Just realized I love her... after 2 months of NC

[Ormolu611]

Take a step back and HONESTLY tell me what you think she is thinking right now and what she is going to do when you go through with your plan. She has been direct with you on what she wants and it's clear she is not playing games. There is no hidden meaning behind her words.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, just that from my own experiences and the stories I've read on here for the past few years I can almost with certainty on what the outcome is going to be.

 

It doesn't matter what you give her or what or how you talk to her, she has made it clear that she is moving on. It is a hard lesson, we have all endured it. There are things in my past that I wish I had done different. There is one woman that I screwed up with and miss her so much. However we can't go back and change time. If she wants to get back with you, she will find you. Give her that. Any approach you try right now is going to feel like pressure to her.

 

Agreed. By continually focusing on winning her back despite how clear she has been, all you are doing is showing her that what you want is more important than what she wants. Not a good message indeed. Surely you can see how it starts to come off as disrespectful. Just my $.02 . . . okay, maybe $.04

[reboot]

In this case, a good alternative to "I love you" might be "I am fixated on you".

[Trialbyfire]

What is a good alternative to the phrase: "I love you"?

 

Spanish has so many words describing different intensities of feeling, but english just has "love". That might freak her out.

 

Care for?

 

Feelings for?

 

I like you? She used to tell me that one all the time.

 

Or something lame like "I lubb you"? Oh man, did I just write that?

 

Any input is appreciated!

Do you love her? What do you honestly feel about her? Once again, you're treating her like a trophy, to win the game.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

My father passed away a month ago and I thank you for the slack you cut me there, Greenfrog. She never crossed my mind. And no, I'm not trying to fill any void left in my heart with an ex flame. This is completely spontaneous, out of the blue, that I started thinking of her again.

 

Throughout this thread I've sounded like a conceited jerk because I went into a little detail on my relationship with women lately and my generous self-description. Both things were done to:

 

1. Convey the point that I'm not obsessed with this girl because she's the only or the best I could do.

 

2. To let you know that you're not dealing with an ugly, loser, old loser, rather with someone in his prime.

 

Maybe that's why I never got any advice from anyone on how to get her back, rather support for her and attempts to persuade me to let her go.

 

I looked at some posts of people that replied to me and most of their original posts deal with similar situations. Why the hypocrisy? Maybe you're speaking from experience, but I'm sure that at least one person here has been able to win back the love of an ex.

 

I hope I get some feedback as I will be out of the state all day.

 

You've got a very strange idea of what a woman wants Mike. Think about what you actually offered her, emotionally, physically, mentally. Maybe, and I dont want to bruise your massive ego here, but just maybe, she realised that you were not what she wanted. That she deserved better. You realised it too, albeit too late.

 

You cant change how another person feels, no matter how hard you try, you can only be responsible for yourself. Good for her if she DOES feel her ego-growing by letting you go, because I bet she probably felt pretty low with the way she allowed herself to be treat by you.

 

The thing is, you LOVE this girl right? Because love is selfless, love putting her happiness ahead of your own needs. That said, she moves on and is truly happy without you, you love her enough to be happy for her, right?

 

There's nothing wrong with being self-assured Mike. But there is a fine line between self-assurance and arrogance, and its certainly arrogant to assume that you can rebuild trust within this relationship based on your past actions.

[mikeraw]

Do you guys remember Wayne's World? When they sign that deal with Rob Lowe's character?

 

WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS! WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS! WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

 

Discuss amongst yourselves.

[jmargel]

Do you guys remember Wayne's World? When they sign that deal with Rob Lowe's character?

 

WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS! WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS! WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

 

Discuss amongst yourselves.

 

Tell us what kind of pepper spray she uses on you when you harass her enough. I need a good laugh.

[blueladybird]

OMG....this guys has received some bashing!!!

 

lol.....i dont know what to say. As a female, when men mistreat, me I ensure i dont go back to them...it depends tho..if he can convince me enough and show he has changed..then maybe.

 

everyone deserves a 2nd chance guys. Yes he has done some horrid stuff, but enough with the bashing.LOL.

 

advice?...give her more space, then talk to her...show her that you will be better to her. If she still doesnt agree, just LET IT BE.

 

At least you tried, but you cant force someoneto be with you :-s.xx

[Trialbyfire]

Do you guys remember Wayne's World? When they sign that deal with Rob Lowe's character?

 

WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS! WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS! WE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

 

Discuss amongst yourselves.

