Trying to move on - advise needed

[mememe]

Well, it's been about 3 months since my breakup. We were together for a little over 3 years and broke up because he was confused about our future together.

 

After 2 months of no contact, I sent him a breif e-mail yesterday asking how he's doing and to exchange some of our stuff that we still had at each other's place. He e-mails back telling me how this break up is still extremely difficult for him and how much he misses me. There is no mention of exchanging our stuff.

 

Our friend was performing at a club yesterday and he asked if I was going. I told him I wasen't sure and I told him to call me if he was going. Well, he ended up calling to let me know he was going. When I told him I might not, he seemed disappointed. I did ended up going and saw him briefly., It was good seeing him.

 

My question to the men on this board is, why would he tell me how the breakup is so hard on him when he was the one who ended things. Why would he tell me how much he misses me. I don't know if he wants to get back together. Is he regretting his decisions?

 

I just don't understand.

 

Also, in the first month of our breakup, I did tell him how hard it was and how much I missed him. It is still very difficult for me. But I just don't express it to him anymore. I stil hope that one day we can be together again. I just feel that he needs time to work things through with work and school. I think he needs to grow up and mature a bit more. I also don't understand why he doesn't want to exchange our stuff. He lives about 50 miles away and comes to my neighborhood once a week to see his other frineds. He can easily bring my stuff and we can meet somewhere to exchange our things. But whenever I bring it up, he keeps putting it off. He says, once day he'll pick his things up. But it's been more than 3 months. What is he holding on to.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "My question to the men on this board is, why would he tell me how the breakup is so hard on him when he was the one who ended things. Why would he tell me how much he misses me. I don't know if he wants to get back together. Is he regretting his decisions"

 

A break up hurts, whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. It doesn't matter. It hurts in different ways for both but it is nevertheless painful. The person initiating the break up has to be courageous in doing so for the good of both. He or she may love the other but see too many roadblocks to a satisfactory relationship. Often it has all to do with the psychological state of the dumper and absolutely nothing to do with the dumpee.

 

He's probably not regretting his decisions but he probably feels very sad that all the conditions required for a fulfilling relationship did not exist, on his part anyway.

 

Don't live your life around the thought of getting back together at a later time. It could happen but the chances are excellent it won't. People don't totally break up with people they feel they may have a future with. It may make you feel good right now to think something may happen in the future...but take it from somebody who's been there many times....reconciliations rarely occur in cases like this.

 

Try to heal and move on the best you can. Concentrating on this guy will not be productive for you. And you are best not to contact him anymore.

[pinkroses]

hanging on to your stuff with the thought it keeps the two of you connected? Once all the stuff is given back, a tie is broken. I've been there, I know how that feels. Whatever the reasons are for breaking up and no matter who does it, it still hurts and you do think of the person you are estranged from for a long time. I left my boyfriend in January. For the first month and a half after that I missed him and felt deep sadness and we e-mailed back and forth several times. I still felt the need to be in contact for a while and I'd tell him how I felt sometimes.

 

But then came the anger. Now when I think of him I just feel angry. I don't write unless it's something specific I need to know from him. I don't include any sentiments. I don't miss him anymore either. I know I made mistakes in the relationship too, but he and I both know he really didn't meet me halfway at all. I still have that question in my heart of why, why why. The difference is now, I don't care anymore. Sure, I care about him as a person and I'll always remember the love I had for him, but I have NO desire to ever be hurt by this person again. My heart is through with him, and saving its love for someone who wants and values it, if such a person exists.

 

It all just takes time.

 

Take care.

[Just A Girl2]

Yep, I agree w/ pinkroses about him not making any attempt to exchange each other's belongings........like with a lot of people, in his mind, as long as you remain still having each other's stuff, there's still a tangible connection there....and if all else fails, one final 'reason' to see each other.

 

Just because he was the one to end things doesn't mean he couldn't be having regrets about it. Sometimes people just need time, and time apart, to really appreciate what they had and to reassess the relationship. It's entirely possible that he longs to get back with you (i think the fact that he sounded disappointed when you told him you might not be going is a sign here), but maybe just hasn't got a clue as to HOW to go about it. He might feel very badly for ending things, and is "afraid" to bring up the topic of trying things again, afraid of being rejected, afraid that you've lost interest, etc.

 

If in your heart you still care a lot for him and do wish to one day get back together with him, try to keep the lines of communication open and take things one day at a time.

 

And also, depending on how adept he was at expressing his deep feelings about things, it might just be hard, these past couple of months, for him to figure out HOW to express his feelings to you/for you......maybe fearing that he really screwed things up.

 

If he's still in your heart, like it sounds like he is, just take a deep breath and follow your instincts. Maybe drop him a quick email and let him know it was nice to see him again, and how did he enjoy your mutual friend's performance..just make some small talk, nothing too heavy......doing so could really make him feel free to let you know how he feels..and for you to get back on the road to communicating. I wish you both the very best.