Is it a bad idea to rekindle an old relatioship?

[job]

When I first met my now ex-girlfriend a year ago I was not at all interested in pursuing anything other than a friendship with her. We did go out on a couple of dates and fooled around some, but I was just not there. I had just had my heart trampled on by another girl and was still really sad. I just wanted to have fun and not be lonely.

 

It was obvious the new girl had deeper feelings from the start and I should have not continued with the friendship because I knew I would probably end up hurting her in the long run, but I needed a friend too. I was totally honest with how I felt.

 

We remained friends and the more time that past the more she tried to make it something more. She gave me the "friends with benefits" speech, I guess thinking that if I would go for that she could somehow get me to change my mind. This went on for a while and I finally gave in. BIG MISTAKE!! I know that, but I did not want to lose her all together and I was not sure if the fact that I did not want to have a full blown romance was because I just was not attracted to her or I was just not in the right space to even think about it.

 

We would fool around a lot, but it was always behind closed doors of coarse. I would insist to our friends who would ask frequently what was up.....that we were just friends. This really hurt her, but she had come up with the whole arrangement and I was still being honest with how I felt at the time. This was probably a bad move on my part.

 

Anywho, she kept after me about having a real relationship and a couple of times I caved and quickly took it back after I came to my senses......another bad move on my part. I was just so confused!!

 

Eventually we started dated full on, but I was a lousy mate. I would not go anywhere with her. I was always depressed and not qutie sure what I was doing. So, she ended it. All of a sudden my good friend was no longer there like she once was. We had gone from spending every single day together to talking ocassionaly. I feel most of this was my fault.

 

Since then, I have develped strong feelings for her and now I want her back. I feel she should give me a chance now that I have chosen to take the step to have a relationship. She won't do it!!! Yet, she says she loves me and wants to talk to me everyday. She doesn't want me to do anything with her though. Once again she wants the "friends with benefits" thing and she can really do it now. I on the other hand want more.

 

My question to you, after all that, is it better to shut off all contact for a while until both of us are in a different place and have healed? She insist that when you care for someone you work it out somehow and she does not agree with the no contact rule, but it hurts me to see her having fun and hanging out and not including me when I used to be her best friend and more.

 

How do I handle this????????????

[yes]

this is such brilliant proof for "what goes around, comes around". you weren't good to her at all before, and now you're getting it all right back into your face.

 

now for getting her to want an r/s with you... all you can do is take her out once in a while (maybe twice a month or so), without mention of the r/s. See how it goes. If you keep insisting on an r/s, it'll only scare her away. At the same time, don't go for FWB! Just be her friend, for now. You'll have to be patient here!! She'll want full revenge first!

 

that's my view,

-yes

[midori]

It sounds to me like she might be testing you. I think in her shoes I would do the same. You didn't have your act together before; you were operating in an emotional fog, without understanding where your heart was really at.

 

Do you really know now? Or is this simply the result of having lost her affection and attention? If I were her I'd be wondering just how deep and real your feelings are. If you're for real you'll be upfront with her, persistent without being obnoxious, and you will not be sending any mixed messages at all. There will be no doubt as to where you stand, and that stance won't change or falter as time goes by and she starts to relax with you.

 

In her shoes my biggest fear would be that if I relaxed and started to believe in the repentant guy's love, he would start to pull away again. Your past ambivalence is coming back to haunt you.

 

Gotta take responsibility for your feelings. If you're attracted to someone and you want to be with them, pursue them openly and without hesitation. If you're not sure you want to be with them, don't waste their time; even if they want to be with you it's not fair to be there only half-heartedly. People get hurt that way, as you've seen. Now you'll have to try to undo that hurt.

[job]

Yes indeed, karma has bitten me in the boat!!!!

 

I am surprised you guys are going so easy on me.

 

I truly DO KNOW the error of my ways.

[Kat]

Just remember you broke up for a reason!

[job]

Here's another question........Should I be concerned that I was not attracted to her for a long time? I mean, shouldn't you immediately have some connection, butterflies or whatever??

 

I'm still really confused. Was the timing just bad? If I had met her when I was more open to having a relationsip, would it have been a different story?

 

Well, whatever the case, I've messed everything up and I may just have to accept the fact that there will be no second chance for us.

 

JoB

[aussiegirl]

if the butterfly feeling isn't there then it just isn't going to work.

you could try to make it work... you know how to be a good boyfriend to this girl and she knows how to respond in the right ways... so it might appear that it was ok but if the flutter's not there were is it really heading?

