he loves me but isnt IN love with me

[niko1999]

So I have been with this guy for almost nine months now. We lived together for a month or so when I was out of school. Before taht, the relationship was still great and new. But ever since then, the newness has worn away. We just came back from a trip to Florida for a weekend, and everything was great down there, I thought it would help our relationship wonderfully. Anyway, we were talking a couple of nights ago and our conversation became quite serious, and he ended up telling me taht he loves me, but he isnt in love with me, when just a few months ago, it seemed like he was going to marry me. Then the next day, when he got home from work, he woke me up from my nap, sat down on the bed, and leaned down and gave me a hug and kiss right away. throughout the night, he gave me a lot of hugs and kisses, something he hasnt done in a long time. when we went to bed last night, he didnt just cuddle with me, but was holding on to me almost all night. But how can someone say they love you for so long and thne say they are not in love with you? and then tell you the next day, when they call from work, that they love you? im confused. any insight onto this would be SO helpful!

[midori]

I hate to say it but it sounds like this guy is getting ready to leave. He might not be fully conscious of it himself. When someone is working up the courage to make a decision that they know will be difficult, they often send mixed signals.

 

He said he's not in love with you. That's a very strong message, and a harsh thing to hear. Now sometimes people make mistakes, they say things that they later realize aren't true. But when they're sure they're not true, they speak up and correct themselves. They apologize and try to make amends directly.

 

He's not doing that. He's holding onto you tightly because, I'll bet, he's getting ready to let go of you. He's not thrilled about it, obviously. But that doesn't mean he's not going to do it. Unless he takes back the "I'm not in love with you" statement and is able to explain himself in a meaningful way that makes sense, my guess is that it'll just be a matter of time before he breaks up with you. Or gets you to break up with him.

 

The thing is, especially with passive-aggressive people, you have to be the one to take the lead, based on their cues. He gave you a big one: he's not in love with you. How do you feel about that? I wouldn't want to be with someone who said that to me nine months into an affectionate and intimate relationship. That would be a deal-breaker for me (I've actually been in this situation). So, I'd break up with the guy if I were you, because the relationship is already doomed. He might protest, but breaking up would actually be in line with his unconscious agenda: to wrangle out of the relationship, but make you do the work of ending it. Call it a lack of courage.

 

By staying in the relationship after he told you that he's not in love with you, you're implicitly saying that it's OK not to be in love with you, that you can accept that. I'll bet that's not what you had in mind, right? But that's the message he's going to receive. This is about absolving himself of responsibility for the relationship's demise. It's not HIS fault he's "not in love" with you, now is it? That's just the way love goes. And it's not HIS fault that you opted to stay in the relationship after he was "honest" enough to tell you that he's not in love with you (but not honest enough to end the relationship himself).

 

Do you see where this is headed? The longer you let it go on, the more bitterness you'll have to swallow. He will get you to the point where you'll have no choice but to terminate things with him, and by then you might be so upset and angry that you'll be harsh with him. The two of you won't even be on speaking terms (which is actually easier for someone trying to get out of a relationship), but it will be YOUR fault, not his.

 

I'm sorry to be pessimistic but based on arduous experience that's how I'm reading your situation. Good luck.

[Carly]

I'm a woman in my forties, married over twenty years, so you could say I've been around the block.

 

Honey, I feel for your boyfriend. Twenty-five years ago I met a guy in university who I thought was a good guy, stable, nice enough, and potentially a good provider. I actually did love him, and he is the one I married.

 

The problem is, I never really was IN LOVE with him. There was no flicker; no chemistry, no sparks. We had little in common, and never really enjoyed each other's company.

 

Well, three kids later and into a mid-life crisis over the whole thing, I ask myself: Why didn't I have the courage to walk away from someone who didn't fulfill me?

 

I guess because it's scary, and I felt bad even thinking about leaving a good guy who I liked. But gee, I clearly realize now that sticking with someone for these reasons is not good enough.

 

Your boyfriend is scared about his feelings, and feeling terrible for not "being in love with you." He is trying to force better feelings with all this physical romance. But if he has to work that hard on it, the results will only be temporary and backfire.

 

Do your boyfriend and yourself a favour, and let him go. Do it with class and tenderness. This act of love will be a gift for life -- for both of you.

[niko1999]

Thanks guys. Can't say things have done a complete three sixty since then, but they have improved vastly. we "hung out" yesterday, and had a pretty good time with one another. We are going to spend Easter together as well. I had made mention about finding somewhere to live this summer when school gets out, and perhaps staying with my aunt and uncle, and he told me not to rule him out, cuase things aren't that bad between us(his exact words). Its not that we dont enjoy eachothers company and sparks dont fly, they are there, I think we are both just stressed out right now betwen both of us being in school and working two jobs, and money being so tight for me. I talked to my mom, and apparently something very similar happened to her and my father when she was pregnant with me, and, 22 yrs later, theyre still together. So, when I really sit down to think about it, we both jumped into this relationship really fast, and even he admitted to being scared. Him being the kind of person he is, if he didn't want me around, then he would have gotten rid of me(I asked him flat out). I have thought long and hard about the advice that not only my parents and freind have given me, but the advice you guys gave me as well.And I have thought about what I want, and though a small part of me tells me to get rid of him, and actually thinks differently about him, the bigger, more rational part of me tells me that it will be ok. Just to give it time. And just enjoy being with him. Besides, it doesn't mean it wont grow into more. Thanks guys