I need some emotional support-am really doubting myself these days.

[SLC]

Hi All!

I stumbled on this thread and after reading some of the other posts, felt it might be what I needed to get through this. I feel so many things right now, but the main thing I feel is this huge hole in my heart and deep betrayal. Every other hour or so, I just breakdown and sob.

 

Probably should never have married this man, but I did. We dated for 3 yrs and would have been married 10 in Feb of '07, but I divorced him in Oct of '06. We have no children. There were so many reasons I filed for divorce, but I guess the main one was I had felt exploited by him sexually for a long time and that resulted in me shutting down in that area not to mention his indiscretions. Not completely shutdown sexually, but I was always guarded and the reason for that was because, thanks to the internet, I caught him trying to hook up with other women after 8 months into the marriage. He never really stopped that behavior and when we'd have sex, it was like wham bam thank you ma'am. He was an only child, mama's boy and has always been very self-centered, and his mother made it worse with in her words "he's my only child and I don't want to say anything to alienate him".

 

Anyhow, due to financial struggles we have had since 9/11, once we divorced, we continued to live together. We had slept in separate bedrooms most of this marriage because he said "I disturbed his sleep" so he wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me. Again, it's all about him.

Well, I started a business about 3.5 years ago and it's finally to a point where I can take a paycheck. We split some of the bills, and used to split them all, but he's been covering all the rent at the condo I/we live in for sometime. About 3 mos ago he finally got a job in CA (where we are both from) that paid closer to what he used to make pre 9/11 so he got a tiny studio. By the way, we had moved to NV in '03 to cut costs. He didn't want to leave me because we were trying to work through our problems and had talked about remarrying several times. He has always called me a lot, but since leaving to make more money and try to have some stability again, he calls me probably 5-10 times a day every day, so it's like we're not even apart. It's always been like that with us. We also commute between NV (where I am) and CA (where he is now).

 

Well, I was going through some papers on Thursday and came across our divorce decree, so I told him that I thought we should talk about "us" because we're going to be divorced a yr in just a couple of weeks. He had called me a few weeks back after being in CA for 2 months and he told me how much he loved me and that he really missed me and our pets i.e. "home". It made me feel loved for the first time in a long time because I heard the sincerity in his voice. Well, when I asked him about "us" on Thursday, he said "I think I want to be single and see other people". I was stunned. I told him that you' have been telling me that you wanted us to work through and reminded him of the comments above that he'd only made a couple of wks since. He then told me that "I don't want to be married". I was floored because things really had been improving, or so I thought. THIS IS A HUGE ABOUT FACE.

 

Where he's living in CA is a total dive, and the first time I saw it I felt sorry for him, but it was only to be temporary and looks it, believe me. A futon, a couple of tables that his computer's on and that's it, so it doesn't cost much, but we're not out of the woods with our debt by atleast a yr or so. I wouldn't live in a dump like that for a minute, but it was only to be temporary while he was in training at the new job.

 

Anyhow, I'm so devastated with this sudden change of attitude that my emotions are getting the best of me. One minute I'm fine, and the next I'm hysterical.

 

I felt so hurt by his words that I shot off an email to him that night, and he read it the next morning and told me he was so upset that he threw up all night but that "he can't help how he feels". He said he'll still pay the condo rent til I can pick it up. (I'm so mad that I might drag that out for while just to benefit me for the spite of it)

 

I sent two more emails to him after I read his and told him that I don't want to see him or talk to him anymore and not to think he could ever come back, because I'm done and to live his life and do whatever and that he's hurt me enough and I couldn't live this way anymore.

 

I've been letting him drive my Acura because we didn't have the extra $ to get his old blazer fixed, but after that I used the credit on my shop auto care acct to fix the truck and told him to bring my car back to me immediately. He was due to come back to see this wkend, but a mtng got changed, so he was coming back next wkend. I told him to come back between specific work hrs and call my cell when he got to my shop, and I've have an employee do the key exchange so I wouldn't have to see him. I want to see him, but I'm so hurt I'm afraid of how I'll react if I see him face to face after what he said to me.

 

My dilemma is that I have always loved him, and I guess that is why I forgave for his indiscretions. I never really wanted to end the marriage, but I did to show him how serious I was and to shock some sense into him. On the one hand, I think it did. He was VERY upset about it and has been faithful since. I had installed spyware on his computer, so I could see if he was communicating to any women, and he hadn't been. Now this.