WE'VE GOT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS BUT WE STILL DON'T HAVE THE GIRL BACK BECAUSE WE DON'T REALLY WANT HER, WE JUST WANT TO WIN!!

[mikeraw]

We ARE back together. We've spent all day Saturday together. We're taking it slow, and I'm trying to avoid calling her too much so as to not push her away. Her friends dont' like me, though, so I'm in a tough situation, but whatever. I haven't even addressed the issue of her ex yet.

 

Thanks for all the feedback, especially the positive, realistic ones. And, of course, a big "F*** you!" to the haters.

[jmargel]

We ARE back together. We've spent all day Saturday together. We're taking it slow, and I'm trying to avoid calling her too much so as to not push her away. Her friends dont' like me, though, so I'm in a tough situation, but whatever. I haven't even addressed the issue of her ex yet.

 

Thanks for all the feedback, especially the positive, realistic ones. And, of course, a big "F*** you!" to the haters.

 

Lies.. Your ego is so big that you can't even come on here with the truth. You have alot of growing up to do and I hope for this girl that you truly leave her alone.

 

You act like a child, and that is the reason why you are alone now and will be for a very long time.

[mikeraw]

Yeah, somehow I'm not surprised that you're labeling me a liar. Oh well.

[Spinderella]

Best wishes for a happy relationship.

[Perikles]

Hi there--it sounds like you know you screwed up. Unfortunately, by this time, this girl has been mistreated ENOUGH, and is obviously done with you. Not answering calls, emails, etc., and telling you straight out that she's moved on to someone from her past is usually a very obvious message... I used to be like you are, though, so I have complete understanding. You can't hear the truth because it's too painful... you acted like an *** and you know it. It's too late with this girl, but now you know what you did, and you are young, and life is long, and you can work on fixing yourself so that the next time a nice girl comes along, you don't treat her like this.

 

I understand that you got the idea that somehow girls like "bad boys", but this is simply not true, past a certain age, especially. Perhaps when they are teenagers, trying out different types of guys, attracted to danger, but certainly not as women mature and want to settle down. Let go of that idea; it's holding you back.

 

Alot of what you're describing are maturity issues. You need to grow up! I know you know that. You can give yourself a time out right now, calm down, get some space and distance from this girl and the problem, and DO NOT go get wasted, go improve yourself. Do things that will make you more attractive to the kind of women you want to attract!

 

I know this is the hard way; I know this sounds terrible, cause there's no easy fix or solution. But seriously, she won't be coming back. Any sane woman who wants to settle down is going to steer clear of a guy who sends out the mixed signals you're sending. You're not ready!

 

I've been married for 21 years, and I'm 48, and I would NEVER want someone like you for my daughter, who has found a steady guy who absolutely adores her and puts her first. She is very fortunate; I hope you become this kind of guy someday, and maybe you will, but you have to stop thinking only of your own needs.

 

When you meet the next nice girl, be sure to ask her where she works; ask her about herself, about her interests. Show her respect! Show that you care about something other than yourself! This will pave the way to a relationship based on caring, not on ego.

 

Good luck!

[mikeraw]

So I was hanging out with the girl this weekend and we went to jog to the park like we used to do when we were together... when we came back, she took a shower and I just hung out in her room. Well, her computer was on and she has gmail. Those of you familiar with gmail know how it stores absolutely everything for access at later times so you hardly ever erase anything...

 

So even though I had had many chances in past to look around her gmail, I never did it because it's just wrong. But this time I did it... I looked for recent activity and also for activity during the time we dated. Not only is this chick still talking and seeing other guys, but she was also doing the same during our initial period together...

 

Somehow, I'm not surprised by this. I pretended like nothing was wrong and just came back to my house and went out with my friends... today sunday I haven't talked to her... I'm thinking of sending her a one-line email and just going cold turkey... apparently she still plans on moving back to her home state in DEC or JAN so I might as well cut my losses...

 

The email I have in mind goes like this:

 

XXX,

 

I found out you were seeing other people during our time together and continue to do so.j I don't appreciate your dishonesty and hypocrisy.

 

Mikeraw

 

 

Any suggestions? Short, simple, straight to the point.

 

On another note, not that I was an angel cuz I was doing the same thing, but that's so typical of women to turn every situation around and blame the guy, even when they're as guilty. My mother always taught me that women are smarter than men, and I have never questioned that, but damn, how could I blame myself 100% when she was also guilty... Serves me right for assuming that a girl that I meet at a club is actually decent!

