Panic attacks and cancelled plans

[Vizion]

Early this morning I broke plans to move in with a wonderful woman whom I have been dating for the last 2.5 years. The crisis point for me came when we signed a lease for a new home for the both of us. The next day, I started having a massive panic attack over what I was about to embark on. I had been married before, and it did not work out well at all. Internal scripts that had long laid dormant began to well up in me. I could not hide them from my fiancée. Amazingly, she was incredibly supportive of my fears. We took the entire weekend to work on my feelings of fear. After two days of this, my nerves were completely shot, and I started to act like a crazy person. One minute I would say, "Yes! Let's do this!" and the next, I would begin to doubt myself, and start to withdraw. I knew that I was behaving like an absolute idiot, and completely abusing the trust of someone I love, who loved me dearly. At this point, I couldn't even think straight, and could only think about how to get out of this commitment that some part of me was not ready to embrace. I lost my nerve, and told her that I couldn't go on. Something inside of me was rebelling against this, and I could not suppress it. Fortunately for us, the landlord was very sympathetic, and is not charging us for backing out on the lease that we signed together.

 

At this point, I am not sure where the relationship stands. I told my fiancée that obviously I need some professional help, because my behavior after signing the lease was absolutely unnacceptable, and border-line crazy. So, I am going to see a shrink to see what I can sort out - and get to the bottom of my fears of marriage. It is my hope that I can somehow erase the bad memories of my first marriage and move on in life. It immediately sank in today what it is that I am giving up. A big part of me wants to move ahead with my fiancée now, but I know that I have some work to do first. One thing that I am sure of - is that she deserves much, much better than the behavior that I exhibited this weekend. It would be better for her to move on to someone else if I cannot get myself straightened out and get over my fears and look to a bright future with her, instead of one clouded by fears of past failure. One thing I know - I never, ever want to see myself act as selfishly and weak as I did this weekend.

 

It was a bit shocking to see how the panic attack crippled me. I am used to being a very solid, in control person, and I am sure that I never want to do anything that could ever trigger that feeling again. It is just a horrible, horrible place to be in.

 

I am feeling a bit more in control today, now that I know that the immediate plans have been called off. But, I feel terribly guilty about my behavior, and already a bit lonely. I suppose the task that is best for me right now is to try and get centered, and build my strength and courage back up. Only then will I be able to treat my fiancée with the dignity and respect that she deserves.

 

Thank you. I just needed to get my feelings off my chest, and tell my little story to the world.

[Tony T]

Discuss this with your fiance and let HER decide if she wants to stick with you or move on. It sounds like you have got a real winner in her. She stuck by you when you were going through this panic and gave you support. That's very hard to find. Talk about your feelings with her, let her know exactly what's on your mind and then ask her what she would like to do.

 

Meanwhile, it's my feeling you need to see a counselor to get to the root of this panic. You've got some serious subconscious issues associated with commitment and relationships and that needs to be addressed before you can be successful in any relationship. My bet is that it has a lot to do with issues in your childhood but there could be other things you are associating with making major changes in your life...maybe finances...maybe you are just plain scared of making a commitment to one person.

 

Again, work through this together. You signed the lease...now be a man and stick with it.

 

Also, a good doctor can give you medication to help you through this time if the panic comes back. Try to relax. Billions of people have gone through the same thing you're going through and they have been just fine.

 

Good luck!

[Vizion]

Thanks Tony.

 

I was prepared to man-up and accept the lease, however, the landlord was very gracious and agreed to cancel the lease as we had only signed it a few days prior.

 

And, yes - you are right that my fiancee is a really special find. I am not sure if she will be willing to stay with me after this. We will have to see.

 

I am scheduled to see a psychiatrist on Thursday. I will see how that goes.

 

I feel pretty terrible about my behavior, since I really betrayed the trust of my fiancee with this. Unfortunately, the feelings were so overwhelming that I had to act on them, otherwise I felt that I would be a walking zombie - which would have been even more unpleasant and unfair to my fiancee. She deserves and needs someone who can be totally committed. It may be possible that I can get there and stay there - I don't know. But, I am definitely committed to working on it and ironing out my issues.