 

I haven't heard from him since the last 2 emails because the computer I sent them to are at his work, and he probably won't see them til Monday. I'm sure he will respond, and because of our mutual debt we have to stay in touch, but I told him only by email on his pay days. Not that it matters, but I don't want him to have access to me or think he can play around and that I'll be there this time. I'm tired of hurting.

 

Either way, I don't have anyone to really talk to and I'm having a really hard time with this. Talk about love/hate; it's making me crazy, but after he told me that I told him I never wanted to see him again and would never take him back, but the way I'm feeling, I think maybe I need to be in the psyche ward!

 

I feel like my thoughts are scattered and all over the place, so I hope you can follow this.

 

Would love some help getting through this.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm sorry things are so scattered but I'm a bit scattered about this as well. Your divorce order should have parcelled out the debts between the two of you negating any need to stay in touch and work them out between you.

 

What am I missing here?

 

Regardless, he's clearly unreliable and unavailable. You need to truly "divorce" yourself from him financially. That will end the ties and any need for continued communication which, from what I read, has done nothing but hold you back emotionally.

[SLC]

First of all, thanks for the quick reply. I didn't expect that, but am thrilled to know I'm not talking to the wall and there's real human on the other!!!

 

As far as the bills and how they were divided, it's his bills that he pays and mine; I'm supposed to pay, but I hven't been able to, so he's been covering it for me and is still planning on it. Whether it be from guilt or not, at this point, I still need him to make those payments.

 

I had started a business and until May I was almost in a position to cover my debt as laid out in the decree, but some issues came up that set me back, so he's been covering my share. I had started a new business, I'm a florist, and those always take awhile to get off the ground. I've put every penny I made back into the business to get it to this point, and in about 2 months won't need his help with any bills, but have til now, and him likewise. He went from a 6 figure income to 3 jobs at minimum wage; so that where we got really entangled.

 

If he's willing to cover my living expenses right now and his too, I'm going to take him up on it until I don't need that anymore. I already am so burned that I don't need him, but that doesn't make the emotional bomb he dropped on me hurt anyless, you know?

[Curmudgeon]

OK! That makes it a great deal clearer.

 

When the day comes that you can finally disengage from him my best guess is that you'll experience a profound sense of relief.

 

After that, the rest should take care of itself.

 

Welcome aboard!

[SLC]

Yes, finally being financially independent and able to do what I want and when and having money again is going to help me feel much better.

 

I guess my issue is one of the heart, because even though we are divorced almost one yr now; we never really quit living like we were still married. Until Thursday and combined with his 5-10 calls to me daily and the "I love you and miss yous" he told me til Thursday, it lead me to believe that we were going to work this out and get back together. It wasn't my imagination that we had talked about remarrying, so something has happened in the last 2 wks since I saw him, and I'm just floored.

 

The only conclusion I can draw from "I wnat to see other people" is that he's met someone or is thinking about looking for someone to see. So why still pay for my expenses if that is the road he's chosen.

 

No matter what, it hurts, and I'm tired, so I'm really trying to cut off all my availability but am having trouble with my emotions. Any suggestions on that?

[tinke]

sorry to say SLC, but from my own experience and amazement (might i add)......that sudden change of heart meant............someone else!

 

mine was too cowardly to come out and tell me, ignoring my contacts, and running.

 

weeks later, i was informed very briefly that there is someone he is IN LOVE WITH!

quite bizzare!

 

so, it may be wise to mentally prepare yourself, if that is the case. being LD, makes it even more convenient for him to distance himself. not an excuse though!

 

sorry you are going through this, i am sure you are left in a daze...questioning.

try to take care of you now.

 

are you interested in reconciling if possible? have you asked if there is someone else, i know not an easy question to ask. or are you simply just that hurt by his change of heart and know you want nothing more with him???

[SLC]

Thank you for the understanding.

 

"that sudden change of heart meant............someone else!"

 

This is my guess, and I am devastated by it. When I emailed him after he told me this, I really drew my own line in the sand. Since 1994 I've always been there for him, and his move to CA was and basically still is, only temporary which is why all his stuff is still here where I live. I think he is just chasing another skirt, but I'm tired of that and the pain it causes me, so in answer to your question "are you interested in reconciling if possible?" we were working towards that and both of us talking about getting remarried as recent as just a few wks ago.

