exactly.

 

 

 

I think he is going to continue using you, and billing you for the time you allow yourself to be used. You say he loves you, but I really wish you could see this for what it is: an unethical con man who not only sleeps with his patients, but charges them for it. That isn't love.

He's been seeing me recently outside of the times he bills me for, so a) I don't know if that might be legal and if so then there's nothing wrong especially since I am not going to complain anyways b) you keep telling me to not believe anything he tells me! First you want me to not believe he cheated on his last wife. Then you want me to believe I'm not the only patient he is phyisical with when he says I am. Now you want me to believe he doesn't love me when he tells me he does. I can feel that he loves me and on top of it he tells me.

 

If he loved you, he would find you a decent therapist, work on leaving his wife, and incorporate you into his life legitimately. As it is, all he is doing is using you for sex and money behind his wife's back. I'm not sure why you don't insist on something better, but maybe deep down you don't feel you deserve it. It would go a long way in explaining why you get yourself into relationships with absolutely horrible men - and in this case, you even get to write checks every week to pay for it.

Well, things can't be rushed so fast. Our relationship is very young and only recently have I brought up about his wife bothering me, about which we are going to have a discussion tomorrow about us, his wife and so on. Then I can see what we plan to do about it. But if he is giving me therapy (in addition to the physical part which as I said we've been doing outside billed hours as of last week) then I don't think it would be fair for me not to pay him like some freeloader who would sleep someone in return for free therapy. I pay him for the therapy and have the physical contact because we love each other. I hope that clears some things up for you.

[whichwayisup]

FUN, let's put it this way. Is he willing to date you outside of the office? Take you to dinner, wind and dine you? To go see movies? Do stuff with you and not in your office?

 

If no, then what is going on is just so so so wrong...If yes, then atleast you'll know he actually 'feel's for you and isn't just getting what he can during the sessions.

[Fun2BMe]

FUN, let's put it this way. Is he willing to date you outside of the office? Take you to dinner, wind and dine you? To go see movies? Do stuff with you and not in your office?

 

If no, then what is going on is just so so so wrong...If yes, then atleast you'll know he actually 'feel's for you and isn't just getting what he can during the sessions.

 

How can a married man with a reputation in the community, take me out? He obviously can't. At least not yet as I've stated. I mean that would be self destructive to both of us, but we are now going to talk about it and see what he proposes we do. Once things aren't so new with us, then I can demand more but right now is the hard part to bear out this difficult secrecy stage before the time comes when we can out things.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I pay him for the therapy and have the physical contact because we love each other. I hope that clears some things up for you.

 

Its clear to me that you are paying him for the privilege of sleeping with him behind his wife's back. What is equally clear is that you are somehow confusing what he is doing to you as love.

 

Let me reiterate:

 

If he loved you, he would end this unethical, psychologically damaging "relationship" he has with you. He would refer you to a therapist who would really help you with your problems. He would see you under circumstances which don't require you to write a check for services rendered, and he would take the necessary steps to end his marriage so that he could be with you.

 

Instead, he is continuing to sleep with you during sessions, continuing to bill you for it, and making absolutely no effort whatsoever to change his marital status.

 

When you aren't his patient, and you are openly seeing him, and he is divorced - then, and only then would I be inclined to think that he was/is not using you. I can tell you this: as long as he is taking your money, he is using you. Period.

[whichwayisup]

How can a married man with a reputation in the community, take me out? He obviously can't. At least not yet as I've stated. I mean that would be self destructive to both of us, but we are now going to talk about it and see what he proposes we do. Once things aren't so new with us, then I can demand more but right now is the hard part to bear out this difficult secrecy stage before the time comes when we can out things.

Then sadly, Fun - That should tell you what is going on is wrong...

 

It's self destructive what's going on now.

 

I am sorry and I don't mean to sound harsh with you at all. You know I've always spoken my mind with you..I just hope that you shield your heart more and see things with some objectivity...You've gone down this road with him before and came out the other side FULL of knowledge, full of strength and wisdom...I guess I don't understand why you went backwards, that's all.

[Art_Critic]

I think he charges her so he can always say that the "issue" was her.. that he has had nothing more than a professional relationship with her..

 

He also can show his wife that he collected fees for his services so therefore how could he be cheating..