[Tony T]

Don't stress yourself working on this. I think you'll be able to function a lot better knowing you have the understanding and support of your lady. The fact that you seem so willing to turn her loose gives me hints to what may be your problem...commitment phobia.... Stopping feeling like you'll be such a drag and burden to her. That's a problem as well...somewhere along the line you got a serious self esteem problem. You are NOT a burden to someone who loves you because you have developed some issues that need tending to. We all have those issues.

 

I think you need to face your fears and work them through. Do that rather than running away from them and you might find yourself a very happy camper. Good luck in working with your psychiatrist. If you don't think he's onto something good for you, try another one.

[Vizion]

Thanks Tony. I am not sure if she will be willing to continue with the engagement after this. She is a very forgiving person, but everyone has their limits, I know.

 

Yes, you are correct - I have identified myself as a hard-core commitment-phobe. I am determined to resolve this and get to the bottom of this problem. The funny thing about it is that I recognize that this is rooted in self esteem issues, but once you realize that you are a commitment-phobe, it is not easy to view yourself in a highly positive light. That is sort of the rub for me here.

 

I know that my task is to get myself to a point where I can freely make the commitment of my own accord - not just because she wants me to. This was at the core of my panic - that I was losing control of my life - she was taking the lead of walking down the aisle, and I was going along with it passively out of my love for her - because it was what she wanted to do. I hadn't quite gotten to the point of where I was ready to do it. What I need to do is to not force this, but enter into this willingly and out of my own desire for her.

[Tony T]

Unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life you'll have to fess up these fears to the special lady in your life. Why don't you start with this one. It's not likely that this fear will magically ever go away. You've got to work with it. You've got to let this lady know exactly what it will take from her to make the relationship work.

 

Fears often disappear through systematic desensitization. The first good step would have been to let her spend some nights with you each week...then get a place with her with the understanding that if you freak out you can sleep in the living room or camp in the park. You just keep taking steps until you get to where you want to be.

 

Committed relationships aren't like prison. With the right person they can lend incredible gifts to your life and make your days a lot more bearable. People who have a special somebody live longer and feel better. Of course, if you end up with a bixtch, then you have to deal with that appropriately.

 

If you make the decision you just don't want to go through the mental stuff...you don't want to deal with it...then leave this site and go watch TV with your dog. Unless you REALLY want to get over this, unless you really want somebody important in your life in a committed way all the psychiatrists, all the drugs, all the Jerry Springer trailer trash, all the hypnosis, etc. won't do a thing.

 

You still seem hell bent on parting with this lady. Maybe she's just not the one for you. Maybe when you truly meet Ms. Right you won't feel this panic. Geeze, who knows?

[Vizion]

I have been completely honest with my fiancee about these fears - and the amazing thing is that she has been incredibly supportive. Of course, now this makes me feel pretty guilty about all the energy I sapped out of her.

 

I am not sure if she will be willing to work on these fears with me. I am expecting that we will need to do some couples counseling - which I am very happy to do if she is willing to do it. We did this before briefly, but only a couple of sessions.

 

I DO want to be in a committed relationship - so I am willing to do the work to figure out a resolution to my fears.

 

Right now, I will need to be patient, and let a few days go by so I can relax - and hopefully she can relax. I feel a compulsion to call my fiancee and see how she is doing. But, I am going to leave that ball in her court. I told her by email that if she wanted to call me at any time, she was welcome to do so, and that I would be calling her this weekend to check in with her.

[Tony T]

I have been completely honest with my fiancee about these fears - and the amazing thing is that she has been incredibly supportive. Of course, now this makes me feel pretty guilty about all the energy I sapped out of her.

 

I am not sure if she will be willing to work on these fears with me. I am expecting that we will need to do some couples counseling - which I am very happy to do if she is willing to do it. We did this before briefly, but only a couple of sessions.

 

I DO want to be in a committed relationship - so I am willing to do the work to figure out a resolution to my fears.

