Seeds of doubt [Possibly the longest thing you have ever read] ;)

[Bärchen]

Hi all,

 

Short version: I met my ex-GF in Australia 3 years ago, 2 years ago I moved to her country (Germany) and 7 weeks ago we broke-up. For the first 15 months here in Germany I had a Job with a constantly renewed 3 month contract (e.g. no job security) and as I couldn't speak any German (then) I was totally dependant on the help of other people and VERY dependant on my GF for even simple things. quite a normal situation really.

I finally got a new job at the start of this year (with a 3 year contract) which involved changing towns and in reality starting from scratch again in another new place where I didn't know anyone. Since my arrival in Germany I have learnt to speak pretty good German and no longer am 'scared' of being in a foreign country (i.e I can speak well enough to get whatever I need or get my point across). For the first 15 months here I had absolutely zero selfconfidence due to the language barrier. My ex-GF broke up with me because she thought that my personality was not 'really' what it was like in Australia and is really like what it has been while I was here in Germany (i.e reserved, gaurded, scared and lazy (because I always chose the easy way to do something)). This came from the fact that my new job needed 100% of my time and attention in the first 2 months of this year and I had no time to do other things that she thought were important (i.e. Joining sport clubs, going out and finding friends..etc).

 

After we broke up she had a new BF within 2 weeks, so obviously this was a factor also in her decision (although she says it had no bearing´...but no sane person would believe that). Since the break-up I have initiated absolutely no contact with her and told her that I can't because I am absolutely devastated with her descision. I told her everything that I wanted to say shortly after the breakup e.g. that I thought she was making a huge mistake, that I love her more than anything and that we are just going through a tough patch in our relationship (our first biggie) and that all I need is understanding and time. She said she 'Couldn't' give me anymore time to find my life in Germany, 2 years was enough.

 

Okay, thats enough background.

 

What I am concerned about is my feelings. I have not had any contact with Her that was initiated by me. She has called me a few times to see how I am going as she feels a little guilty about leaving me alone in a foreign country. When we talk I can always hear the woman I love and this hurts me every time. Over the past 7 weeks I have really tried to forget about her and move on with my life, I have made many new friends here in my new town, my job is now going much better and I am very active with sports. However, my feelings for her havent changed at all, I miss her terribly and I know that I do want her back for all the right reasons. I know that any decision on a reconciliation must be made by her and I have applied absolutely no pressure in this regard past saying that that is what I would like. She knows my point of view and where I stand on the matter.

 

This week she called me and we talked for about 40 mins, in this time I made her laugh constantly and we discussed what we have been doing in our lives since we last spoke. It was wonderful to talk to her again and it was just like old times, she probed me about my feelings for her (as she is very uncomfortable with the fact that I want her back) This is where the problem starts (for me), She told me about a holiday she just made (a week in Majorca) with a girlfriend and that she had thought about me while she was there and wanted to call me when she got back home to see how I was going. When I told her about what I have been doing she was shocked and surprised (That I had been keeping really busy socially, doing sports, travelling etc.). She then said „What has happened to you?“ , because the fact that I didn’t do these things at the start of the year was the biggest reason she thought she had to break-up our relationship. The tone in her voice said more than the actual words , the seeds of doubt were definitely sewn in that moment.

 

I think I have done a really impressive job of moving on with my life and trying to find a way through the hardest time in my life. The fact is that I want her back so bad it is driving me crazy. I think about her everyday, she really is the love of my life. I don’t want to (well, actually I can’t) pressure her and when we talk I try to steer our conversation away from our relationship, she said she still really likes me and I can hear in her voice that this is true.

 

I have held onto the hope that she will realize she has made a mistake and the best way for me to show her this is to live my life well and not contact her. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, but so far I am coping about 50/50. Her family is like my second family and they are still in regular contact with me (They are completely shocked that our relationship ended and are trying to get my ex-GF to rethink what she has done). At the moment I can’t break this contact, because I need it for my healing process and when I need to talk to somebody about this they know all the background and current events. I would just like to hear a few opinions about my situation and please don’t just rip into my ex as she really has done nothing wrong. She saw a problem in our relationship (That actually wasn’t there, but hey) and thought about her decision very hard, I am proud of her that she could be strong enough to make it, knowing what the consequences would be.

 

Am I doing the right things at the moment if my ultimate goal is to try and get her back?

 

Thanks for reading

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Am I doing the right things at the moment if my ultimate goal is to try and get her back?"

 

There is nothing you can do but be yourself and see what happens.

 

However, you are making the mistake of your life by pursuing her. While she makes you feel very good and you have had great times together, she is not the stuff of a life partner. She broke up with you because of the stress you were going through in your new land, job, etc. and had a new boyfriend within two weeks. That doesn't sound like a person of flexibility and understanding...the kind who you would want in your life over the long haul.

 

Now if you're into masochism, sure...you would want a woman who would give you the boot when you are going through difficult times. A masochist would enjoy a woman who kicks him in the heart while he is down and then runs off to quickly find another guy.

 

If you think you'll never have another downtime in your entire life, then go for it. But if you want to feel secure that you've got a partner through thick and thin, this is NOT the gal.

 

This gal wants ONLY the good times. If you will enjoy the pressure of sustaining good times always, you have found your babe!!!

[Bärchen]

As you can realise I can't put every piece of info regarding our relationship into this post the problems etc are much more complicated than I have written here. However, you are somewhat correct and everything you said I have, more or less, also come to as a conclusion.

 

I am being myself and continuing on with my life and I have been very strong in my endeavors not to contact her since the break-up. As I said, she knows where I stand and there is nothing more that I can do or say in this regard, I will not go on flogging a dead horse. The problem for me was that I didn't tell her that my new job was so bad for me when I started it. She is also in a very stressy part of her life and I knew that if I told her how bad it was for me she would only worry excessively (A common trait among Germans). So, for this I am 100% guilty and I know that my holding back this info is what ultimately led to our relationship comming to an end.

 

As for her only wanting good times, this is true, but then again who doesn't. We had a very, very, very good relationship and we fit very well together. I was never happier than when I was with her. I was convinced that I had found my lifes partner and this is a very hard thing to convince yourself was wrong.

 

Of course we also had tough times and she was always there for me. 2 weeks after I moved to Germany my father died of Cancer, she was incredible and I know that I would have not been able to cope with that situation if I didn't have her by my side. This time in my life was extremely difficult and because of her love, help and understanding I knew that she was the perfect girl for me. The problem is that this feeling is not going away. I have met lots of new people here, lots of new women, but to this time there are just no feelings for anyone new. I'll soldier on

 

Anyway, tony thanks for your opinion.