any other reformed cheaters out there?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

so after being told that i will more than likely cheat because i did when i was young, stupid, and didn't have any respect for who i was or who i was dating, i thought i'd ask...

 

any other reformed cheaters out there?

 

for example, i am in a several-years-long relationship, engaged, and haven't cheated on anyone since my second year of college, which was about 10 years ago. keep in mind i didn't start school right away either.

 

i have no thoughts of cheating, in fact, i don't even think about the subject until i come here and see posts about it. it is so removed from my mind and so far into my past that it's like seeing a whole different person living a whole different life. i'm happy, i'm content, we deal with our ups and downs like adults, two committed, very happy, well-adjusted adult.

 

i was told it would be harder for me to not cheat because i did before. i disagree with this in every way someone could disagree with something. if anything, i think it's easier for me because i know what not to do. really, to be truthful,it's not any easier or harder because the subject just isn't...there.

 

i didn't love anyone i cheated on, and i knew i didn't love them. i was young and playing around--not nice, but the truth.

 

i'm not young anymore. i've grown up--all these things i've said in other posts, so no need to post them here.

 

but what about you? anyone else who has cheated, and then never cheated again, or at least thus far?

[Cobra_X30]

Sorry Kenzie,

 

That wasn't what I meant. I apologize.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Sorry Kenzie,

 

That wasn't what I meant. I apologize.

 

oh, i um...didn't mean you...

 

 

(and as for the "young, stupid, and didn't have any respect for who i was or who i was dating", that was me talking about me before, i wasn't implying you said that.)

[Citizen Erased]

I myself have never cheated, but my mum did on my dad and that was about 7 years ago. Since then she was with someone for about 6 years and is now with her current partner since last year. I seriously don't think she would be capable of it again (my mum was never in love with my dad, she just got pregnant to him at 16). I think some people it really does depend on their circumstances. Other people are just *******s.

[underpants]

Hi Kenzie,

 

To be honest. I have never cheated. However, bear with me.

 

I would be very hesitant to date someone with a history of cheating.

 

That being said. I have one friend who I would consider 'reformed'. I have been friends with her and her now husband for years...even before they were married.

 

I never knew of her jaded past and I can't believe I didn't.

 

One night (long years and a couple of children later) her past came out. Her husband and I were both astounded. He even said. "If I would have known that I would have thought twice about marrying you". I felt...awkward to say the least.

 

She said when she met her husband all the gears clicked and she told herself 'I am not going to cheat on this one'. The only thing that makes me believe her is their 12 year marriage of which neither has strayed, not even close.

 

If she or he ever entertained the notion I would have to slap them silly.

 

I commend you on your enlightenment to the pain that cheating/infidelity can cause. Stay true to that no matter what, it will serve you well.

[Whyme_wtf]

i guess you have a different definition of cheating. What do you think it is seeing you thought it was ok because you didnt love anyone?

Cheating can mean different things to different people.

IMO it is sharing emotional and/or physical things by deceiving thier SO.

If there is an agreement or exclusivity, then anything to cause to believe what is not true or mislead is cheating.

So to some it can mean as simple as a lie or untruth. Otheres may think it is only physical. The deepest is an emotional one.

IMO if someone lies they will do it again. Usually they get bigger and bigger.

So IMO once a cheater, always will be a cheater.

But I do believe that a person can realize their ways to be wrong and truely set themselves right by being honest with themselves and then to others.

Be honest and humbled.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i guess you have a different definition of cheating. What do you think it is seeing you thought it was ok because you didnt love anyone?

Cheating can mean different things to different people.

IMO it is sharing emotional and/or physical things by deceiving thier SO.

If there is an agreement or exclusivity, then anything to cause to believe what is not true or mislead is cheating.

So to some it can mean as simple as a lie or untruth. Otheres may think it is only physical. The deepest is an emotional one.

IMO if someone lies they will do it again. Usually they get bigger and bigger.

So IMO once a cheater, always will be a cheater.

But I do believe that a person can realize their ways to be wrong and truely set themselves right by being honest with themselves and then to others.

Be honest and humbled.

 

i never said that it was okay because of those reasons. i know it's not okay. i said those are reasons i have cheated in the past, and that i don't feel that way anymore.

 

i don't know if you've noticed, but i think i've been pretty honest.

 

but thanks for your input!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

I would be very hesitant to date someone with a history of cheating.

 

 

I commend you on your enlightenment to the pain that cheating/infidelity can cause. Stay true to that no matter what, it will serve you well.

 

first part, i do agree with you there. i would also be hesitant to date someone who admittedly cheated like i have. i know that makes me sound like a hypocrite but... i can only really know me. it does take a lot of trust, and i am glad i found someone who is willing to give me the chance i might not give someone else.