 

"have you asked if there is someone else," No, because I was too taken aback by him saying he wanted to see someone else in the first place, then I just was overcome by anger that he could lead me on like that. I did email him 2 other times (but I don't think he's read them yet or he would have replied I feel sure) and told him that it was over and to not think he could fall back on me again.

 

Ofcourse, from one of his replies, he does intend to leave his stuff here and continue paying rent as long as his stuff is here and until I can pay atleast half the condo rent or all; whichever comes first. That also sends a mixed message, don't you think?

 

But the bottom line is that I am very hurt. I went to his little apt a couple of wks,and it doesn't have a/c. It was soooooo hot that I had to take cold showers several times during the night and so there was no way either of us was in a mood for sex. But he was going to come back this weekend, but now I think he didn't because of this desire to "see other people" and most likely it was a lie that he had to go to AZ to do a demo, and if so he sure played the story up for about 3 days in a row. See, he calls me 1st thing every morning; several times throughout the day, and every night 2-3 times before going to bed. So I have every reason to be shocked at this "sudden change", because it was from one day to the next.

 

I am in a daze. I can't explain it any other way, and my emotions are like a yo yo right now.

 

Part of me really never wants to have anything further to do with him and that is certainly the message he will get when he does read my emails, but there is a part of me that doesn't feel that way at all and that is why I don't want to see him or talk to him on the phone, because he'll know that and I'll fall apart and it will just make this rejection that much worse for me.

 

Thanks again for replying. I just need someone to talk to. He's been my life and I don't have any family I'm in contact with. Just the people that work for me, and they're trying to be very supportive, but I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now and completely alone. It can't get much worse than that.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm so sorry slc. but right now it's like you got stockholm syndrome. You need to let this guy go. From what you wrote this was emotional abuse you put up with for a long time. What kind of man doesnt sleep in the same bed as his wife. Granted if she's 400 pounds it's kinda hard to sleep next to a mountain. But overall.. Within time you'll detach and you'll feel better about getting on with your life.

 

I'm sorry. I feel sad for you. but you can do it on your own and find a better man that's gonna treat u right.

[SLC]

Hi Chrome Barracuda!

I'm sorry, but I don't know what stockholm syndrome is. What is it?

 

No, I'm far from 400 lbs. and have always been told that I'm beautiful, but I have never been stuck on myself and don't see me the way other people do. He probably only wanted me for my looks now that I think of it. A few yrs ago I had some health issues and was put on meds that caused me to from a size 2-4 to a 20-22; but I'm back down to a 14/16 and still working on losing, but still that shouldn't matter. Apparently it does to him though based on a snide comment he made to me the other day because I had to postpone buying a treadmill I'd picked out. He really got pissed, and here I am thinking "hey, I have bills I need to pay 1st i.e. lights, phone, etc..." and that can wait a few wks.

 

Anyhow, when I originally said that I shouldn't have married him, it was because almost from the beginning he pulled that stunt about couldn't sleep with me next to him. Heck then, I was so tiny, he could pick me up and move me if it was that inconvenient! I really should have not given him another minute of my time, but instead I gave him all those years.

 

Emotional abuse? I guess so. He sure isn't loving, I know that. I know I'll be better off, but it's hard working through it. That is why I was glad to find this. I really need some type of outlet to help me through this.

[SLC]

I'm flipping around in here reading some of the other folks personal stories, and so many people going through so much just makes me wonder what in the heck is wrong with society?

 

All the cruelty and people just stepping all over others feelings leaving the rest of us to pick up the pieces.

 

The world has just turned upside down it seems. Just my 2 cents!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hi Chrome Barracuda!

I'm sorry, but I don't know what stockholm syndrome is. What is it?

 

No, I'm far from 400 lbs. and have always been told that I'm beautiful, but I have never been stuck on myself and don't see me the way other people do. He probably only wanted me for my looks now that I think of it. A few yrs ago I had some health issues and was put on meds that caused me to from a size 2-4 to a 20-22; but I'm back down to a 14/16 and still working on losing, but still that shouldn't matter. Apparently it does to him though based on a snide comment he made to me the other day because I had to postpone buying a treadmill I'd picked out. He really got pissed, and here I am thinking "hey, I have bills I need to pay 1st i.e. lights, phone, etc..." and that can wait a few wks.

 

Anyhow, when I originally said that I shouldn't have married him, it was because almost from the beginning he pulled that stunt about couldn't sleep with me next to him. Heck then, I was so tiny, he could pick me up and move me if it was that inconvenient! I really should have not given him another minute of my time, but instead I gave him all those years.

