UPDATE: bf & ex - friends?

[Spoonandfork22]

oh god as if it couldnt get any worse.

 

my bf and i went out with friends tonight. his ex was at a party, she wanted us to come. she called me and said i should stop by and then began texting and calling my bf non-stop. he would tell me when she called and would answer the phone in front of me and was polite but told her we would not be attending. she kept texting him after he told her this. he left to 'go get a beer' and i followed him (he didnt know). i saw him on his phone (texting) and caught him red-handed texting to her 'sorry im drunk i will call you later'. i asked him what he was doing and he said 'she keeps texting me so i told her to stop' and i told him 'i saw what you wrote, that you would call her later' and he looked at me like a deer in headlights. he then proceeded to tell me that i was drama and he couldnt take it.

 

 

i dont know what to do guys. i feel like i have dealt with this situation the best i can. i have tried to be secure with them being friends, i have tried to befriend her, i have tried to be ok with them hanging out (while im there) but all signs point to her having feelings for him and HIM not doing a damn thing about it! i told him tonight "where is the line drawn? when do you tell her it isnt appropriate to be texting you at 4 in the morning?" and he just got frustrated and told me that i was annoying him. of course, turn the whole thing around on me. i almost texted her to ask her what she was doing. why call me and invite me out and then text my bf nonstop? why are you being nice to me when clearly you just want what i have? i didnt text her, i dont want to be that girl, i dont want to stoop to that level.

 

 

i left my bf's and came home. i dont know how to deal with this. CAN i deal wtih this? will there ever be a silver lining? am i blowing things out of proportion? i am just SO SICK of this situation but i cant see myself throwin away a nearly 2 year relationship.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In order for this to stop, consider three factors:

 

1. Your boyfriend has to want to stop.

 

2. The ex has to agree to stop, and she won't until your boyfriend tells her to (trust me on this one - if you are asking her to stop, and not your boyfriend then she will never stop) - and means it, and takes steps to block her from his life.

 

3. As long as you continue to let him get away with it, he will continue to do it. If this is a dealbreaker, you have to stick to your guns. Your boyfriend keeps contacting his ex, because he stands to lose nothing by doing so - you may get pissed off, but it blows over and no real damage is done (in his mind, anyway). If you make it clear that contact with her, means a breakup with you - then perhaps he can begin to form a strategy of weeding the ex out of his life permanently if he wants to be with you.

[squeak]

I agree with what LucreziaBorgia said. I don't like the way he seizes the reins by telling you "he is sick of the drama" when you saw with your own eyes that he was texting he would call her later. He knows it was wrong, but by hinting at that he would leave you, then he knows you will back down, be angry, and force yourself to get over it with that threat hanging in the air.

 

You may be looking at it like why should I leave just because she is being ultra aggressive? But it is to remove yourself from a demoralizing and heartbreaking situation that is only hurting you. That is, if he can't make this last break. For good.

 

Is this a dealbreaker for you Spoonandfork?

 

Also-Don't ever accept her invitations, ever.

 

LB- if Sppon does #3, isn't it possible it will just drive their communications underground? He will just be more stealthy at hiding it using the old "I knew you'd get upset" line?

 

Any methods to avoid that from happening and ensure contact is really broken?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. LB- if Sppon does #3, isn't it possible it will just drive their communications underground? He will just be more stealthy at hiding it using the old "I knew you'd get upset" line?

 

2. Any methods to avoid that from happening and ensure contact is really broken?

 

1. It depends entirely on how the boyfriend feels about it. If he is willing to give up the ex for his relationship, he will. He may not like it but he'll give it up. If he is not willing to give up the ex for his relationship, then he will indeed drive it underground.

 

2. Constant and vigilant surveillance, which in most cases is simply not possible. You just have to draw your line in the sand and have trust that he will do the right thing. Will he? Only he knows that.

 

Its a tricky situation, that's for sure.

[Spoonandfork22]

the downsides of living in a small town.

