Does He Want Me Or Not ????

[Sunny44]

I am very attracted to a man that I've become friendly with since May. I'll call him "Mark". He may have the same feelings, but is too scared to show it. The reasons for his fear would be 1) I am in a 13 year marriage 2) I am his immediate boss at work 3) I am 10 years older than him. I am 34 and he is 24. 4) He is extremely insecure and shy.

 

Now, before anyone thinks I am crazy, let me clarify a few things. I have filed for divorce after a short separation from my husband. However, nobody at my job, including Mark, knows about this. I keep my personal life very private at work. As far as Mark is concerned, I am in a happy, or at least peaceful, marriage. I have NO PLANS on pursuing anything with Mark until my divorce is final and I feel free to do so.

 

Second, Mark will be transferring to a different unit at work next week. I will no longer be his immediate boss, work near him, or ever see him. So, there should be no workplace issue.

 

Mark gives mixed signals. I am totally confused as to his intent. I am hoping someone here can help me decide whether he likes me, yet is afraid due to the above barriers I mentioned, if he is playing games with me, or if he is only seeking friendship.

 

Background on Mark: Nobody that knows him is aware of him ever having a girlfriend or dating. He was hooked up with a blind date once and rejected her based on something trivial. He NEVER checks out women. He NEVER talks about women with any romantic/sexual interest, at least not around me. His closest male friend at work joked with me about the possibility that Mark may end up the "40 year old virgin" based on is seemingly lack of interest or experience. Mark is very insecure, but extremely intelligent, mature and level-headed.

 

 

Background on Me: I've never been with another man other than my husband. I don't have much experience in reading men. I can by shy, but not as bad as Mark. I am not an aggressive person in any way.

 

History leading up to our friendship: After working with Mark for 2 years and never noticing him (he is so quiet), he initiated the friendliness with me by gaining my attention through office pranks. Yes, childish office pranks like hiding my chair, having me paged for no reason, leaving posters on my car, etc. He would always take "credit" for the pranks and laugh with me. Keep in mind that I am the boss with a reputation for no nonsense, so for Mark to do these things was completely out of the ordinary. Nobody else in the office did these things and Mark did not do them to anyone else. These laughs between Mark and I turned into flirting.

 

Since we started flirting last May, Mark hasn't done any pranks. Obviously, the pranks were to get my initial attention only. We started to flirt heavily through eye contact. Mark doesn't even speak to others, let alone make eye contact. There were times that we would be speaking one-on-one and each hold our stare for an eternity. We'd look right through each other's eyes. It was breathtaking and happened alot. Other times, we'd speak in a group of other people and we'd both ignore everyone but each other. We'd stare at each other when other people were talking.

 

Mark initiated phone contact with me during work hours. He would CONSTANTLY call me during work (while he was in the next room) for some of the stupidest things. It was obvious to me that he was making up excuses to talk to me. I began to call him throughout our work day for stupid reasons as well. But, Mark initiated the first round of stupid calls. Our phone conversations went from work-related issues to idle chit chat, to coming up with any reason to stay on the phone with each other. This was mutual.

 

Mark always looked for me at work. He would question me at times as to my whereabouts if he couldn't find me. He seemed to always have a need to be in contact with me, somehow. No other two employees interacted this way.

 

I was so certain that Mark would "make a move" on me soon, that I tried backing off of him. I was his boss and didn't want an affair with him under those conditions. I didn't contact him by phone for one day at work (although we see each other all day long). HE CALLED ME ON IT. He called me up in disbelief that I didn't talk to him by phone that day. I didn't give any reason why. I just shook it off.

 

Mark would always try to be in my personal space when he didn't need to be. He would bring me his work product, when he didn't need to. He would ask me questions, that he had the answers to. So why am I questioning his attraction for me? Well......

 

In July Mark initiated text messaging me. I never texted anyone before and learned through him. He sent me a text one day out of the blue asking me "How's your day going?". This single message has started a 3 month text relationship that seems to be going nowhere.

