Emotional vs physical affairs

[starlite]

So...I am in NO WAY thinking of having either. My bf is in NO WAY thinking of having either. I just wanted to state that just so we dont get the whole "Dont do it" posts coming.

 

So, my bf and I were discussing the difference between the two...emotional and physical affairs. I was saying how I personally think emotional affairs are more of a betrayal. He thought the opposite...he also thought that calling a 900 # would be an emotional affair (he is confused).

 

Is it a female/male thing?

 

I think emotional is worse because you are giving so much of yourself to someone else, confiding in them, opening youself up to them. I do think that many many many lead to physical but for arguements sake lets leave it an either or.

 

IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE...what would you say is worse...and please tell me if you are a man or woman.

[cj1988]

I think and EA is far worst than a PA anyday. You are correct when you say you are sharing YOU with someone and with a PA you are just sharing your body and sex, not the same. An EA is the worst form of betrayal you can ever encounter. It is the beginning to the end.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm a guy. All in all, I'd say the PA is worse. However, it's a bit like comparing apples and oranges.

 

In a PA, the person shares themselves physically with somebody else. They're doing things with that other person that they agreed or swore to only do with you. That's a betrayal.

 

In an EA, the person has long, deep conversations with the OP, tells them secrets, dreams, goals, fantasies, etc. that, usually, they don't feel comfortable (or otherwise inclined) sharing with their partner. That's also a betrayal.

 

If I found out my GF was having a PA, that would probably be it between us. If it was an EA, however... I don't think it would be so cut-and-dried. She'd have to stop speaking with the OM, and cut him out of her life. We'd need to go to counselling. But for whatever reason, if it was an EA, I don't think I'd immediately think of it as "crossing a line that can never be uncrossed". But I would think that with a PA.

 

Besides, chances are that an EA, left going long enough, will become a PA. I'd probably be able to see an as-yet "undeveloped" EA as a warning sign, wake up call, whatever, and something that can still be pulled back from the brink. Hence the distinction in my mind.

[Trialbyfire]

Either/or, I would dump him like a hot rock. If you can't remain faithful in mind and body, please feel free to exit the relationship because there isn't one...

 

Both sap from the primary relationship, whether the impact is while it exists or the aftermath of it.

[reboot]

Typically, women consider EAs worse and men consider PAs worse. I think both are just about as bad.

[JamesM]

I am a guy.

 

I think PAs are worse than EAs. As has been said, I would be more devastated by my wife having sex with another man than if she had a emotional connection with another man.

 

From what women say though, I should be more worried if she has the EA than if she had the PA. I don't know if this is true or not.

[IamASelfishSOB]

I'm a man. The EA would be worse for me. I think I could get over a purely physical affair although it would be an extreme blow to my manhood.

 

I have contemplated what would be worse for my wife and I'm not sure I know. I don't think it would matter, however I think that she may be more upset over a PA.

[solitude]

I think that a PA is worst, because if a woman has a physical connection with a man, she has to be emotionally connected.

 

But I think the worst is a PA with someone you fall in love with.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Having been on both sides of the fence, I'd have to say that between the two emotional affairs are worse.

[Moose]

They are equally wrong.

 

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[Cobra_X30]

I'm a guy

 

I don't think you can truely seperate the two. Even a completely physical affair has an emotional element that caused it, and an emotional affair also has a physical element, though it is unrealized.

[EnigmasMuse]

I'm a guy

 

I don't think you can truely seperate the two. Even a completely physical affair has an emotional element that caused it, and an emotional affair also has a physical element, though it is unrealized.

 

 

I agree with this. I also think both are equally damaging.

[milvushina]

If we say for the sake of discussion that they can be separated, a physical affair is worst. You have more control over what you do than what you feel, you know? I understand being confused about emotions and you can talk about it. I'm less understanding of a physical betrayal! I don't know if my mind would change if it happened though.

 

I'm female..

[halfarock]

I’m a man and I think that the whole idea of an emotional affair as being rather silly. There are two women in my life with whom it could be said we are having an emotional affair.

 

One is, except for my girlfriend, my best friend. We tell each other everything, even things that we don’t talk about with our SO’s. There is no sexual attraction and we are just friends. To say that we have an emotional affair would be the same as saying that two guys or two gals that were best friends were also having an emotional affair.

 

The other is married and in many ways seems to me to be desperate for a friend. And indeed, a co-worker of hers tells me that her husband forbids her from having any friends. We have a business relationship so seeing each other is never a problem. I am attracted to her and more than a few times others have told us that we must be in love because of the way we look at each other, but I don’t think so. We flirt and stuff but it is mostly playful and the emotions, on my part, are far less than with my girlfriend or my best friend, although they do flare up form time to time.

 

 

My girlfriend knows both of these women and the relationships we have. She has never shown to have a problem with it.

 

That said, in the past I have had sexual affairs with women who were married or otherwise in committed relationships. In every case I’m sure that it was unmet emotional needs that drove the woman to having an affair.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wouldn't call what you are having with these two women emotional affairs. If you were doing the same thing, but diverting 'girlfriend type' attention and time away from your girlfriend and putting it toward them and at the same time misleading if not outright lying to your girlfriend about your involvement with them (or if they were funneling away from their SO's and lying to them about you), then I would be more likely to say that they were emotional affairs.

[oppath]

I agree with Lucrezia. It sounds like you have good female friendships -- Halfarock -- and you don't hide them or the time you spend with them from your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is able to witness how you interact with them.

 

Now, if these were women your girlfriend didn't know existed, and you were going for drinks with them for happy hour while telling your gf you were going for drinks with coworkers or working late, and you were using the women to meet emotional needs lacking in your primary relationship though there was no physical interaction...then it would be an emotional affair.

