long story...but short

[hiswife]

He has only known this girl for a few months. And after the first week of knowing her, he instantly bonded with her and said that she could possibly be a best friend to him.

 

I'm sorry but that statement he made would bother me. He should be "bonding" with you, not her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do think men and women can be friends to a point. But for him to make a statement like that is just odd to me. Has he always known you have been a little insecure? If so, I'm surprised he would make that statement, it almost comes across as if he wanted you to know about how he has bonded with this girl and wanted you to get upset. Maybe its him that is really insecure and it does soemthing for him to know you get bent out of shape over his friendship with another girl.

 

BTW, if he really feels this girl could be his best firned, most best friend I know of share alot, which means if they are best friends he could be telling her intimate details about his life that she really has no business knowing. Just my 2 cents on it.

 

I'm not sure why he said it. That is when all the jealousy problems started with me. He does know that I am a very insecure person. But I do honestly think that he likes her as a friend. Maybe he doesn't realize how much?? I don't know if he has talked to this girl about our problems. I asked him the last time that we had a fight and he said that he hasn't. I do somewhat believe him because he is normally a really private person. I don't know. Maybe he has? I'm just so confused again.

 

I just need to stop worrying. Really. All it is doing is upsetting me. He comes home to ME. Ya know? He made the choice to work things out with ME. I should be grateful. Although we still have a lot of problems to work out, I am going to make him feel like the man that I fell in love with. Hopefully my kindness towards him will get returned back to me.

[PandorasBox]

Although we still have a lot of problems to work out, I am going to make him feel like the man that I feel in love with. Hopefully my kindness towards him will get returned back to me.

 

That's a very good and positive attitude. Good luck to you both.

[hiswife]

I just finished watching the Tyra Banks Show called "are you doomed for divorce" and thought it was a load of sh*t.

 

One of the questions were "Did you go to College"...give yourself one point (Um no. we both had kids young didn't go...not because of meeting him)

 

Do you make over $50,000 a year....give yourself 3 points (NO!)

 

Do you have a religious background...give yourself a point (somewhat, I am a spiritual person, but don't agree with organized religions)...so 1/2 point

 

Are your parents still married...give yourself 3 points (my mom and dad divorced when I was very young...but my step dad and mom have been married over 20 years)

 

Did you or are you planning on getting married after the age of 25...give yourself one point (I got married at the age of 21)

 

 

Jeez. Just because I don't make 50,000/year/young and didn't go to college I am doomed. Give me a break.

[jmargel]

The reason why he mentioned this girl as becoming a best friend is because he has lost this with you. My wife is no longer my best friend. I can't trust her, I can't confide in her without fear of her using it against me at some point later in time. Like I said you become numb and guarded, the last thing you are going to be to the person who has done this to you is a best friend. He has bonded with her because in all reality his emotional bond with you is broken. The attachment you two have is not there anymore.

 

Honestly you can't blame him, and at least he has been honest with you. Him being honest about something like that is a clear indication that he really has distanced himself from you. He doesn't care that you object because he is finally getting one of his many needs looked at. You can't neglect a person to the point of emotional abuse and then lash out at him for wanting it so bad that he looks elsewhere. That's just being a narcissist.

 

Like I said if you want to fix this, then go and make an appointment with a counselor for yourself. Once you do this, let him know this. Give him the confidence that this time things might change for the good and for the long-term.

 

The writing is on the wall, there's not much to have to guess about in this situation. You know what you need to do, so go do it. You can't fix this problem on your own, get the help. You might actually like going to a counselor, it's a huge stress reliever.

 

As for the talk shows, they are unqualified, over-paid schmucks.

 

As for this other girl, I think it was a blessing she cross paths with the both of you. It woke you the **** up and made you see the big picture. If she didn't come into the picture good chance this marriage would have deteriorated to the point of divorce.

[hiswife]

Thanks again. I agree. She was a BIG wake up call for me. HUGE. I kind of lost interest in H, and it made me look at him in a completely different light.

 

About the whole counseling things. There is no way I can afford it! We can barely keep our bills payed let along this. I have been reading up a lot. I started reading "Don't Sweat the Small things...In Love" gave me some great insight. That is why I have been talking to you all, getting all of your advice. It has helped me out a lot...any other suggestions on books or things I could look up would be great

[jmargel]

If you have health insurance most will cover counseling. You can check into that. Alot of the times we get so comfortable with our spouse that we take them for granted. Remember why you fell in love with him and more importantly show it.

 

If you don't have insurance keep reading up, look for books that teach about communicating. That's where alot of the problems start.

