In-law nightmare

[nickery]

Yes, another new bride with in-law trouble. I'm sure you've *never* heard of that before, right?

 

My husband and I have been married for about 6 months and have been together for 4 years. I met his parents pretty much at the beginning of the relationship, but rarely saw them as we lived a few hours apart (Our home towns were close together, but we were away at college, all within OH).

 

Anyway, I will try to keep this as short as possible, but I apologize in advance if it gets long! FIL has a history of drug use, and every so often would go off on a binge. He was clean for quite awhile, and then just under 2 years ago, he had another binge. He somehow managed to overdraw their bank account by thousands of dollars (I'm still not even sure how this is possible), lost his job, and got the electricity turned off when he failed to pay the bill. This is where we come in. At this point MIL had moved to WV to stay with her sister, and we had moved to TN. Hubby gets a phone call from her asking to wire the money to get the electricity put back on. So he did. Shortly thereafter, FIL got tossed in jail for passing bad checks. Another phone call from MIL, this time to wire the money to bail him out. So he did. There were a few other instances of wiring a little money here, and a little money there - I don't remember specifically for what. Fast forward a bit, and hubby convinces his parents to join us in TN. FIL comes first to get a job and a place to stay, and lives with us while he does so. My two conditions were that he be mvoed out before the wedding, and that they make the move without any additional loans from us (especially since we had *still* not been paid back a dime). Thankfully condition number 1 stuck, but number 2 fell through rather quickly. A little here, a little there, and a decent chunk when FIL needed to rent a truck to drive up to WV to retrieve MIL and all of their belongings. I was particularly upset about this, since MIL had decided to just not show up to her last week at work, because she didn't feel like it, and if she had they probably wouldn't have needed to borrow the money. This was 6 months ago, and the borrowing has not stopped. There was 1 mention of starting to pay the money back, but it never happened. They are both working now, and have been for awhile. I feel that they are taking advantage because they know hubby has a good job with a nice salary, and they are just being completely irresponsible with their money.

 

On top of all of that, there is a history of fraudulent behavior (passing the bad checks, insurance fraud, it's a laundry list) that continues to this day, and I had gotten to the point that I simply did not feel comfortable being around them. I told hubby that I needed a break, so for the past month, I have not gone with him if he went out to dinner, went to their place, etc. They finally started to catch on and ask him about it, so he decided to discuss how I felt with them, since he was sitting them down to talk about their finances anyway. As a result of that conversation, they basically think I'm a huge b**** and never want to see me again, even if I decided I wanted to develop a relationship with them. MIL is most upset because she feels that their finances are *their* business and no one else's, and FIL's biggest issue is that he feels that no matter how I feel about them/how they live their lives, it shouldn't matter because they are family.

 

I've discussed the situation with my own mother, and with an aunt I am close with, and both of them assure me that I did nothing wrong. However, being who they are, I'm sure their views a bit biased. So I guess I am here writing this because I want to see what others think....did I handle the situation poorly? Should I have continued with the fake smiling and gritting my teeth through dinners while keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself?

 

And what about holidays? I'm sure that once the rest of his family finds out, they will despise me as well. Even if it's just his parents, I'm sure it will be agonizingly uncomfortable and awkward. At this point I'm planning on showing up and being as pleasant as possible - I can handle a day or two once or twice a year of that for hubby's sake, and he would be happier if I went. Heck, maybe I'll be banned from family functions and the decision will be out of my hands!!

 

Luckily we have no children yet, and if we have them it will be a few years down the road. That will be a whole other can of worms.

[fluffy0]

First of all, i just want to say that you did nothing wrong by acting the way you did. Your in-laws broke a promise to you and you husband by borrowing money they said they wouldn't borrow. They broke your trust and I can see how you have a right to be angry with them and not want to see them.

I think that as long as your husband is making enough money to contribute his fair share to your household expenses and is contributing a fair amount to a savings account for you both he should be able to do whatever he wants with the rest. This is the compromise me and my fiancee decided for our relationship and our marriage. Now matter how much I think his parents are acting like leaches and guilting him into giving them money, everyone is entitled to a little spending money in a relationship. If I decide to spend mine on a lamp or putting a new radio in my car, then he is certainly welcome to give it to his parents instead of buying things for himself. This agreement doesn't always work out as sometimes he will just let them use his credit card or put a bill on his credit card since we don't have much money left over after paying all the neccesities, but at least it's a starting point.

As for your IL's, I think you should ask to meet with them, prefereably alone so that your H doesn't feel like he has to act like referee in a fight, and discuss why you are bothered by how they are treating you. They already seem to hate you, so you don't have much to lose. Tell them that you understand you feel betrayed by them and feel that they are impeding you from starting a family. They'll probably get really mad at you but at least you will have had the guts to stand up for yourself. I would make it clear that you don't hate them as people, but are just upset about the financial strain they are putting on you and your H.

Just remember that even if you IL's try to get away with murder, they will still be your husband's parents, and he will support them no matter what, but that doesn't mean that you have to.

[rocketpixie]

Well, I guess I have a different approach to things because there isn't a concept of separate financial accounts between my hubby and myself. His money is my money, mine is his and we talk about major purchases, loaning money, etc. That's just the way we agreed to do things.

 

First of all, you didn't do anything wrong. You were concerned, you voiced your concerns and it blew up because they were probably embarrassed. If you would like to try again and you believe an apology would smooth out relations, will you be okay if the present situation of borrowing and fiscal irresponsibility continues? How does this affect your relationship with your husband? Where do you see this going in the next 5-10 years?

 

Most importantly, you and your husband have to be on the same page about lending out money to the relatives. If you two want to keep track of your accounts separately and he's free to do whatever as long as he contributes a minimum amount as the previous poster suggested, then you have to stay out of that financial relationship between him and his parents--and just make sure your husband keeps up his end of the bargain despite any manipulation or guilt trips he may encounter from his parents.

 

If you want to make decisions jointly about lending money, then instead of confronting his parents, your husband should be a part of it. They may see you as an interloper of sorts, trying to cut off their financial support--and if so there is nothing you can say or do to stop that. Your husband will need to step in and say "my wife and I have decided...xyz." so they know that you now make decisions as a UNIT. Establishing boundaries is tough, but worth it.

[Angelina Nisse]

As a result of that conversation, they basically think I'm a huge b**** and never want to see me again, even if I decided I wanted to develop a relationship with them. MIL is most upset because she feels that their finances are *their* business and no one else's, and FIL's biggest issue is that he feels that no matter how I feel about them/how they live their lives, it shouldn't matter because they are family.

 

Big deal, let them think you're a b!tch, maybe they'll get the message and stay out of your life.

Their finances are "their" business?? I'd say they MADE IT YOUR BUSINESS, when they borrowed $$$ and didn't pay it back.

I wouldn't go talk to these moochers.

They know you're on to them.

I would sit down with your fiance, and come to an agreement on how you two will handle this situation.

Your fiance seems intent on bailing them out - which could be DISASTROUS for your future.

Oh, and about them being "family:" YOU are his family now - you, and whatever children you may have. They are his extended family, after your marriage.

YOU come first.

 

Proceed with caution.