 

as for the second part, thank you very much. even thought i do have to admit, it wasn't really others' pain that changed me, it was just me getting past a behaviour i knew wasn't working for me and finding happiness with myself plus another. but thank you, really.

[Spoonandfork22]

i cheated on my ex, broke up with him the next day. i couldnt believe i would do that. i have always been the one to LITERALLy yell at someone if i knew they were cheating. it disgusts me that they could do something like that to someone and then be all romantic with their SO the next day. so when i did it, i knew instantly that my bf was not the one for me. the fact that i would do that to someone i 'loved' grossed me out and thats why as soon as i spoke with him the next morning i ended things. i knew we were done for awhile but that finally got me to wake up and realize things werent changing, i needed to move on.

 

that being said i would NEVER cheat again. never. i still cant believe that i did back then. im in a relationship now with a wonderful man and honestly im more paranoid HE will stray. now i dont know if thats b.c. someone like me did it in the past, someone who was so morally against it, i figure anyone can cheat. im pretty sure my current bf knows about my past but he never judged me for it and has trusted me since day one.

 

so i guess i am a 'reformed' cheater? i know i wouldnt do it again, and anyone who would judge me for my past i would be saddened by b.c. i know that people can change. i understand it is a bad reputation to have b.c. of trust issues but i think it def. can be done.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i cheated on my ex, broke up with him the next day. i couldnt believe i would do that. i have always been the one to LITERALLy yell at someone if i knew they were cheating. it disgusts me that they could do something like that to someone and then be all romantic with their SO the next day. so when i did it, i knew instantly that my bf was not the one for me. the fact that i would do that to someone i 'loved' grossed me out and thats why as soon as i spoke with him the next morning i ended things. i knew we were done for awhile but that finally got me to wake up and realize things werent changing, i needed to move on.

 

that being said i would NEVER cheat again. never. i still cant believe that i did back then. im in a relationship now with a wonderful man and honestly im more paranoid HE will stray. now i dont know if thats b.c. someone like me did it in the past, someone who was so morally against it, i figure anyone can cheat. im pretty sure my current bf knows about my past but he never judged me for it and has trusted me since day one.

 

so i guess i am a 'reformed' cheater? i know i wouldnt do it again, and anyone who would judge me for my past i would be saddened by b.c. i know that people can change. i understand it is a bad reputation to have b.c. of trust issues but i think it def. can be done.

 

yeah, so you're in the same situation i am. high five. maybe we can make believers out of some of these jaded characters. there are so few of us, apparently. thanks for sharing.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm a reformed cheater. My story is posted in many places on this board.

 

In my opinion, it causes too much hurt to everyone involved. The guilt I have over what I did to my ex and my children by doing this is tremendous.

It's also too much drama and too much trouble to involve yourself in something like this.

 

My ex neglected me for years before I had my affair. That's not to say that

it's his fault that I cheated. I completely own that choice. I even told him at one point I would either leave him or cheat if he didn't start working on our marriage. He told me he didn't have time to work on our marriage! He also refused to go to counseling- even with our own pastor.

 

If I could go back in time I would have just divorced him and not cheated. I would still have my reputation and the respect of many people that I let down. That would have been a much better way to handle the whole thing.

[Woggle]

I do realize that people make mistakes but I would be leery of dating a woman that was a cheater. If she had genuine remorse and saw that what she did was wrong I would maybe give her a chance because I do believe people can change but if she had no remorse and felt entitled to it I would run away from her. With former cheaters a lot has to do with their attitude towards the whole thing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Solidly reformed here, too. Have been for years now. I can't imagine ever going back to that mindset, and to be honest its hard to believe now that I was ever in it in the first place.

[bish]

I do realize that people make mistakes

 

Again...cheating is NOT a mistake. It is a conscious decision to betray someone for personal gratification.

 

A mistake would be if you crawled in bed with someone in the dark thinking it was your SO only to find out after it was over that it wasn't your SO.

 

Cheating involves knowingly messing around with someone other than your SO. It is not a mistake. Cheaters know exactly what they are doing.

[Woggle]

Again...cheating is NOT a mistake. It is a conscious decision to betray someone for personal gratification.

 

A mistake would be if you crawled in bed with someone in the dark thinking it was your SO only to find out after it was over that it wasn't your SO.

 

Cheating involves knowingly messing around with someone other than your SO. It is not a mistake. Cheaters know exactly what they are doing.

 

I agree that cheating is not a passive act but if somebody was stupid and selfish and their younger days but then went on to be a loving and faithful partner I would say they have made up for their sins.

[Mz. Pixie]

I do realize that people make mistakes but I would be leery of dating a woman that was a cheater.

 

And that's understandable. Thankfully my husband didn't feel the same way- even though he had been cheated on before by his ex wife.

