PamelaMcCoy Posted April 16, 2003 Share Posted April 16, 2003 My fiancee's ex-wife, with whom he has 2 children, will not let go. Every time she and her boyfriend-of-the-quarter break up, she suggests that the two of them get back together "for the kids' sake." This infuriates me. He and I have been living together for a year and a half. What should I do? Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 16, 2003 Share Posted April 16, 2003 There's nothing in the world you can do. Your boyfriend and his ex-wife have the very strong bond of having two children together and they will have meaningful communication concerning those children for years to come. Unless she loses her tongue for talking, hands for writing, etc., she will be free to ask him about getting back together at the end of each relationship she has. The only thing you can do is build a strong bond with your guy, communicate with him about this (without nagging), let him know how it makes you feel, and then gain the confidence and trust to know that he will not go back. However, I must warn you, there is always the chance that they could get back together. Not because of any fondness your guy has for her, but because of the natural human instinct to want to provide a stable and comfortable living environment for his offspring. So enjoy each day, stop worrying, be confident and be yourself. Perhaps if the two of you get married, that could make you feel a little more secure...but don't count on it. I think if you talk this out with your guy he may give you some level of comfort that he's not willing to go in that direction. But my long experience with homo sapiens is they are like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get! Link to post Share on other sites
PamelaMcCoy Posted April 16, 2003 Share Posted April 16, 2003 Thank you for the rational reply (although I would have rather been told that a caged wrestling match was the solution). Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 16, 2003 Share Posted April 16, 2003 I'm assuming that you know she suggested they get back together because he told you. Hopefully in an exasperated manner, "you're never gonna believe what she said, is she insane or what?" If so that's understandable, good that he's communicating with you about what's going on. But why isn't he conveying his exasperation to her? Why does she apparently feel no embarrassment at having asked him multiple times to get back together? How is he turning her down? Perhaps he's being a little too passive, thinking that it's kind. If he finds her ploys to be as ridiculous and pointless as he ought to, why hasn't he conveyed that to her? It's a little curious. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 17, 2003 Share Posted April 17, 2003 they gave you good advice. One thing I will add is that your approach with your bf should in no way make him feel like he has to choose between you and his children. Is he a real passive guy? Doesn't want a confrontation? If he is confrontational with his ex, she could turn that around and slam him to his kids, which may be what he wants to avoid. Sounds like he needs to express his commitment to you in a stronger and more secure manner also. He may not realize the depth to which this affects you because in his mind and heart he knows that he will not get back with her. Sometimes my husband doesn't realize how deeply things affect me and I get angry or hurt because it appears to me that he doesn't care as much as he should. I have to remind myself of that so that I can control/get over my anger -- I also express to him how his words and actions APPEAR to my emotional side, even though I know in my mind that he doesn't mean it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
pamelamccoy Posted April 17, 2003 Share Posted April 17, 2003 He is not passive at all, EXCEPT in matters pertaining to his kids. When he and his ex have had blowouts in the past, she counters by threatening to move "home" to Michigan (we all live in Texas). She uses his kids to manipulate him constantly - emotionally and financially. It makes me angry, but I feel like an outsider. I've even suggested to him that the two of them should go to post-divorce counseling, but she will only go to religious-based and thus, reconciliation, counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
pamelamccoy Posted April 17, 2003 Share Posted April 17, 2003 I agree that he is not making it clear that reconciliation is NOT an option. I am also constantly in AWE at her lack of shame and pride. If I were interested in my ex-husband (shudder at the thought!), and he had been in a long-term relationship, I would not propose the idea, for fear (and expectancy) of rejection. Link to post Share on other sites
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