 

don't settle.

 

there will be someone out there!

[job]

Has anyone had to deal with the kind of thing before??

 

Okay, if you read my first post "Is it a bad idea to rekindle an old relationship?" (Topic totally not fitting) then you know my situation. I basically treated my girlfriend like poop and she left me, but now I REALLY WANT her back.

 

She maintains her stance of not wanted to get back into the same crap all over again and that she is afraid of getting hurt, which is completely understandable, however, she still says she loves me and that it would kill her if I started dating someone else and that she is not looking for anyone. She still wants to talk to me a lot and even see me. I can't see her right now though. I made that mistake a couple of months after we broke up (now 6 months) and we ended up fooling around and now I feel worse.

 

It feels like she's getting me back, even though I don't think she would do that. The roles have totally reversed and I feel like crap!!!

 

WHAT DO I DO?????? Sometimes I think it would be better to just stop ALL contact and get over it, but she has made it clear to me that she wants me to remain in her life. On the one hand, I feel like I sort of owe her this and I'm hoping we will work things out one day, but on the other hand it makes me sad constantly and I'm afraid I may just freak out if she starts dating again.

 

HELP!

 

JoB

[job]

let me add that she gets upset if I don't e-mail her back or call, and she cries when I tell her I can't do this anymore. It makes her really sad and she hates it. She also flirts with me constantly, sends e-cards...........AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I don't know what to do. Any thoughts on this would be great.

 

JoB

[Tony T]

You think you're confused??? This girl loves you but she loves HERSELF a bit more...which is rational and sane. You treated her like POOP (your words) and you expect her to want to just dart back into your life. That's not going to happen.

 

She does love you and she wants contact with you because of that love. But she doesn't want the shxt that went with her relationship with you. So it's up to you to either stick around her for whatever period of time it takes for her to feel you've changed...which could take years...or move on.

 

It's my experience she'll keep you on a string until she gets totally over you and meets a nice guy and then cut you loose completely. It's really hard for somebody to forget being treated like POOP!!!

 

I hope you have learned that actions have consequences. If I were you, I'd be mad as hell at my parents for not teaching me to treat people I love with honor, respect, kindness and consideration. You ought to go take that up with them.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by job

I basically treated my girlfriend like poop and she left me, . . . . . On the one hand, I feel like I sort of owe her this

 

If she left you - you don't owe her anything. Just end it and move on. It sounds like you are both holding on, not because you love each other, but because you are afraid of the future and the unknown and have a certain comfort zone with each other. That is NOT a good foundation for a relationship.

 

That's my opinion on this situation anyway.

 

Of course, you could have a hart-to-hart talk with her and ask her all these questions, and express your feelings on the matter and tell her you need to understand. That seems like its only prolonging the end.

[job]

Okay...if you have read my previous post we have established that I totally ruined my relationship and hurt someone very special. I've gotten some pretty harsh feedback, which I deserve, but it doesn't mean that this is any easier for me to deal with. In fact it may be worse, because I KNOW I screwed things up and I feel horrible.

 

We were going to try and be friends or something, but I called her last night and told her I couldn't handle it right now and that I didn't know when I would be able to. IT HURTS!!! She was really upset about it, but she said she understands on an intellectual level. The emotional level is another story. I miss her so much.

 

How do I get through this without going completely bonkers???? To make matters worse, I am a club DJ and pretty much all of my music reminds me of her. She was really into it and even went to a few gigs with me. So, I can't even spin without constantly being reminded that I ****** up and lost her. Just about every cd that I've made was for her. I mean, damn I'm at club trying to all cool and I'm sobbing.

 

Can anyone please give me some advice???? I know I'm the one who messed things up and now I have to live with it, but is there any way to make it a little easier??

 

JoB

[Tony T]

Everytime you spin a CD, think of the lessons you have learned and that it's time to take those lessons and move on. Anticipate with joy using what you have learned to make your next relationship a better one.

 

Remember, if it was supposed to be it would have been. You were obviously meant to be with someone else. Don't listen to any music with the next gal you date and you won't have this problem if you break up with her. Play music only for women you're married to five years or more.

[steffany]

Time. Time and good friends. Time, good friends, and music...with them.

 

Start new memories to old music. You'll be suprised in a few months when you play one of the songs that remind you most of her now and what you remember is shooting pool and drinkin a few beers with friends. Or a funny as* joke someone told or watching your friend fall on his face trying to do a new dance move.