 

We now have several text conversations per day, while neither of us is at work. We text sometimes until 1:00 AM or 2:00 AM in the morning !! It is all idle conversation and some very light flirting. Texting has taken us outside of work hours. Sometime he initiates, sometimes I do. We both respond quickly and reliably to each other's text and we keep it going. Alot of our texting involves talking about his shyness (he freely admits this). I give him lots of encouragement and compliments.

 

So far, I have been more flirty with him via text than he is with me. I have told him that I "liked" him more than I want to. I've told him that if I had my way, we'd be snuggling. I have let on in many text conversations that I am attracted to him. I've told him several times that he is always on my mind and I can't sleep. He responds with lukewarm comments like, "You must be tired. Go to sleep", or, "You make me laugh. Your funny". He has never answered my flirty words with more flirty words.

 

The only sign he has given me through text that there is hope is when he told me once, "I like you". Another time, I had to ASK HIM if he ever had any thoughts about me. He said, "I think your pleasant, intelligent and very pretty". Since then, he has sent me numerous text messages that show no attraction for me whatsoever. It is all platonic and funny stuff.

 

At work, we carry on as before. That is, we are super friendly and flirty with the eyes. We never talk about our "text relationship" at work.

 

We never socialize outside of work and I am not sure how to create such an event. I am afraid he would say "no" if I asked him to do anything with me.

 

Does anyone have any insight into this? Does he like me, yet has been afraid up until this point because of the marriage/boss thing? Both issues are being resolved. Can a man be THIS insecure about himself? Is it because of the age gap? Does he just want to be friends? He is texting me right now as I type this.

 

Sorry so long.....thanks

[norajane]

I have NO PLANS on pursuing anything with Mark until my divorce is final and I feel free to do so.

 

I think you are already pursuing. Texting someone until 1 and 2 in the morning is very much pursuing.

 

I think he likes you, but isn't going to be the one to make a definitive move, for all the reasons you suspect - you are married, you're his boss, you're 10 years older.

 

Either that, or he's gay. No girlfriends, no interest in women, he hasn't made any moves on you...could be...

 

What do you want from him? A relationship? If so, then keep it cool until your divorce is final. A fling? Keep up what you're doing and dial it up a notch after he moves on to his new role and you're no longer his boss.

[Aintayankee]

Your ten years older, you should be able to nail him. Jock his nuts in the janitor's closet of the office building. Don't waste no more time texting.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Why do you find this guy attractive? He sounds kind of creepy to me...

[Sunny44]

Why do you find this guy attractive? He sounds kind of creepy to me...

 

He is incredibly handsome. Every woman thinks so. He gets offers from women all the time. He shrugs them off. He's got a great body. A GREAT mind. When I first met him, I appreciated his awesome looks, but never saw beyond that due to his reserved nature. It took 2 years of working with him for me to "notice" him in a sexual way. He is hilariously funny, once he gets talking to you. Him and I connect very well.

 

You think he is creepy, not just shy? I admit he has weird ways.

[reboot]

Maybe he's gay.

[Sunny44]

I think you are already pursuing. Texting someone until 1 and 2 in the morning is very much pursuing.

 

I think he likes you, but isn't going to be the one to make a definitive move, for all the reasons you suspect - you are married, you're his boss, you're 10 years older.

 

Either that, or he's gay. No girlfriends, no interest in women, he hasn't made any moves on you...could be...

 

What do you want from him? A relationship? If so, then keep it cool until your divorce is final. A fling? Keep up what you're doing and dial it up a notch after he moves on to his new role and you're no longer his boss.

 

Your probably right about the "pursuing" part. I suppose late night texting is pursuing, whether I admit it or not.

