How many times do you go back befor you give up?

[confusingsituation]

Hi Everyone.

 

I just posted this in breaking up but now i'll post it again here.

 

About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend of 4.5 years decided to call it quits. I am completely devastated and it took me 3 days just to get out of bed after it happened.

 

His reasoning was that he could not see us getting married. He said at the time that he loved me but not enough and would give me no other reasons as to why this was occuring.

 

I begged with him to reconsider as (I thought) we had a very loving and compatible relationship.

 

The next day he called me and said he was confused, that he didnt know what he wanted and that he needed some space and time to think. I decided that I would have very limited contact with him......basically just enough to get me through.

 

On saturday we agreed to meet up. When I saw him I just burst out crying. I love this man more than anything even with his faults. We went for a drive and he told me that he wants to work on it. He says he has his own issues and he needs me to make some changes if this is going to work but that he loves me, misses me and is in love with me. He says he wants to make plans for the future with me now.

 

This has happened once before - approximately one year ago. We broke up for 2 days and then he begged for me back saying he had made a horrible mistake.

 

So my question is - how many times do you take someone back before you have to cut your losses and walk away from the situation. I do very much love this person with all my heart but I am scared that if he can walk away so easily twice that he may keep doing it again and again. I dont want to live in fear that we end up married and he leaves me when we have children etc. Plus I have a very protective family and they saw how badly this affected me and now they absolutely hate him, this worries me as I am very close to my family and their support means everything to me.

 

help please I am so confused!!

[lazer1743]

I don’t know much about this guy but it sounds like he is starting to cause you more pain than pleasure. Even if you do stay together your bond of trust has been bruised...... if not broken. I think the main kicker for me would have been when he said that you would need to make some changes in order for this to work. If this is working out for you then GREAT, do not change a thing..... but I would say if it happens one more time then tell him you need a co-pilot in life......... not a passenger with luggage.

[mikefromnc]

If you guys have been together that long and he really is commited to trying to make things work, have you considered couples counseling? It's not just for married people. I find it very helpful to have an impartial trained professional on hand.

[DH27]

it sounds like he is willing to work on things, so he is not just dumping you. you need to ask him to think about what he really wants in life. to think about his life with you and his life without you. then go NC for a little while. i guarantee he will find out his life with you is much better than his life without you. he is just taking you for granted right now and needs a wakeup call to see that you are very important.

 

i was this guy before. i needed a wakeup call to see that my ex was my world. it took me about 3 weeks to figure it out, but in that time she had already moved on from me. and i am left to try and pick up the pieces that i broke. give him some time to see that you are his world.

[marsbars]

I agree with DH27. I am the same guy that got a wake up call. Only mine is much more complicated. 12 years and BAM! I want a divorce. And we have a child. But now things have turned 180 and we are going to start couples counseling.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think there's a min/max limit for the number of times you take someone back. More than anything, how committed do you think this man is? Is he reliable for the big decisions in your future together?

 

You decide if his inconsistency is sufficient for your needs. If you don't feel he's all in, you know what to do about it. While it may hurt now, better now than when your lives get more intertwined and you need to rely on him.

[confusingsituation]

Hi

 

Okay so last night I called him as I was getting more and more confused. He technically says we are still together he doesnt want to be with anyone else but just needs to keep some distance.

 

He says he still needs his space. I told him that if this was an extended break-up then to leave me alone, he got mad and said to me not to keep asking him that, that he wanted to work things out with me but he just needed space and time to decide what he wants in his life....

 

I am getting really confused, if he really wanted to work things out with me wouldnt he be doing everything in his power to try and work it out - not pull away from me? I cant help but start to think this man is using me with limited contact to try and get over me and will just put the nail in the coffin in a couple of weeks time when he is over it.

 

He hasnt told his family or friends what is going on, and has invited me out for his sisters birthday on Saturday night - he said that it would be a stepping stone to sorting things out between us.

 

I am just very confused - can anyone help with deciphering all of this??

 

Thanks

[rcaliguy]

he may just simply need time to sort things through. the fact of the matter is that you two still talk. he hasn't quit on you cold turkey. sometimes we just need to crawl into our caves and think about things before we make irrational decisions. me for example, i was living with my gf of 3 1/2 years and one day simply moved out. it's been three weeks now and whoa have i woken up from whatever slumber i was in. she was the best gf EVER and i took so much for granted. i now regret moving out as we are no longer together but it has taught me an important lesson. i'm 25, (26 next month) and i've taken a really hard look as to what i want out of life. i was confused and wasn't sure what was going to happen. we had talked about getting engaged soon...but i simply wasn't sure. i now know exactly what i want. it's been the hardest three weeks of my life. i initially just wanted to die, literally. the pain was just too much. since then, i've visited my therapist a few times and have sorted out a lot of things. i'm now more focused on life and my happiness. i've taken this time alone to reflect on myself and sort things out. if i had stayed with her the same way as before, i would have been in the same rut. i now know for a fact that i want to marry her. like your family, her's is protective as well. even so, i still talk to her mom and her brother. even they've helped me sort out things. sometimes we as men have to realize what we want out of life. some of us just want to date until we're old and gray. and others like myself, are confused only to wake up one day like you've been hit by a bus saying, "holy crap, *pointing finger, that's exactly what i want!" all the things that we had talked about before weren't fake, just a bit uncertain. i'm now 110% sure of what i want.

maybe he's figuring himself out right now. give him time and you will see...you'll be happy and so will he that you gave him time to sort things out.

[buckdawg]

He says he still needs his space. I told him that if this was an extended break-up then to leave me alone, he got mad and said to me not to keep asking him that, that he wanted to work things out with me but he just needed space and time to decide what he wants in his life....

 

big ups to you for saying this. you're right! you don't deserve to be jerked around...doesn't mean you don't still love him but you got to look out for yourself too!!

 

i'd take non-committal approach..don't necessarily cut all ties but don't go overboard either. if he doesn't realize how good he has it then he's a mental midget and you don't want to breed with him anyways.