Just got left-Don't know why

[troutandme]

12 hours ago my girlfriend told me that I was "too negative" and that she is leaving me after living together the last year. This morning she packed a suitcase and left to go to her sisters place 4 hours away. I am absolutely torn up inside with grief, I feel like she died and she was my love and my best friend. I have basically been in a fetal position crying like a baby the last 8 hours and haven't slept a wink in almost 20, because everytime I close my eyes I can see her face.

We had some minor issues in the last month or so related to my stressful job. I work nights in an emergency call centre in an extremely stressful atmosphere, and sometimes I was bringing the job home with me. I had wanted to leave the job before we decided to move in, didn't tell her, and decided to stay awhile longer for financial reasons, because the job pays very well and I was carrying a heavy debt load from student loans. Needless to say this was a big mistake. I admit that I was stressed at times but I was open about it, and recently we had made a decision to leave the city and "start fresh" as soon as our lease is up in December. Things were going great and I was excited. In fact yesterday, we had a nice meal and some really good laughs and were talking about making plans for New Years and Christmas when she became morose and quiet.

Thats when the **** hit the fan.

She told me after dinner that recently she had been feeling "lonely", and I tried to be sympathetic by encouraging her to make friends or to join social groups, and promised that we would go away more often to her hometown to visit her family (both of our families live fairly far away). This did not seem to be good enough, then she said she had a feeling "inside her" that things were not going to work out with us. I was very hurt when she said this, but instead of getting angry and I calmly told her that I needed to go for a walk around the block. I did not want to start a fight, and she clammed up when I tried to talk to her about her feelings.

When I came back 20 minutes later, she was leaving the apartment and just ignored me as I came to her. My first thoughts were just to hug her and hold her tight but she brushed right past me without a word. 30 minutes later she came home and announced that she doesn't feel right and that she is leaving me because I am so negative and stressed out all the time and she cant take it anymore. Nothing more about her being lonely.

I was shocked beyond disbelief, especially because we had been working so hard on our minor issues and I had made an appointment to see a stress counsellor next week, as a sign that I did want things to be better and I did want to show her that I was trying to deal with the stress at work. I wanted to quit but I wanted to be a good provider at the same time, so I felt caught between a rock and a hard place.

Long story short now this morning she is gone. She packed a suitcase and left without a word, while I asked her twenty times to please reconsider and talk to me. She has been gone for 3 hours and I miss her already with all my heart. All I want to do is hold her.

She said she would email me to make arrangements to pick up her stuff in a phone message an hour ago and thats it.

I feel like an ice pick has been shoved and twisted into my heart. I feel empty. I am crying like a baby even as I write this. I need to take some time off work but I dont have a family doctor and I dont know what to tell the doctor at a clinic......I am a mess.

Anyways thanks to anyone who replies with advice about anything or insight that I might have missed. I cant sleep right now and my head is pounding like a jackhammer.

[Lyssa]

Oh man... I'm sorry to hear this. This is devastating. Just when you think things are going great, it turned out otherwise just because somebody decided they have had enough.

 

It's a good thing that you have decided to go see a stress-counsellor to help you deal with it. That shows you want to make things better like you have stated above.

 

Only you know your GF and her characteristics. Do you think if you gave her some space and time, she would come back to you?

[gman0hsev]

well im not fluent in woman but I think that when she said "I'm lonely" I think what she meant was that "I want you to spend more time with me." You didn't pick up on that subtle hint and this led her to wonder if you truly cared for her the same way she cared for you. Telling her to go out with friends and etc. probably meant to her that you do not feel the same way and that you do not miss the alone time you guys used to have(which im assuming you used to)

 

She probably also didn't like what the job was doing to you and even though you promised a fresh start you really didn't follow through did you? Im guessing that the job had long hours and had you feeling drained by the time you were finished......

 

Anyway, try calling her and apologizing for not spending more time with her. Also quit your job and try to find a less stressful one.