 

I thought of the gay thing. I have wracked my brains trying to figure out if he is gay. That is possible. But, if it is true then why in the world has this guy gone so far out of his way, and out of his comfort zone, to become such a good friend to me? He is a super employee that doesn't need and would never accept favors (he is as humble and proud as they come), so he is not brown-nosing. He has a large tight-knit family and a few close friends that he spends alot of time with. So, he is not a loner in need of new friends. He doesn't have any female friends, so we can rule out him being the type of guy that enjoys platonic female friendships.

 

Yes, he could be gay. But, why would he insist on becoming his boss' platonic buddy? We have nothing at all in common other than work. I am not important, interesting, funny, etc. I haven't formed close friendships with any of my other subordinates, so Mark should know that what I have with him isn't just "me" being "me". He knows I want him badly. He just texted me this morning just to see what I was doing. If he is gay, why bother? Why string me along?

 

Thanks for your response.

[Illicit Angel]

Maybe he's gay.

 

Maybe he has absolutley no idea what to do with a women!!!

Or with having feelings for 1.

 

He sounds very intrested in you. How many men do you know that will talk face to face let alone via text untill 2 in the morning .... not many i'll bet.

 

Does he know about your divorce at all?

It would be kind of strange if he was just trying to be a good friend, when all these things point to a man who does not know what to do next.

 

My guess would be he is scared of rejection, he needs you to go 1st kind of thing ..... at least like this he has you ?

[Sunny44]

Maybe he has absolutley no idea what to do with a women!!!

Or with having feelings for 1.

 

He sounds very intrested in you. How many men do you know that will talk face to face let alone via text untill 2 in the morning .... not many i'll bet.

 

Does he know about your divorce at all?

It would be kind of strange if he was just trying to be a good friend, when all these things point to a man who does not know what to do next.

 

My guess would be he is scared of rejection, he needs you to go 1st kind of thing ..... at least like this he has you ?

 

It could be that he has no clue what to do. He might be a virgin. Not Sure. He doesn't know about my divorce at all. We have never once mentioned my husband during all of our talks (in person and text). I know he wonders about my husband, especially when we text so late at night. I know it is weird that I've never mentioned the divorce to Mark, and that Mark has never asked about my husband.

 

As for me making the first move, I have subtley tried. I didn't want to be bold until a couple of barriers disappeared. But, even my subtle moves have been sort of rebuffed. Don't get me wrong, Mark will LIGHTLY flirt with me and has let me know verbally and through text that he is attracted. Yet, when I've made suggestive remarks to him, he takes it as a JOKE. So, we both end up laughing about it (via text). WTF?? How do I get him to see that I am serious? Once my divorce is final, I might get the courage to sit Mark down and lay out all my cards. Until then, it would be nice to see SOME SIGNS OF RECIPROCATION other than his light flirting.

[norajane]

As for me making the first move, I have subtley tried. I didn't want to be bold until a couple of barriers disappeared. But, even my subtle moves have been sort of rebuffed. Don't get me wrong, Mark will LIGHTLY flirt with me and has let me know verbally and through text that he is attracted. Yet, when I've made suggestive remarks to him, he takes it as a JOKE. So, we both end up laughing about it (via text). WTF?? How do I get him to see that I am serious? Once my divorce is final, I might get the courage to sit Mark down and lay out all my cards. Until then, it would be nice to see SOME SIGNS OF RECIPROCATION other than his light flirting.

I don't understand why you expect him to do something when he knows you are married.

 

Most people don't want to get into a relationship with a married person, you know. It's pretty much a losing proposition, guaranteed to create problems and heartache, and many see it as immoral or unethical as well.

 

He has a line he's not going to cross while you're married. You can't expect more than light flirtation.

[Illicit Angel]

 

He has a line he's not going to cross while you're married. You can't expect more than light flirtation.

 

Tell him about your divorce? Find a reaction in that .... might help the truth out ..... or even tell him straight out, and explain you really like him but untill your divorced you won't do anything about it ....... I would say it has gone on long enough for someone to admit they would like more (if that's how your beggining to feel)

[Sunny44]

I don't understand why you expect him to do something when he knows you are married.

