long story...but short

[hiswife]

OK. Some of you have really been helping me out with mine and my H's problems (mostly the problems that I have been having). H and I got into another huge fight (over the same thing) and he said that he was done with me. I keep on invading his privacy, checking his history every day on the computer, he said that I promised that I wouldn't let our fights get out of hand again and that I went back to my old self within 2 weeks. He said that he has been trying to keep his distance from me, knowing that I would put him down again.

I told him to give me another chance, that I am truly sorry and that I am trying to work out my jealousy problems. That it is hard for me to deal with that he has an attractive friend that is a girl.

I told him that his way of dealing isn't working for either one of us (him keeping me at a distance). That he needs to get his hurt and anger out and forgive me or our relationship is doomed. At the time, he didn't care. He said he has put up with my moods and hatefulness for too long and that he doesn't see me changing. I said he needs to give me another chance. He said that he couldn't see our relationship going back to the way that it used to. At this point he was pi$$ed because I wouldn't leave it alone. He said that he is trying. He is here (for the kids of course), and all I am doing is pushing him out the door. I wouldn't shut up about it, I just wanted him to see MY SIDE. I was so upset and begging for him to let me in his heart again. He said that I was pathetic and to let it go and he will deal with it HIS way, not mine.

I told him I can't deal with him living in this house and keeping me at a distance, knowing that his feelings has changed for me. I said please let it go.

I finally just walked away, figured that I need to give him his space, and that our relationship is doomed. I started to take a bath and he walked in and gave me a hug seemed really genuine...like everything was going to be ok between us. I was relieved...

But now I am just aching inside. Did I force him to do this? Did I do the right thing, is he really going to put it behind him and let me prove to him that I am a good wife/mom. I am so confused. After him telling me the he put me at a distance and that his feelings for me has changed...how do I know that he doesn't still feel this way about me? Not sure if he just said those things out of anger (which he normally does) or does he REALLY FEEL THIS WAY? I don't want to force him to love me...

 

I stopped snooping period. I'm not trying to look for things now. I am trying to trust this and trust that we will have our loving relationship back...

 

Just don't know how to deal with this all...

[Woggle]

After years if being verbally and emotionally abused he is tired of it. It will be a long road to making this marriage something he wants to go back to.

[JackJack]

and he said that he was done with me.

 

 

He said that he has been trying to keep his distance from me,

 

He said that I was pathetic and to let it go and he will deal with it HIS way, not mine.

 

 

 

I started to take a bath and he walked in and gave me a hug seemed really genuine...like everything was going to be ok between us.

 

 

*Does he have a split personality? Sorry, but it was just pretty erratic behavior. One way one minute then another the next minute. I do not know your whole story, but I think the main question is, is this how you see yourself spending the rest of your life?

 

*He has issues to deal with and so do you. He can not keep distancing himself becasue he is afriad of what you might say or how you might act. He needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand not to always push the issue to the point of you both getting upset. However, like I said I'm not sure of your whole story. I think the bottom line is, you both either want to work on this or you don't. Game playing needs to be set aside. I also think from what you have desribed with his behavior, it seems he acts this way to keep you confused and where he wants you. Stop playing the game.

[Cobra_X30]

You cant force him to love you... it will always be his choice!

 

Eventually you are going to have to deal with your insecurity and lack of self esteem. Sooner is much better than later!

 

Listen... you need to trust that he see's your side without trying to ram it down his throat! I've been in relationships like that... I left! It gets toxic because suddenly I find myself doing the same thing... because she was trying to hard to get me to see her side... which I already did, that I felt like she wasnt seeing mine. I only played that game for a couple of months, then I just pulled the plug.

 

Right now your pushing him towards this other girl... you need to be pulling him towards you!

 

I think that you need to take some time to think about how you view yourself... all these issues seem to boil down to insecurities and self worth problems. You realize that if you were not worth it, he would have left long ago! You are a good person! You are very smart and very valuable! Believe it!

