Wife said she married me for the man she thought I "could be"...Sorry, it's long..

[LankyGuy]

Hello,

 

This is my first post and I have LOTS of issues to discuss on here eventually with the problems in my marriage, myself, etc. I have questions about the term "love", women's views of sex, problems with my own insecurities and feelings I have about the relationship, and others, but for this post I'm going to start here, because the issue in the title has cropped up in our relationship over and over a again for a LONG time.

 

OK, a brief history. I'm 33, male. Married, no kids (yet), wife and I have good jobs, good financial situation , good family relationships, workaholics, etc. I have only had 3 relationships in my life. One from 15-16. One from 16-18, and the one with my wife...from just turning 19 until now. After moving to FL for college as I was turning 19, I met my wife who was turning 18....

 

Anyways, I noticed her in my class, finally got the nerve to walk up to her one day, and we hit it off. Turns out she was PERFECT for me and I was PERFECT for her. We were each attracted to the other's tall, thin attractive forms, both from similar backgrounds (both just moved from Pennsylvania that month), similar beliefs, and our personalities just meshed unbelievably. I still have never met anyone who I thought was cooler, more attractive, and more of a fit for my personality, family goals, etc. Although back then, each of us was planning to "play the field", have fun, etc...we both realized that we each found "the one"...years earlier than each of us had planned....

 

The first 9 months of our relationship was phenomenal....and was probably the basis for the last 13 years' "success". Then infatuation wore off and our relationship become more typical of a LT R with typical ups and downs, job and college stress, etc. We lived together through college...even "broke up" for a year on the 4th year of our relationship....due to me "taking her for granted" etc and her having a 3 month R with a guy that gave her attention (supposedly there was never sex). I too felt that our R had gotten rocky, so I took the year to focus on school, hang out with friends, do my own thing (no sex or relationships), and think about things. Eventually we talked about the problems (my lack of attention to her), we patched it up, got out of college, and got married a few years later...in 2000.

 

Now to the problem...ever since that break-up in '97, I really don't know if our relationship was fixed. We had plenty of good times, and it was stable enough for us to get married, but I don't think my wife has truly been happy with the R or me for more than a month or two at a time. It constantly goes back to how I was focusing on school, work, etc and "taking her for granted" and "not making her feel special"...according to her, nothing has changed since 1997.

 

Many times over the years when we've gotten into fights she has said she was only happy THE FIRST YEAR OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!!!! Life has been extra challenging over the past 5 years since she's had health issues (rheumatoid arthirits), fertility issues (we've spent tens of $1000s so far), and now she recently went through thyroid cancer (excellent prognosis). Our relationship is in shambles and it really has been for a long time...despite counseling over the years.

 

After getting turned down for sex for the thrid time in a row the other night (we have sex once every month or two and it's not good) I initiated a long talk with her about my unhapiness also. She admitted that she married me because she KNEW I could be a better man. She admitted she married me for who she "thought I could become" once I changed. I suspected this for a long time and I also suspect that she married me despite our problems because I am "great on paper", I provide for her, give her security, family loves me, "I'd never cheat", etc. Many times I've told her that I think she just wanted to be married...and she married me b/c she had invested a lot of time into it, etc. It's not just her fault, though.

 

The problem I have always struggled with is that I'm selfish with my time and attention and I DO have problems giving her compliments, making her feel special, etc...I REALLY REALLY struggle with this sort of behavior...feels like a burden on me, I guess...like her happiness is based on words she hears from me. And she feels like I don't love her because of this. Sex has been once a month for the last 5-7 years (our entire marriage) and for the first time, it's now ME that is bringing up the discontent with the marriage....she was glad to hear it since she feels like I don't care about the relationship...or that it's a low priority to me...it may be true...i really don't know anymore. I expressed to her that I worry if I can ever make her happy if I haven't made her happy in 13 years...