 

Emotional abuse? I guess so. He sure isn't loving, I know that. I know I'll be better off, but it's hard working through it. That is why I was glad to find this. I really need some type of outlet to help me through this.

 

Nice to know. You've come to a cool spot.

 

Stockhom syndrome by my idea of what i know. It is when a hostage in a long term hostage situation starts to sympathize with their captors thus negating the idea of being held in bondage. I just said that because it's like your sympathizing with someone who has held you back.

 

Detach and move on. Your not that big you know 14/16 is middle size. if he has a problem with it, that's his problem. Sometimes you just cant fix people. They have to fix themselves.

[mammax3]

This is a terrific outlet, SLC. And the process just has to be worked.

 

I'm here, reading, even though I don't always have something to say - you're not talking to a wall.

 

Keep typing it out.

[SLC]

"I just said that because it's like your sympathizing with someone who has held you back."

 

Well if I'm doing that, I'm not even aware of it. But I think this is a healthy place to post. So many others are going to things equally, if not worse, than me so I don't feel so alone. That doesn't make my hurt any less, but atleast I know some have already gotten through theres or are a lot closer to being better than before.

 

Hello Mammax! Yes, I plan to keep typing. I have to. I've got to somehow get a grip on this as I feel like I'm all over the map!

 

Thanks for the welcome!

[SLC]

Chrome, I guess I never really thought about this even being emotional abuse,but I was just reading what it is a few minutes ago, and possibly that is exactly what I've experienced. He is so self-centered that if it isn't about him, it's not important. Until Thursday, and it would have continued had I not brought it up about the status of us, he tells me all his issues without ever asking me about mine.

 

I've been playing this in my head over and over, and I think had I mentioned to him that our divorce would be final a yr in 2 wks, I seriously doubt he would have said anything; rather just acted, because how would I know, but I did mention it and that is when he actually said to me, "I'm horny and haven't done anything about it, but I want to see other people." I was shocked.

 

Something I hadn't mentioned that also factors in this whole this what I call a sex addtion. This spyware stuff showed screen shots and all the websites, etc....that he'd looked at and there were hundreds of them daily. I was only looking for emails, but I found that and so that explains why he would come home, turn on the tv, then at 8:00 or so tell me that he was tired and go to bed. What he really did was go look at porn and not even try to make love to me. All these things caused me to divorce him, so I must be somewhat insane to have feelings for him like I do.

 

FYI: the emails I sent him give no hint of what I'm sharing with you here. For all intensive purposes, they state we're done permanently, which is why I sought this board out. I really need to keep my distance and stay strong. Believe me when I say that is hard for me to do with our pattern unless I have an outlet to bounce my thoughts off of.

[LakesideDream]

SLC, I read and re-read your posts. There seems to be a continuing thread running through them. You don't seem to be willing to "own" any of the problems in your marriage.

 

"You probably shouldn't have married him, but you did", He's paying the bills, You are willing to have him do that because you have had some "set backs". He lives in a tiny uncomfortable shack cause it's cheap, and continues to pay for you to live a a much more habitable place. You became Michelin Man sized, but you are doing better now, (no fault of yours?).

 

Sounds like there are problems a many to go around. He's a "self centered mama's boy", yet he is supporting you a year after the divorce.. with no legal responsibility to do so. Frankly that doesen't add up to "self centered", that a pretty generous act.

 

SLC, your ex husband is probably no peach, then again you don't sound like much of a pear either. Why not just let him go so he can do all those things that you don't like, without upsetting you? If you are just hanging around for his self centered generousity, aren't you being just as disengenuious?

[SLC]

and it is his problem this whole sex thing. I found emails where he had posted an add on craigslist describing himself and that he liked to give oral and pleasure you. He wanted to dress up and do naughty things and was well endowed.

 

Honestly, the first time I saw that, it make me sick to my stomach. His emotional unavailabity combined with the knowledge I had from the spyware really has caused me to withdraw even more and feel even worse.

 

When we were in the dating days, he used to buy me thousands of dollars of Victorias secret lingerie to do what "Dress Up" in and the sex early on got very mechanical because it was so routine. That is actually when I started complaining, but when I saw that email with that subject line, it took me back to when he did that to me, but I didn't realize all this time that is his "motus operandi".

 

I think I'm a mess.

