scottydog Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 For those of you who have ever said "I'm not ready for a relationship" to another person, was there something that happened to you that made you change your mind or was it a slow progression that one day you woke up and felt that you were ready? When you said you were not ready, was there a particular reason? (ie. just got out of a one recently) And one last question, despite saying you weren't ready for a relationship, were you ever exclusive with one person and did things like someone would do as if they were in one (ie. hold hands, talk on phone, continue seeing each other despite being long distance, telling your family about the person you're dating, etc.) Link to post Share on other sites
DOA Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 For me, "I'm not ready" = "I'm not ready with YOU". Link to post Share on other sites
jcster Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 For me, "I'm not ready" means that I'm not ready for the responsibility of a relationship - that I don't have the energy to care about another person's happiness. For me, it's because of my divorce and all the re-adjustments that come with it. I have a feeling that I will just "wake up" and be ready one day. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 If it is early in the dating game, the first couple meetings, and someone says they aren't ready for a relationship, BELIEVE IT. If it is after you've been dating a while, and things were progressing quite smoothly prior to it...they were either FORCING themselves to move on from a past hurt before they were ready, or they are just using it as an excuse because they are too immature and lack the balls to say "I like you, but I don't think we are the right people for each other. I'm just not feeling it." Can you explain your situation more? My ex used this on me ("I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship") after 6 months of dating -- and maybe there was some truth to it, considering her ex proposed to her 1.5 weeks before our breakup (unknown to me of course) -- and I was pissed, because she was emotionally ready to tell me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry just a month prior. It was true, in that she was not ready, considering she hadn't severed ties with her ex, but I took it to mean 1 thing: "I don't love you and never will; you're not the guy for me." Sadly, when I told her "what you are saying is you don't want a relationship with me, that your feelings have changed and I am not the guy for you. If that is how you feel, just say it, it's cool." She wouldn't. Quite confusing. Nonetheless, if I've been dating someone a month or two and things were going well, and they pull a "I'm not ready" I take it to mean "I don't want YOU." If it is within the first couple dates, I believe they are being honest and are still grieving a past relationship or some other trauma in their life. Link to post Share on other sites
LN99 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I think if a person says that they "aren't ready for a relationship", they are either super busy and have no time, had a bad past experience which made them lose their faith in relationships and just not want to deal with them, OR they just don't "feel" anything for the person who is wanting to pursue one with them. It could be a combo of all three of those things also. Usually that is a negative sign if you hear those words from someone. If they really wanted to be with you, they would do so no matter what. If distance is truly a factor, maybe they just aren't a big fan of LDR's but are keeping you in mind if that situation changes.? Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I think if a person says that they "aren't ready for a relationship", they are either super busy and have no time, had a bad past experience which made them lose their faith in relationships and just not want to deal with them, OR they just don't "feel" anything for the person who is wanting to pursue one with them. It could be a combo of all three of those things also. Usually that is a negative sign if you hear those words from someone. If they really wanted to be with you, they would do so no matter what. If distance is truly a factor, maybe they just aren't a big fan of LDR's but are keeping you in mind if that situation changes.? I've been thinking about this a lot and I agree with LN99 on the first paragraph. I think it's possible that points 1 and 2 separately or combined can make someone think point 3. I'm not convinced that when you really want to be with someone, you will no matter what. It's somewhat vague and for people who are really busy or have limited faith there's probably a question of "How much of myself do I have to give for it to be being together?" The couple of times a week we spent together while we were dating were stress factors for me and I assume for him too, because when we were together, we were TOGETHER. The stress for me came before or after because that time together took time away from other things. It's time where we're not working on work, homework, housework, life chores like paying the bills, grocery shopping, time alone with other friends and family. For people who don't live together and work full time, time really can be a factor. My ex is in school half time while he works full time. I work at my job at least 65 hours a week and I'm always behind. I usually have to work at least one weekend day a week just to keep up. These aren't excuses, but there are only so many hours in a day! My place was a pigsty when we broke up because that was what the responsibility that fell away for me. If I had to guess based on the last week and a half, I'd say time alone was a factor for my ex. He needed more time to himself to get things done and maintain his sanity. He needed it more than he needed to be with me. I'm not sure that's a bad thing. It hurts like hell. Yeah, He's home alone every night of the week. I don't like thinking he'd rather be alone than be with me, but no matter how I look at it it still comes off as honest and grown-up. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra-Girl Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I think if a person says that they "aren't ready for a relationship", they are either super busy and have no time, had a bad past experience which made them lose their faith in relationships and just not want to deal with them, OR they just don't "feel" anything for the person who is wanting to pursue one with them. It could be a combo of all three of those things also. I have to agree with LN99 for the most part, exception is the last part. The first part rings true - i.e. School, School, and more School (all in different countries and continents, so doesn't make for great relationships because the partner always felt I only gave 20 percent to him and focused too much on school). The second part - experiences, I had great relationships with men that only brought doubts and mistrust in men once the relationship was over.... i.e. divorced without me knowing of any previous marriage, one had children without telling me, one was a deadbeat dad, another lying about age and education, and another simply conducting childish acts like the silent treatment that you wouldn't expect from grown men. The exception part is, if I don't feel for someone, I simply say that 'we aren't romantically compatible". This way the other person won't have hopes that some day I will come around to liking them in this way. Link to post Share on other sites
LN99 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Yeah school is a big factor in my life right now. That is why I'm single and choose to be. I barely even have time for myself. So, I felt bad when I had to turn down someone who was interested in me, but I only felt I was being fair to him. He said he understood I was busy and still wanted to try, but later got angry because I never had time to even spend time with him...or even just hang out(and we weren't even in a relationship). So, that right there proves that I am in no way ready for a relationship because when I get into one, I want to give it my all. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I've said that when I was really not interested in the person but I've also said it when I really liked the person but didn't feel ready for anything. I said it to my husband when we first started dating because I was recently separated from my ex. He told me not to worry and that he understood. He said we could just be friends since it seemed like I needed one. I think part of me fell in love with him right after he said that. Anyway, we did end up falling in love. Next month is 13 years since we met. We've been married a little over 12 years now. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Things were different back then. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Oh shut up, Johannesburg. Scotty, there's no real answer to this question. I mean sometimes you just have to take a person at their word. Speaking for myself, at the time I told my H that I wasn't ready, I meant it. But things can change and for me they did. I just decided that I was ready to take a chance and move forward even though it was really soon after my separation. I'm not that clear on your situation, but maybe it's the same for her. Maybe her head is telling her one thing but her heart another. It's up to you whether you want to further invest and take a chance that she will be ready one day. Is she worth it? Only you can answer that. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 For those of you who have ever said "I'm not ready for a relationship" to another person, was there something that happened to you that made you change your mind or was it a slow progression that one day you woke up and felt that you were ready? When you said you were not ready, was there a particular reason? (ie. just got out of a one recently) Any time I've said then, assuming it's not because I'm really not attracted to the guy, it's been because I've had an inkling that they want to jump quickly into a very couply "do everything together" situation. I've got to be majorly into someone to want to see them several nights a week, whereas I get the impression that with some people they just want that boyfriend/girlfriend situation and they don't have to be particularly passionate about the person they have it with. Maybe they're just looking to recreate the situation they had with a previous partner, or the relationships they've seen their friends/family members have. It can be off-putting if someone presents as having a very a fixed idea of what a relationship should be and expects partners to just slot into that relationship model rather than developing something unique and natural feeling together. This is why I'm a great believer in the "friends first" thing. If there's sexual chemistry, friends will soon start giving eachother signals - there's no law against friends flirting, after all - and progress it into something more. For me, sex is what kicks it off as an actual relationship assuming that's what both parties want. It's a big factor in breaking the ice, getting the two of you in a comfort zone and just being able to chill out together rather than always going on more formal feeling dates. Several years back, a male friend of mine was really interested in this woman who simply wasn't ready for anything due to having broken up with a boyfriend. He held off, and just kept things friends for several months. The two of them are very happily married now. That old "once you're in the friend zone, you don't get out" motto doesn't hold much water in reality as far as I can see. Not unless you're in the friend zone purely because the person doesn't (and will never) find you attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 The only time I've ever used it is when I haven't been ready for a relationship. Why soft-sell anyone unless you plan to lead them on, if you're going to keep dating them? At least whomever is involved, has the ability to make a conscious decision, whether they're ready to put up with it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Izzy B Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I would say that to a guy who I just wasn't into, and completely not interested in, but spending time with him to fill the void until I met someone who I really WAS into and interested in. "I am not ready for a relationship" is universal code for "I'm Just Not That Into You." Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 For me, "I'm not ready" = "I'm not ready with YOU". Bingo... nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Again, the women who say it means what it means are the types of women who are UPFRONT and HONEST about their emotions from the get go. I wouldn't classify you as a rare breed, but there are other breeds. Other women will say it after dating a couple months, and say "but who knows what will happen, it might just be bad timing" and continue to date the dude knowing he is interested in more...until someone else comes along. It does happen. If a girl says it on the first date or two, I'll believe her. If she is saying it on the 10th, I tell her "if you aren't feeling it or don't think we are right for each other, just say it. No need to soft sell me." Now, if a girl says it right away, and I can tell she is still flirting with me, I'll buy it as her just letting me know where her emotions are. Maybe 1-in-3 are upfront though, which means I need to be more selective with whom I date . Link to post Share on other sites
maynard Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 i have to take issue with the "im not ready for a relationship = im not into you" sentiment here my girlfriend told me this a few months ago. we had become best friends and shared our feelings for each other and dated for about a month or so. she had gone through a break up of an engagement and just simply wasnt ready. it really depends. i thought it meant that she was just letting me down easy and wasnt into me. but she was telling me the truth. she was into me all along, but could not commit Link to post Share on other sites
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