past cheaters

[Mz. Pixie]

I know cheaters...and you can't trust a one of them. And yes..once a cheater...always a cheater.

 

This is a generalization and simply not true.

 

Are there people who are serial cheaters? Absolutely. But there are certainly many people out there who may cheat once and never again.

[Mz. Pixie]

No, I'll never be played a fool again...meaning if someone cheats, then no 2nd chances...they are gone. I'm not going to listen to that, "it won't happen again" bull.

 

This is a good idea. I personally never would have expected nor asked my ex to take me back or continue in a relationship with me after what I did. But that's just me.

[bish]

This is a good idea. I personally never would have expected nor asked my ex to take me back or continue in a relationship with me after what I did. But that's just me.

 

Well I'll also ad that if I find myself getting close to someone that has a history of cheating, I'd be leary. As someone else said, if they owned up to it being their problem, I might be inclined to give it a chance....but if they tried to explain it away and make excuses for it...I'd start distancing myself from them and move on.

 

Even if they try to explain it away, but still said it was no excuse...I'd feel like I would have to walk on eggshells in the relationship, or bust my ass above and beyond any expectations she had JUST to keep cheating at bay.

 

I believe in treating someone dear to me special and giving her all the attention she deserves...but I am not going to be a prisoner to emotional extortion.

[Mz. Pixie]

Even if they try to explain it away, but still said it was no excuse...I'd feel like I would have to walk on eggshells in the relationship, or bust my ass above and beyond any expectations she had JUST to keep cheating at bay.

 

I can understand that completely. However, every marriage is different and actually only the two people involved and their higher power have any idea truly what goes on in a marriage. Every person in the world has made a mistake and has things in their past they don't want anyone to know. Adultery is actually more prevalent than we think it is because people do not admit to it or talk about it. There are people who post on this board who do not post about their adultery because they do not want to get slammed. Yet they have PM'd me in the past to tell me their story.

 

I believe in treating someone dear to me special and giving her all the attention she deserves...but I am not going to be a prisoner to emotional extortion.

 

Nor should you. As you know my husband was cheated on by his ex wife. So he is a betrayed spouse and I was once a wayward one. This is not an issue for him because he knows that he will never treat me like my ex did. He knows that what I wanted from my marriage was not unreasonable or raising my expectations too high or nagging. He's also been there to see me suffer and grieve over what I did to my children. He's seen the remorse that I have for what I did. He knows the things that happened in my life leading up to the affair. He knows the work that I've done since then to really get down to the bottom of why I did what I did. That is why he can say that he knows I would never do that again.

[Cobra_X30]

Adultery is actually more prevalent than we think it is because people do not admit to it or talk about it. There are people who post on this board who do not post about their adultery because they do not want to get slammed. Yet they have PM'd me in the past to tell me their story.

 

This is not an issue for him because he knows that he will never treat me like my ex did. He knows that what I wanted from my marriage was not unreasonable or raising my expectations too high or nagging. He's also been there to see me suffer and grieve over what I did to my children. He's seen the remorse that I have for what I did. He knows the things that happened in my life leading up to the affair. He knows the work that I've done since then to really get down to the bottom of why I did what I did. That is why he can say that he knows I would never do that again.

 

Internal vs. External restraints. There is a very big difference between those two.

 

You seem to be driven by external restraints. Example, how you are treated, how you are percieved by others... ect. Is that how you want to be?

[Jilly10340]

I cheated on my fiance at the time when I was 19, never cheated again after that.....EVER. What made me change?

 

Afterwards, I thought about how my dad always cheated on my mom, and if there's one person I DON'T want to be, it's my dad. And if there's one person who really didn't deserve it, it's my mom.

 

It's completely disrespectful of someone's feelings, and I don't want to be someone responsible for causing someone that kind of pain. So I told him, and he still wanted to be with me, but I didn't so he could find someone who wouldn't do that to him. So he found her, and he married her...