[alwayshurt]

Hi, I am sorry for what you're going through. Understanding someone's psycology is not an easy task and most of the time there is not a real explanation. She definetely thought about leaving you way before and finally she made her decision right when you were trying to work things out. There is nothing you could have done to keep her with you. I know it is hard but the only advice I can give you is to just let her go and leave her some space to think about what she really wants. Chasing, begging her would just make things worse. Truth is that she may miss you and come back on her on but right now you just need to move on and keep your mind busy and free of her. Good luck.

[Lyssa]

I had wanted to leave the job before we decided to move in, didn't tell her, and decided to stay awhile longer for financial reasons, because the job pays very well and I was carrying a heavy debt load from student loans.

 

I'm sure if you explained to her earlier on, she would have understood your situation - why you didn't want to quit just yet but sometimes we do the opposite thinking that it would make things better. Well, this is a mistake you have learned not to repeat - maybe next time, it would be a good idea to let everything out.

[Lyssa]

Anyway, try calling her and apologizing for not spending more time with her. Also quit your job and try to find a less stressful one.

 

OP did want to quit but had some reasons for not quitting..

 

I was shocked beyond disbelief, especially because we had been working so hard on our minor issues and I had made an appointment to see a stress counsellor next week, as a sign that I did want things to be better and I did want to show her that I was trying to deal with the stress at work. I wanted to quit but I wanted to be a good provider at the same time, so I felt caught between a rock and a hard place.

[Diplok]

Honestly, the best thing to do right now is to give her some space. I know it is not what you want to hear but it's what you must do, not only for her but also for you. At this moment you are your worse enemy. You need to get control of your emotions and that will come with time and patience. Work on any issues that you have and before you know it, this will be all over. Your ex might see this change in you and she may posibly want to get back with you but when that time comes you may possibly not want anything with her. It happens all the time.

[troutandme]

Oh man... I'm sorry to hear this. This is devastating. Just when you think things are going great, it turned out otherwise just because somebody decided they have had enough.

 

It's a good thing that you have decided to go see a stress-counsellor to help you deal with it. That shows you want to make things better like you have stated above.

 

Only you know your GF and her characteristics. Do you think if you gave her some space and time, she would come back to you?

 

Hi thanks for your reply. I think that it is over for good. She seemed very adamant about it. I am not counting on it and not even sure I would want to ride that roller coaster.

[troutandme]

well im not fluent in woman but I think that when she said "I'm lonely" I think what she meant was that "I want you to spend more time with me." You didn't pick up on that subtle hint and this led her to wonder if you truly cared for her the same way she cared for you. Telling her to go out with friends and etc. probably meant to her that you do not feel the same way and that you do not miss the alone time you guys used to have(which im assuming you used to)

 

She probably also didn't like what the job was doing to you and even though you promised a fresh start you really didn't follow through did you? Im guessing that the job had long hours and had you feeling drained by the time you were finished......

 

Anyway, try calling her and apologizing for not spending more time with her. Also quit your job and try to find a less stressful one.

 

Hi gman thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying. I should explain that I did try to ask if I should be more attentive. To be honest we spent ALOT of time together, because of my shift work I didn't really do anything other than stay at home alot of the time. But I feel I was very attentive to her and we went out probably more than the average couple. I was just, and still am, tired all the time, worn out from the stresses of a job that I don't really like. Yes probably my reaction wasn't the correct one but I still don't see it as a reason to actually break up and leave me.

Right now I can't call her, I am just too angry even to hear her voice, but I am definitely going to be leaving that job and making the fresh start at the end of November when the lease runs out.

[troutandme]

Hi, I am sorry for what you're going through. Understanding someone's psycology is not an easy task and most of the time there is not a real explanation. She definetely thought about leaving you way before and finally she made her decision right when you were trying to work things out. There is nothing you could have done to keep her with you. I know it is hard but the only advice I can give you is to just let her go and leave her some space to think about what she really wants. Chasing, begging her would just make things worse. Truth is that she may miss you and come back on her on but right now you just need to move on and keep your mind busy and free of her. Good luck.