 

I agree that cheating is not a passive act but if somebody was stupid and selfish and their younger days but then went on to be a loving and faithful partner I would say they have made up for their sins.

 

You're growing Woggle!!

[cj1988]

I have to agree, I have cheated on someone and now have been cheated on again. It is the most selfish act you can ever commit against someone you care about as well as yourself. It is a choice and not a MISTAKE.

 

You can say all she or he did not want me, pay attention to me, etc.....Fact is you should END the relationship before you decide to get EMOTIONALLY or PHYSICALLY involved with someone else.

 

I do not feel sorry for any cheaters including myself !

[BentSpine]

No, I would not say that I have reformed.

 

If you would put me in the same situation with the same circumstances I would very likely cheat again.

 

The difference is that this time around I KNOW what my needs are and what doesn't work for me. So I screen potential partners differently now to avoid ending up in a similar situation that doesn't meet my needs.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

The difference is that this time around I KNOW what my needs are and what doesn't work for me. So I screen potential partners differently now to avoid ending up in a similar situation that doesn't meet my needs.

 

fair enough.

[uniqueone]

My belief is.....after the age of 25....once a cheater....always a cheater holds true most of the time. Before age 25, I think we can disqualify that period--although it still makes cheating wrong.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater holds true a good deal of the time. In fact, those who cheat once, (say in a marriage), often find that it's easier to cheat again later because they've gotten over the initial moral struggle within themselves to cross that line. They can then reason "well, I'm ALREADY a cheater anyway, so......"

 

To cheat means that a person hasn't learned how to deal correctly with either difficult situations (not communicating well with their partner) or they have weak impulsivity control.

 

Impulsivity control tends to be part of a person's makeup and isn't easily changed. If it's due to alcohol, then it can be changed if they control their drinking. If it's just a part of their makeup, it can be controlled through other drugs but that's only if they seek help for it. Communication problems can be changed but not many people are great at changing them.

 

Cheaters can change but many tend to be escapists. They don't like to deal with things....that's why they cheat...it's easier than dealing with things. Because they're escapists, they don't really want to face the issue of changing because that means admitting there's a problem and escapists don't like to do that. (many escapists are also known to turn to alcohol).

 

So...while it's possible for a cheater to become a non-cheater.....I would say that it's unlikely.

[fetish]

been w/ my gf for 4 years and I've cheated last year. I was immature and thought that's just what guys did. I felt a horrible load of guilt once i did it and vowed to never do it again. I also thought about how crushed I would be if i found out she was cheating on me. I never came clean with her but she left out of town for a summer internship this year for 3 months and i didn't cheat. I didn't go out clubbin much to avoid temptation. I'd say i'm tryin to do the right thing so i'm reformed in the making.

[confused39]

I've cheated. And I've pretty much concluded that its one of the THE most immature act any adult can commit. Immature because we're afraid to do the mature, responsible thing and end the relationship we're in, we'd rather take the easy way out and thumb our nose at committment....because we find ways to justify it.

 

I've cheated, and never been caught. I'm in a committed relationship now, and still experience the occasional temptation. But I'm not going there. I've also been cheated ON, and it was such an awful hurt. AWFUL hurt. I refuse to ride any side of that cheating fence again.

 

So yep, I'm a reformed cheater. Won't go there again.

[bish]

Sorry, I'll just never see it that way especially from my standpoint since I have never cheated and never will.

 

My experience has shown me that not a one of the cheaters, or people I knew had cheated, could ever be trusted. Are their TRULY reformed cheaters out there? My opinion....no...not TRULY reformed anyway.

 

Its like an alcoholic. An alcoholic can vow to never let liquor touch their lips again, but the still desperately want a swig now and then.

Just like cheaters....they may never physically cheat again, but deep down, you know they want to. Ya I know, you'll get a few that say, "that is so not true"...well...sorry, I just don't believe it based on experience.

[Flyin in Clouds]

hmm... cheating is a basic character flaw and a kind of sexual "crime". (before anyone flames note the quotes).

 

Are pedophiles likely to repeat their offense? Stats say yes.

 

Are cheaters likely to repeat. Some probably, many not, BUT....

 

I would say that being a cheater is some what like being an alcoholic. Any friends of Bill W. here? Once with the program some alcoholics may never drink again. But usually they have to work at not drinking the rest of their lives. For some alcoholics they can "grow" out of it. For others it is a permanent life long condition. And so I'd say cheaters are like that too. Some may never cheat again, others may fall off the wagon repeatedly.

 

Nobody but you can tell which kind you are. It sounds like you are the knd that "grew" out of it, but I would be very self aware and thus careful to not let yourself slip up. To thyne own self be true ....

[blind_otter]

Reformed cheater here. Clean 2 years in january.