Tomcat33 Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 That's a load of crap. I can say with absolutely certainty that my husband and I WERE having great sex (still are as a matter of fact), when he was with the OW. Explain that. I guess there must've been some other deficiency in our marriage, huh? If you figure it out, let me know, because my husband sure can't give me an explanation. well that's your situation. wow and he STILL cheated on you, must feel even worse for you considering he got everything from you and he STILL cheated yikes!!! I can say with absolute certianty that mine wasn't I know for a fact they were not, I gave him a hickey on his inner thigh and shaved off his pubic area (as an act of play in the bedroom which he adored had never done that before) believe me if he were sleeping with his W there is no way he would have justified that, mind you he had moved out already but still can never be too sure getting to know a known cheater... Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Is this what you'd say to the W? He's cheating on her for better coochie? Come on and get real...If you think an A that lasts that long is about sex, you're only deluding yourself... I would say it's very possible and any person having an A with a MP who does think it's all about real love is deluding his/herself. It might be love on the OP's side, but the MP is not in love simply for the reasoning that they don't get a D so they can be with the person they've been cheating with on a permenant level, in an open way where any and everyone can see their true love. I mean, come ON. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 That's a load of crap. I can say with absolutely certainty that my husband and I WERE having great sex (still are as a matter of fact), when he was with the OW. Explain that. I guess there must've been some other deficiency in our marriage, huh? If you figure it out, let me know, because my husband sure can't give me an explanation. Same here, IO. I'd love to know the answer to that one, too! lol I'm beginning to think it was all about the oral he was getting from the OW. I guess I can give her that. I believe I was the winner at being a loving partner. I don't think he had the time to get to know her, considering he spent about an hour each "visit". There was no cuddling, no get to know each other times, nothing. If there had been, I'm sure, the type of person she was, she'd have bragged up one side and down the other letting me know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 well that's your situation. wow and he STILL cheated on you, must feel even worse for you considering he got everything from you and he STILL cheated yikes!!! I can say with absolute certianty that mine wasn't I know for a fact they were not, I gave him a hickey on his inner thigh and shaved off his pubic area (as an act of play in the bedroom which he adored had never done that before) believe me if he were sleeping with his W there is no way he would have justified that, mind you he had moved out already but still can never be too sure getting to know a known cheater... I doubt she felt worse. I was proud of myself even more knowing how loving and faithful I was during his A. It's not my fault if he was the one at fault. I doubt any OW knows anymore of thier MM's comings and goings than the BW does, no matter how convincing and believeable he may sound. Anyone can shave themselves and make excuses to the spouse as to the whys and wherefores. And why would you want to give him any mark that would be found by the BW? Isn't that being deliberately spiteful? Why not just call the BW up and tell her, hey, I'm sleeping with your H. ? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I would say it's very possible and any person having an A with a MP who does think it's all about real love is deluding his/herself. It might be love on the OP's side, but the MP is not in love simply for the reasoning that they don't get a D so they can be with the person they've been cheating with on a permenant level, in an open way where any and everyone can see their true love. I mean, come ON. If that's what you tell yourself so that you can have a life...so be it... Doesn't make it TRUE... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 And why would you want to give him any mark that would be found by the BW? Isn't that being deliberately spiteful? Why not just call the BW up and tell her, hey, I'm sleeping with your H. ? I did it for myself and to ensure he was being honest with me, not for her. He was separated and only had contact with her for seperation purposes other than that he swore there was no physical contact at all and there handn't been for many months prior to us even meeting, if that was the case he should have no problem with it and he didn't. I don't think it was spiteful at all, here is a man assuring me that his marriage was done and was ready to start this new rel. well then we do it my way. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I would say it's very possible and any person having an A with a MP who does think it's all about real love is deluding his/herself. It might be love on the OP's side, but the MP is not in love simply for the reasoning that they don't get a D so they can be with the person they've been cheating with on a permenant level, in an open way where any and everyone can see their true love. I mean, come ON. Ok and here is the pot calling the kettle....yeah talk about deluding... anyway everyone has their own take on the situation the reality is no one knows what the man feels except for the man himself, regardless of what he dicides in the end he knows what he felt while in the A. You wanna believe they feel nothing, tell yourself that you have to justify taking him back somehow... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 Wow, this thread has gone crazy. Its not about Sex. we see each other everyday, 5-6 hours. And I know he has not selpt with her in the last 2 years. How??? Because she talks to people I know around town. He has even move out before, but she stood at my door with child. If he could have it his way, he said he wanted the child and me. He has never said a bad thing about w. He has said he wished she WOULD meet someone....... She has fear too. She does not work outside the home. She is used to a very good lifestyle, she does not want to give up that either. She has said to others, I know where my H at, but what can I do about it? You all are all right. We both are making it too easy for him, we both allow it, we are both stupid.............. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 and do I think he loves her, sure I do, she is the mother of his child...... But I know he is not in love with her. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Wow, this thread has gone crazy. Its not about Sex. we see each other everyday, 5-6 hours. And I know he has not selpt with her in the last 2 years. How??? Because she talks to people I know around town. He has even move out before, but she stood at my door with child. If he could have it his way, he said he wanted the child and me. He has never said a bad thing about w. He has said he wished she WOULD meet someone....... She has fear too. She does not work outside the home. She is used to a very good lifestyle, she does not want to give up that either. She has said to others, I know where my H at, but what can I do about it? You all are all right. We both are making it too easy for him, we both allow it, we are both stupid.............. Great, then you should have no problem telling him that you will not have any sexual contact until he is divorced. If he loves you, he will understand and he will do whatever is necessary to be with you. There are laws that protect assets and parental rights, so no problem there. If it's not about sex, then he should be happy with the platonic relationship you would be asking for. And, then when he is single, you can be a couple out in the open with nothing to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
LikeNoOther Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 And I know he has not selpt with her in the last 2 years. How??? Because she talks to people I know around town. Thank you! I thought I was going crazy trying to tell some people here that when MM/MW tell their OW/OM that they haven't had sex for a long time, it is true. Some people just chose to not accept that fact because they do not want to see themselves as someone who couldn't satisfy their H/W. My colleague (MW) is having an A with a MM - both are not getting sex from their partners. She tells me stuff and she isn't having an A with me - so I don't think she is lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 And why would you want to give him any mark that would be found by the BW? Isn't that being deliberately spiteful? It's like a dog peeing on a fence post at the edge of its territory. No need to aggressively challenge the competing dog in the adjacent territory and risk a fight; if it does stray into your territory, it will smell the mark and know it has encroached - that you own this land now. You send your message without having to risk a direct confrontation. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 As far as an emotional connection is concerned... the MM has a deep emotional connection to his wife and kids. This is why he keeps going back home. I agree to some extent. I think though that this is only the case if the MM doesn't really have an emotional connection with the OW. In my sitch is was the opposite - it was the 'emotional' that MM wasn't getting at home, not the 'physical', so I guess when DDay came, his W knew she should make more of an effort (I'm not blaming her - he was just as guilty) and therefore gave him the emotional love and support that he believed was missing from their M. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I have a question that I think is kind of on topic, and which I promise I ask with an open mind: Does the nature of your relationship with a MM change, between the time that it is simply hidden from an unknowing W, and the time that the W discovers it and takes him back, and the A becomes a kind of an active deception? I can kind of understand that the initial "hidden" phase could be rationalized as if it's invisible, no one knows, it's like it doesn't even exist to the W. But then once it becomes real to her, do you see the relationship differently - and specifically, do you see the MM differently? It seems more passive to be able to say at the beginning, well, it's just happening and no one knows... But then does it get more intentional once it becomes more of a cat and mouse game? Personally, to me, and I've not actually been in that situation (we've had no d-days, W doesn't even suspect as far as I know, and has asked no direct questions). Yes, I believe I'd feel much of what you're suggesting here. Should MM's W find out about the affair, from my perspective I'd probably need to get out of it all. As you say, if he's not actually directly lying to her (of course lies by omission are lies, but they're not direct) one can to a great extent rationalise the issue. He'd be working away anyway, he's not spending time with me he'd otherwise be with her, she never asks where he is, blah blah. But IF he chose to directly lie about his whereabouts, about the fact he was seeing someone, and gaslighted and otherwise treated her with huge disrespect I just couldn't stomach that about him. It's bad enough he's cheating on her at all, and I find that hard to support in him. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 If anyone truly believes that physical affairs are not about sex, how about one of the OW here tell the MM you will no longer have any sexual contact with him and come back and let us know how often you still see him. If he stays married to a woman that he has no sex with, he should have no problem spending time with the OW and having no sex with her. Sounds fair, anyone up for it? The thing is, would anyone believe them? Not that it's any of anyone's business, but MM and I have been seeing each other regularly, sleeping in the same bed, and NOT having sex, for the past three months. Unfortunate circumstances (not illness or anything on his part, he's fine), but they are there. And yes, he's just as eager to see me as ever, and loves me just as much. I can tell. Not that I suppose ANYone is going to believe it. But it's out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Personally, to me, and I've not actually been in that situation (we've had no d-days, W doesn't even suspect as far as I know, and has asked no direct questions). Yes, I believe I'd feel much of what you're suggesting here. [...snip...] It's bad enough he's cheating on her at all, and I find that hard to support in him. Thanks for the insight, frannie... Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 So just to finally get round to answering the OP Hello everybody, had another D day, second one this year. I have been with MM already 3 years, BWknows about 1 1/2. We went on vacation together and he caught caught, took him back in again. What is she thinking at time. She know he is not stopping, please no bashing, this is hard enough, thanks. Mino I haven't been following your story, but just going on what you've put on this thread, I'd say this. I would imagine she still wants him in her life, even though she knows he's flawed. Whatever, her reasons don't really matter do they? It's the fact that he's straddling these two situations, and you're allowing him to do that. What is probably happening is he's lying to her, in order that she doesn't carry out the threat you've heard about to limit his time with the children. And because he lies to her, and promises it's over, or whatever he's telling her, is WHY she's still in it. Whether that's true or not, or he believes it or fears it or whatever actually doesn't matter either. The question is, why are you still in it... or do you expect his W to give up on him where you cannot..? Because that's just not rational, is it..? Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Um, "adviced" is not a word. And by slamming my advice, you must be advising (not advicing) the opposite, which would be to hang on and on, even longer than the three years she's already waited. As for your attack, you called me a "parrot" using the "same lame a$$ cliches over an (sic) over an (sic) over..." You got dissed yesterday, so now you're just digging at me. That's okay. You're only confirming your personality over and over and over... As tempting as it may be Luv, I really don't think we are here to correct a person's use of the English language! Typos, poor English, whatever, we are here for help and ADVICE, not to be condescended to! JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 If anyone truly believes that physical affairs are not about sex, how about one of the OW here tell the MM you will no longer have any sexual contact with him and come back and let us know how often you still see him. I don't think you want to see how they act when we cut them off... they come back begging and won't leave us alone. You BS's need to keep your H's on a tighter leash. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 That's a load of crap. I can say with absolutely certainty that my husband and I WERE having great sex (still are as a matter of fact), when he was with the OW. Explain that. I guess there must've been some other deficiency in our marriage, huh? If you figure it out, let me know, because my husband sure can't give me an explanation. Sounds like you have GREAT communication in your M. I wonder what your H's take would be on your sex life. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Sounds like you have GREAT communication in your M. I wonder what your H's take would be on your sex life. He can't keep his hands off me. His only complaint is that we don't have enough sex. We've been very happily married for over 20 years (save for a few rocky months) so our communication is pretty darn good. I've never cheated on my husband, I've never succumbed to the advances of the dozens of MM who pursued me when I was in the corporate world, I've never been dumped by a man or a boy, not even in high school, though I had my pick of dates, and I've never whined about my love life all over the internet. How's your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I don't think you want to see how they act when we cut them off... they come back begging and won't leave us alone. Ah, so that's your problem is it? All these MM begging you for sex? Gee, I wonder why I never have MM begging me for sex? I guess it must be that they respect me and know I don't sleep with married men (unless I'm married to him). Ever heard of the words "NO, you're married"? Try it sometime and maybe men wouldn't treat you like such a tramp. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 As tempting as it may be Luv, I really don't think we are here to correct a person's use of the English language! Typos, poor English, whatever, we are here for help and ADVICE, not to be condescended to! JMO. Word usage has been quite a topic as of late, and her previous snotty post was, I believe, a direct result of my proving myself and several others right (and her wrong) just the day prior on that very subject. If you only knew... Because of my belief that the post was written with such venom and in such opposition to mine for an unrelated reason and in complete disregard of the OP's problem, I made that point. I thought I offered some supportive words and good advice. So what if I used a cliche term! Good gawd. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 He can't keep his hands off me. His only complaint is that we don't have enough sex. We've been very happily married for over 20 years (save for a few rocky months) so our communication is pretty darn good. I've never cheated on my husband, I've never succumbed to the advances of the dozens of MM who pursued me when I was in the corporate world, I've never been dumped by a man or a boy, not even in high school, though I had my pick of dates, and I've never whined about my love life all over the internet. How's your marriage? I have wings an I can fly, I have bionic vision and can see from here to New York city plain view, I won the lottery dozens of times and am a millionare, and I have never felt any insecurity in my life not even in highschool for being different, and most importantly I never whined about not being like the rest of all humans all over the internet. While we are sharing our fantasies.... :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
LikeNoOther Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Ah, so that's your problem is it? All these MM begging you for sex? Gee, I wonder why I never have MM begging me for sex? I guess it must be that they respect me and know I don't sleep with married men (unless I'm married to him). Ever heard of the words "NO, you're married"? Try it sometime and maybe men wouldn't treat you like such a tramp. I actually have used those words many times.. except for this MM... I would worry if I HAD TO BEG for sex... if MM are begging OW - I wouldn't really care... if it was the other way around then I guess 'tramp' is called for... Ah oh... I haven't had any men treated me like a 'tramp'... I'm sure a lot of OW here would agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts