Great Marriage Great Job

[livelovelaughlove]

I'm not sure where to start with this. I'm new to this whole "community feedback" thing but am so confused I had to do something.

 

I have a great husband -- let's call him Joe. He's terrific. While I understand that no one is perfect, he is perfect for me.

 

I have a wonderful job. After years of searching for a place that I felt like I truly belong, I finally found a small office (there are only 3 of us) that really lets me be me. My boss (we'll call him Ross) and I work very closely together and have what you might call an "office marriage". I pretty much do everything for him that his wife doesn't (i.e. balance his personal checkbook, buy his clothes, buy his grooming products, etc.). His family that stops by frequently has tried to insinuate that we should've met earlier because I take such good care of him. The other girls in the office openly refer to me as the "wife" and we all laugh about it.

 

Ross has two children and so do I. Again, I am madly in love with my husband... But. I also love my boss. He is a fantastic man. We are able to talk about so many things. He is so much like Joe. They get along fantastically and Joe knows and is okay with everything that I do for Ross. He understands my personality. Ross' wife knows and is okay with all that I do for him. I think she sees it as a burden lifted.

 

Anyway... Here's the dilemma. I can feel that this may become phsyical. Neither of us have ever discussed it but after two years of the constant flirting and passing remarks, I just know that this is the next "step". I don't not want that, but I don't know that it is what I want.

 

We openly talk about our spouses and our home lives and we NEVER vent about problems at home with each other. So... I know that divorce for either of us is not a factor. We love our marriages -- both at home and at the office.

 

What do I do... Do I let it become what it may knowing that it could just be a "friends with benefits" situation or should I stop it all together.

 

All advice and insight is appreciated.

[Micke81]

Why don't you talk to Joe about it? He might have some good advice. I'm serious, and I'm not being a smartass. You don't want to lose your husband over this. Joe may even feel confident that you have no intention of leaving him and not have a problem with it becoming physical, although this is unlikely. Or he may flip out and ask you to find another job. But, the bottom line is, a FWB thing isn't a smart move. You already have feelings for this guy, and I do understand that you also love your H. The thing is, the more you hide from your H, the more you will feel detached from him, and more attached to the person with which you have the secret, Ross. It will get painful, if it's because your H finds out and leaves you, or he doesn't but your love for Ross grows and your love for Joe decreases, then you will be sad that you aren't with Ross and start resenting Joe for not being Ross. I'm not going to bash you for thinking about this, or even going through with it, I have. But, my advice is: Don't keep secrets from Joe...in the long run it isn't worth it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do a risk benefit analysis and see what you come up with. Do the risks of losing your jobs and facing exposure and familial disruptions when your BS's find out outweigh the benefits of casual sex?

[IamASelfishSOB]

I'm in a similar situation, except I'm not in love with her and I'm the boss and I slipped. Coming on this board is one of the smartest things I did. I've thought about this long and hard and came to my senses, but I'm not through the whole ordeal yet. Just think about your husband, first. Think how he would feel when he finds out. Don't think about trying to hide it. Think about what happens if he finds out. Think about all the possibilities. If you really do love your husband, you won't do it. If you don't, you probably will.

[Cobra_X30]

Are you considering this because you think you can get away with it?

[Bryanp]

Here you have a wonderful life and you are willing to betray your husband who you adore and risk destroying your marriage. How would you feel if Joe was thinking of having a friends with benefits companion behind your back? He probably does not contemplate it because he loves you so much and respect his marriage and you. It is sad that you can't say as much. Some people who have everything are just willing to self-destruct what they have.

 

If you have your affair and Joe finds out which he probably will, he will never look at you the same way again and will certainly never trust you and will question who is this person that he married. I am sorry but you are a fool.

[norajane]

They get along fantastically and Joe knows and is okay with everything that I do for Ross. He understands my personality. Ross' wife knows and is okay with all that I do for him.

 

Does your husband and his wife know that you're thinking about f*cking your boss?

 

My guess is they wouldn't be okay with everything you do for Ross if what you're doing is having sex with him. And you know that.

 

If you take that step, consider your marriage over and your job GONE. Because those are the next steps after starting an affair.

[analyseThis]

Im new here; but i have read quite a few things on this site; but I must say I kinda agree with norajane.

 

I say kinda cuz in your situation; since its sex w/ your boss he might keep it on the down low and you might be able to retain you job even if some one like your husband "joe" finds out. But that lil home that is so perfectly described in your initial paragraphs will be a distant memory.

 

I mean you say you "finally" found a place where you belong; which means you have been searching for this comfort zone for some time with no success. Now you want to throw it all away w/ a fwb relationship w/ your boss? Is your husband inadequate with providing sexual contentment for you or are you just letting your curiosity run wild?

 

Your not only hurting your husband but also "Ross's" wife. In my eyes your willing to destroy two families in order to have your cake and eat it.

[Tony T]

I just want to thank you for making a very important decision for me.

 

Here we have a woman who is very happily married, has a "great husband" she is "madly in love with" and a wonderful marriage. Yet, she is considering seeing her boss with whom she is in love and for whom she does a great deal of work such as balancing his checkbook and doing his personal shopping. The two of you talk openly about your marriages, have no complaints but want to proceed with something more serious.