 

 

Your right. I shouldn't expect him to do anything while I am married. I guess what I am looking for is assurance that the reason he hasn't done anything is because I am married (or one of the other barriers I mentioned in my OP). I am hoping he is not gay. I am also hoping that I am not chasing a ghost, or a guy with no romantic potential. It is hard for me to judge because I never interact with men. Thanks.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Does he like me, yet has been afraid up until this point because of the marriage/boss thing?

 

No, he doesn't like you. He is just messing around.

 

This:

 

I have told him that I "liked" him more than I want to... if I had my way, we'd be snuggling. He responds with lukewarm comments like, "You must be tired. Go to sleep.

 

Since we started flirting last May, Mark hasn't done any pranks.

 

You are making this whole thing in your head and he is enjoying it. Tell him you are getting divorced and are looking for a bf or some and see what he does. Proabably will tell you to go to a bar where you can meet men.

 

Ariadne

[stillafool]

You definitely need to tell him you are getting a divorce. That's the only way you are going to find out how he feels. However if you are texting him at 1 and 2 AM he probably wonders what is going on with your Husband.

 

There was a really good looking young man in my old office that the women were ga ga over and he turned out to be gay. He just liked having women friends.

 

Ask him if he dates and if he says no ask him why not. Then ask him what type of woman would he like to date. At least you will find out if he wants to date women or not.

[glittergurl]

He sounds gay to me.

[Sunny44]

Hey,

 

Does he like me, yet has been afraid up until this point because of the marriage/boss thing?

 

No, he doesn't like you. He is just messing around.

 

This:

 

I have told him that I "liked" him more than I want to... if I had my way, we'd be snuggling. He responds with lukewarm comments like, "You must be tired. Go to sleep.

 

Since we started flirting last May, Mark hasn't done any pranks.

 

You are making this whole thing in your head and he is enjoying it. Tell him you are getting divorced and are looking for a bf or some and see what he does. Proabably will tell you to go to a bar where you can meet men.

 

Ariadne

 

I've thought of this too Ariadne. That is, he is messing with me. Every time I think there is a possibility that he is just messing with me, he says or does something that shows me otherwise. He once said something to me, in reference to himself, about his concern that HE was "imagining things" and that it might "all be in my (his) head". He spoke these words, not in direct response to my attraction to him, but in regards to an insignificant family issue. Yet, it was very clear that he was speaking about me and about our friendship. It was double-speak at its best.

We were on the phone and I jumped at the opportunity to explore this with him. I assured him that his imagination has not got the best of him and that he was reading the situation accurately (trusting that he realized that I was clever enough to know what we were REALLY referring to).

 

I can't give an exact dialogue in this post, but trust me when I tell you that both of us were very much aware that we were talking about "us", not the "cover" topic. There were long pauses, breathing, references to things that had only happened between us, and a reluctance on both our parts to end the sub-topic of "how do you know that what your seeing is real and not all in your head?" If we were not talking about "us" then our conversation would not have made ANY SENSE whatsoever because much of what we said was disproportional to, and conflicted with, the "cover" topic.

 

Mark is extremely intelligent, more so than I am. There is no way that I could walk him into a conversation that he doesn't get the meaning of or doesn't foresee where it is heading. He picks up on everything and is oblivious to nothing. Yea, he could just be messing with me. I guess part of messing with me would included having these double-speak conversations. Yet, I think there is just as good a chance that he is not messing with me and is simply as unsure about "us" as I am.

[norajane]

So you're sure he's not messing with you.

 

But are you messing with him? Why haven't you ever told him you're in the middle of a divorce and when it will be final?

[Sunny44]

So you're sure he's not messing with you.

 

But are you messing with him? Why haven't you ever told him you're in the middle of a divorce and when it will be final?

 

Norajane, I would love the opportunity to tell him about the divorce. But, that wouldn't be appropriate through text messaging. We are only on the phone when we are working, another inappropriate moment. We have never had a private face-to-face moment where I would be comfortable saying "So, about my marriage". I am not intentionally holding this back from him and I can't wait to let him know. But, unlike flirting that can subtley occur almost anywhere, talking about my divorce has to be done in private.

 

I am a very private person. Nobody at work knows about my divorce, not just Mark. My office environment is not the type of place that I would talk about my home life in. I am looking for the first opportunity to tell Mark everything. So no, I am not playing games with him.

[glittergurl]

I think you've gotten yourself in a messy situation and you know it.

 

A 24 year old employee who you text in the middle of the night and flirt with ... and your divorce isn't even final yet. But let's just say that those 3 points (age difference, work, marriage) would suddenly not be in the way anymore; do you honestly think anything good would come out of it?

 

It sounds like you hardly even know him personally. You don't know whether he dates in private or not, you only assume a lot of things and he's really not sharing that many details. Fact is you don't know much about this guy at all. And I think you're more in love with the whole "mistery" and "forbidden" aspects of it than the actual person behind it.

 

It sounds like you have already given away much more information than him. I'm pretty sure he has a clue that your marriage isn't exactly bliss, anybody would figure that out.

 

 

I think he's having fun. You're flattering his ego, no strings attached, and he's got the easy part because whenever things turn the way he doesn't want them to, he can walk away and pull the innocent card. And you'll be the fool.

 

To be honest with you, I think his behavior is creepy as hell and you're silly for getting head over heels about it all. In the end, the best you may hope for is getting laid a few times (that's if he's not gay). That is honesty the vibe I get from all your posts. Healthy relationships don't start that way.

[Sunny44]

 

To be honest with you, I think his behavior is creepy as hell and you're silly for getting head over heels about it all. In the end, the best you may hope is getting laid a few times (that's if he's not gay). That is honesty the vibe I get from all your posts. Healthy relationships don't start that way.

 

Can you tell me what it is about his behavior that you find creepy? I honestly don't know.

 

Yup, he could be gay, or bi-sexual. Hope not.

[glittergurl]

I guess it's the whole flirting without flirting that rubs me the wrong way. Again, easy situation for him. If you make a bold move now, he could easily step back and go "whow, I didn't mean I wanted to be with you". He's either acting like a teenager who has no idea what the hell he's doing/what he wants; or he's acting like an insecure boy who is enjoying the ego boost you're freely giving, with no strings attached.

 

You're a 30 something woman. I'm not sure what you expect from a 20 something boy.

 

I know 24 year olds who are more mature than him. They don't get tangled up in silly games like that and if they like a woman who is in a relationship, they casually bring up the topic to test the waters. It's not so hard to do. Hell I even bring it up with people I'm not interested in at all. But your boy has either not figured that out yet, or he's too chicken to do so (in which case, I would personally not waste my time over a wuss), or he really doesn't want it to go that far at all and he's just having fun.

 

You say you won't be his boss anymore soon. I guess just ask him out and start talking with him for once, instead of throwing lots of little nothings around. The fact remains that you have no idea who he really is in private. And I wouldn't take his friends words for granted. This whole aspect, is what adds to the creepy factor for me.

[Sunny44]

I guess it's the whole flirting without flirting that rubs me the wrong way. Again, easy situation for him. If you make a bold move now, he could easily step back and go "whow, I didn't mean I wanted to be with you". He's either acting like a teenager who has no idea what the hell he's doing/what he wants; or he's acting like an insecure boy who is enjoying the ego boost you're freely giving, with no strings attached.