[PandorasBox]

My wife is no longer my best friend. I can't trust her, I can't confide in her without fear of her using it against me at some point later in time. Like I said you become numb and guarded, the last thing you are going to be to the person who has done this to you is a best friend.

 

I'm sorry you're still struggling with this jmargel, its seems it has been going on for a long time now.

[hiswife]

OK. So what would you want her to do to earn her trust back? Is there anything?

I don't want this! Me and h used to be so close. The cutest couple. Everyone thought that I was the best wife and he was the best husband. How can we get this back? How did it go from that...to this?

 

I'm really sorry for the both of you. Now I really understand how my husband is feeling right now. Do u both feel that your wives are trying to earn your trust back? How do they feel? Do you ask them?

[Anna Comnena]

You can't force him to love you but you CAN FORCE HIM TO HATE YOU.

 

and You're pretty much doing that. and I got to tell you, I've had one jealous relationship in my life (when I was much much younger) which ended with the police being involved. Now, I can see the signs of a Jealous, irrational, person and I run.

 

Mind you I have never cheated on anyone, period.

 

Jealously is just a sympton of a more serious mental/emotional problem and you need professional help to address this problem.. and not a therapist.. you need Psychiatric help.

 

Think about it, what is the point of being jealous and check-up on him, when you know very well, he'll leave you for it? - No, and thereby it is crazy behavior.

 

and lets say he does cheat. Cheats on you every night. Are you happy not that it is confirmed? Do you really intend to leave? Would you really be happier if you told him to leave and he went to his other (hypothetical) lover? - Likely not, so what's the point of your jealously what is the point of you checking.

 

Please seek some help, for your families' sake...

 

As far as I am concerned.. "been there done that" I'd leave you for your behavior and take the kids as well. It's not healthy for your kids to be raised under such conditions and see your nutty behavior.. and trust me, they see it.

[Anna Comnena]

I just finished watching the Tyra Banks Show called "are you doomed for divorce" and thought it was a load of sh*t.

 

One

Jeez. Just because I don't make 50,000/year/young and didn't go to college I am doomed. Give me a break.

 

 

[sIZE=3]Now, I know you agree that people who are stable and not impulsive are likely to not to divorce. Right?[/sIZE]

 

You're missing the point of the show. Look at the questions they ask. "college" "Age of Marriage" "Religion" "Married Parents" and "Money"

 

[sIZE=3]Each one of these "point" questions goes to either stability or good planning. - statically speaking.[/sIZE]

 

Married Parents - generally people who have parents are more emotionally stable. Women without a father figure in the home statically get married far younger.

 

College - Please who plan well go to college prior to marriage. Impusive people rarely make it through 4+ years of college due to the lack of an immediate reward/payout.

 

Religion - Organized religion breeds stability and tradition in families. (and I'M no lover of religion)

 

Age of Marriage - impulsive, unstable people typically get married younger. Statistically, women with emotional problems seek marriage younger.

 

$$$ - Usually people who plan well, attend college prior to marriage, and are stable (no drugs etc) have a higher income level.

 

Now compare these positive attributes to your impulsive, irrational behavior and how it is affecting your marriage.

I promise you, very very few people are as actively jealous as you now when they're 50 years old.

I promise you, you won't be as jealous as you are now when you're 50.

 

Further, I also promise you that a young, impulsive 20 year old without a hell of alot of money to his name is alot more likely to cheat on his wife than a 40 year old man who'd lose $50k + income in divorce court to his wife if he's caught cheating...

yes, it doesn't always work out this way, but the 20 something year old has nothing much to lose.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I posted in another thread started by blue66669 (and ended up hijacking it I think) regarding your problems and I'll just repeat them here (please go and read those posts so I don't have to re-type the whole thing, ty ) Good luck ...

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[jmargel]

OK. So what would you want her to do to earn her trust back? Is there anything?

I don't want this! Me and h used to be so close. The cutest couple. Everyone thought that I was the best wife and he was the best husband. How can we get this back? How did it go from that...to this?

 

I'm really sorry for the both of you. Now I really understand how my husband is feeling right now. Do u both feel that your wives are trying to earn your trust back? How do they feel? Do you ask them?

 

Glad I was able to provide some insight to how he might be feeling. Like I said alot of the times these problems start with the root cause of bad communication. Though MC might be one of the options for you two. It'll get you to see their point of view at a different angle and approach it that way.

 

Regards to my situation, I don't want to hijack your thread. She cheated the first year we have been married, two years later she still thinks I 'punish' her for it. However her treatment of me over the past two years is the reason why I'm distant from her now. Tried MC and a psychologist, they both agree she has mental problems that need to be dealt with, however she won't get the help. Found out 2 months ago she's preg. I've told her I want out, she won't leave and half-heartedly tries to change some things about herself but in the grand scheme of things nothing has really changed. She's due in March. She has laid the guilt trip of 'kicking out your pregnant wife' on me. So it's a soap opera..