[Spinderella]

The email is fine. Direct and honest. Of course you have to take into consideration that if someone (you) are not behaving exclusively, then the other person would not likely treat the relationship as an exclusive one.

[mikeraw]

Well, we're not officially together, but we spend almost every available moment together. We've been intimate only a couple of times since we're back on speaking terms, but in all honestly, that's not very important to me right now. I haven't been with anyone else since we reestablished a relationship.

 

I'm upset about her behaviour during our initial period together... the gall, the NERVE that she behaved the same way and only accused me of being a bad person...

 

This is obviously a disfunctional relationship... We're both from different cultures... different countries, different backgrounds, our parents have different levels of education, etc... maybe she was raised on different values than I was... All my rude behavior has been as a result of a conscious effort on my part to act like a jerk and be an ass, but to her, this coldness, this sluttiness, seems to come naturally...

 

I think I idealized this too much...

[Spinderella]

This is obviously a disfunctional relationship... We're both from different cultures... different countries, different backgrounds, our parents have different levels of education, etc... maybe she was raised on different values than I was... All my rude behavior has been as a result of a conscious effort on my part to act like a jerk and be an ass, but to her, this coldness, this sluttiness, seems to come naturally...

 

So your own coldness and sluttiness is excusable, but hers isnt?

[mikeraw]

I can't justify my actions, but if she's as guilty as I am, why did she react like such a victim? This is more a rhetorical question than an actual one... We were both wrong. I just want to call her out on it. I really really regret behaving like this, she obviously doesn't because she has kept doing it.

[Spinderella]

Maybe when you acted that way, you attracted and were attracted to similar people. After all, if you went out of your way to become this person, you must have looked up to that kind of person. It took this to come to a realisation that your werent pleased with yourself for acting that way, and wanted to be different.

The only difference between you is, that you had a realisation that you wanted a more meaningful relationship.

All of this though is based on the assumption that you have interpreted her mails correctly. You havent given details, but it is also possible that you will be suspicious of other people behaving this way, because you yourself behave this way. Its possible.

After all, you must have been suspicious to snoop in the first place.

[mikeraw]

The only constant suspicion that I had was that I slept with her after the second time I saw her. That's way too soon for a decent girl, no? Hell, any guy would wait even a few months for a decent, nice girl... So this is what made me suspicious...

 

The emails are pretty straightforward... She emails her friends her activities during the time we were dating, speaking of going on dates with lawyers (I'm an engineer), of being in touch with her ex-BF, etc... It's obvious she always had feelings for him... oh well... I hate losing...

 

Spinderella, your explanation makes sense... I got exactly what I wanted... An easy hot chick to constantly have sex with... I never thought that I was going to fall for her, but I did... I think she was also starting to develop feelings for me because she went far out of her way for me and did everything that I wanted... I appreciated that in retrospect and that's when I realized I fell for her...

 

It's absolutely heart-breaking for me, though, to know that once she leaves to her home state (WI) I will never have her in my life again... It scares me that I'll live another 40 years and I will always think of her... The email I sent is pretty final and I will avoid her at all costs, though knowing her, she won't look for me. Also, the guy she is getting back together with, the ex of 4 yrs, is a doctor... a successful, good looking guy that works in her same field (this girl is a nurse).

 

What chance do I have that she'll ever consider looking for me?

 

That, to me, is complete and utter failure.

[Spinderella]

The only constant suspicion that I had was that I slept with her after the second time I saw her. That's way too soon for a decent girl, no? Hell, any guy would wait even a few months for a decent, nice girl... So this is what made me suspicious...

I would think the bigger crime would be sleeping with someone you felt this way about, in fact, thats the only crime.

Does this description of someone who sleeps with a person on the second date also apply to you?

Spinderella, your explanation makes sense... I got exactly what I wanted... An easy hot chick to constantly have sex with...

No you got what you put out, disrespect and lack of monogamy.

It's absolutely heart-breaking for me, though, to know that once she leaves to her home state (WI) I will never have her in my life again... It scares me that I'll live another 40 years and I will always think of her... The email I sent is pretty final and I will avoid her at all costs, though knowing her, she won't look for me. Also, the guy she is getting back together with, the ex of 4 yrs, is a doctor... a successful, good looking guy that works in her same field (this girl is a nurse).

Did you even give her a chance to explain?

That, to me, is complete and utter failure.

No failure is ever failure if you turn it into a success, in other words, if you decide to learn from it as best you can. Theres a thread in this section, by a user called Matty Tee, it might help you to understand this concept.