 

Right now, I will need to be patient, and let a few days go by so I can relax - and hopefully she can relax. I feel a compulsion to call my fiancee and see how she is doing. But, I am going to leave that ball in her court. I told her by email that if she wanted to call me at any time, she was welcome to do so, and that I would be calling her this weekend to check in with her.

 

Hey, this lady has been incredibly kind, generous and supportive of you. Why would you want to wait until the weekend to call her? Do it now!!! It sounds like she really wants to be there for you but you have to do your part.

 

Good luck in your therapy!

[Vizion]

OK - thanks for the advice. I did just call her and left a message. I am guessing that she is out getting support from friends.

 

It is hard for me to describe how much I owe this person in terms of emotional support. On the message I told her that I was willing to communicate with her (or not) in whatever fashion she wished - so that she knows that I am not abandoning her, but she has control over the communications for the time being. If she needs to be alone, or not.

[Vizion]

OK - it is the day after the incident, and I can see that I am beginning to follow the classic paths of the commitment-phobe. Now that the reality of what I have done is sinking in - that I have betrayed and may have lost someone whom I love deeply - I am now feeling quite depressed, and I am having a hard time functioning at work. As soon as something is lost, you regret it.

 

My fiancee I think is keeping contact to a minimum, probably on the advice of her therapist. Or, perhaps she simply does not want to talk to me about it.

 

I am really worried about my fiancee. I want to call her and comfort her, but my previous behavior has frightened me so much, and that I fear that if I were to reach out to her to try and comfort her, I might end up saying other hurtful things. I guess that is how bad I gave let myself slip - I don't even trust myself anymore. Hmm... not good. I clearly have A LOT of work to do on this.

 

I am going to see a psychiatrist on Thursday - hopefully I will get a little insight out of that.

[whichwayisup]

What was the big rush to get married? Why not just enjoy eachother. Get that therapy in to help you cope and understand your fears.

 

All I can tell ya is, if you love her, work on yourself...And hopefully once you put your past fears aside, realize she isn't going to hurt you, or leave you - you two CAN be happy. I hope she is understanding and is willing to give you time to figure this out.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Vizion]

Well, my fiancee is 38 and she wants to have children. It may already be too late, I don't know. I can completely understand her position. I love her, so I am trying to meet her where she needs to be. A couple of months ago, she was telling me that we needed to move forward or else. I took a couple of weeks to see if I was ready, and basically decided that I wasn't sure, but I was sure that I didn't want to break it off with her. Therefore, my only choice was to go forward with what she wanted. The first step she took was to find a place for us to live. When we got down to signing the lease, my panic set in, because I realized I was no longer in control of my life - she was leading, and I was following, or rather - being pulled along.

 

I clearly have some real fears about marriage, due to how badly my first marriage went. It was a pretty traumatic experience for me. I am currently reading "The Good Marriage" by Judith Wallerstein. I am realizing that I have a negative view of marriage due to my own personal history. This book is really marvelous, as it paints vivid portraits of marriages that work, and what is necessary in order to make them work. I am realizing that what I need is to develop a clear, good vision of a good marriage, and somehow erase my old, negative image.

 

Unfortunately, this may take some time, and I am not sure that my fiancee is willing to wait around while I figure that out. The trust in the relationship may be totally shot, for all I know, due to the drop in trust. I think I will find out in a few days.

 

I should note that even though I am calling her my fiancee - we are not formally engaged at this point - we had just agreed to get engaged - so I guess you could say we are engaged to be engaged. (The ultimate hedge!)

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, she doesn't have the time. If you do not want to be married, or have kids, you need to end with her now. She wants kids...Bottomline.

 

Put a time limit on this. Say 3 months. You should have some sort of idea with the help of therapy to know if you want to have a committment and have kids. In 6 months if you still feel the same way as you do now, you gotta end it.

[Vizion]

Yes, you are correct. I really have a very narrow window of time to muster up my courage to go through with this all of the way.

 

My first steps:

 

1. Regain my mental and emotional balance.

2. Check to see if this is something that I truly want to pursue.

3. If yes, then I need to see if my fiancee is willing to do the work with me - to get me to that place where my fears subside.