[LakesideDream]

and it is his problem this whole sex thing. I found emails where he had posted an add on craigslist describing himself and that he liked to give oral and pleasure you. He wanted to dress up and do naughty things and was well endowed.

 

Honestly, the first time I saw that, it make me sick to my stomach. His emotional unavailabity combined with the knowledge I had from the spyware really has caused me to withdraw even more and feel even worse.

 

When we were in the dating days, he used to buy me thousands of dollars of Victorias secret lingerie to do what "Dress Up" in and the sex early on got very mechanical because it was so routine. That is actually when I started complaining, but when I saw that email with that subject line, it took me back to when he did that to me, but I didn't realize all this time that is his "motus operandi".

 

I think I'm a mess.

 

 

In the "Dating Days" as you call it, your ex bought you thousands of dollars of lingerie, for you to "dress up" in. Ah... that's a pretty common kink. Not abnormal by any stretch. If you didn't like it why did you continue dating and eventually marry? That's what "dating days" are for. To find out if you have common grounds in a realtionship, to get to know each other, kinks, warts, and all. Ditto, "The sex became mechanical". It was your choice to continue the relationship.. you were DATING. The Craigs list thing is not good. It's always a bad idea to go outside the marriage, nothing good about it.

 

Again, what problems did you bring to the relationship.. what do you own?

[SLC]

Well, I can certainly see why you would think that. I'll be quite frank here. I'm so distraught that I'm really probably not explaining the whole thing all that well.

 

"You don't seem to be willing to "own" any of the problems in your marriage."

 

I know it takes two to tango, and I'm certain there are things I could have done better, but I have been working from the vantage point that he's been deceiving me all along and being dishonest with me even when he swore he was telling me the truth. I got caught up in the confusion of it all.

 

"You probably shouldn't have married him, but you did" Yes, and that is the truth. There are some traits of his that I really love. We had some problems in the dating stage because he was always negative and complaining, and I was the opposite; upbeat and happy. I tried to comfort him during a lot of this, but eventually it overwhelmed me. I went to church and he didn't, and that became a huge obstacle. However, I DID LOVE HIM which is why when he agreed to a compromise that we both agreed on such as accompanying me on that, and I agreed to do some things he liked, I agreed to marry him because I thought it would all work out because of compromise. I WAS WRONG.

 

"He's paying the bills, You are willing to have him do that because you have had some "set backs". Yes, I am willing to let him do this now because in the past when he had some "setbacks" I covered him for over 2 yrs. after things went sour with his job and he had no money.

 

"He lives in a tiny uncomfortable shack cause it's cheap, and continues to pay for you to live a a much more habitable place." He and I continued to live together after our divorce because we wanted to. In the past, everytime we had a fight he'd threaten me with divorce as leverage, and I got tired of it, so when he did it the last time, I filed instead because I was tired of him doing that to me. When he got that studio, it was because he was only going to be there for another 90 days then he could work from home (here) and his plan was to return here and work from here. Then after 30 days, the employer wanted him to stay another 3 months, so he got the studio and continued learning the ropes. He was not planning on being away from me for that long and lived here too, so why not pay.

 

I agree its generous of him to continue to pay, but before that, he needed a place to live as well and opted to continue living with me. That is the primary reason he was originally paying for this place.

 

"You became Michelin Man sized, but you are doing better now, (no fault of yours?)."

"Sounds like there are problems a many to go around. He's a "self centered mama's boy", yet he is supporting you a year after the divorce.. with no legal responsibility to do so. Frankly that doesen't add up to "self centered", that a pretty generous act."

 

I have no idea what you mean by "Michelin Man Sized", but as for doing well, I've gone without pay for 3 yrs to get this business to a point that I could carry us "as a couple" and during that time I've paid many of his expenses when he couldn't. I don't quite have the business where I need it to be, but I'm no more than 8 wks away. He hates my business and everything about it, but I was still going to use the money to support us so he wouldn't have to work one of the 3 jobs he was working until his friend in CA helped him get this job. I don't think I've been self-centered if that is what you're implying.

 

"SLC, your ex husband is probably no peach, then again you don't sound like much of a pear either." I never said I was perfect, but I haven't been deceiptful or dishonest with him ever; unlike him with me.

 

"Why not just let him go so he can do all those things that you don't like, without upsetting you?" I don't really think I have a choice in the matter. It would upset any normal person to find out the person they were with was living a whole other life, don't you think? So much of what I've found out hasn't been that long ago. The rest of the time he had convinced me it was behind him, and I believed. I was wrong, but I'm not holding him hostage nor have I ever been possessive. I don't think it's wrong to expect fidelity and honesty with someone.

