6 months pregnant w/th MM's baby...

[youlive&youlearn]

Just to make a long story short.. Me and MM have been together for a lil over a year now.At first we saw each other all the time,whenever he could find the chance,he and I would be together.The physical chemestry we had/have was like nothing else ive had before.I never bothered asking him much about the W but I did ask him why he was messing around on her,and later in our relationship if he would ever leave to be w/th me.He claims that he loves me and his W and that he could not see himself leaving but who knows what the future may hold.Said that he wants to be with me "forever" and all that other BS MM feed us OW.

 

We soon became very close in those first few months of our Affair..he tells me he loves me everyday and that I am the "only" OW in his life.

 

Eventually I became pregnant.....I told him once i found out (took the test) and he was happy/excited. He opened up a savings account for me and the baby,talks about baby names,what he would like to name the baby,rubs my belly,says he will be there for us,acted like he cared you know?? ..Everything seemed fine........up untill now.

 

Now i am 6 months pregnant and things are starting to change...he is acting very distant..backing out on our plans,hardly calling anymore,still asks about the and if " the baby is moving",says he loves me and still seems happy about me being pregnant...BUT I hardly see him anymore...we had plans to celebrate my b-day over the weekend..and he stood me up.I called his phone several times and a women picked up...I asked her who she was ,and she asked me who i was and whom i was calling for...i told her that she should know who im calling for,and that no that wasn't her phone..she told me it was and said i must have the wrong phone number...so i pressed re-dial and sure enought it was MM's number!

 

Much later that evening I finally got ahold of him (called from a different number) and he told me he was taking his kids home and that he would be on his way in a lil bit..i asked him about the women who picked up and he said i must of dialed a wrong number (what the f*** ever!) so of course like a fool i waited and as usuall he didn''t show up.Didn't even bother calling me and letting me know he couldn't make it.So yes i am hurt and confused...he has stood me up numerous times before...I went out of my way and made sure he had a good birthday (his birthday was this week also) so i just don't understand why he would want to do this to me...then again how could i be so dang nieve....of course he would do this to me because he does it to his W and lord knows how many other women.

 

He is avoiding my calls..yet he loves me?!?!?

 

I asked him before if he was seeing someone else or if he was acting shady because i am pregnant and he denies it..says that he loves me just the same as when we first met. As far as I know W dosn't know about us or me being pregnant with his child.I am tempted to call (his number is listed) and tell her everything....is that selfish of me?? I mean shouldn't she know that he got another women pregnant??? I love this man though and i don't want him to be furious with me..I should of known better..i so want to call him and leave him a message and tell him im filing for CS.. but what good would that do?? would only raise he** and i want him to be there for this child.....from the way things are looking/heading he want.

 

He knows this crap stresses me out ,he even said himself that äll the stress i have is not good for the baby,,,,WTF? so why is he acting like he dosn't even care??? I have lost my appetite,can't sleep,and he goes about everything like I shouldn't have a care in the world.

[IpAncA]

He's not leaving his W and the women that picked up the phone was his W.

 

Doesn't sound like he's going to be a part of it. So I'd make sure you get child support from his sorry a**. If his W doesn't know she'll know then.

 

And yes your right his W deserves to know what's going on if she doesn't already.

[BestAdvisor1]

A decent person would not feel sorry for you. You should have thought about it first before hooking up with a married man. How would you feel if your future husband (asume you have one since you got a baby by a married man) did the samething to you this MM did to his wife.

 

Do you have any decency or conscience?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is acting like this now because reality is setting in. Before, it was a sweet fantasy filled bubble that affected no one but himself. Now he is seeing that the bubble will burst and this pregnancy and resulting child will cause collateral damage to his wife and his children. I expect he feels torn about your baby. I'm not sure why you would expect him to be happy about it once reality set in. A baby born from an affair from the MM's point of view is not the same happy event that a planned child born in wedlock is for him. On some level, I'm sure he feels something for your unborn child, but right now all he can probably muster is guilt and the idea of an eighteen + year financial and emotional obligation that will come at the expense of his own family. He stands to lose big time because of this - financially and emotionally. I expect he feels bad for even feeling that way - after giving you the impression that he was happy about it, and is distancing as a result.

 

You will have to understand this one fact: your affair as you knew it with MM is over. It will never be the same again, so you'll want to put aside any concerns you have with 'does he love me' and start thinking in terms of how you are going to handle single parenthood.