[Moose]

This story sounds soooo familiar.

 

Do you feel you've lost control over your relationship? Honestly?

 

The reason I say this is because I've went through what your husband is going through right now.....

 

When it comes right down to it, both of you aren't going about this the, "right" way.

 

Neither of you should feel controlling over the other......does that make sense?

[hiswife]

I'm just scared. I could NEVER picture my life without him in it. For all the years that I have pushed him away (because Of my issues) and all the times that I didn't want him kissing me or holding me or feeling like I HAD to have sex with him just to shut him up....he really loved me. Honestly loved me and I pushed it away.

I see him in a different light now. For all the times that I pushed him away...I need the attention right now. I really truly need it. And now I can't tell if he is just used to not giving it to me, or if he doesn't want to. He has been doing sweet things to make sure that things are ok. Like he would reach over and kiss me on my forehead before he goes to sleep or makes sure that he touches me somehow while we are laying down...but the sex is still weird for me. Most of the time BEFORE, I just wanted it to be over and done with...no kissing, no touching...JUST GO! Now I want to be kissed, want him to hold me.

I really want it, not because he wanted to walk out the door, but because I took my blindfold off. I really love my man. I feel like I have fallen in love with him all over. He thinks that I am being nice to him because he almost left.

He really is sending me mixed signals. Or is it my mind messing things up. I think H said everything out of anger, and now thinks that everything is ok.

 

-------------------------

 

Cobra~

I honestly believe him now that he doesn't/or hasn't had feelings for OW. I think it was my insecurites. I think he felt uncomfortable talking to me about it because he knew it will hurt my feelings. Like you said before, I think he was just trying to prevent a fight. I'm not worried about the OW at all, just worried that his feelings for me has permently changed.

 

I need to realize that I have nothing to be insecure about. I am somewhat attractive, he has always loved me for who I was...and we always had something special. Just because a girl becomes his friend doesn't mean that he is messing around with her. He has a few girl friends and I don't see them as threats. The OW just came into our lives at a bad time.

[hiswife]

This story sounds soooo familiar.

 

Do you feel you've lost control over your relationship? Honestly?

 

The reason I say this is because I've went through what your husband is going through right now.....

 

When it comes right down to it, both of you aren't going about this the, "right" way.

 

Neither of you should feel controlling over the other......does that make sense?

 

 

Yes. I feel completely out of control. For the longest time, our lives were only based around US and the KIDS. No one else. Now he has a life, a career that he loves...and I guess I can't change that. I am just completely miserable. I am young, although I feel so old. I have lost all of my friends and don't have time to make new ones. I never had a chance to go to college. I got to enjoy my life somewhat out of HS. But ever since I have met H, my life has revolved only around my family. And I guess I expected H to be the same. I have came to realize that we need other people to socialize with...its not fair that he is the one that gets the friends...

[hiswife]

This story sounds soooo familiar.

 

Do you feel you've lost control over your relationship? Honestly?

 

The reason I say this is because I've went through what your husband is going through right now.....

 

When it comes right down to it, both of you aren't going about this the, "right" way.

 

Neither of you should feel controlling over the other......does that make sense?

 

 

My question is...what is the "right" thing to do besides MC? What can we both do? Give him his space? Forget that it ever happened? Start a new beginning with him?

[IamASelfishSOB]

OK. Some of you have really been helping me out with mine and my H's problems (mostly the problems that I have been having). H and I got into another huge fight (over the same thing) and he said that he was done with me. I keep on invading his privacy, checking his history every day on the computer, he said that I promised that I wouldn't let our fights get out of hand again and that I went back to my old self within 2 weeks. He said that he has been trying to keep his distance from me, knowing that I would put him down again.

I told him to give me another chance, that I am truly sorry and that I am trying to work out my jealousy problems. That it is hard for me to deal with that he has an attractive friend that is a girl.