 

I feel hurt that a woman married me because she thought she could change me into the "perfect" husband, but OTOH, I need to suck it up and learn how to show attention. Her friends and family think I'm a model husband, and would be shocked if she left me b/c I don't make her feel "special" but I don't blame her if she's not happy. I've asked her if we should have ever gotten married in the first place! As far as she's concerned, I don't show "love" for her other than being home with her every night, providing for her financially, giving her security, etc. She dos not feel loved by me, and at this point I don't know if I feel love for her!! Without closeness, sex, etc, we've become roommates/business partners. My wife has had ZERO sex drive for nearly 10 years (she was even TOO TIRED ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT...WTF!??). I've gotten shot down for sex 100s of times...now I rarely bother asking...so now I don't feel close and barely want to hug, kiss, touch her. What a mess!

 

I know I will have a lifetime of challenges dealing with my selfishness, so most of this is probably my fault, and I'm fortunate that such a great selfless woman has given me second chances to change over and over again, but I don't know where to go from here....What are the chances that I can change if she's been unhappy with me for the past 13 years? It sounds crazy but I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore!!! What does love even feel like??...it's not what we had as 18/19 year-olds...that was infatuation...that's easy to get...love...that's another thing entirely.

 

Can any of you offer advice? Divorce has come up several times over the past few years and again the other night. Neither of us wants that but are we kidding ourselves in this relationship? Will it ever be like it was back in 1993? Will it ever even be normal after more than a decade like this?

 

Thanks so much...

[whichwayisup]

Start dating your wife and LOOK at her as sexy girlfriend. Remember what it was that you felt a long time ago? Try to recapture those feelings...

 

She DOES need to feel desired, to feel special to you, to feel loved...And, you need that from her.

 

Suggest going on a date - Get dressed up, go somewhere special and have fun. Laugh and reconnect again...Forget the daily stresses of life - Pretend like you two are just starting out together and see if that will jump start the passion again.

 

If you both want to make it work, and both of you work HARD together - You have a shot.

 

Gotta put eachother FIRST, stop thinking of "me" first, then "her" last, and same goes for her. Start doing nice things for eachother...Flowers, little treats, backrubs, cuddles and daily kisses.

 

Hope this helps.

[Ladyjane14]

Unless the two of you can resolve the lack of sexual intimacy within the relationship, you may as well hang it up. Without it, it's unlikely that either of you will ever be emotionally satisfied with the marriage.

 

Here are a few threads to start you on. There are ALOT more where those came from.

Use the search tool above with keywords like "sexless marriage" and "female libido" to find more.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130144/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t124056/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123244/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101000/

[Reckless]

Its a classic problem, repeated over and over again here and all over the web: the rock of a woman feeling unloved, meets the hard place of a man feeling unappreciated.

 

You got ourselves in a Mexican standoff, she gives no sex because she feels unloved, he cannot feel loving towards a woman that gives no sex.

 

You have a choice, get to work finding a compromise, working to get into each others heads, root out the resentment and start building understanding or let it fester until neither can stand it any more.

 

You say you have tried councelling over the years, what did that give? Can you both draw up a plan of action? Get some books? start working through them? There are some good sources of information on improving your marriage if you are willing to put the same amount of work into saving the marriage as making a baby.

 

You wife's illness, your difficulty in having children, subsequent depression, feelings of guilt etc. the lack of affection you show/feel, you work schedules.. all these things have sapped the life out of your marriage and unless you BOTH make a conscious effort to take personal responsibilty and struggle to re-establish a bond you things will only get worse and not even a baby will make things better.

 

You DO need to learn to express loving feelings because she obviously needs to hear them. She needs to recognise the part sex plays in a union and you both need to root out the resentment and hurt your carrying around. Find out where your wife really stands and if she is REALLY willing to give your marriage 110 % and you have a good chance of mending what's broke.

[Woggle]

No matter what you do for her she will never feel appreciated and loved by you. For a woman like her nothing is ever good enough and no matter how hard you try she will keep punishing you becaue of built up resentment for every single perceived wrong on your part. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You have no kids with her so get out while you can because once you have kids she can make your life hell. Also no woman should marry a man for who he can be but for who he is. If she wanted you to be something else she should have married a man like that.