 

And I'm happy for him

[Mz. Pixie]

Internal vs. External restraints. There is a very big difference between those two.

 

You seem to be driven by external restraints. Example, how you are treated, how you are percieved by others... ect. Is that how you want to be?

 

Of course it's not how I want to be in an ideal world. However the world is not ideal. Are you asking me if I had any internal restraints that should have kept me from committing adultery? Of course I did. I'd been hit on lots of times over the course of my marriage and never cheated. I taught Sunday School. I was the poster child for someone who would never cheat- as a matter of fact I looked down upon those that had or did.

 

As far as being driven by how someone treats me?? Well that's only human.

I believe that people can have unconditional love for their children but when it really comes down to it with your spouse everyone has something that they wouldn't tolerate. It may be drinking, doing drugs, adultery, domestic violence etc- almost everyone has their bottom line- whether they want to admit it or not.

 

When it got down to the bottom line and I came to the knowledge that my ex was never going to change or treat me any better than he did, I should have just immediately filed for divorce- rather than do what I did.

 

Especially after having his parents talk to him numerous times, buying books he wouldn't read, leaving articles that he would throw in the trash, meeting all his needs in the hope that he would meet mine, praying, begging for counseling with anyone. I tried all of that better yourself so that you can be a better partner- loving as Christ would in the hopes that he would begin to be the husband he was called to be. All of a period of 7-8 years.

 

He wasn't/isn't a terrible person. He just had different ideas of what a marriage should be about. I wanted a true partner- and he wanted a mother, a maid, a personal assistant, a cook, a full time babysitter so he could play- and he wanted me waiting for him when he finally decided to roll in from wherever he'd been and me be eager for sex. Not bashing him, some women may be cool with not having more of a marriage than that, but I am not.

 

Still I shouldn't have handled it the way I did. It's also the same for any man who is being rejected sexually by his wife. You can only reject your husband for sex so many times until he begins to build resentment in his heart for his wife- because she promised to be his sexual partner for life and he is suposed to be faithful. Yet she is not living up to her side of the bargain. I'm not talking about women who are ill and cannot physically have intercourse but those that are able bodied, and spend more time watching TV or talking on the phone than satisfying their husband's sexually. They are leaving their marriage vulnerable to an affair. '

 

People grow apart. They forget to treat their spouse as the most important person in the world. They forget to put their spouses needs ahead of theirs- resentment builds and that's when you're vulnerable. Can some hang on because of the committment they made?? Sure they can. Does everyone? No.

[Cobra_X30]

Pixie,

 

I understand what your saying. However, it is a good idea to invest some thought into were your restraints come from. For a long time I used to get myself into bad situations, mostly due to the fact that I'm a shameless flirt. So, I really understand this issue, and its at the crux of whether you can trust someone who was previously a cheater.

 

Cheaters typically operate on external restraints. They dont cheat because they are happy in thier relationship, they dont want poeple to look down on them, they dont want to hurt other people. Reason's that are external to themselves. Some may seem altruistic, but they are not. If you do something to assuage or prevent your own guilt that is still a selfish motive.

 

Internal restraint is much more rare. When placed in a situation where there an action has no measureable external consequences, and the person resists taking that action, this is internal restraint. I've found many of those who exhibit this value personal integrity.

 

So the point of what I am trying to say is that if you are relying solely on external restraints... then you are still weak to this type of behavior. You need to take steps to build that internal force... which is much harder than it sounds!

[Mz. Pixie]

Internal restraint is much more rare. When placed in a situation where there an action has no measureable external consequences, and the person resists taking that action, this is internal restraint. I've found many of those who exhibit this value personal integrity.

 

So the point of what I am trying to say is that if you are relying solely on external restraints... then you are still weak to this type of behavior. You need to take steps to build that internal force... which is much harder than it sounds!