 

Anyway, I think what your husband needs is actions, that's why the counseling would help not just you but him. You need something more than just words to give him.

[hiswife]

I posted in another thread started by blue66669 (and ended up hijacking it I think) regarding your problems and I'll just repeat them here (please go and read those posts so I don't have to re-type the whole thing, ty ) Good luck ...

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

 

Thanks Bobby. I am just all over these threads right now. My best judgement is to stay away from here for awhile and really try to work things out with H.

[hiswife]

ALSO

 

Have to report something great that happened yesterday. He called me about 3:30 to see how I was doing (he is really makin an effort to call me more from work) and I told him I was going to the store...and he asked me to stop by because he missed us! It melted my heart! I thought it was great that he is trying!

 

Us not fighting about every little single thing has really been great. And me not bitching to him everyday has made him come home in a great mood, the kids have been wonderful and I love this feeling, and will never forget it.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks Bobby. I am just all over these threads right now. My best judgement is to stay away from here for awhile and really try to work things out with H.

 

Good Plan!

[hiswife]

 

 

[sIZE=3]Now, I know you agree that people who are stable and not impulsive are likely to not to divorce. Right?[/sIZE]

 

You're missing the point of the show. Look at the questions they ask. "college" "Age of Marriage" "Religion" "Married Parents" and "Money"

 

[sIZE=3]Each one of these "point" questions goes to either stability or good planning. - statically speaking.[/sIZE]

 

Married Parents - generally people who have parents are more emotionally stable. Women without a father figure in the home statically get married far younger.

 

College - Please who plan well go to college prior to marriage. Impusive people rarely make it through 4+ years of college due to the lack of an immediate reward/payout.

 

Religion - Organized religion breeds stability and tradition in families. (and I'M no lover of religion)

 

Age of Marriage - impulsive, unstable people typically get married younger. Statistically, women with emotional problems seek marriage younger.

 

$$$ - Usually people who plan well, attend college prior to marriage, and are stable (no drugs etc) have a higher income level.

 

Now compare these positive attributes to your impulsive, irrational behavior and how it is affecting your marriage.

I promise you, very very few people are as actively jealous as you now when they're 50 years old.

I promise you, you won't be as jealous as you are now when you're 50.

 

Further, I also promise you that a young, impulsive 20 year old without a hell of alot of money to his name is alot more likely to cheat on his wife than a 40 year old man who'd lose $50k + income in divorce court to his wife if he's caught cheating...

yes, it doesn't always work out this way, but the 20 something year old has nothing much to lose.

 

 

I really agree with you. But I also don't want people to think that if you married young...you aren't doomed for divorce. How do you think that made me feel? I know that hubby and I have a lot of problems to work out and this show is going to make me prove every wrong!

[jmargel]

ALSO

 

Have to report something great that happened yesterday. He called me about 3:30 to see how I was doing (he is really makin an effort to call me more from work) and I told him I was going to the store...and he asked me to stop by because he missed us! It melted my heart! I thought it was great that he is trying!

 

Us not fighting about every little single thing has really been great. And me not bitching to him everyday has made him come home in a great mood, the kids have been wonderful and I love this feeling, and will never forget it.

 

That's a good start, but remember you will have good and bad days. You will have agruments in the future, everyone does. It's how you handle it is the key. Don't talk or act on emotion, that is never good.

 

When your insecurities start up, realize when this is happening. Stop yourself in your tracks, physically sit down, close your eyes and concentrate on a good memory that you have of the both of you. Concentrate on your breathing (breathe in w/ the nose, out with the mouth). Do this for a good 5-10 minutes. You will feel much better afterwards. If the insecurity pops up again, just repeat what you just did. Keep doing it until you force yourself mentally to get over this weakness.

 

It's a technique I read about and tried myself. Worked really good for me.

[hiswife]

That's a good start, but remember you will have good and bad days. You will have agruments in the future, everyone does. It's how you handle it is the key. Don't talk or act on emotion, that is never good.

 

When your insecurities start up, realize when this is happening. Stop yourself in your tracks, physically sit down, close your eyes and concentrate on a good memory that you have of the both of you. Concentrate on your breathing (breathe in w/ the nose, out with the mouth). Do this for a good 5-10 minutes. You will feel much better afterwards. If the insecurity pops up again, just repeat what you just did. Keep doing it until you force yourself mentally to get over this weakness.

 

It's a technique I read about and tried myself. Worked really good for me.