 

So.. what do you do? You'll want to do what is best for your child.

 

By getting a paternity test, and filing for child support you will have to accept the possibility of MM and his W getting visitation. In some cases, MM and W will sue the OW for custody. Sometimes W and MM agree on NC with both OW and child, and MM becomes a 'check in the mail' father while offering no other support whatsoever.

 

Some OW simply take the child, move away and raise the child as if the father was an anonymous sperm donor.

 

Some OW continue the affair while raising their child, basically agreeing for MM to have an affair with the child just like he is having an affair with her: the child becomes just another secret, something to be hidden. I do not suggest this option. I cannot think of anything sadder than a child trying to understand why he/she has to be kept a secret, while MM's "real" children get legitimacy and legal protections.

 

I think whatever you do, you'll want to have a good support system for yourself. Perhaps some counseling to help you get through this and help you make the best decision for you and your child.

[youlive&youlearn]

I don't expect ANYONE to feel sorry for me...I know what i am doing is wrong..and I am suffering because of that.I just felt like venting....sometimes that helps..or who knows maybe someone who has been through a situation like mine would be able to relate or have some advice?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I don't expect ANYONE to feel sorry for me...I know what i am doing is wrong..and I am suffering because of that.I just felt like venting....sometimes that helps..or who knows maybe someone who has been through a situation like mine would be able to relate or have some advice?

 

I DO feel sorry for you YLAL. Its not going to be easy bringing a child into the world that you thought was borne out of love and dealing with your confusing feelings for MM. I also think its sad you cant share this happy time with the father of your child, share the excitement of something you made together. But it is HIM that is backing out of this.

 

Can I ask, did you get pregnant unexpectedly or did you plan it with MM?

 

You have to figure out what is best for you AND your child now.

 

Focus on the practicalities. How will you support your baby? Will you ask MM for financial support? If MM does not want a part in your childs life, are you ready for the feelings that will bring you? Can you deal with them?

[confuseddd]

Hi ,

 

I understand your situation. I haven't been there, but I understand about venting and the last thing you need here is judgement. Unfortunately, that is what you will get here!

 

I think it is so cruel when people tell you what "you should have done" etc. That is IRRELEVANT at this point! You are in the situation you are in and you can't change that. At least you are reaching out for help.

 

I think I would pursue the paternity thing as well. You deserve to have some financial help with this child. AFterall, it takes TWO to do this!

 

Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for!

[Marielle]

I don't expect ANYONE to feel sorry for me...I know what i am doing is wrong..and I am suffering because of that.I just felt like venting....sometimes that helps..or who knows maybe someone who has been through a situation like mine would be able to relate or have some advice?

 

Hi...all I can say is that I am in the same boat as you. I am 3 mo pregnant and it is really difficult managing all these emotions that we go through.

I posted a thread a while back, and got very good advice and support, but some posts where filled with judgement and anger and that is the last thing you need in this situation. You need support and advice, not ppl telling you what you SHOULD have done in the past.

Overall the best I took out of this board is think about yourself, the baby and do what is best for you now...no matter what.

PM me if you are able to, so we can talk in private if you want.

[IpAncA]

Hi...all I can say is that I am in the same boat as you. I am 3 mo pregnant and it is really difficult managing all these emotions that we go through.

I posted a thread a while back, and got very good advice and support, but some posts where filled with judgement and anger and that is the last thing you need in this situation. You need support and advice, not ppl telling you what you SHOULD have done in the past.

Overall the best I took out of this board is think about yourself, the baby and do what is best for you now...no matter what.

PM me if you are able to, so we can talk in private if you want.

Are you seeking support? Just curious.

[ladybug63]

NOTHING SAYS RUN for a mm than the thought of a child while having an a.

The worst thing you can do is call his w. I am dealing with a situation now just because I said I would tell the w. You might want to consider that before acting on your emotions. Right now you are just angry because you feel he is ignoring you.

And I know women do not like to be ignored.

After you tell the w believe me he is not going to want to be with you. Remeber you called his w. So unless you are willing to loose contact with him you might want to think about it.

[Marielle]

Are you seeking support? Just curious.

 

THe support is for the OP, I got mine as I said very clearly, but...thanks (?)

[IpAncA]

Okay...I was just asking. I didn't read your thread.

[Green]

hmm he doesnt really care.... u just need to get child support, and move on and enjoy being a single mother...

[scaredinlove]

I am very sorry for your situation, really.