 

So, here I am seeing two people who have no complaints about their spouses or their marriages wanting to cheat. No, I have absolutely no judgment about that and don't put you down. However, it sends shivers up my spine to know that I could get married to a wonderful woman, we could have a great marriage, I could give her the world and while I'm home watching football she could be out having wonderful sex and conversation with her boss.

 

Again, no judgment about what you are contemplating. It just makes me very nervous about relationships, about life, about people keeping commitments, about loyalty, etc. Maybe there's nothing a person can do to keep this from happening, no matter how kind, understanding, loving, generous, etc., they are.

 

If only I had been brought up as a child watching Jerry Springer I could understand the world a bit better. I grew up watching Howdy Doody and Captain Kangaroo and neither was married. Maybe I should have gotten my hint from that???

 

I am so grateful for your post and wish you great happiness in whatever you do and however your situation turns out. I also pray that your husband doesn't screw with your computer or stumble onto this thread....amen!

[norajane]

Im new here; but i have read quite a few things on this site; but I must say I kinda agree with norajane.

 

I say kinda cuz in your situation; since its sex w/ your boss he might keep it on the down low and you might be able to retain you job even if some one like your husband "joe" finds out. But that lil home that is so perfectly described in your initial paragraphs will be a distant memory.

 

If her husband finds out she's banging the boss, what makes you think he'll be ok with her staying in her job? If he wants to save the marriage, that is. If he doesn't, there is a possibility he might contact the boss's wife and he might TELL her about this cozy little affair...and the boss's wife isn't going to agree to livelovelaugh keeping that job...if the wife wants to try to save the marriage.

 

And if neither Joe nor the boss's wife want to save their marriages to the lying cheaters, well, maybe that's for the best and the boss and livelovelaugh can marry, and livelovelaugh can keep an eye out for the next assistant that starts balancing her new husband's checkbook.

[analyseThis]

If her husband finds out she's banging the boss, what makes you think he'll be ok with her staying in her job? If he wants to save the marriage, that is. If he doesn't, there is a possibility he might contact the boss's wife and he might TELL her about this cozy little affair...and the boss's wife isn't going to agree to livelovelaugh keeping that job...if the wife wants to try to save the marriage.

 

And if neither Joe nor the boss's wife want to save their marriages to the lying cheaters, well, maybe that's for the best and the boss and livelovelaugh can marry, and livelovelaugh can keep an eye out for the next assistant that starts balancing her new husband's checkbook.

 

Well my pov over all of this was; even if joe found out; he probably wont be like "quit your job"!!! / he'd probably just end up leaving her cuz he deserves better or if he knew any better. Once trust is destroyed on that level; its hard to regain it.

 

But as far as her loosing her job over banging her boss would be another question, cuz the boss would want a piece of ass around to tap after his wife leaves him; so i guess she will be kept around for the "perks".

 

This is all assuming that Ross's wife and joe found out.

 

If they dont and its a hush-hush FWB style relationship then guess what? she gets to keep her job; keep the good husband who doesnt deserve her; the happy life style; the great job and the FWB with the boss. win-win situation for her.

 

But we all know what goes around comes around in some form or the other. Maybe joe will end up cheating on her and it will balance out?

[livelovelaughlove]

Many thanks to everyone who posted in response to this. This was just the wake-up call I needed. Sometimes, as a woman, it is easy to let your emotions guide your actions and I really do think I've been mistaking my feelings of belonging. I have to keep this family friendly for both of us. I do not want to hurt my husband. I do not want to hurt Ross' family, but I do want to keep my job and the only way to do that is to make sure that we stay platonic. I would like to add that I do not feel like a horrible person for questioning all of this. I think if you are married and you have never thought about someone else, you are lying to yourself... no matter how great it is. Again, thanks to all who posted. Sometimes the truth can hurt so bad, but it's much better than having to later face the consequences.

[Cobra_X30]

I understand that you shouldnt quit your job over this, however what actual steps do you plan to take to prevent this kind of situation from developing in the future?

 

As you say, its not an uncommon thought... but provided the opportunity thought often becomes action! The more the thought involved the closer it becomes to reality.

 

So, how do you plan to handle this? You may also want to consider that this may have progressed to an emotional affair.

[livelovelaughlove]

I don't know that it really has become an emotional affair. I'm not sure though, as I can't say I've ever had one or read the definition. I still talk to my husband. I don't feel withdrawn from him. We still have a fabulous sex life. We still connect on many levels. After reading these posts and re-evaluating my feelings for the boss, I plan to handle this by just faking it until I make it -- and I think it will be a lot easier. This message board really helped bring me back to reality. And in the real world, we are all accountable for our actions, losing my children and my husband aren't worth it. That alone has made my boss go from looking like Brad Pitt to Gilbert Gottfried.

[Cobra_X30]

LOL... Fake it till you make it! That is exactly how I handle situations like this. Always keep in the back of your mind situations that may become... problematic. A good example is any time you may spend alone with him. Things that you talk about... ect.

 

I'm not sure there is a fast and hard definition of an emotional affair. I think if your having thoughts and feelings that you are not comfortable sharing with your husband, that's an issue... Im not sure if that's an affair.

 

I'd take a moment and look it up. Maybe read through a few of the posts from ladies who have gone through that. Mustang Sally, Ookla 2, Emotionally Yours... ect. You may find some valuable insight!

 

Best Wishes!