 

Thanks alwayshurt. I think you are right, but the anger I feel right now and the betryal I feel I think if she did come back, which I doubt very much, that I probably would not want to see her. I know that sounds spiteful but the last 24 hours have been the most painful of my life, even more painful than losing a friend to a car accident as a teenager or my grandparents dying. I don't want to think about her "coming back" because the possibility is so remote and I have no idea what I would do if she did right at this moment.

Thanks for your reply and advice.

[troutandme]

I'm sure if you explained to her earlier on, she would have understood your situation - why you didn't want to quit just yet but sometimes we do the opposite thinking that it would make things better. Well, this is a mistake you have learned not to repeat - maybe next time, it would be a good idea to let everything out.

 

Absolutely. I still do not feel that "we" had so many problems. Most of our problems were outside influences we had only indirect control over. I pondered this mightily-quit the job and have possible financial instability or stay and gut it out for a few more months until we could leave. Life is all about choices and in this instance I guess it was the wrong one.

[troutandme]

Honestly, the best thing to do right now is to give her some space. I know it is not what you want to hear but it's what you must do, not only for her but also for you. At this moment you are your worse enemy. You need to get control of your emotions and that will come with time and patience. Work on any issues that you have and before you know it, this will be all over. Your ex might see this change in you and she may posibly want to get back with you but when that time comes you may possibly not want anything with her. It happens all the time.

 

Hi diplok. I haven't smashed anything or primal screamed yet but I am starting to get there. I am normally pretty calm cool and collected but right now I want to go to the nearest bar, get drunk on Jack Daniels and get in a barfight. I am not that stupid but thats how I actually feel right now. Betrayed and hurt and I want to lash out.

The hardest part is not having many friends to talk to right now-I used to have many but over the years I have neglected them and they have either lost touch or moved away.

So I know I need to cultivate that part of my life first. My family is great my parents and siblings have been so supportive today, but they are all far away so I feel kind of lonely.

You are right I don't want her back right now, but I have so many questions and I want to know "why".

[troutandme]

I don't have a family doctor but I am going to need some time off work. Does anybody have any advice what to tell the doctor at the walk in clinic when I go on Monday morning for a doctors note? I just dont feel like I can face being at work for atleast a few days but I am not sure what to say other than the truth, and I am afraid the doc might not be sympathetic. Any advice?

[Lyssa]

I always go for 'gastric' excuse! I don't if that would work for you

 

It always does for me...

[Diplok]

I don't have a family doctor but I am going to need some time off work. Does anybody have any advice what to tell the doctor at the walk in clinic when I go on Monday morning for a doctors note? I just dont feel like I can face being at work for atleast a few days but I am not sure what to say other than the truth, and I am afraid the doc might not be sympathetic. Any advice?

 

I don't recommend you do that. If you stay home you'll just feel sorry for yourself.

 

Go to work and take care of your responsibilities. I know how you feel. I truly do. 7 weeks ago my gf walked out on me also without much explanation. I too had so many questions with no one to answer them. Over time I realized that no matter what answer she gave me, it would never be the right one. Only you can answer your own questions.

 

Let her go. It sounds stupid but the truth is, If she truly cares for you, she'll be back.

[Curious139]

I really feel for you and understand the pain you are in right now. There is some very good advice in the above posts. Its horrible to contemplate but if we love someone, we have to be able to let them go free. If it is fated to work, they'll come back.

 

Right now you must look after yourself. Go to the doctor and be honest. You will be feeling depressed right now. You should see a counsellor too so you can talk it out.

 

Write your thoughts down in a journal - get it on paper - as often and repeating as many times as you like. It can really help.

 

Something to consider - your brains store of neurotransmitters is out of balance right now. I won't go into the details but it means you aren't thinking normally. It took me 2 months with medication to get close to normal but you might be fine in a few days.