[Izzy B]

No matter what you do for her she will never feel appreciated and loved by you. For a woman like her nothing is ever good enough and no matter how hard you try she will keep punishing you becaue of built up resentment for every single perceived wrong on your part. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You have no kids with her so get out while you can because once you have kids she can make your life hell. Also no woman should marry a man for who he can be but for who he is. If she wanted you to be something else she should have married a man like that.

 

The problem is he wants to try to work things out with her. The other problem is that he admits he had done a lot to make her feel unloved.

[Woggle]

The problem is he wants to try to work things out with her. The other problem is that he admits he had done a lot to make her feel unloved.

 

Trying to make things work with he is anexercise in futility and right now he is blaming himself because he doesn't know what to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

Its a classic problem, repeated over and over again here and all over the web: the rock of a woman feeling unloved, meets the hard place of a man feeling unappreciated.

 

You got ourselves in a Mexican standoff, she gives no sex because she feels unloved, he cannot feel loving towards a woman that gives no sex.

 

You have a choice, get to work finding a compromise, working to get into each others heads, root out the resentment and start building understanding or let it fester until neither can stand it any more.

Reckless, you should just copy that paragraph and paste it into 90% of the threads here. It would be good advice for all of them ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JackJack]

No matter what you do for her she will never feel appreciated and loved by you.

 

*Says who? You? Just because it might turn out that way for some or have turned out that way for you in the past, doesn't mean it will happen to ALL people.

 

 

 

You have no kids with her so get out while you can because once you have kids she can make your life hell.

 

 

*Yeah getting out is the answer. Maybe for some, and espcially after someone has actually tried to work on things.

[Izzy B]

Trying to make things work with he is anexercise in futility and right now he is blaming himself because he doesn't know what to do.

 

Just because leaving was the answer for you, doesn't mean it applies to everyone.

[LankyGuy]

Thanks for responses and links. I'm learning a lot. Looks like I'm not the only one.

 

Yeah, I may never be good enough for her. I've thought of that many times and told her that many times. She promises that she's happy with me except for the "making her feel special" part...and that's tough for me. She may be emotionally high maintenance, but she's a great wife when she's happy and I got aloof in my previous relationship too, once the infatuation wore off...I totally disconnected emotionally and she just took it until the relationship died and she found someone else to fill the void (which I didn't even care at the time).

 

This could end up being a pattern in every LT relationship I enter...I don't want to throw this one away to find out that it's me screwing up. I wasn't raised with my Dad and never even met him from ages 2-13...since then I talk to him once or twice a year. But I see his crappy aloof, non-interested, non in-involved ways in myself, regardless. His Dad did it to his kids and wife, and now I'm continuing the cycle.

 

As far as her not marrying me for who I am...it's crappy, but it must be common otherswise you wouldn't have the adage...

 

[sIZE=-1]"A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change, but she does. A woman marries a man hoping he'll change, but he doesn't."[/sIZE]

 

Regarding kids. Ironically, just as our relationship reached a boiling point, we found out that our latest fertility attempt worked...we're at 7.5 weeks. She's not carrying the baby...a surrogate is doing it for us. Ironic timing...OTOH, her resentment and obsession over not being able to carry a baby has really put strain on our relationship...although she doesn't think so :-/

 

We actually had really good sex yesterday morning after our 2 hr talk the night before. Hopefully while she's gone this weekend she'll do some thinking too.

 

I'm going to work hard at this for the next few months, probably meet with another MC, and see if we can make some progress. If not, then we could be seperating before the baby is even born :-(

 

Woggle, I'm curious. Did you go through this yourself? You seem to speak from experience...

[Woggle]

I had a cheating wife myself who blamed me because I was in school trying to get us out of poverty. Sometimes you have to focus yourself on getting out of a bad situation and women need to understand this. It didn't mean that I loved her less but we needed to better our lives. I have seen this scenario play out time and time again with men and the inevitable end is divorce. Do you want to divorce now with no kids or do you want to divorce later possible leaving your children with a broken home. Why delay the inevitable/

[Woggle]

Wait a minute you guys are now having a kid? That is just great bringing a child into a broken marriage. Did you guys think about this future who will have to grow up in a broken home?