 

I do see what you're saying. Through therapy I've come to understand that because my father didn't love or value me or really spend much time with me while growing up- that I have in the past looked to men for approval- when I should look internally for that. See what I'm saying? So, yes, I'm working on that.

 

I think also that I do have morals and integrity. I made a poor choice, yes, but it doesn't define who I am for the rest of my life.

[Cobra_X30]

Yes, I know exactly what your saying. In fact I can strongly relate. My mom always acted like my sister and I were in her way, preventing her from having that free-wheeling party life style she wanted. So, that kind of leaves a hole in you... a hole that you have to fill on your own.

 

You can develope integrity, honor, morals. Often we have to experience the bad parts of life before we do grow like this.

 

Your mistakes do not define you, however there must always a dead reckoning! Just as we both pay for the mistakes of our parents, so too will you force your children to bear the weight of yours. It is very good for them that you have grown and learned, this will remove much of that burden from them.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

good points, everybody. i had a feeling i wasn't the only one.

 

as for bish, i guess it feels good to insult myself and others because you were treated like a loser by someone else. knock yourself out, but usually even children know that's not what you're supposed to do. it seems you have some work to do yourself.

 

bish, you need help that i can't give, so say what you will. i feel too sorry for you to even bother with this debate any further.

 

i hope you move past your bitterness and learn from your own mistakes as well, as i have, and i hope you find someone who truly changes your outlook on life and other people. i really mean that.

 

anyway, this thread isn't about what anyone thinks about my past cheating, it is about people who have cheated, learned, and moved on. if you're not one of those people, kindly move on yourself.

 

thanks to those contributed relevant posts!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

...I should look internally for that. See what I'm saying? So, yes, I'm working on that.

 

I think also that I do have morals and integrity. I made a poor choice, yes, but it doesn't define who I am for the rest of my life.

 

amen. well put, mz. pixie.

[bish]

good points, everybody. i had a feeling i wasn't the only one.

 

as for bish, i guess it feels good to insult myself and others because you were treated like a loser by someone else. knock yourself out, but usually even children know that's not what you're supposed to do. it seems you have some work to do yourself.

 

Nope..my work is done. The concept of "once a cheater always a cheater" will serve me well.

 

bish, you need help that i can't give, so say what you will. i feel too sorry for you to even bother with this debate any further.

 

No need to feel sorry for me. My experiences have brought me to a state of mind that will not allow such things to happen to me again. Not saying I can keep a cheater from cheating, but I can choose not to be with one once its found out. No 2nd chances.

 

i hope you move past your bitterness and learn from your own mistakes as well

 

And what mistakes would those be? Picking the right woman is the only thing that comes to mind...hence, that is where the "once a cheater always a cheater" will come in to play. If I know someone has cheated in the past, then they more than likely aren't the one for me.

 

, as i have, and i hope you find someone who truly changes your outlook on life and other people. i really mean that.

 

I will...but the person that changes my outlook on life won't be a cheater.

[NYCmitch25]

I cheated on my fiance at the time when I was 19, never cheated again after that.....EVER. What made me change?

 

Afterwards, I thought about how my dad always cheated on my mom, and if there's one person I DON'T want to be, it's my dad. And if there's one person who really didn't deserve it, it's my mom.

 

It's completely disrespectful of someone's feelings, and I don't want to be someone responsible for causing someone that kind of pain. So I told him, and he still wanted to be with me, but I didn't so he could find someone who wouldn't do that to him. So he found her, and he married her...

 

And I'm happy for him

 

Translation, you were 19 (too young to be engaged), you didn't really want to be with him, you cheated and tried to make yourself feel better by elevating your guilt through telling him... "good for you", but what part of this was selfless ?

[beachlover]

Wow you all had a lot to say...

 

My question is to the people who did cheat, looking back why did you do it? I know there are many reasons why people cheat in general but I am curious to know the specifics.

 

Thanks

[Jilly10340]

In what part of that post did I say that what I did was selfless? The question was if I had ever cheated, and if so, what made me change.....I think I answered that.....