 

He has been and continues to cover his ass so when the shiot hits the fan that Fun takes all the blame and looks nuts...

 

The guy is the worst kind of scum that exists in the mental health community..

He is a true predator and I hope that Fun will see thru this one day and seek help from someone who has her interests at heart instead of their own.

[Lishy]

Its clear to me that you are paying him for the privilege of sleeping with him behind his wife's back. What is equally clear is that you are somehow confusing what he is doing to you as love.

 

Let me reiterate:

 

If he loved you, he would end this unethical, psychologically damaging "relationship" he has with you. He would refer you to a therapist who would really help you with your problems. He would see you under circumstances which don't require you to write a check for services rendered, and he would take the necessary steps to end his marriage so that he could be with you.

 

Instead, he is continuing to sleep with you during sessions, continuing to bill you for it, and making absolutely no effort whatsoever to change his marital status.

 

When you aren't his patient, and you are openly seeing him, and he is divorced - then, and only then would I be inclined to think that he was/is not using you. I can tell you this: as long as he is taking your money, he is using you. Period.

 

 

........Word!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think he charges her so he can always say that the "issue" was her.. that he has had nothing more than a professional relationship with her..

 

He also can show his wife that he collected fees for his services so therefore how could he be cheating..

 

He has been and continues to cover his ass so when the shiot hits the fan that Fun takes all the blame and looks nuts...

 

The guy is the worst kind of scum that exists in the mental health community..

He is a true predator and I hope that Fun will see thru this one day and seek help from someone who has her interests at heart instead of their own.

 

I agree. I expect he is taking his notes in such a way that makes it all look one sided as well, so that if he does get busted he can say that she suffers from erotomania. The sad thing is that people will believe him, and Fun will be left alone and far worse off than she was before.

 

Few things make me react as strongly as this does. I'd be equally upset if the guy was SINGLE and charging her while having sex with her during sessions. Him being married, and having done this before to someone just makes it that much worse.

[whichwayisup]

How illegal is it if FUN brought in a tape recorder, hid it in her purse and recorded their WHOLE session? That way if he ever tried to make it seem like it was ALL her and not him, then atleast she'll have proof that he was in the wrong and crossing professional lines...

[Trimmer]

How illegal is it if FUN brought in a tape recorder, hid it in her purse and recorded their WHOLE session? That way if he ever tried to make it seem like it was ALL her and not him, then atleast she'll have proof that he was in the wrong and crossing professional lines...

There was a thread a while back close to this subject. My advice from that thread:

 

Google "Can we tape" in quotes; look at the website that comes up as the first result. For the most part it's state law that guides you here. In general, you'll find that some states require the consent of all parties involved in a conversation; other states require the consent of at least one party involved in a conversation. Many of these laws focus on recording telephone conversations, but often include other scenarios, like face-to-face conversations and hidden camera recordings, often with the condition that the law applies if the parties have a "reasonable expectation" of privacy.

 

...but there was a good discussion in that thread. Check it out if interested.

[Spinderella]

Now you want me to believe he doesn't love me when he tells me he does. I can feel that he loves me and on top of it he tells me.

This is not how you were feeling yesterday when you stated you felt used, and degraded, and like a piece of meat.

[whichwayisup]

There was a thread a while back close to this subject. My advice from that thread:

 

Google "Can we tape" in quotes; look at the website that comes up as the first result. For the most part it's state law that guides you here. In general, you'll find that some states require the consent of all parties involved in a conversation; other states require the consent of at least one party involved in a conversation. Many of these laws focus on recording telephone conversations, but often include other scenarios, like face-to-face conversations and hidden camera recordings, often with the condition that the law applies if the parties have a "reasonable expectation" of privacy.

 

...but there was a good discussion in that thread. Check it out if interested.

I'll check that thread out.

 

I guess if anything, her recording this could protect her against his wife if he tried to make it seem like she was the one who did wrong and not him.

 

OR, maybe telling him she's recording will stop him from doing inappropriate things during her paid session of 'talk' therapy!

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't think Fun wants to record, but it's still good info in the event she decides to. I haven't checked the threads, but that whole "reasonable expectation" of privacy surely rings true in therapy, especially if one is the patient.

 

Fun, I don't understand this situation, but I want the best for you.