I told him that his way of dealing isn't working for either one of us (him keeping me at a distance). That he needs to get his hurt and anger out and forgive me or our relationship is doomed. At the time, he didn't care. He said he has put up with my moods and hatefulness for too long and that he doesn't see me changing. I said he needs to give me another chance. He said that he couldn't see our relationship going back to the way that it used to. At this point he was pi$$ed because I wouldn't leave it alone. He said that he is trying. He is here (for the kids of course), and all I am doing is pushing him out the door. I wouldn't shut up about it, I just wanted him to see MY SIDE. I was so upset and begging for him to let me in his heart again. He said that I was pathetic and to let it go and he will deal with it HIS way, not mine.

I told him I can't deal with him living in this house and keeping me at a distance, knowing that his feelings has changed for me. I said please let it go.

I finally just walked away, figured that I need to give him his space, and that our relationship is doomed. I started to take a bath and he walked in and gave me a hug seemed really genuine...like everything was going to be ok between us. I was relieved...

But now I am just aching inside. Did I force him to do this? Did I do the right thing, is he really going to put it behind him and let me prove to him that I am a good wife/mom. I am so confused. After him telling me the he put me at a distance and that his feelings for me has changed...how do I know that he doesn't still feel this way about me? Not sure if he just said those things out of anger (which he normally does) or does he REALLY FEEL THIS WAY? I don't want to force him to love me...

 

I stopped snooping period. I'm not trying to look for things now. I am trying to trust this and trust that we will have our loving relationship back...

 

Just don't know how to deal with this all...

 

So does he have an on-going friendship/relationship with this woman? Are you privy to everything that is going on in this friendship? I don't want you and him to get in another knock-down drag-out, but this person is an obvious issue in your marriage. If he's holding out and you have a problem with that, he has to choose. It really is as simple as that. If it really is just a friendship, there can be parameters that can make it workable. If it is more than that, it will just be a thorn in the side of your marriage until it is pulled out. I've been through this with my wife. I know what friendships like this can evolve into. They can be workable situations and they can end in disaster.

 

You need to handle this calmly, though. You just need to tell him that this is hurting you. If he doesn't understand this or he gets defensive, it just proves to you that he either doesn't care that it hurts you and that this friendship is more important to him than his marriage. If the marriage is more important than he will do what you ask. Be reasonable though. Allow him the friendship as long as he tells you everything that goes on and you are always allowed to accompany him if you wish. If he doesn't allow this, I'm afraid you have more serious issues. If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't mind you checking up on him either.

 

I don't want to scare you, but coming from me, a person who has hidden things from his wife, your husband demonstrates that he is going down the road that I did. Tell him that you love him and that you don't want to lose him, but he needs to prove that he loves you as well. If he does, it shouldn't be a problem.

[IamASelfishSOB]

Yes. I feel completely out of control. For the longest time, our lives were only based around US and the KIDS. No one else. Now he has a life, a career that he loves...and I guess I can't change that. I am just completely miserable. I am young, although I feel so old. I have lost all of my friends and don't have time to make new ones. I never had a chance to go to college. I got to enjoy my life somewhat out of HS. But ever since I have met H, my life has revolved only around my family. And I guess I expected H to be the same. I have came to realize that we need other people to socialize with...its not fair that he is the one that gets the friends...

 

Oh my, now this is really sounding too familiar. You can't resent that fact that he has friends. This is a major issue in my marriage. My wife is not a social person. I am a very social person. I love my family, but I have to be around other people. If this is important to your husband, you NEED to recognize that it is important to him and you HAVE to make time to be social. My wife has recognized this and it has made a great deal of difference. She has a long way to go, but I truly appreciate the fact that she is trying.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra~

I honestly believe him now that he doesn't/or hasn't had feelings for OW. I think it was my insecurites. I think he felt uncomfortable talking to me about it because he knew it will hurt my feelings. Like you said before, I think he was just trying to prevent a fight. I'm not worried about the OW at all, just worried that his feelings for me has permently changed.