 

Then, we can start working on the problems I am having.

[suzy61]

Agh!!!You guys are so logical about all this!!

Right so I've done the major panic attacks for no apparent reason about a great relationship.It takes a lot to work back from them. A lot. I don't think a psychiatrist is the answer actually, I think they'll just ask you a whole lot more questions, and you'll end up questioning yourself and your relationship into non-existence. You're not crazy or unhinged or anything, you just got afraid. It was probably there in your subconcious for a long time, and your panic attack was your brain's way of saying "HELLO!!!!DO you not remember this before?!!This was bad!Run away!!!".It's the flight or fight instinct, comes from centuries ago when life was at it's most basic and the strongest instinct was to survive. When threatened, the body's systems produced large amounts of adrenaline and prepared the body to run away or to stay and fight. Unfortunately in today's society, we can't react in such basic ways, but our bodys' internal system still defends us in the same way. Therefore the adrenaline is not "used" for anything, and because we don't physically react, more is produced....and panic attacks result.They are very common.I've been there!!!

Setting the biology aside, I think a counsellor would be more help to you. You're looking for counselling as to which direction to go in, why you might be feeling this way.You're not looking to figure out which incident in your childhood caused this, and that's probably what you'll get from a psychiatrist. You've obviously got a great fiancee, who's very understanding. Just one thing about taking stuff slow, and waiting til you feel okay.....you've got to go out and try and feel okay. You won't wake up one morning and think "yeah, today's the day I feel okay with all this"/ You've got to push out the fears and boundaries more and more over a period of time.

Best of luck!!I found a website by the way with a really good counsellor on it it's www.serenity.com (I think.Or a version of that anyway). Try it, the guys good!!

[justpassingthrough]

Suzy, I was right there with ya until we got to the bladder weakness web page.

 

What's up with that?

[Art_Critic]

I found a website by the way with a really good counsellor on it it's (I think.Or a version of that anyway). Try it, the guys good!!

 

......

 

Sorry Suzy... I had to laugh when I clicked on your link...

[Blackberry]

Discuss this with your fiance and let HER decide if she wants to stick with you or move on. It sounds like you have got a real winner in her. She stuck by you when you were going through this panic and gave you support. That's very hard to find. Talk about your feelings with her, let her know exactly what's on your mind and then ask her what she would like to do.

 

Meanwhile, it's my feeling you need to see a counselor to get to the root of this panic. You've got some serious subconscious issues associated with commitment and relationships and that needs to be addressed before you can be successful in any relationship. My bet is that it has a lot to do with issues in your childhood but there could be other things you are associating with making major changes in your life...maybe finances...maybe you are just plain scared of making a commitment to one person.

 

Again, work through this together. You signed the lease...now be a man and stick with it.

 

Also, a good doctor can give you medication to help you through this time if the panic comes back. Try to relax. Billions of people have gone through the same thing you're going through and they have been just fine.

 

Good luck!

Well, it is not so surprising that she stuck by you because women are pretty desperate to hang on to their man no matter how badly they are treated.

[Blackberry]

What was the big rush to get married? Why not just enjoy eachother. Get that therapy in to help you cope and understand your fears.

 

All I can tell ya is, if you love her, work on yourself...And hopefully once you put your past fears aside, realize she isn't going to hurt you, or leave you - you two CAN be happy. I hope she is understanding and is willing to give you time to figure this out.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

They've been seeing each other for two years, marriage is the next natural step (in a normal, healthy relationship.) Two and a half years is definitely not rushing anything, LOL. Just because your own man won't make the ultimate commitment and propose to you, doesn't mean that other men aren't man enough to really show their love to their woman with a TRUE commitment (wedding) instead of the living together for years commonlaw whatever bs crap which is the same as "I don't love you enough to marry you but it's convenient so I'll stay."

[Timberlane]

Well, it is not so surprising that she stuck by you because women are pretty desperate to hang on to their man no matter how badly they are treated.

 

Not the women I know. Don't dis all the sistahs.