 

Being emotionally close to other people is not an emotional affair; deceiving your primary partner, lying directly or by omissions, about your relationships with other women is!

[LakesideDream]

Some thoughts to consider. In current society it's a near Taboo for a man to show weakness to a fellow male. That means no discussions of problems for consensus or advice, no consoling opinions or emotions from fellow males.

 

The situation for ladies is exactly the opposite. Ladies are encouraged, even expected to discuss their problems and secrets with other women. The concept is memorialized in the popular culture by shows like Sex in the City, which always included the mealtime kibbitz.

 

This leaves men at a distinct emotional disadvantage, he is alone to deal with his problems on his own, OR... he can make friendship/friendships with and seek help from the only human beings available who posess the skills he needs to lean on. Females. This is almost universally unacceptable behavior unless the woman who he seeks is clergy, or old enough to be his grandmother.

 

I suspect that this is a major factor in the beginnings of most emotional affairs. I have no clue how to solve this enequity/problem either.

[bunny25k]

I personally can not handle either one. They are pretty much intertwine. I will leave the relationship.

[popey]

Some thoughts to consider. In current society it's a near Taboo for a man to show weakness to a fellow male. That means no discussions of problems for consensus or advice, no consoling opinions or emotions from fellow males.

 

The situation for ladies is exactly the opposite. Ladies are encouraged, even expected to discuss their problems and secrets with other women. The concept is memorialized in the popular culture by shows like Sex in the City, which always included the mealtime kibbitz.

 

This leaves men at a distinct emotional disadvantage, he is alone to deal with his problems on his own, OR... he can make friendship/friendships with and seek help from the only human beings available who posess the skills he needs to lean on. Females. This is almost universally unacceptable behavior unless the woman who he seeks is clergy, or old enough to be his grandmother.

 

I suspect that this is a major factor in the beginnings of most emotional affairs. I have no clue how to solve this enequity/problem either.

 

I agree with your point about the inequity problem, but dissagree that a man discussing his feelings/personal relationship issues with a woman who could be deemed desirable is unacceptable.

 

My bf has attractive female friends who he likes and cares for. I just have no cause to suspect that he likes and cares for them in an innappropriate way. Given my choice, sure I'd like to be the only desirable woman he ever lays eyes on, but that's not reality. I don't believe he or the females in his life should be punished by my oppressing their friendship b/c the females happened to not be hags.

 

as for the question of the thread, I'm curious how folks define emotional affair. what elements must be present for a relationship to rise to this categorization?

[LakesideDream]

I agree with your point about the inequity problem, but dissagree that a man discussing his feelings/personal relationship issues with a woman who could be deemed desirable is unacceptable.

 

 

If that's true, then you are in the minority here on LS. I have brought up this paradox on LS a couple of times, and seldom receive more than a casual response or two. IMO most female posters here are very uncomfortable knowing/having/suspecting that their SO's might have a conversation, or numerous conversations with other females about emotional subjects or problems.

 

I admit that I am baffled by it. When I went through the breakup of a 25 year divorce I had absolutely no one to talk to or confide in. My closest friends (all married) were afraid of the subject, I suspect because of the ominous possibility that it could happen to them. I cannot remember a time in my life that I felt more alone, and desolete.

 

I have seen first hand how women band together to bouy up the spirts of other women in emotional strife. My ex "sat shiva" with three of her friends going through break up's or severe relationship problems, and thats just what I can remember spur of the moment, I'm sure there were more. Remembering this fills me with envy.

 

Women in general (here on LS too) bemoan the lack of "sensitivity", and "emotions" in their men. Many also complain about their men's inability to "share" their emotional or relationship problems and fears. I believe that most of it is due to the possiblility (fact?) that men have absolutely no training in sharing their emotions in times of stress.

 

There is also the negetive reinforcment problem. If a man openly discusses with his SO, his relationship fears, or problems inside a relationship, he knows he's running the risk of those thoughts and words coming back to haunt him months or years later.

 

I once told my now ex wife about a situation at work where a co-worker was "coming on" to me agressively, at the time I assured her that I had rebuffed the advances and would continue to do so. The problem ceased after a week or so, and I forgot about it, only to have it brought up 20 years later as an "affair" that I had early in my marriage. My ex had harbored that thought for two decades! I laughed at her for bringing it up, however I could see in her eyes and body language that she didn't believe my denying the incident.

 

There were other things that happened in passing that were thrown back at me ..sometimes months, sometimes even years later. Believe me, I learned not to "share".

 

IMO men are at a big disadvantage in the arena of intergender communication.

[DOA]

I'm a girl and I think PA is worse.

 

I wouldn't be able to touch my bf ever again if he had a PA. Something about him would just scream "dirty" and I'd feel contaminated with his affair and the details of the physical dirty deed he committed with another girl.

 

EA is bad but it is not the ultimate betrayal for me. I would probably never trust the person again, but PA is just wrong. I can only do physical things with someone I am extremely emotionally connected with, so I guess this is why I'd have to go with PA being a whole lot worse than EA.

 

Either way, if my bf has an EA or PA, his ass is gonna be dumped real quick.

[SoHotZanzibar]

With an EA, there is no climax. And whether something is an EA to one person could be different to another.

I would think an EA would be insanely annoying, because all it would do is drive someone towards desire and something they may or not ever bring to actual fruitation. Much fantasy could be involved by both parties.

 

PA, however, there is a climax. Its an act completed. It's very intimate and effect both the mind and body. It may even be considered 'traumatic' even on some level.

 

I think an EA is a friendship with passion, and the level of either can very.

I think a PA is quite a larger step. Quite a line to cross.

 

If I had an EA an hear the word 'cheater' or 'adultery', I don't think it would bother me as much as if I actually cheated and heard those words.