 

If you can accept that your mind is affected by a lack of certain chemicals, then you realise that what you are experiencing is natural and explainable. But it is still painful and healing is going to take time.

 

Keep posting, we have all been there - still am after 2 1/2 months, but the stress diminishes.

[troutandme]

I really feel for you and understand the pain you are in right now. There is some very good advice in the above posts. Its horrible to contemplate but if we love someone, we have to be able to let them go free. If it is fated to work, they'll come back.

 

Right now you must look after yourself. Go to the doctor and be honest. You will be feeling depressed right now. You should see a counsellor too so you can talk it out.

 

Write your thoughts down in a journal - get it on paper - as often and repeating as many times as you like. It can really help.

 

Something to consider - your brains store of neurotransmitters is out of balance right now. I won't go into the details but it means you aren't thinking normally. It took me 2 months with medication to get close to normal but you might be fine in a few days.

 

If you can accept that your mind is affected by a lack of certain chemicals, then you realise that what you are experiencing is natural and explainable. But it is still painful and healing is going to take time.

 

Keep posting, we have all been there - still am after 2 1/2 months, but the stress diminishes.

 

 

Hi Curious:

 

I am supposed to go back into work tonight but right now there is no way I could function in that atmosphere. I need atleast a few days to become a human being again before I can deal with other peoples emergencies. I am going to go to the walk in clinic down the street tomorrow and just tell the doctor the truth, and ask for a note for a few days off. I think I am starting to get sick anyways, my throat feels a little tingy and I have had a tension headache for 24 hours. I guess the bodies immune system shuts down from all the stress. There is just no way I can work tonight.

 

Its hard to admit but I am still waking up and crying like a baby every few hours. Its just awful for a couple hours I will be okay and will be able to immerse myself in a book or a video game, but then a reminder comes and the tears start flowing again.

Luckily an old high school friend came by last night and kept me company for a few hours. It really did help not to be alone.

Thanks for your reply and kind words of hope.

[MissMaris]

I am very sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.

 

Your relationship sounds a lot like the relationship I was in for close to 7 years. I moved out of state to be with my BF -- moved in with him in 2001 after a year of dating long distance.

 

He too, had a very stressful job and frequently came home stressed, tired, angry and frustrated. He was so drained by the weekend that he never wanted to go out and do anything.

 

Like your girlfriend's situation, my family lived far away and we rarely visited them. Having them visit me was difficult because my ex often didn't have the energy to be sociable. In fact, he really resented me inviting them over because he felt it 'disrupted' his weekends.

 

I tried to make friends in the area, but it seemed that when I wanted to invite them over or have a dinner party it was met with resistance from my ex, who found all social obligations exhausting.

 

We had some bad arguments. I begged him to seek counseling, but it was always met with a reason why he couldn't go.

 

After years of loneliness, I finally packed my bags to go too.....

 

You see, a woman can only take so many weekends of being ignored and being isolated from her supportive family members and friends.

 

I'm sure you weren't aware that she was feeling this way. I know that I tried to talk about it many times with my ex but because he was so deep into his own depression, he couldn't hear me. Like your girlfriend, I finally shut down.

 

It's a shame when couples fall apart, only because they can no longer effectively communicate with each other.

 

Maybe if you get into counseling and write to your girlfriend and try to show her that you're working on changing, you might have a chance to turn this around. it will take some pretty drastic efforts on your part, to get her to reconsider. Usually when a woman packs up and moves out, she's been planning it for a long time.

 

Good luck.

[troutandme]

I am very sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.

 

Your relationship sounds a lot like the relationship I was in for close to 7 years. I moved out of state to be with my BF -- moved in with him in 2001 after a year of dating long distance.

 

He too, had a very stressful job and frequently came home stressed, tired, angry and frustrated. He was so drained by the weekend that he never wanted to go out and do anything.