 

I need to realize that I have nothing to be insecure about. I am somewhat attractive, he has always loved me for who I was...and we always had something special. Just because a girl becomes his friend doesn't mean that he is messing around with her. He has a few girl friends and I don't see them as threats. The OW just came into our lives at a bad time.

 

It's not just all your fault. Your husband also needs to start working on your marriage. This feeling that you have no social life... no friends, resentments... ect. He needs to step up and tackle these issues! You can only do so much working by yourself!

 

LOL... You are somewhat attractive? I would bet that if I asked your husband he would say you are much, much more than somewhat attractive! I'd bet he would tell me his wife is HOT!

[hiswife]

OK. This is what happened to cause the last fight. I am extremely embarrassed.

 

The other day he had another girl fill in for someone that was leaving. I know this girl and don't have a problem with her. Well the day after Josh and his friend were emailing eachother back and forth. Normally he tells me that he talks to her but I had a "feeling" about their conversations. So of course I snooped again.

 

I read everything (although he tried to delete it *just forgot to delete the 'sent' file).

 

It started off with his friend (that is a girl) and she said "so I felt a little uncomfortable working with you today (the "OW" was there).

 

He said "I am getting so tired of people thinking that a man and woman can't be friends. What Am I supposed to do? Not talk to her because she is a girl?"

 

She said "well you better not be up to anything or I will kick your ass"

 

He said "The only girls in my life are my wife and daughter"...

 

SO of course I flipped the f*ck out. I didn't take time to really read what was going on. I just read where she said that she felt uncomfortable working with him and "OW" I went off on him AGAIN. He was trying to explain to me everything and I wouldn't hear it. I was so mad. I said how is it that everysingle person has a problem with you two???

 

After everything was said, he said that he didnt have time to talk to Stephanie that she was only there for a hour and the reason that he also didn't talk to her was because he had to tell her that she had to volunteer instead of getting paid for the hour or two and that she was pissed about it...he didnt want to have any sort of confortation about it.

 

He is just pissed at me because I don't trust him. That I actually think that he can cheat on me. Which deep down I know that he never would....

I JUST WISH THIS GIRL WASN'T SO GOD**** attractive.

 

REALLY. You all don't think I need to worry about it? Is it just my insecurities?

 

He said that the reason that he deleted the conversation was to prevent another fight. That he has already talked to Stephanie and everything was OK.

[hiswife]

It's not just all your fault. Your husband also needs to start working on your marriage. This feeling that you have no social life... no friends, resentments... ect. He needs to step up and tackle these issues! You can only do so much working by yourself!

 

LOL... You are somewhat attractive? I would bet that if I asked your husband he would say you are much, much more than somewhat attractive! I'd bet he would tell me his wife is HOT!

 

I know, I know. I have always had insecurites about myself even growing up being 5'9 and as skinny as a pole LOL

Now I have kids. I am almost 26. I have no life. I don't feel attractive anymore

[JackJack]

Just out of curiosty, is this friend of his, someone you both could hang out with together? Do you feel he could tell her things infront of you, and tell you things infront of her?

[hiswife]

Just out of curiosty, is this friend of his, someone you both could hang out with together? Do you feel he could tell her things infront of you, and tell you things infront of her?

 

I have never had a problem with her. I have stopped by his work a few times and she seems nice enough. He hasn't hung out with her outside of the firehouse (except when they painted his new office). He didn't tell me about it though. I found out when she left him a comment on his myspace page. "am I a propainter or what". He didn't hide it from me, but didn't feel the need to tell me. I guess if it was a male friend, I wouldn't have minded, and I am sure if he didn't want me to find out, he would have deleted the comment.

[hiswife]

Just out of curiosty, is this friend of his, someone you both could hang out with together? Do you feel he could tell her things infront of you, and tell you things infront of her?