[Ladyjane14]

This could end up being a pattern in every LT relationship I enter...I don't want to throw this one away to find out that it's me screwing up. I wasn't raised with my Dad and never even met him from ages 2-13...since then I talk to him once or twice a year. But I see his crappy aloof, non-interested, non in-involved ways in myself, regardless. His Dad did it to his kids and wife, and now I'm continuing the cycle.

 

Type into your browser, "why women leave men, marriagebuilders". There's an article there which will give you a pretty good understanding of what women are looking for in order to feel emotionally fulfilled within the relationship. Check out Dr. Harley's information on Love Busters while you're there. It's in the Basic Concepts section.

[LankyGuy]

Wait a minute you guys are now having a kid? That is just great bringing a child into a broken marriage. Did you guys think about this future who will have to grow up in a broken home?

 

Broken marriage? Our marriage has issues that have escalated over the years, and we've been trying to conceive for four years...probably one of the things that has led to the marital stress...but I wouldn't yet call it broken.

 

We are contstantly trying to improve things and it's been challenging, but not so bad that we would not start a family. We've always assumed that we would work through whatever problems we had. We didn't get into the marriage with divorce being a plausible "out"...of course you never really know...you just do the best that you can.

 

She's been unhappy with me but "dealing with it" for a long time. I've been denied sex and "dealing with it" for a long time. It's now clear to us that this has been slowly causing the marriage to collapse, so we are getting things out in the open so that we can address it...

 

Man, people who have not been through fertility trouble have NO CLUE how tough it is. My wife had to go off RA medication for almost 2 years while givng her self shots, getting poked and prodded and going through a miscarriage after all that. Then I spent my entire salary last year on fertility and we had ANOTHER miscarriage...and I still have $30,000 left to spend before the 9 months with the surrogacy is up...of course at 7.5 weeks who knows if it will go full term. The stress and financial outlay of this alone is enough to wreak havoc on any marriage...we're doing the best we can with the hand we've been dealt.

[LankyGuy]

Type into your browser, "why women leave men, marriagebuilders". There's an article there which will give you a pretty good understanding of what women are looking for in order to feel emotionally fulfilled within the relationship. Check out Dr. Harley's information on Love Busters while you're there. It's in the Basic Concepts section.

 

Wow, I just read the quoted statements at the beginning of that article and it gave me chills. Those are all things my wife would say...and she has said most of them. Thanks for the article...I'm going to go through it now.

[Curmudgeon]

No matter what you do for her she will never feel appreciated and loved by you. For a woman like her nothing is ever good enough and no matter how hard you try she will keep punishing you becaue of built up resentment for every single perceived wrong on your part. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

 

You know her that well, do you?

 

Of course, if you're right, you and she are soulmates. All those built up resentments, don't you know.

 

Is this really how your wife wants to live the rest of her life?

 

As for the OP, it's disingenuous to marry someone based upon your perception of who and what they should become. That's not an honest approach to what should be a commitment.

[Izzy B]

Well, the fact is he did love her when he married her and he wants to try to make it work, so you really can't go back and state she was wrong when it is years after the fact. That fact alone is not enough to say "divorce."

lankyguy, since your wife is open to MC is a very good sign, as well as you and her are still intimate, especially very recently, that is good. I think the upcoming baby is a wonderful thing and it might help your marriage. You will feel great love and emotion for this child and perhaps you can revisit the emotional support that all human beings need, not just women. The fact that she needs an emotionally intimate connection is not her being "emotionally high maintenance." It is her being a human being.

[LankyGuy]

Yeah, my wife is open to anything. She even said we could go to sex counseling which is really cool.

 

Yeah, the sex yesterday morning was a good sign...and when she was leaving for her weekend trip she was waving goodbye and gazing at me as if she was leaving for 2 months...

[whichwayisup]

Then work with this. She is making an effort - So should you. Tomorrow, get some flowers for her so when she comes home they'll be waiting for her. Get some of her favourite foods too. Little treats...

 

You can change if you want to. Or atleast, continually make efforts to keep the flame going. Just do things for eachother and put her first. Once she feels that love, security feeling from you, she WILL open up too and you'll get more sex. Give'n'take...