 

Like your girlfriend's situation, my family lived far away and we rarely visited them. Having them visit me was difficult because my ex often didn't have the energy to be sociable. In fact, he really resented me inviting them over because he felt it 'disrupted' his weekends.

 

I tried to make friends in the area, but it seemed that when I wanted to invite them over or have a dinner party it was met with resistance from my ex, who found all social obligations exhausting.

 

We had some bad arguments. I begged him to seek counseling, but it was always met with a reason why he couldn't go.

 

After years of loneliness, I finally packed my bags to go too.....

 

You see, a woman can only take so many weekends of being ignored and being isolated from her supportive family members and friends.

 

I'm sure you weren't aware that she was feeling this way. I know that I tried to talk about it many times with my ex but because he was so deep into his own depression, he couldn't hear me. Like your girlfriend, I finally shut down.

 

It's a shame when couples fall apart, only because they can no longer effectively communicate with each other.

 

Maybe if you get into counseling and write to your girlfriend and try to show her that you're working on changing, you might have a chance to turn this around. it will take some pretty drastic efforts on your part, to get her to reconsider. Usually when a woman packs up and moves out, she's been planning it for a long time.

 

Good luck.

 

Hi MissMaris, thank you for your reply and analysis.

In this situation, we actually did have a pretty good social life. We went away atleast once a month for a weekend, and she would have a friend or her sister come and stay for atleast one weekened a month. We went for sushi or out for dinner atleast one every two weeks, to a movie or a play or a live show atleast once a month. She had friends from work who she went for coffees with a couple times a week. I feel I was extremely attentive to her and I now am starting to think there might have been someone else who piqued her interest. I know I sound somewhat defensive and anyone reading this may think I am making excuses, but I really don't believe that the right word for her situation was "lonely".

About a month ago we had a bad fight, regarding how stressed I am at work and how she was very worried about me and how negative I was becoming due to extreme job stress and financial difficulty. We made a decision to stick things out for 3 more months and that I would go to stress counselling, stay at my job so we could save money (its a really well paying union job-i am an emergency 911 dispatcher for a large city) and then move closer to her family and sort of live the simple life and settle down. We even began in the last 3 months trying to get pregnant (yes maybe not the smartest move). We made an agreement that I would try not to bring home my work with me, and that she would be a little bit more understanding of both the stresses my job caused and the pressures she put on me after a 3 day stretch of 14 hours shifts. We actually agreed to tone down the number of houseguests and weekend trips just for the last three months, so I could concentrate on work without going crazy from fatigue and stress.

When you analyze these things in your head, you go over everything you can remember, every situation, every comment, and I really think today there is something that I don't know about the situation. She comes from a wealthy family-and I always got the feeling her mother thought she was too good for me. My financial situation wasn't and isn't the greatest, and I wonder today now too if she somehow felt that I was dragging her down or that I was hoping for help from her family.

I just don't know. I can definitely see her getting worn down from my fatigue and occassional lack of enthusiasm for going out or having guests, but I was trying, and she even admitted a week ago that I was doing well and how proud of me she was for trying to change my attitude.

I am not going to attempt to contact her. At this point I a simply too hurt and the pain is too great to do anything.

[troutandme]

I listened to a song last night, a sad song but I felt its lyrics, while they are sad, they also have some hope in them, and while I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel right now, I do have hope.

 

The Mountain Goats: Get Lonely

 

I will rise up early and dress myself up nice

and I will leave the house and check the deadlock twice.

and I will find a crowd and blend in for a minute

and I will try to find a little comfort in it.

and I will get lonely and gasp for air.

and send your name up from my lips like a signal flare.

 

and I will go downtown, stand in the shadows of the buildings

and button up my coat, trying to stay strong, spirit willing.

and I will come back home, maybe call some friends,

maybe paint some pictures,

it all depends.

and I will get lonely and gasp for air.

and look up at the high windows, and see your face up there.

[troutandme]

And here is something I just wrote, someday I can come back here and read it again and maybe laugh or atleast smile......