 

BTW which woman? The friend that emailed him? Or the new girl that I feel threatened by? The friend that emailed him...I have hung out with plenty of times

[JackJack]

I have never had a problem with her. I have stopped by his work a few times and she seems nice enough. He hasn't hung out with her outside of the firehouse (except when they painted his new office). He didn't tell me about it though. I found out when she left him a comment on his myspace page. "am I a propainter or what". He didn't hide it from me, but didn't feel the need to tell me. I guess if it was a male friend, I wouldn't have minded, and I am sure if he didn't want me to find out, he would have deleted the comment.

 

 

OK, I'm sorry, I was thinking this was someone he knew really well and talked to about things.

[hiswife]

That is the thing that started bothering me. He has only known this girl for a few months. And after the first week of knowing her, he instantly bonded with her and said that she could possibly be a best friend to him...hmmm. That is where it all started from.

 

The girl that emailed him is a good friend of his who he has known for a couple of years...not the new girl.

[JackJack]

Or the new girl that I feel threatened by?

 

Yes, that was one the one I was referring too.

 

 

 

 

And after the first week of knowing her, he instantly bonded with her and said that she could possibly be a best friend to him...

 

Well guess it just so happens him thinking he can be best friends, happens to be with a female. I'm assuming he has male friends he hangs out with and talks to also?

[LuminousZ]

 

It started off with his friend (that is a girl) and she said "so I felt a little uncomfortable working with you today (the "OW" was there).

 

He said "I am getting so tired of people thinking that a man and woman can't be friends.

 

If other people are also uncomfortable around the two of them then there is obviously something going on. His comment about "getting so tired of people..." suggests even more people have noticed the two of them are close.., close enough to warrant unsolicited comments.

 

IMO Your husband needs to be more sensitive to your feelings.

 

I think you should invite the friend (who wrote email) for a cold beverage to discuss exactly what she witnesses throughout the day that makes her "a little uncomfortable" being around the two of them.

[Cobra_X30]

Honest, I'd be kinda insecure with the situation also! He doesnt need close female friends... in fact I'd say it hurts his marriage! But, I dont think you will be able to get him to see that right now!

[PandorasBox]

He has only known this girl for a few months. And after the first week of knowing her, he instantly bonded with her and said that she could possibly be a best friend to him.

 

I'm sorry but that statement he made would bother me. He should be "bonding" with you, not her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do think men and women can be friends to a point. But for him to make a statement like that is just odd to me. Has he always known you have been a little insecure? If so, I'm surprised he would make that statement, it almost comes across as if he wanted you to know about how he has bonded with this girl and wanted you to get upset. Maybe its him that is really insecure and it does soemthing for him to know you get bent out of shape over his friendship with another girl.

 

BTW, if he really feels this girl could be his best firned, most best friend I know of share alot, which means if they are best friends he could be telling her intimate details about his life that she really has no business knowing. Just my 2 cents on it.

[jmargel]

I am in the same situation he was in with you for the past number of years. When you get rejected and pushed away so many times the hurt goes away, and it becomes like a sort of numbness. You don't get hurt by being told no to sex, or getting a lifeless kiss in return when you kiss her, or when she just leaves her arms by her side when you hug her. You don't get hurt knowing that you will never be approached by your own wife in wanting a kiss, a hug or even getting a compliment. You don't get hurt by her words no more, your body, physically and emotionally turns into this numbness.

 

You come to realize and accept this and you don't 'hope' anymore of having a loving relationship filled with affection. Hope only brings about disappointment and that becomes 'burned' into you. Kind of strange that you are going through this, a month ago I told my wife our marriage was done and I wanted out. I don't want to live the rest of my life living the way I am because of her mental instabilities and her refusing to get help. Of course she is doing what you are trying to do, trying to throw me affection now and then but honestly that isn't enough.

 

Like your husband, it's easy to see all the other women out there now. Quite a few come up to me and warm up very fast. It's not an ego boost to me, it just feels good. If a strange woman can treat me nicer than my own wife then I know there are real problems in this marriage. I think what would open my eyes to her would be her going to a psychologist and getting the help she needs, not just trying to hug me now and then or be nice. That's what she should have been doing all along. I'm not asking for my feet to be kissed when I walk in, I just want to be treated the way she did when I felt she was in love with me.