 

"If you are just hanging around for his self centered generousity, aren't you being just as disengenuious?" Since I just was told two days ago about his plans, I'm feeling a whole range of emotions, and getting even is just one of the feelings I have, but its not something I'm really acting on. He offered to continue to pay the rent as he does have MOST of his belongings here, and if he wants to ease his conscious by doing so; at this point, that is fine by me.

[SLC]

In the "Dating Days" as you call it, your ex bought you thousands of dollars of lingerie, for you to "dress up" in. Maybe so, but it got old and I stated so.

 

Ah... that's a pretty common kink. Not abnormal by any stretch. Not abnormal by whose standards? It was fine for awhile the dressing up, but when it got to the point that I was nothing more than a sex object, it got boring for me. I have men friends and they think his obsession is definitely NOT normal. It's not about dressing up. It's about what he does to the women he wants to do this for him.

 

Every man I'd ever been with my entire life tried to get me out of my clothes because they were aroused. He apparently can't get aroused unless the woman dresses up. That is the part I missed.

 

If you didn't like it why did you continue dating and eventually marry? You're kidding right? There were other reasons besides sex that we were together and other things we shared that caused him to want to marry me and me to marry him.

 

That's what "dating days" are for. To find out if you have common grounds in a realtionship, to get to know each other, kinks, warts, and all. Absolutely!Don't you think we got married with the intent of it lasting? I know I did, and I thought he did.

 

Ditto, "The sex became mechanical". Yes, but we both had serious feelings for each other and it was hard to toss it away at that time. It's been hard now. It was your choice to continue the relationship.. you were DATING. And it was after we made some compromises to work out our differences that we got married. I guess we both believed then that it would work out. The Craigs list thing is not good. It's always a bad idea to go outside the marriage, nothing good about it. Well, he's been going outside the marriage for a long time and promising me he'd never do it again WHICH I BELIEVED. I NEVER WENT OUTSIDE THIS MARRIAGE, AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE PLANNED TO DO SO THAT HE TOLD ME BEFORE AND ENDED INSTEAD OF LIE YEAR AFTER YEAR AS IT TURNS OUT HE HAS DONE.

 

Again, what problems did you bring to the relationship.. what do you own? I didn't bring problems to the relationship. I had a good job, was living on my own supporting myself and trying to be a good, decent human being. I was pretty happy and carefree and going to school doing a double major. I'm not the kind to lie and cheat, and all I wanted was a good relationship. What makes you so sure I need to own any of this. I'm not a pervert, but he obviously is. Being kinky is one thing, but being destructive is another. He floored me 8 months into our marriage (NOT ONCE DURING THE DATING) with a fling with our neighbor. That is when I learned of his other side.

[SLC]

Lakeside, do you know how it feels to love someone and have them withhold affection whether you screw their brains out or not? Because I do. He didn't really do this until after we got married, but even he admits he polluted me from the person I used to be to what I am now and is sorry for it.

 

Maybe I'm not understanding what you mean by the problems I "own", but I didnt' bring garbage from previous relationships into this marriage and I was VERY much into him. I almost feel like you're attacking me, and that isn't what I came to this board for.

[LakesideDream]

Lakeside, do you know how it feels to love someone and have them withhold affection whether you screw their brains out or not? Because I do. He didn't really do this until after we got married, but even he admits he polluted me from the person I used to be to what I am now and is sorry for it.

 

Maybe I'm not understanding what you mean by the problems I "own", but I didnt' bring garbage from previous relationships into this marriage and I was VERY much into him. I almost feel like you're attacking me, and that isn't what I came to this board for.

 

 

Hmmm.. struck a chord eh? As for your question to me. The answer is yes, I know. I suggest that you read some posts I have written or contributed to. It gets old typing them out.

 

Every one brings "garbage, or baggage" into every relationship. To say you didn't doesen't have the ring of truth. And.. no person can "pollute" another unless the one being "polluted" chooses it.

 

"Owning" problems is taking responsibility for the negetives you bring to the relationship. Of course, if you are "baggage free" that wouldn't apply to you, would it?

 

I am not attacking you, I am suggesting an alternative point of view. Often things are not obvious, a dispassionate angle on the situation is sometimes helpful.