[whichwayisup]

For a woman like her nothing is ever good enough and no matter how hard you try she will keep punishing you becaue of built up resentment for every single perceived wrong on your part. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

 

Woggle, I do agree there are woman out there who are in it for themselves and basically the husbands jump through hoops and it still isn't enough. But, in Lanky's situation, I don't think it is like that. He has even said he doesn't make an effort, even though he knows he should.

 

It's easy to let things be- Day in and day out, the same comfy pattern...Problem with that is, the marriage, the relationship gets stale and that's when affairs, both emotional and physical ones, can happen. Depression can set in too.

 

Lanky, with all the stresses, her depression, the miscarriage, the money spent of her getting pregnant and hopefully the baby being OK this time around IS worth giving this marriage a good shot. Doing counselling, both talking wise and sex wise, you two can work through it and come out on the other side!

 

Good luck and I hope things continue to progress for you and your wife.

[LankyGuy]

Thanks whichwayisup...those are good ideas. I'll go shopping tomorrow. It will also be her birthday the day she comes back, so I'll have to make sure I do it right...

[soulsurf]

The rejection can play havoc with your brain. You almost need to stop going after sex in a situation like this, because getting constantly shut down just makes everything worse. You get in a terrible mood every time you get denied, and then you start to doubt yourself, and her, and the whole situation you are in.

 

You need to step back and think about where you want to be, and figure out how to get there. For every wife that wants YOU to make her feel special, what is SHE doing for you? For every time your wife shoots down sex, how many times has she tried to initiate? If not ever, then I don't possibly see how she is going to turn that around.

 

I can see the need for making your SO feel special, but if you NEVER compromise, and everything HAS to be THEIR way, you are in for a rough road ahead.

 

You can talk, things will change in the short term, but if attitudes stay the same, then things will always fall back into the same pattern.

 

Look inside yourself and figure out what YOU want first.

[Woggle]

You may not think your marriage is broken but it is. I have seen all too often how this scenario plays out and it is not pretty. I hope I am wrong for your sake and your child's sake but this situation usually ends in divorce. I also think that bringing a baby into an already troubled marriage is a bad idea. If you think sex is an issue now wait until the baby is around and your wife complains that she has two kids. I just don't have a good feeling about this.

[Reckless]

 

She's been unhappy with me but "dealing with it" for a long time. I've been denied sex and "dealing with it" for a long time. It's now clear to us that this has been slowly causing the marriage to collapse, so we are getting things out in the open so that we can address it...

 

Then you're both in with a fighting chance. Do check out Marriagebuilders and LadyJ's threads (in fact LJ is a wonderful source of information so read relevant threads that she has contributed to).

 

"dealing with it" usually translates as 'putting up for as long as it is humanly possible' and putting up usually cracks eventually. And it takes surprisingly small gestures to move towards mutual satisfaction.

 

Thing is with the baby thing; children are passengers on the ship of your marriage, they are as happy and secure as the 'union' they sail on, when the parents have a leak the children are at best frightened and at worst traumatized.

 

A baby, esspecially a long awaited and tried for child, rather than solidifying a union causes a distraction as the woman especially, is often totally consumed by this new element. As joyful as it is, old needs and resentments can often be pushed aside when a child becomes the priority, only to resurface years later. Mutual love for a baby rarely holds a shakey foundation together.

 

Man, people who have not been through fertility trouble have NO CLUE how tough it is. ....The stress and financial outlay of this alone is enough to wreak havoc on any marriage...we're doing the best we can with the hand we've been dealt.

 

There is NO DOUBT that the stress of trying to concieve has had all kinds of effects on your marriage but more so reason to build a solid base. I think its Hollywood when problems brings people together, more often than not it drives people apart as they try and concentrate on dealing with their personal struggles while feeling that their partner doesn't TRUELY understand how it feels.

 

It doesn't have to be that way but believe me, silently "putting up" is the worst of approaches, no matter how well meaning; there must be a release for the feelings and a viable plan of action that both partners feel is producing results to avoid resentment and eventual relationship fatique.

 

Good luck,

Reckless