bish Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 I'd be lying if I said I'm surprised how this thread is going but I'm not. If it's too much which IMO is, then toning it down shouldn't be a problem nor a crime. No, but making the poor guy out to be a clingy 3 toed sloth and seen as an annoyance should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 The guys are being a bit harsh but I see their point. If he did change you would probably complain that he was neglecting you. I have been there before and trying to walk the tightrope in order to find the exact perfect balance that would make a woman happy is no fun. Most of these guys have been there and that is why they are reacting the way they do. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 You should probably expect him to be offended at best. Logically I really do understand what you're saying, but coming from the woman I love I'd be hurt. I'm not saying this to try and stop you from doing it, obviously it's a problem for you and needs fixing, I'm just saying you need to be prepared for that reaction and ready to smooth it over somehow. Men are not as emotionally mature as women for the most part. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 I think you should just tell him how you feel. I worry for you that one day this stuff will piss you off more and more and you'll be annoyed to the point of feeling even more suffocated. Sadly, I have no advice for you as I've never heard a situation like this in a marriage... But, I guess just be honest - In a loving and caring way...I just don't have a clue how the heck you tell your spouse " I love you, but you telling me too many times you love me is starting to mean less and not make me feel special. The kissing thing is wonderful but again, it's too much." Not too sure how I would feel if my husband said those things to me...Maybe he'll be understanding and won't be too hurt. Sorry though that you are feeling suffocated by his affection for you. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 No, but making the poor guy out to be a clingy 3 toed sloth and seen as an annoyance should be. Guess I missed that part. But asking to tone it down is fine. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Being late is a little different than my situation. That's who she is...a late person. I understand my H is a loving person, but he only was with me, no previous GF, so its not like this is how he is and i have to deal with it. Its how he is with me because he loves me so much. So then it can be fixed if this isn't his nature? It might be 'how he is' and you might have to deal with it. Just like it's your nature not to be super-affectionate, it could be his nature to be super-affectionate. Like a chronically late person, it seems to come naturally to him to be super-affectionate since that's how he has been throughout your entire relationship. And, since you're his first and only relationship, you actually have no idea that this isn't 'how he is'. He could be that way with every woman he loves, although, of course, you have no frame of reference because of his lack of experience. It's tricky to talk about, though. It's not like you can tell him you feel disrespected (like with a person who is always late) or that you're hurt or neglected. I've given this some thought, and it seems like anything you could say is likely to hurt his feelings at least a little. I think it's best to turn the spotlight on yourself. Say something like you grew up in a less overtly affectionate family, and you're worried that you might not be affectionate enough for him. Ask him if he feels like you pull away, or are sometimes cool when he's being loving, or if he feels he's a lot more affectionate than you are toward him. Then tell him that you are used to and comfortable with a lot less loving attention from a partner, and that you revert to that behavior sometimes, and you see that BOTH of you need to come to a happy medium that you're BOTH comfortable with... That's the best I can come up with. Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 talk to him. He kisses you, take a breath, make a joke and then talk to him about the difference between continuous over-the-top sexual attention (like you get) and the warm emotional intimacy that can come from affection. I doubt that you are cold, especially if you loved him enought to marry him. It sounds to me like you want to grow into more than just warm wet kisses. Maybe instead of sharing 15 minutes of spit-swapping, you could tell each other good-night fantasies for 15 minutes then pick a night when you can make them all come true. The mental/emotional/erotic side of your physical relationship could grow into something that gets you in the mood for kiss-fests. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 There are more than enough women on this thread that say the same thing. Smothering is no good and should be fixed. Why are you just trying to contradict just to contradict and not actually see the problem here? You know, FREAKIN, you and I agree on one thing. I wouldn't want to be in a "smothered" relationship - it doesn't sound like very much fun. However, I thought that was the purpose of dating, courtship and engagement, giving one time to decide on your "29 levels of compatibility" (or whatever eHarmony calls it ). I still don't have no FREAKIN clue why, feeling the way you do, you married a man that smothered you from day 1 to the point of annoyment (made-up word)? Clue me in... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted September 26, 2007 Author Share Posted September 26, 2007 You know, FREAKIN, you and I agree on one thing. I wouldn't want to be in a "smothered" relationship - it doesn't sound like very much fun. However, I thought that was the purpose of dating, courtship and engagement, giving one time to decide on your "29 levels of compatibility" (or whatever eHarmony calls it ). I still don't have no FREAKIN clue why, feeling the way you do, you married a man that smothered you from day 1 to the point of annoyment (made-up word)? Clue me in... Mr. Lucky But it wasn't annoying in the beginning, it was sweet and loving (mostly b/c my ex showed me NO attention) So now I find this guy who thinks I'm his world and its great! But too much of anything, your going to get sick of it. And that's what happened here. Everything is wonderful when you first are exposed to it. Take the Angus burger from Micky D's I ate it sooo much, that I can't even smell it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 You were a big help. Thank so much for the advice. I'm going to talk to him tonight. This quote is from Monday. Did you ever talk with him? Grumbling about him on an anonymous message board only goes so far. At some point...if you haven't already, I think you will need to discuss this with him. Have you decided how? Take the Angus burger from Micky D's I ate it sooo much, that I can't even smell it anymore. Not to be picky...isn't that a sandwich carried by Burger King? Or does McDonalds have one, too? But too much of anything, your going to get sick of it. And that's what happened here. When we first get married, we all have quirks that bug us. These annoyances can actually build up to such a resentment that couples divorce over them. Successful marriages involve open communication about these major and minor annoyances. Once we know about them we can resolve them. I am pretty certain that if resolved, then this will be one of the issues that you will laugh about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted September 26, 2007 Author Share Posted September 26, 2007 This quote is from Monday. Did you ever talk with him? No i have not....but i am. I was still getting some good feedback here. Have you decided how? I think so. I'm going to tell him, I know he loves me and I love all the little gestures, But slowly its starting to lose its meaning and I don't want that. Sound ok? Not to be picky...isn't that a sandwich carried by Burger King? Or does McDonalds have one, too? Their doing a little promo only in NY with the burger, If we like it, they'll sell it at all micky D's...not really sure why...that's why you don't have it at a Mcdonald's by you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 But it wasn't annoying in the beginning, it was sweet and loving (mostly b/c my ex showed me NO attention) So now I find this guy who thinks I'm his world and its great! But too much of anything, your going to get sick of it. And that's what happened here. Let us know how your talk goes. One could speculate that there is much potential for hurt feelings given our easily bruised male ego. Hope it all works out... How long have you and your H known each other? How long have you been married? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted September 26, 2007 Author Share Posted September 26, 2007 Let us know how your talk goes. One could speculate that there is much potential for hurt feelings given our easily bruised male ego. Hope it all works out... How long have you and your H known each other? How long have you been married? Mr. Lucky Known each other for a little over 3 years, married for 14 months. I think its gonna be ok..... Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Well, yes, that's exactly what every one would say. If he beat her while they were dating and beat her while they were engaged, it wouldn't be much of a surprise if he beat her after they were married. She said he hasn't changed from the first day they were together... Mr. Lucky maybe they would say it to each other, but no one would say it to her. they would try to help...which is my point. i only used that as an example; problems in relationships do not have to include beatings or abuse of any kind to be a problem that requires help. one person's idea of a good, satisfying relationship is different from the next. just because some people would love the idea of a man fawning all over them doesn't mean every other person wants the same thing. how is it going, IHNFC? Link to post Share on other sites
theapathy Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Well...married for 14 months...everything is ok..except..he's sorta getting on my nerves lately. He loves me probably more than a person can love someone..and he shows it...a lot. I'm talking about 15 min long goodnight kisses...with a pause in between to look deeply into my eyes...its just a goodnight kiss...I'm not moving to Canada. I know what you mean... I used to love that type of thing from my Fiance, but now I can't tolerate it anymore, honestly, now I spend days that I don't talk to him just to have some air and space... He understands it now because things were getting really bad in our relationship due to all the clingyness, because there was no time for anything else that wasn't us... And don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY affectionate person, VERY, but even a person like me can get tired of a relationship like that... I can't imagine being married and having the guy around me everyday being like that and not letting me breathe after a long day... I NEVER in my life thought I'd feel smothered, because in the relationship I was before him, I was the one who was considered "clingy", now I understand that the guy just didn't love me, because I'm not clingy at all, though he tried to make me believe that 'cause he wanted out. Now that we do have space, when we finally get to be together it's far way better and sweeter, because I feel like I've had my time to miss him and think of the good times... He doesn't like it much when he knows we won't be together for most part of the week, but at least he knows that we'll fight less if he gives me space. I say, talk to him, don't wait until the fighting starts to let him know that although you love him very much, that you need your space too, that nothing's going bad in the relationship, and that simply that's the way you are. If he loves you as he claims to, he'll understand and he'll give you space. Just be extra nice with him the times you get to be snuggling up and such. Link to post Share on other sites
theapathy Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 oh, and yes, to those who liked my rectum-ring comment, feel free to use it anytime! Oh my, that rectum-ring thing cracked me up SO much I almost had a hernia!!! You funny! Link to post Share on other sites
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