[SLC]

"Hmmm.. struck a chord eh?"

Yes, because I'm VERY hurt by all this that I'm going through right now. IT WAS ALL UNNECESSARY.

 

"Every one brings "garbage, or baggage" into every relationship. To say you didn't doesen't have the ring of truth." Well if you must hear garbage I believe in God - he doesn't. I don't like Harley's - he does. He says "SLUTS ARE GOOD" and praises them - I was raised to be a lady. IS THAT GARBAGE ENOUGH FOR YOU? You won't get any more of a "ring of truth" than that. I AM NOT A SLUT, TIT SHOWING PIECE OF TRASH, and if that is what I have to be to keep my marriage, well NO THANKS!

 

So if I brought a problem into this, it was that I wouldn't sacrifice my values to do things that I was uncomfortable with. I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out.

 

BUT I HAVE BAGGAGE NOW THAT IS FOR SURE, AND NOW I DON'T THINK I'M FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE EVER AGAIN AFTER WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH.

 

TO IMPLY I I CHOSE TO BE "POLLUTED" IS NO LESS THAN CRUEL ON YOUR PART. Do you feel better now?

[SLC]

Lakeside, IF you can't say something helpful, DON'T SAY ANYTHING FURTHER.

 

I'M ALREADY BROKEN DOWN. I DON'T IT FROM YOU.

[LakesideDream]

That makes sense of a lot of what I have been reading. Obviously the two of you are not well matched. Your ex doesen't sound like someone I would want to associate with.

 

I would be willing to bet "the big bucks" that you and I would be good buddies if we met in person. You sound like a "lady", and the reality is there aren't many of you left. Frankly I am always amazed at the quality of the women who post at LS. It's universally higher than society at large.

 

I know what it is to be in a relationship where everything you do is wrong, or at least not good enough in your SO's eyes. I know there is no worse feeling than being overlooked, ignored or taken for granted.

 

I was in a relationship like that for 25 years. I let it happen. I thought it would be better when the children arrived. I thought it would be better when they were off to school. I though it would be better if we moved to a new area she wanted to live in (a friend lived there), I thought it would be better when the kids were grown and out of the nest. I was wrong.

 

It never got better. I have often described my 25 year marriage to friends as 3 good months, 6 good weeks, and maybe 50 good days. That was it. Oh and did I mention she cheated, mostly with the same guy for 23 of the 25 years off and on? And... to rub it in, he was the guy she eventually left with. I know about feeling lower than whale dung.

 

This isn't the start of my Pity Party... it's just info for you. I do understand what you are suffering, as much as a man can understand a woman. It ain't pretty, it is what there is.

 

It took me a long time to "get over it" and frankly I will always be bitter. Yours is a long difficult road, but you will see it through.

 

My goal was never to "break you down", my goal was to get you talking. All the luck in the world to you. Seriously!

[Gunny376]

Lakeside, IF you can't say something helpful, DON'T SAY ANYTHING FURTHER.

 

I'M ALREADY BROKEN DOWN. I DON'T IT FROM YOU.

 

Ahhhhhh! HELL NO!

 

You're "rolling" with Lakeside, Lady Jane, Mz Pixie, a4athe tha"Gun's", Mr. Reality and Mr. ""Murphy" ~ himself! JUST TO NAME A FEW!

 

Amongist us? We're keeping it for REAL!

 

I get "checked" at the front entrance of LS everyday! EVERYDAY someone calls me out and sets me straight! Shows me another point of view!? Tells me something that I didn't know? Didn't want to hear?

 

I get told from time to time? "You know what Guns? You're full of it!"

 

And you know what? I take that and learn from it, grow from it!

 

I realize your in a world of hurt right now! Take what you can from here and use it. What you can't make use of? Can it!

 

When you're azz is in a sinking lifeboat, you bail water with whatever is at hand! If that's a syrup bucket full of s*** ~ so be it!

 

Lakeside is being hard on you because "he's" been through some hard times! He knows, as do I! And we both know that its hard on you! "Life's" hard and it comes at you fast and furious! Its even harder on those that are ignorant. Both Lakeside and I have been there!

Both of us have been ignorant! (We just "didn't know!)

 

We're passing that knowledge on ~ to you! If that comes across as harsh ~ its because life is harsh!

 

If you're looking for sympathy?

 

Look it up in the dictionary!

 

Because be it on LS or on the street, that's the only place you;re going to find it The time to get real about your life? Is right here and right now!