 

 

 

In today's text, he pretty much told me that he doesn't know what he is doing, when it comes to women. We talked about sex, with each other (Yes !! finally a breakthrough). He gave every indication that he was interested, aroused, and would like to get intimate. BUT THEN HE WARNED ME THAT HE WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING OR HOW TO BE SEXUAL. ???????? He is very insecure. We have had many conversations, through text, about his insecurities and shyness. He readily admits these weeknesses and always reminds me of them.

 

Ok, I am convinced that pretty boy is either a virgin, or tried sex before and had an embarassing/traumatic moment that has scared him from another attempt. So, now what? I wasn't really prepared to take on a virgin, but I am so into him. Anyone out there experienced in handling the very sexually inexperienced? Should I even try? I am not looking just for sex with this guy, but let's be honest...sex is a big part of this.

 

For the life of me, I can't phathom how this incredibly gorgeous (everyone thinks so), intelligent guy hasn't been laid a million times already.

 

The gay thing is still on the radar, just flying more low now.

[Trialbyfire]

During the period where you're mid-separation and the first months after your divorce, you will not be thinking clearly. You've entered into an inappropriate flirtation with a boy who's your direct employee. Back off.

 

When the situation corrects itself at work about reporting lines and your situation with your divorce has stabilized, then you can consider entering into something with a boy who's still wet behind the ears. While he maybe gorgeous, he's also an innocent. You're a civil suit waiting to happen right now.

 

I'm trying to shake some sense into you. You have a responsibility as management to behave appropriately.

[Sunny44]

During the period where you're mid-separation and the first months after your divorce, you will not be thinking clearly. You've entered into an inappropriate flirtation with a boy who's your direct employee. Back off.

 

When the situation corrects itself at work about reporting lines and your situation with your divorce has stabilized, then you can consider entering into something with a boy who's still wet behind the ears. While he maybe gorgeous, he's also an innocent. You're a civil suit waiting to happen right now.

 

I'm trying to shake some sense into you. You have a responsibility as management to behave appropriately.

 

I appreciate what you are saying. Yes, I need a wake up call. But, Mark isn't exactly an "innocent". Not only did he start the entire thing, he is the one that keeps it going when I am ready to drop out. He pursues as much as he is pursued.

 

I am very sensitive to the sexual harassment issue, which is why I am careful not to blurt out to him, "I want your hot body". I do not touch him. I do not go near him. I do not talk to him in anything close to a sexually suggestive manner. The subject of sex came up ONCE today in our texting. He brought it up and we discussed the possibility. Otherwise, our texting is so light on the flirtation that nobody with sense would call it "sexual harassment". The frequency of the contact is so mutual and wanted that it can't be considered "harassment". I told him in the past that I "liked" him and he returned the sentiment. That is not harassment.

 

Yes, I am more willing to express myself to him than he is to me. But, what I am willing to do, and what I have actually done are two different things. So, I would have to say that I am not a civil suit waiting to happen based on anything I've done thus far. So far, I've befriended him to the extent that he has wanted me to. Also, there are several management-subordinate romantic relationships in my line of work. It is not frowned upon here, although it is a little stupid.

 

But, I do get what you are saying. That is, to be careful. If I get into a sexual relationship with Mark that ends badly, he could make any type of harassment allegation simply because I am a supervisor. I get that. I would then have to fight to prove how mutual the whole thing was. I get that.

 

As for Mark being wet behind the ears, I am a little uneasy about that. I don't think our actual age gap is the issue. The issue is Mark seems inexperienced even for a 24 year old. I think many 24 year olds would be in good mental shape to handle a woman 10 years his senior. Mark may or may not be in good mental shape. I still have to learn more about him. Just because he may not be sexually experienced does not mean he is not in good mental shape.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Trialbyfire]

I hope your telephone conversations are taped at work and you've retained all the text messages on your cell phone. I'm not certain about your jurisdiction but in mine, if there's doubt, the courts tend to rule in favour of the employee. It's gotten so bad that most companies don't bother going to court. They just pay off the employee and fire or demote the management staff involved.