Setting boundaries with controlling parents...how?

[loquaciousl]

I am a 29 year old teacher, (female).

 

My problem lies with my relationship with my parents.

 

First, some background:

 

On paper, we were an ideal family, well to do, and my parents instilled within myself and my three siblings, good work ethic. Since I can remember, however, condescension, criticism, and the like have permeated the family. For many years, I made excuses for this behavior, as in, there must be something wrong with me. There were times I remember going to school with black and blue welts on my backside from the belt. My parents have been on me since I was skinny (140 pounds at 5'6) about my weight. I weigh more than that now; at one point I was 215 pounds. Since then I have gotten down to 185. In May of this year, the day after my birthday, my dad laid into me, calling me fat, saying one of my legs was the size of his, that I had fat rolls....my mom chimed in by saying I "smell like a fat person" and that guys just want to be with me to "f--k" me and that I limiting my options. Now, I understand CONCERN about my weight. But at one point in this particular conversation my dad yelled in my face and told me that I shouldn't come home again until I lost weight. After this particular conversation I didn't talk to them for over a month...three months later I talk to them occasionally but every time I do I get guilt trips about why I haven't called more, why I haven't made an effort to see them. My dad goes on to critique choices I make, saying, "I'm not too bright," and the like and lays into me. He emailed me recently after I inquired to them their ideas of a healthy relationship and said that "family comes first," yet they don't call me AT ALL. Or if they do, I'm laden with more guilt trips and condescending thoughts, like "You must be busy. You must be up to something secretive." Gimme a break!

 

Recently (three months ago) I got into a relationship. I didn't tell my parents about this guy for a bit because they say stuff like, "You're just desperate and needy," or "you must just be f---ing him," and things like that. I have purposely been vague about this person because I feel their judgmental ways cloud my perspectives sometimes. This particular man treats me well and is patient with me and for all intents and purposes we have a great relationship. Yet for the past month I have been feeling depressed about my relationship with my parents and very anxious. This in turn clouds my relationship with my man (who lives 100 miles away) and sometimes I am not easy to talk to/be around because I am moody. Last weekend I got on the scale and saw I gained weight. I flipped out because I thought I was seeing my parents soon and basically had a meltdown because I knew they would say something or be judgmental.

 

Point is, I want to snap out of this funk I'm in. I don't want to screw this relationship up b/c I am feeling crappy about myself. I am feeling angry towards my parents because I am realizing that how they've treated me for years, calling me stupid, mediocre, fat, lazy, and white trash (when I'm educated, have my own place, little debt, a great job, and my own car) is wrong. I feel these bursts of anger which in turn lead to depression. I've even talked to my bf about breaking up because I can't stand feeling how I do and our relationship is too new for me to be all upset all the time.

 

I see a therapist and it helps some...but at the same time I feel dead inside sometimes. And that scares me. What should I do.

[Curmudgeon]

I learned long ago that as an adult I don't have to permit anyone to hurt or belittle me.

 

The first thing you should do is understand and accept the fact that your parents are toxic. You were NOT an ideal family. Ideal doesn't include mental, physical and emotional abuse. I understand that it's much more comfortable to think you were than to face the reality that it really wasn't so but that's something you need to explore with your therapist.

 

My wife's mother is completely toxic and always has been. Until last week when she was hospitalized, I hadn't seen or spoken with her for about nine years (my wife and I have been married 11) and my wife, her only child, had kept her distance for about seven years. Neither of us are going to subject ourselves to her narcissistic judgmentalism, stinkin' thinkin' and insults. We don't have to. We're adults. She can only affect us in any way if we permit her to, and we won't.

 

I really would advise not just keeping your physical distance from your family but greatly limiting all forms of communication. Above all, don't tell them anything about your personal life. Doing so adds nothing to it and detracts much from it. You'll simply continue to be their target!

 

Best of luck.

[gman0hsev]

I agree with Cur anything that is that toxic to you can not be good for you. It may seem rude but I suggest telling your parents how miserable they are making you and tell them you do not want much contact with them unless they change their ways. They most likely won't but I think that you would feel better if you atleast tried.