 

He act like he cared first but now he is just being a a*** . You should let him know how you feel.

 

Don't let him run away from his responsability if you have too take him to family court and get the child support.

 

Sorry for all you are going thru, hopefully he is jsut scared and will turn around, and don't call his W, it will only bring more confusion. She will find out sooner or later but let him tell her.

 

Good luck.

[Green]

yeah but shes just as much to blame it takes two too make a baby. And she shouldnt get in the habbit of publicly calling him an ass for the sake of the baby

[MrsHellnoFire]

Now i am 6 months pregnant and things are starting to change...he is acting very distant..backing out on our plans,hardly calling anymore,still asks about the and if " the baby is moving",says he loves me and still seems happy about me being pregnant...BUT I hardly see him anymore...we had plans to celebrate my b-day over the weekend..and he stood me up.I called his phone several times and a women picked up...I asked her who she was ,and she asked me who i was and whom i was calling for...i told her that she should know who im calling for,and that no that wasn't her phone..she told me it was and said i must have the wrong phone number...so i pressed re-dial and sure enought it was MM's number!

 

Isn't this the common problem with new daddies? Honestly, practically all of them get cold feet.

 

One thing I would be concerned about would be my safety. This is because he's asking you if the baby is moving???? WTF? Sounds like he's hoping for a miscarriage. I think it might even be dangerous to be around him if you ask me. It is apparent that he IS having doubts and second thoughts. You better be strong and be prepared right now to raise this child on your own. I would tell the wife before he wants to shut you up permanently.

[SoxPrincess]

A decent person would not feel sorry for you. You should have thought about it first before hooking up with a married man. How would you feel if your future husband (asume you have one since you got a baby by a married man) did the samething to you this MM did to his wife.

 

Do you have any decency or conscience?

 

I'm really starting to think this board needs a separate area for support in situations such as these; that are moderated..where people who are just going to judge and make hurtful statements will not be tolerated. Whether you agree or disagree with the OP's situation or you think she is a horrible person for what she has done, she is reaching out, venting and asking for advice. I think her situation is stressful enough without having to hear stuff like this.

 

OP, I'm terribly sorry that MM is treating you in the manner that he is. Unfortunately, it's not surprising as most MM's feed OW's lines of BS to get what they want and then end up running for the hills when things get serious or in your case, pregnant. I'm not sure why his feelings changed, but it's quite obvious that they have. Maybe he thought you wouldn't keep the baby or didn't think of how much his life would change and now that he has, he's turning and running.

 

I know that you love him and care for him deeply, that's obvious in your post; but the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby right now is to put him out of your head. I know it's tough, especially because he seemed so supportive of you in the beginning, but not eating, not sleeping and being under such stress is not good for you or your baby. Take the steps that you need to get child support because no matter how he feels about the situation now, that is his responsibility. I am a firm believer in telling the W, not for selfish reasons but because she has a right to know..especially since he has children in his marriage; they are about to have a new half brother or sister. However, in your case, I would refrain from talking to the W now for a couple of reasons (1) no matter how you try to justify it, right now it looks like you want to tell for selfish reasons especially since he is treating you poorly and that's NEVER a good reason to tell the W. and (2) telling the W right now is going to cause your stress level to go through the roof; especially if she doesn't know and this is a huge bombshell. The last thing you need right now is to have all that fighting, yelling and discord going on in the last 3 months of your pregnancy.

 

Please stay strong, take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, file for child support and do the best you can to put him out of your mind until he decides to act maturely and take responsibility.

 

Best wishes to you.

[justfine]

I don't expect ANYONE to feel sorry for me...I know what i am doing is wrong..and I am suffering because of that.I just felt like venting....sometimes that helps..or who knows maybe someone who has been through a situation like mine would be able to relate or have some advice?

 

 

I do feel bad for you; I can only imagine how difficult your situation must be. Best thing I can think of is for you to accept the reality that the MM is not going leave his wife for you. Figure out what you can do to improve your life. Perhaps, you can put your child up for adoption. There are plenty of couples out there that would love the opportunity to provide a loving home.

 

Or if you decide you're going to keep the baby, consult with an attorney for child support.

 

Maybe you can take some comfort in knowing that your situation serves as a cautionary tale to the OWs on this forum. Perhaps, it will give them the courage to end their adulterous affairs and begin to feel empathy for the betrayed spouses.