 

 

I know it is a start! I was having a rough day (I babysat 3 other kids besides my 2) and him calling me out of the blue made me feel great!!

I do have a lot to work on with myself and trying to take in all the advice and it is helpin a lot. I just need to deal with my stresses better. If I have a bad day, h comes home and I lash out...just I guess because he is there. SO, I try to destress before he comes home and it has really helped out. IT HAS HELPED BOTH OF US!

[Kasan]

I really agree with you. But I also don't want people to think that if you married young...you aren't doomed for divorce. How do you think that made me feel? I know that hubby and I have a lot of problems to work out and this show is going to make me prove every wrong!

 

Yes, you and your husband married very young...so did I. We were 19 and 20 when we got married. Everyone said that we wouldn't last. Statistics also prove that there is an extremely high rate of failure in couples who are married in their 20s. So what? The deed is done.

 

You my dear need to get a life and I mean this with great kindness. Your whole world should not revolve around your child and husband. It is not healthy.

 

The problem that I have witnessed in young marriages is that one partner "outgrows" the other. Your husband is working and gathering life experiences...you are not. You will end up becoming stagnant, essentially not continuing to grow as a person.

 

How to get a life? Volunteer, get a part-time job, start a play group, anything that gets you out among other adults other than your husband. You will feel less resentful and happy that you can share some of your day with your husband.

 

Being trapped at home with a child breeds resentment, and you have to understand that your husband is doing the best that he can, just like you are. You need to have some empathy for him.

 

Become a team which means working together. The first years are really tough--but if you are really committed you can do this.

 

I know this because I was in your shoes, but we did the necessary work and I am happy to say we celebrated our 32 anniversary. Was it easy? Nope...but the good things never are.

 

Hang in there!

[hiswife]

Yes, you and your husband married very young...so did I. We were 19 and 20 when we got married. Everyone said that we wouldn't last. Statistics also prove that there is an extremely high rate of failure in couples who are married in their 20s. So what? The deed is done.

 

You my dear need to get a life and I mean this with great kindness. Your whole world should not revolve around your child and husband. It is not healthy.

 

The problem that I have witnessed in young marriages is that one partner "outgrows" the other. Your husband is working and gathering life experiences...you are not. You will end up becoming stagnant, essentially not continuing to grow as a person.

 

How to get a life? Volunteer, get a part-time job, start a play group, anything that gets you out among other adults other than your husband. You will feel less resentful and happy that you can share some of your day with your husband.

 

Being trapped at home with a child breeds resentment, and you have to understand that your husband is doing the best that he can, just like you are. You need to have some empathy for him.

 

Become a team which means working together. The first years are really tough--but if you are really committed you can do this.

 

I know this because I was in your shoes, but we did the necessary work and I am happy to say we celebrated our 32 anniversary. Was it easy? Nope...but the good things never are.

 

Hang in there!

 

That makes since to me. It really does. I do feel like my husband is growing into a man, and has a role in life besides Daddy and Husband. Does that necessarily mean that we are doomed for divorce? I don't know. I have spent the last 5 years of my life dedicated strictly to my family. Not sure how to make friends anymore. What is funny is when I wanted to do things without H, H wouldn't have it. Now he understands that he needs friends also, that it isn't all about me and him all the time...he wants to have a life. Now he is encouraging me to get one too. Its kind of hard. I have did a few things with my time, I am on the Wives Support group at the Firehouse....but we meet barely a couple times a year. I guess I feel guilty doing things without my family. I feel when H is at home, I should be too. I guess that is another thing I need to change about myself.

[Kasan]

That makes since to me. It really does. I do feel like my husband is growing into a man, and has a role in life besides Daddy and Husband. Does that necessarily mean that we are doomed for divorce? I don't know. I have spent the last 5 years of my life dedicated strictly to my family. Not sure how to make friends anymore. What is funny is when I wanted to do things without H, H wouldn't have it. Now he understands that he needs friends also, that it isn't all about me and him all the time...he wants to have a life. Now he is encouraging me to get one too. Its kind of hard. I have did a few things with my time, I am on the Wives Support group at the Firehouse....but we meet barely a couple times a year. I guess I feel guilty doing things without my family. I feel when H is at home, I should be too. I guess that is another thing I need to change about myself.

 

You are only doomed for divorce if you "want" to be. Check out the library--ours has a children's reading hour. Might be a great way to meet other mothers. Also the Y's have classes for little kids...they are pretty inexpensive.

 

You need to get out even if it's taking a class. You will find that this will challenge you and give you a new perspective. You owe it to your family to give them the best of you! You cannot do this if you are depressed and bitching all the time.

 

You are luckier than I was--you have this great forum! Use it!