 

But good for you for assuming you know so much about me from the 7 sentences I posted

[LucreziaBorgia]

My question is to the people who did cheat, looking back why did you do it? I know there are many reasons why people cheat in general but I am curious to know the specifics.

 

1. Sexual and emotional boredom. The rush of 'new lust' can be addictive, and when it fades in a long term R, you find yourself missing it.

 

2. Opportunity. You meet someone, they flirt with you, you feel you won't get caught... you indulge.

 

3. Validation. To know that others find you objectively attractive and desirable. Something along the lines of what I wrote in another thread: "But honey, you don't count - you are married to me, of course you find me attractive and desirable. I just need to know that others find me attractive and desirable objectively."

 

4. Missing stuff in the R (real or perceived) - you feel that you are missing intimacy (either sexual or emotional), so you look for it in someone else.

 

5. Missing stuff inside yourself - you are a cakeperson who compartmentalizes and finds that when you are in a long term relationship, you cannot get all your needs met with just one person so you find others on the outside to fill the other compartments.

 

Note that I never once said "because I don't love my partner". It is almost never about that - it is almost always about the cheater, and filling the cheater's needs, not about cheating on someone because of something they did or because you don't love them. You can love someone and still be dissatisfied with aspects of the relationship or yourself and find yourself looking on the outside, with no intention of leaving the person you are with.

[Cobra_X30]

Note that I never once said "because I don't love my partner". It is almost never about that - it is almost always about the cheater, and filling the cheater's needs, not about cheating on someone because of something they did or because you don't love them. You can love someone and still be dissatisfied with aspects of the relationship or yourself and find yourself looking on the outside, with no intention of leaving the person you are with.

 

Usually I agree with you 100%, however I think slightly off on this. I dont think you can cheat and truely love yourself, and I dont think you can really love someone else if you cant love yourself. Additionally if you love someone you choose them every day, every moment. If you suddenly can't make that choice anymore its not love!

[Mz. Pixie]

Your mistakes do not define you, however there must always a dead reckoning! Just as we both pay for the mistakes of our parents, so too will you force your children to bear the weight of yours. It is very good for them that you have grown and learned, this will remove much of that burden from them.

 

I've already had a heck of alot of reckoning that I really won't go into here.

I think I've probably about had my share for what I did. I do, however worry about the price my children are having to pay for the choice I made-and that's mostly what gives me guilt issues now.

[NYCmitch25]

In what part of that post did I say that what I did was selfless? The question was if I had ever cheated, and if so, what made me change.....I think I answered that.....

 

But good for you for assuming you know so much about me from the 7 sentences I posted

 

 

 

Actually, it was late, I misread part of your post. Sorry <looks anxious and full of embarassment>

 

Despite the lacking brevity in your post, I think it's understandable what transpired. I apprecate that you've expressed your feelings but you can also expect various comments both for and against them. I think you are trying to turn it all into a silver-lining here, but you actually really accomplished a lot in not mimicing the the relationship you grew up with. Do you see yourself doing things in other ways which you parents have done wrong ? Just curious.

[Cobra_X30]

I've already had a heck of alot of reckoning that I really won't go into here.

I think I've probably about had my share for what I did. I do, however worry about the price my children are having to pay for the choice I made-and that's mostly what gives me guilt issues now.

 

I can tell you that had my parents been more like you I'm sure that I would have had a much easier time the last 10 years!

 

I think as long as you are honest with them your kids will be fine!

[Jilly10340]

Well my dad left when I was in the 4th grade, and I learned of his cheating years and years afterwards. My mom is now in a loving relationship with a man she's been with for over 16 years now. I see that relationship as something to aspire to in my own love life.

 

So to answer your question mitch, I don't think I've relived any other of my parents past mistakes.

[Woggle]

Jilly was 19 and young and immature so I would cut her some slack. She didn't handle it the right way but she doesn't seem like a serial cheater to me.