 

last night my bf went to his buddy's before he came to my place and of course the ex showed up (he was having people over) and he called me and let me know where he was and who was there, telling me she was there and said he would come over in a little. he did and we went out, only she kept calling him. and it got to the point where i just screamed 'are you going to answer it?" and he told me no, there was no reason to answer.

 

we end up getting in a blow out. b.c. i was frustrated that he was stil hanging out with her, although, like everyone said, he needed to make his own decisions on the matter, i didnt think that he would decide to continue hanging out with her. he said that i created a double standard b.c. although i would tell him it was ok, if he did it i would freak out, which is true. but i guess i just thought he would decide it wasnt a good idea, which he didnt.

 

he validates there hanging out b.c. we live in a small area and she is apparently the only person who knows if there are things going on. so he said she will invite US (i guess she always says to bring me) to places if things are going on, i.e. a party or get together. i told him that is fine but i dont want what happened 9 months ago to happen again that being they are all buddy-buddy and boundaries become overstepped. i told him that i need reassurance that their friendship is strictly networking and in no way will affect our relationship.

 

in the middle of our conversation he stopped me and told me he will do whatever it takes to elp our relationship b.c. that is the most important thing and having her in his life isnt worth it if it means we arent stable and happy. while i thought that was great, i knew he would resent me for that decision and thats not what i want. we came to an agreement that if she asks him to hang out or tells him of a party he will touch base with me and we will go from there. he will never jst go hang out with her without me knowing or without me there. i feel like were making headway but i cant help but feel like im opening the door to her again.

 

any thoughts?

[tinke]

WHY are you making so many accomodations for this friendship, and then question if it was the right decision?

quite honestly, if you felt secure and trusted your b.f.(no, i do not mean HER), this would not be an issue.

 

you have every right to feel confident with your S.O......so, when he made it open and stated he will do WHATEVER it takes to keep you two together.....why not explain your discomfort with their close friendship then?

 

why keep that door open for the next time. i get the feeling he knew you would give him that reply, maybe that's why he opened it up for discussion.

ok, a one chance meeting with her flirting, it's done! but now, she's calling and he is returning her calls???(out of your presence!!)

 

don't know, but i would feel sillier if they got together while i was playing hostess, rather then saying HELL NO! it's her or me.....

the calling behind your back is a red flag waving..it gives her the go-ahead to keep the contact. he is letting her know it is ok!

 

so...it is him you must first deal with. you seem to be putting a lot of focus on her...you both seem to be allowing her to continue gliding in!

 

just my thoughts..

[Spoonandfork22]

you are absolutely right. i always make decisions and then an hour later start feeing guilty or feel like im putting a 'leash' on him.

 

and you are right about calling her. hes accomidating her, and that makes me upset. i feel like im competing for attention. however, last night when he went to the party i told him i would NOT be attending, and i stuck to that. he went for maybe a half hour and came to my house. i was upset that he went at all, but a few of his guy friends were there.

 

 

he said he is sick of fighting about this...and that he though him and her hanging out was ok b..c her and i seem to get along. well of course im going to be cordial to her when i see her, but no i wont be her friend. ive tried that, and look what happened.

 

thanks guys...i need this. we were supposed to go to his parents house today and i told him i didnt want to go, i just dont want to be around him rihgt now, i just need to think - AGAIN - about all of this.

[tinke]

he thought it would be alright to remain friends because you two got along...................

well, what about the fact that it simply makes you uncomfortable and you do not trust her!!!! he left that out!

 

it is all too much...

 

no, you cannot keep him on a tight leash, but, you can be brave enough to be honest with him. it is coming to the point where you are fighting for his attention?

who cares if he knows you are upset..this has gone beyond the initial phase now.

it's you or her!

[Spoonandfork22]

i was honest with him and he said he woudnt hang out with her ever again b.c. its not worth hurting our relationship and it clearly wont work them being friends.....and thats what i want, but i want him to figure that out on his OWN. i feel like i shouldnt be the one having to tell him this, i feel like he should already know.

 

 

is it that hard for men to see where a line should be drawn? i know hes making a very poor decision, and i guess thats why im kinda miffed, because he thought that hanging out with her would be OK after all weve been through.