 

Its just some random thoughts that I needed to put down on paper

 

 

The eighth floor has two certain views

The fuzzy channel eleven brings us the news

And even through the shimmer of salty water

When you were my girl and I was almost your father

 

Rub me, touch me, stroke me at night

The king and the clown jester, ah what a site

Kiss the top of your head, say go to sleep

Shuffle down the hallway, dripping with weep

 

Can we talk about how, the deep thought of it all

Frightens your mind, and brings me to a crawl

Were you a robot, was I flesh and sore fingers?

When you walked out the door your dead spirit lingered

 

So no more Mr. Nice Guy, a mantra muttered

The twisted dark road is long and cluttered

Your no shining knight in armour, my friend

Your just a dusty human when you reach the end

 

And I called out your name as I awoke

A cruel point of reality gave a cruel hard poke

Oh my God and oh my darling love

You were stronger than me when push came to shove

[troutandme]

So I just woke up after falling asleep on the couch and the first thing I did when I was still half sleeping was go into the bedroom to check on her and kiss her goodnight like I do when that happens. Realized half way there that shes gone and sat in the hallway slumped for 15 minutes crying. Still feel like a infant. Got angry, went online and signed up for a dating service, got halfway through the registration and just completely shut down my computer in disgust at myself-not sure why. Went on MSN to see if anyone was there but of course at 344 in the morning on a Sunday probably not.

Have to deal now with seeing a doctor today, definitely not ready for that, not even really ready to go totally outside.

Thinking about our cat now, wondering how I am going to deal with losing him too, I like him alot and I guess she gets him since he was a birthday gift.

Still doesn't feel real. I don't want to change all my dreams of the future-damn. I am so angry.

I built my life around her. All my hopes and dreams involved her.

[bloodaye]

i read your post and its uncanny how similar my situation is,similar things were said to me and b4 i knew she moved out,i have a ****ty depressing job also i pretty much didnt feel like doing anything ever,but none the less i made an effort to go out with her as much as possible,even tho i didnt feel like it,but that wasnt good enuff,apparently she seemed to think she did more for me then i did for her,but whats funny about that is she wuld do these things then thrwo them in my face later.Why do them then? for her own personal satisfaction? If you do things for love you dont use it as ammo later on,i was the greatest thing since sliced bread according to her when things seemed fine,then outta nowhere she bolts.I too neglected my friends so they are very few now,which i now regret.You see women always keep a good list of social contacts that they can rely and fall back on,thats why its so much easier for them to jet and get over it.All theire girlfriends say to her " leave the jerk already you can do much better" and they listen to them and it helps justify them leaving.Whereas guys dont have that.keep this in mind also,you can b the ugliest women on the planet,walk into a bar and guys will flock to you,they know this,its always in the back of theyre mind,so even tho dumping theyre BF will hurt them to a point,they know there are many drunk horny guys who will jump at the chance to buy them a drink,and BOOM they have a new man,it sucks i know,but guys dont have that same luxury.My ex happens to b hot as hell so my mind is racing with all kinds of BS at the moment.but i look at it this way,if they delve in this kind of behaviour,it just shows theyre immaturity,and lack of self respect,even tho they can get a guy,and sleep with him etc etc... they dont feel good about it,trust me.Its theyre way of filling the void and making themselves feel better,in the morning they hate themselves. I mean cmon a dick is a dick is a dick,she slept with guys b4 you so whats the diff now? Thats how i get over that dilemma.Anyway man im rambling cause im pissed off just like you.If you wanna hook up,im in Toronto also. Take care man,im trying to.

