jalona Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years - I'm a young 35. He drops sexual innuendos around me constantly, and manages to grope me a few times a day. I am confused about my reactions and feelings - on one hand, I should probably be glad he still desires me, but much outweighing that is that I expect him to treat me with respect and understand that I don't want him grabbing some part of me constantly. Also, this is only when we're alone together. Please let me know your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 it sounds like your husband thinks your a slut from what you wrote Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 it sounds like your husband thinks your a slut from what you wrote no he doesn't and why should this be her problem, what is this saying about her husband Link to post Share on other sites
Illicit Angel Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 He drops sexual innuendos around me constantly, and manages to grope me a few times a day. I am confused about my reactions and feelings - on one hand, I should probably be glad he still desires me, but much outweighing that is that I expect him to treat me with respect and understand that I don't want him grabbing some part of me constantly. Also, this is only when we're alone together. Please let me know your thoughts. I had this problem with an ex .... i would suggest that talk to him about how this makes feel. My guess is he most likely thinks his behaviour does make you feel desired and attractive to him. Is this a way to show you affection as he knows no other? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years - I'm a young 35. He drops sexual innuendos around me constantly, and manages to grope me a few times a day. I am confused about my reactions and feelings - on one hand, I should probably be glad he still desires me, but much outweighing that is that I expect him to treat me with respect and understand that I don't want him grabbing some part of me constantly. Also, this is only when we're alone together. Please let me know your thoughts. It sounds like your husband is trying to express desire and affection in his advances. The communication in your marriage after this much time is not very good. Please work on this. For you to think the worst and feel the worst about gestures that are meant to please you is a serious sign your marriage is going in the WRONG direction. Link to post Share on other sites
gman0hsev Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 ..... maybe he wants more sex? But i dont think he thinks your a slut I think he is just expressing his desire for you. If he thought you were a slut i don't think that he would wait till you are alone but thats just my opinion..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jalona Posted September 22, 2007 Author Share Posted September 22, 2007 I had this problem with an ex .... i would suggest that talk to him about how this makes feel. My guess is he most likely thinks his behaviour does make you feel desired and attractive to him. Is this a way to show you affection as he knows no other? Yes, I do think it is - but is that a guy thing? If I want to show him affection, I hug him, or wink at him - I don't grab his crotch. Maybe I don't communicate it in exact words, but more and more lately, I do shrug it off. Only because, in the past, I have mentioned that I'd rather he give me a hug, and I've also mentioned that I don't really like him to do that if it's not part of forplay - basically that there's a time and a place. But, when I've said either, he acted like his feelings were hurt - which, to me, feels like manipulation. Link to post Share on other sites
Illicit Angel Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 Yes, I do think it is - but is that a guy thing? If I want to show him affection, I hug him, or wink at him - I don't grab his crotch. Maybe I don't communicate it in exact words, but more and more lately, I do shrug it off. Only because, in the past, I have mentioned that I'd rather he give me a hug, and I've also mentioned that I don't really like him to do that if it's not part of forplay - basically that there's a time and a place. But, when I've said either, he acted like his feelings were hurt - which, to me, feels like manipulation. I don't like say things like a *guy thing* but yeah it is:o How bout if he grabs you .... move his hands from where you don't want them, to place you would prefer? Always making sure you are smiling or telling him that you love him so as not to get the wrong impression. I guess im suggesting showing him how you want it as opposed to telling him? You could even use both tactics at the same time .. while moving his hands tell him it works better for you this way... just a suggestion If you do that though be gentle and subtle it could hurt his feelings if he thought you liked it and it turns out the whole time you haven't.... but definelty work on the communication it seems to be the thing that works from what i have read on here! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 Yes, I do think it is - but is that a guy thing? If I want to show him affection, I hug him, or wink at him - I don't grab his crotch. Maybe I don't communicate it in exact words, but more and more lately, I do shrug it off. Only because, in the past, I have mentioned that I'd rather he give me a hug, and I've also mentioned that I don't really like him to do that if it's not part of forplay - basically that there's a time and a place. But, when I've said either, he acted like his feelings were hurt - which, to me, feels like manipulation. I disagree...I think foreplay should be all day...it's playful fun and it keeps the flame on simmer all the time. My guess is that's what your H is thinking, too. Was he always touchy-feely when you're alone? Or is this a new thing? How's your sex life? Do you enjoy sex? Do you try new things? Have fun? Is it playful? How's the rest of your relationship? Are you happy? Because it sounds like you might be a little resentful about something? Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Your husband is speaking a "love language" that HE finds pleasing...he speaks to you in a manner that he himself wishes to be expressed to him. That doesn't make it right, but he's basically telegraphing what he wants from you. I suggest you invest some time together discussing love languages. Everyone has a preference for how they receive loving affirmations from their spouse. For some, they want to express love via acts of service, doing things that they believe _should_ make their spouse feel cherished. Others speak their love via acts of giving, be it gifts or small tokens of appreciation. Google "love languages" and do some reading...several good books on the subject. You need to learn his love language and he needs to learn yours. Then together you can work on speaking to one another in a manner that actually promotes a strong marriage bond instead of irritating one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jalona Posted September 23, 2007 Author Share Posted September 23, 2007 I disagree...I think foreplay should be all day...it's playful fun and it keeps the flame on simmer all the time. My guess is that's what your H is thinking, too. Was he always touchy-feely when you're alone? Or is this a new thing? How's your sex life? Do you enjoy sex? Do you try new things? Have fun? Is it playful? How's the rest of your relationship? Are you happy? Because it sounds like you might be a little resentful about something? ....perceptive. He seems more touchy-feely over the last couple years, but maybe I'm just getting more irritable. Honestly, I probably like sex less than I should. Occasionally, I really like it, but for the most part, I don't think much about it. Not to say we don't have sex - we have sex at least once a week. And, yes, to a certain extent, we try new things. But for various reasons, my heart isn't always in it. Resentment - there is definitely some simmering there (on my part) - much to do with getting married so young. But I have tried to work on my outlook with therapy, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 didnt you ask if you husband thinks your a slutt in therapy, did your therapist agree? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jalona Posted September 23, 2007 Author Share Posted September 23, 2007 didnt you ask if you husband thinks your a slutt in therapy, did your therapist agree? I was in therapy because I was diagnosed with clinical depression and meds didn't really help after a few years. I wanted to try to determine whether I was depressed because of my overall situation, or if I actually had a chemical imbalance, meaning I couldn't even be happy if everything was as I wanted. This topic didn't come up directly, so I didn't get the benifit of a professional's opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 ....perceptive. He seems more touchy-feely over the last couple years, but maybe I'm just getting more irritable. Honestly, I probably like sex less than I should. Occasionally, I really like it, but for the most part, I don't think much about it. Not to say we don't have sex - we have sex at least once a week. And, yes, to a certain extent, we try new things. But for various reasons, my heart isn't always in it. Resentment - there is definitely some simmering there (on my part) - much to do with getting married so young. But I have tried to work on my outlook with therapy, etc. The perceptiveness comes from experience. I was engaged and living with my fiancee when I noticed that he was irritating the hell out of me by doing the same kinds of things your H is doing. The thing is, he always did those things and I used think it was endearing...but then I started hating it, and it seemed crude, rude, and unacceptable. At the same time, I started not wanting to have sex with him much anymore even though I used to love it. Fact was, I had built up some resentments about our relationship, and I totally started resenting him, and eventually fell out of love with him, which is why I didn't want him touching me intimately. The sex, and the interest in being playful about sex, is the first thing to go when there are underlying relationship problems - at least for me. So, to sum it up, no, your husband doesn't think you're a slut. It's your view of him and your relationship that is the problem. Deal with your underlying resentments and relationship issues and depression, and I'm guessing you won't be so irritated by his sexplay. Maybe some marriage counseling in addition to the individual therapy would help. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years - I'm a young 35. He drops sexual innuendos around me constantly, and manages to grope me a few times a day. I am confused about my reactions and feelings - on one hand, I should probably be glad he still desires me, but much outweighing that is that I expect him to treat me with respect and understand that I don't want him grabbing some part of me constantly. Also, this is only when we're alone together. Please let me know your thoughts. If you get upset that he "gropes" you, he will probably start to think you are messing around on him and that certain parts that you consider off limits are being reserved for some other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I don't think he thinks you are a slut, I think he just thinks that this will communicate to you that he is still attracted to you and desires you. I suggest talking to him and telling him how you are feeling. The next time he does it say: "Hey, honey you know it really bothers me when you just come up and grope me like that. I love when you show affection, and I like that you still desire me but a hug and kiss would be a nice way to show that too." That communicated your feelings and tells him in a non-judgemental way what you think he is doing. Don't accuse him of thinking your a slut, thats not going to help the matter. I mean I think a little bit of jokingly pinching is not bad, I pinch my bfs butt sometimes as a kind of a playful thing, and he'll do the same. I never grab his crotch just for the heck of it though, thats kind of going overboard. Anyway, tell him how you feel, if you've been married 15 years and your still young than you must have SOME good communication skills. Talk to him, after all he loves you! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 The perceptiveness comes from experience. I was engaged and living with my fiancee when I noticed that he was irritating the hell out of me by doing the same kinds of things your H is doing. The thing is, he always did those things and I used think it was endearing...but then I started hating it, and it seemed crude, rude, and unacceptable. At the same time, I started not wanting to have sex with him much anymore even though I used to love it. Fact was, I had built up some resentments about our relationship, and I totally started resenting him, and eventually fell out of love with him, which is why I didn't want him touching me intimately. The sex, and the interest in being playful about sex, is the first thing to go when there are underlying relationship problems - at least for me. So, to sum it up, no, your husband doesn't think you're a slut. It's your view of him and your relationship that is the problem. Deal with your underlying resentments and relationship issues and depression, and I'm guessing you won't be so irritated by his sexplay. Maybe some marriage counseling in addition to the individual therapy would help. So to sum up what ur saying she thinks she's a slut... interesting Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 So to sum up what ur saying she thinks she's a slut... interesting No, what I'm saying is she's starting to loathe her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Illicit Angel Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 No, what I'm saying is she's starting to loathe her husband. That could be a little harsh. Although i do agree with there is underlying problems, espcially if it's the way he has always been. It's a sure sign to look at how the OP is feeling about her husband. A dislike of this behaviour can be down a no. of reasons...... 1 Low libdo, whilst his is high 2 Too much other stuff going on in her personally life/work/kids 3 Needs more affection as opposed to sex 4 Absolutly nothing to do with him at all i.e something from the past 5 Simply needs more space I'm no expert in marriage though Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 to me the op sounds real messed on more then just being a slut, some girls enjoy getting all slutted out butttttt she sounds severly anciouse about things I say if that therapist helped her out in the past she should see them again Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Just curious.... Have you shown this thread to your husband? I'm dead serious...if you can't share this discussion with him, but you can here thanks to anonymity, then I'd have to question the communication, honesty and trust in your relationship in general. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Just curious.... Have you shown this thread to your husband? I'm dead serious...if you can't share this discussion with him, but you can here thanks to anonymity, then I'd have to question the communication, honesty and trust in your relationship in general. this thread has nothing to do with that. Shes obviously said stuff to her husband, and after 15 years he isnt just going to come out and tell her he thinks of her as a slut if he hasnt b4. He more likely thinks of her as a fridgid bitch he wishs was a slut and treats like on Link to post Share on other sites
Deanster Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Ummm.... no, your husband doesn't think you're a slut. He wants you to be in some way sexually responsive, and is trying to get some kind of response from you. You are giving him the cold shoulder, and he's trying to engage you on some level by showing you he thinks you're attractive, sexy, and desirable to him. He may not be doing it in the way you want, or a way that appeals, and he may even be doing it poorly, or unskillfully. But he's almost certainly not doing it out of disrespect, a desire to make you feel lousy, or to hurt you. He just can't figure out how to reach you on a physical level, and it sure sounds to me like you've checked out on the physical relationship, and perhaps the emotional one as well. IMHO, you might think about whether it's as much something that you're doing/not doing as it is him which is creating this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 He drops sexual innuendos around me constantly, and manages to grope me a few times a day. ... Also, this is only when we're alone together. Please let me know your thoughts. You said that he's "grabbing parts of your anatomy". If that is what you mean by groping, maybe it makes you feel violated and objectified - more of a sex object than a life partner, which is what you are rebelling against. However, if his "groping" is gentle and sensual, there are prolly other reasons why you are reacting adversely to his approaches. So what kind of groping is he doing and why are you reacting the way you are ? Is it about you not wanting to feel his touch at all ? Or is it only about the "way" in which he touches you that puts you off ? Or is it just because you think you are unable to respond the way he wants that makes you feel uncomfortable ? What exactly is going through your mind ? Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
IamASelfishSOB Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 I don't know about groping, but I pat my wife's behind, or sneak up behind her and kiss her neck and fondle her a little. Of course this is usually when the kids are not around. I've never asked my wife, but I believe she sees this as a true form of affection. I'm sure your husband thinks he is showing you affection. Let him know if he is overstepping his bounds and tell him what you do feel is appropriate. I'm sure he doesn't think you are a slut. Link to post Share on other sites
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