 

Ask your husband if he feels numb to alot of things, my guess is that he would answer yes. You have to chip off ALOT of ice to get us to feel again. When something like that happens for too long then it's us that will fall out of love with you. When that happens then I doubt there is really anything you can do.

 

I find my wife being more jealous as well. She's now more possessive of the females I talk with and honestly that just pushes me further away. To mistreat me and then on top of that treat me like I would cheat is just adding salt to the wound. It's like you don't want us but you don't want anyone else to want us. What happens when this chick eventually finds another job? Are you going to go back and treat him like dirt again? Her insecurity and control has really pushed me away, good chance your husband is going through the same.

 

You beat a dog enough times it's going to run away and find another home.

[hiswife]

I am in the same situation he was in with you for the past number of years. When you get rejected and pushed away so many times the hurt goes away, and it becomes like a sort of numbness. You don't get hurt by being told no to sex, or getting a lifeless kiss in return when you kiss her, or when she just leaves her arms by her side when you hug her. You don't get hurt knowing that you will never be approached by your own wife in wanting a kiss, a hug or even getting a compliment. You don't get hurt by her words no more, your body, physically and emotionally turns into this numbness.

 

You come to realize and accept this and you don't 'hope' anymore of having a loving relationship filled with affection. Hope only brings about disappointment and that becomes 'burned' into you. Kind of strange that you are going through this, a month ago I told my wife our marriage was done and I wanted out. I don't want to live the rest of my life living the way I am because of her mental instabilities and her refusing to get help. Of course she is doing what you are trying to do, trying to throw me affection now and then but honestly that isn't enough.

 

Like your husband, it's easy to see all the other women out there now. Quite a few come up to me and warm up very fast. It's not an ego boost to me, it just feels good. If a strange woman can treat me nicer than my own wife then I know there are real problems in this marriage. I think what would open my eyes to her would be her going to a psychologist and getting the help she needs, not just trying to hug me now and then or be nice. That's what she should have been doing all along. I'm not asking for my feet to be kissed when I walk in, I just want to be treated the way she did when I felt she was in love with me.

 

Ask your husband if he feels numb to alot of things, my guess is that he would answer yes. You have to chip off ALOT of ice to get us to feel again. When something like that happens for too long then it's us that will fall out of love with you. When that happens then I doubt there is really anything you can do.

 

I find my wife being more jealous as well. She's now more possessive of the females I talk with and honestly that just pushes me further away. To mistreat me and then on top of that treat me like I would cheat is just adding salt to the wound. It's like you don't want us but you don't want anyone else to want us. What happens when this chick eventually finds another job? Are you going to go back and treat him like dirt again? Her insecurity and control has really pushed me away, good chance your husband is going through the same.

 

You beat a dog enough times it's going to run away and find another home.

 

Thank you for being so honest. I completely agree with you about everything. I am scared that after this chick gets another job (which she will, she is going to school to be a full time firefighter), I will go back to my old ways. I don't want to. I don't want to be insecure AT ALL. I want my husband to fall in love with me again. I don't EVER want to make him feel like a piece of sh^t. Honestly. And I do feel that he did find a girl that did make him feel nice about himself. That she makes him feel more of a man than I do. I think the feelings/if he did have them...has simmered down. I want to do whatever I can to make this work. I don't want to give up. I love him and I want to show him, I just need to get rid of my jealousy. It just sucks that this girl came into his life at the worst time (him feeling down in the dumps and us being so stressed). I'm really trying.

[PandorasBox]

I think its great you want to work on your jealousy issues. However, he is going to have to cool it with female friends right now. Its not really fair if you both are trying to wrok on things. As I said earlier, he needs to be "bonding" with you, not other females. Your marriage is hanging by a thread, and that is what you both need to concentrate on.