[troutandme]

i read your post and its uncanny how similar my situation is,similar things were said to me and b4 i knew she moved out,i have a ****ty depressing job also i pretty much didnt feel like doing anything ever,but none the less i made an effort to go out with her as much as possible,even tho i didnt feel like it,but that wasnt good enuff,apparently she seemed to think she did more for me then i did for her,but whats funny about that is she wuld do these things then thrwo them in my face later.Why do them then? for her own personal satisfaction? If you do things for love you dont use it as ammo later on,i was the greatest thing since sliced bread according to her when things seemed fine,then outta nowhere she bolts.I too neglected my friends so they are very few now,which i now regret.You see women always keep a good list of social contacts that they can rely and fall back on,thats why its so much easier for them to jet and get over it.All theire girlfriends say to her " leave the jerk already you can do much better" and they listen to them and it helps justify them leaving.Whereas guys dont have that.keep this in mind also,you can b the ugliest women on the planet,walk into a bar and guys will flock to you,they know this,its always in the back of theyre mind,so even tho dumping theyre BF will hurt them to a point,they know there are many drunk horny guys who will jump at the chance to buy them a drink,and BOOM they have a new man,it sucks i know,but guys dont have that same luxury.My ex happens to b hot as hell so my mind is racing with all kinds of BS at the moment.but i look at it this way,if they delve in this kind of behaviour,it just shows theyre immaturity,and lack of self respect,even tho they can get a guy,and sleep with him etc etc... they dont feel good about it,trust me.Its theyre way of filling the void and making themselves feel better,in the morning they hate themselves. I mean cmon a dick is a dick is a dick,she slept with guys b4 you so whats the diff now? Thats how i get over that dilemma.Anyway man im rambling cause im pissed off just like you.If you wanna hook up,im in Toronto also. Take care man,im trying to.

 

i am in the hate stage right now today too bro. i keep thinking about all the dreams that just got broken-our dream of a bed and breakfest, our dream of kids, our dream of seeing Europe together. Heck we had names picked out for kids. the night before i stroked her back until she fell asleep, and she told me she loved me as she fell asleep. it doesnt feel real.

her friend was here last weekend and i think she influenced her somehow. her friend is this flaky chick who always has drama going on, always some kind of big crisis, and maybe jill wanted a crisis too, i dunno. i have a strong suspicion now she was or wanted to sneak around on me. just the cold clinical, like a f***ing robot. no contact so far, and i wont contact her, but gotta face that at some point because she only packed a small bag. i dont want to be here when she comes back. i will disappear for the day. shes taking our damn cat too bro. i love that cat. shes taking everything and i get nothing now but an empty apartment in a basically friendless city at a job i hate and in financial trouble. did i miss anything? i guess i still have my health. although the my throat feels like its on fire now.

part of me wants to go to the bar tonight and just pick up any old woman to get back at her, but im not 21 anymore. i cant do it to myself. part of me wants to check into the pyscho ward and just rest for 6 months. i cant even motivate myself to do the dishes or cook something to eat.

all i have eaten in the last 48 hours is english muffins with melted cheese on them and some peanut butter and crackers.

when we get sorted out we will have a beer my friend.

we need to keep it together for now. its important to write this **** for both of us because its an outlet, if i didnt have this outlet im not sure what i would be doing. stay strong bro.

[bloodaye]

im the same way i havnt eaten anything in the last 5 days or so,well barely anything,i lost like 10 pounds already.She also took everything when she moved our nice 37 inch flatscreen the bed,i have been sleeping on a ****in couch and living like an animal in this empty space,What sucks is eeverytime i come home i expect her to b sitting on the couch waiting for me,its a wierd feeling to come home to those memories man it gives me chills,and then i break down,cause its just wierd and so quiet without her here,im moving at the end of the month cause i cant handle being her anymore.A word of advice tho,stay off the booze it makes it 10 times worse the next day when u snap back into reality,trust me coming down off of a drunk when ur depressed is the wosrt feeling in the world and in turn creates a vicious cycle,drank for a week straight,wasted money and it did me no good but make it worse,its tempting for temporary relief,but it aint worth the aftermath.Yeah and my place is a mess also,just havnt been motivated to clean or anything,almost dont even feel like going to work some days. later man