 

And just to put things in perspective, the pain your MM's wife is feeling right now is likely to be much more painful than yours.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[Impudent Oyster]

Ugh. It just angers me to read about selfish and careless people (the MM and the OP) who don't have the common decency to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

 

The MM will probably not want anything to do with you or his child, the wife will wish she were dead for all the pain this is going to cause her and some lawyer will make a few bucks when you hire him to sue MM for child support, and you'll be a single mom whose child's father is married with other children who will always come first. There's a very good chance that MM will have nothing to do with the child he was too irresponsible to prevent from conceiving.

 

What's your question? You want this loser for keeps?

[Impudent Oyster]

..i so want to call him and leave him a message and tell him im filing for CS.. but what good would that do?? would only raise he** and i want him to be there for this child.....from the way things are looking/heading he want.

.

 

Okay, I've vented, just know that I have no sympathy for any woman who makes a choice if she accidently (was it unintentional? it doesn't sound like you did anything to prevent a pregnancy) gets pregnant.

 

Your choice not to use protection, your choice to have the child, I suspect you'll choose not to put the child up for adoption, that said;

 

Why wouldn't you file for child support? Have you not discussed whether he's going to support this child? Is he planning on telling his wife?

 

Damn right you should file for CS! Who's going to support the baby? Don't you think that's an important conversation to be having?

[CAT100]

I'm really starting to think this board needs a separate area for support in situations such as these; that are moderated..where people who are just going to judge and make hurtful statements will not be tolerated. Whether you agree or disagree with the OP's situation or you think she is a horrible person for what she has done, she is reaching out, venting and asking for advice. I think her situation is stressful enough without having to hear stuff like this.

 

 

Yes I agree. The thing is that THIS section is meant to be for the OW! A place where the OW can come for support, not bashing. There is NO POINT telling this OW that she made the wrong decision etc etc.. Because its already happened! So she needs advice about how to deal with the situation! Because she is in it NOW!

I really think the mods should come & have a look at this section because it is bound to be scaring newbies away- as they come here for support form others in a similar situation but all they get is moral preaching and bashing

[OWoman]

Hey yl&yl,

 

sounds like a rough road ahead for you. I've been a single parent too and it's pretty tough at times, but it also helps keep you focused.

 

Right now you have to consider the baby as well in making your decisions. You might be happy - or at least willing - to put yourself through emotional hell for this guy, but when you start seeing the effect on the baby you'll be tough and take a stand.

 

I don't know what the laws are in your country, but he should have to pay support for a child he has fathered, so at least you shouldn't have to worry about the money aspect. For the rest, though, don't count on anything. Count only on what you know you can rely on - yourself. Anything above and beyond that is a bonus - but also only accept that on your terms; what's good for you, and good for the child.

 

Strength.

[reboot]

Ok, what the two of you do or don't do is entirely between you, and my opinion would probably be less than constructive here. My grandmother always told me, if you make your bed hard, you still have to lie in it. And hey, you're both adults, if you make stupid decisions, you're the ones that have to live with them.

 

BUT

 

Him paying child support is not about YOU, and it's not about HIM. It's about the CHILD. I get sick of hearing about women who let a man off scot free for whatever reason. The CHILD deserves to be taken care of as well as is possible. It's YOUR responsibility to make sure that happens to the best of your ability. And if that involves raking his butt across hot coals to make sure he supports his child, then that's what you have to do.

[pjean]

i have a child with mm and it isnt getting any easier. he totally supports us so i dont have to squabble with him over child support. he is a loving father...but, it is all a big secret and it is killing us both (mm and me). he loves his youngest child and i know he is torn everytime someone asks him how many children he has now, everytime he sees any of his relatives, no one is able to enjoy our child from his family and it tears him apart. i do not forsee things getting any better when our child begins to ask questions... i fear the only solution is for my mm to tell his w about A and child...but, i dont see that happening. pregnancy is hard enough being alone, but it gets harder when you get to look at the man you love everyday in your child. even when i am hurt or mad at my mm for whatever reason our child just smiles his smile and it makes it difficult to be angry. i wish i had an answer for you... many people say go find another man... well, when your heart is tied up in love with one man it is impossible to even think of being interested in someone else. try and stay healthy, take it one day at a time, and remember the only one who is completely innocent is your child...

[BestAdvisor1]

and remember the only one who is completely innocent is your child...

 

Not true. His wife is innocent and so are his other children. The out of wedlock child is going to have that "title" and so are your name, character and reputation being stained forever as well.