Is he playing me or will he really leave his wife

[MistressORToy]

I became involved with a MM I have worked with for many years. I had met his wife, met his kids etc. His wife became seriously ill and during that time we talked quite a bit. Needless to say one thing lead to another and we became involved. He told his wife several mths back (about 10) that he loved her to death but was no longer "in love' with her. He tells me he loves me often, we talk every day and text message etc. He is still living at home I have seen his wife with him in public and she seems to be the same as always...though I know he talked to her about wanting to leave. I just do not know what to think. If he told her he wanted to leave..though did not tell her about us...as far as I know she is not aware of this affair....why is he still at home sleeping in their bed...why did he go on vacation to Disney, why has he done nothing to change the situation. Am I being played for a fool? We see each other whenever we can...we talk daily sometimes several times a day. However most nights he is home fairly early with his wife and spends time with his family most weekends. His wife Iknow is very close to his family since they have been together nearly 20 yrs have one grown child and one child of elementary school age. How can he really love me and still stay with hs wife? Any input would be welcomed as I do not know what to think anymore. Am I just a toy or does he really love me? If his wife were to find out and confront him would he come to me or deny our relationship, stay with her and leave me?

[reboot]

Deep down I think you already know the answers to your questions.

[MistressORToy]

I am not sure I do know the answers..when he is with me he is so honest and sincere...and yet in almost a year he is still at home and has made no move toward changing the status quo...despite having told his wife he was not "in love" with her. As far as I know she does not know there is anything going on between me and her H. How can he go home day after day and do nothing to change things? How does he face her knowing the things he has told me/ Are all his promises to me just words...or does he mean them? How much time should I give it for him to make a change in his living arrangments before I give in to defeat? How long is too long to wait for a MM to leave his wife? Is there a time frame in which if he does not leave then he never will?

[JamesM]

I became involved with a MM I have worked with for many years.

 

He told his wife several mths back (about 10) that he loved her to death but was no longer "in love' with her. He

 

He is still living at home I have seen his wife with him in public and she seems to be the same as always

 

If he told her he wanted to leave..though did not tell her about us...as far as I know she is not aware of this affair....why is he still at home sleeping in their bed...why did he go on vacation to Disney, why has he done nothing to change the situation. Am I being played for a fool?

 

How can he really love me and still stay with hs wife? Any input would be welcomed as I do not know what to think anymore. Am I just a toy or does he really love me? If his wife were to find out and confront him would he come to me or deny our relationship, stay with her and leave me?

 

I know that if you read this Board, you will find that your story is NOT unique. Your MM is showing and saying what all MM like to say.

 

Did he tell his wife that he was no longer in love? Could be, but they could also have made up. Does he want to leave her? Statistics show that this is unlikely. Based on the bold sentence, he loves her very much yet, but he is with you for the new excitment of a puppy love.

 

Why is he still sleeping with her? Because he still loves her. He still has sex with her, and he still wants to stay with her. I am sure that you will hear the classic "I am staying for the kids" line. But if that were true, then he would not be cheating for the sake of his children. I am not sure if you are playing the part of the a fool, but he is a liar. The question is...do you believe him?

 

He can love you and his wife, because the love he has for you is lust and initial romantic love. The love he has for her is one of memories, romantic love, and a needy love. He needs her for his life to remain as it is. (Please don't tell me...he is around 40 years old, too.)

 

Do you want to keep going on with this...or do you want to get out before you experience a lot of pain and hurt?.

[norajane]

and yet in almost a year he is still at home and has made no move toward changing the status quo...despite having told his wife he was not "in love" with her.

 

How do you know he told her he wasn't in love with her?

 

If he's spending all that time at home and taking trips and all that, it could be he never said a word to her about love or leaving.

 

If he's lying to his wife about you - which he clearly is - it's entirely by possible that he's lying to you about his wife, about their relationship, and what he's told her.

[annabelle75]

I am not sure I do know the answers..when he is with me he is so honest and sincere...and yet in almost a year he is still at home and has made no move toward changing the status quo...despite having told his wife he was not "in love" with her. As far as I know she does not know there is anything going on between me and her H. How can he go home day after day and do nothing to change things? How does he face her knowing the things he has told me/ Are all his promises to me just words...or does he mean them? How much time should I give it for him to make a change in his living arrangments before I give in to defeat? How long is too long to wait for a MM to leave his wife? Is there a time frame in which if he does not leave then he never will?

 

Because he doesn't want to. His actions are telling you all you need to know. If he really wanted to leave his W and be with you, he would. He hasn't so there is your answer.

[TogetherForever]

I am not sure I do know the answers..when he is with me he is so honest and sincere...and yet in almost a year he is still at home and has made no move toward changing the status quo...despite having told his wife he was not "in love" with her. As far as I know she does not know there is anything going on between me and her H. How can he go home day after day and do nothing to change things? How does he face her knowing the things he has told me/ Are all his promises to me just words...or does he mean them? How much time should I give it for him to make a change in his living arrangments before I give in to defeat? How long is too long to wait for a MM to leave his wife? Is there a time frame in which if he does not leave then he never will?

 

 

MisstressOrToy,

End the relationship. His response or lack of will be the answer to all of the above questions.

TF

[MistressORToy]

As a matter of fact he is 42.....and when his wife was recently ill we spoke often and during that time he was told twice that she might die, and he had a major falling out with her faily. He was angry to say the least....we spoke all last summer and things got more intense in the fall of last yr. He has said he wants to be with me...but he has not left his wife. She has a surgery coming up soon.....is he waiting for her to be thru with that before leaving her? or is that just an excuse he will use? He has said he doesn't want tobe the bad guy, doesnt want to hurt anhyone...that leaving his wife would destry her, devastate her, that his kids would think he was a loser....etc And yet he still says "someday"...so is he ever leaving? I have been waiting for him already for nearly a year and nothing has changed.

[blind_otter]

Unfortunately the only person who can answer your questions is the one person who will be the most likely to lie to cover his own butt.

[whichwayisup]

I became involved with a MM I have worked with for many years. I had met his wife, met his kids etc. His wife became seriously ill and during that time we talked quite a bit. Needless to say one thing lead to another and we became involved. He told his wife several mths back (about 10) that he loved her to death but was no longer "in love' with her. He tells me he loves me often, we talk every day and text message etc.

 

What sort of man cheats on his ill wife.

 

He may not 'feel' that intense love/crush feeling, but he does love her. They have a history together. You have to realize this. THEY KNOW eachother, they share family, friends...Built a life together, created children together..

 

He is still living at home I have seen his wife with him in public and she seems to be the same as always...though I know he talked to her about wanting to leave. I just do not know what to think. If he told her he wanted to leave..

 

How do you know this? From him? This man is lying to her, don't you think he's gonna lie to you as well?

 

though did not tell her about us...as far as I know she is not aware of this affair....

 

Which means he has no intention of ending his marriage to be with you. His actions are telling you this. He may 'say' he's leaving, or going to leave, but he isn't...

 

why is he still at home sleeping in their bed...why did he go on vacation to Disney, why has he done nothing to change the situation. Am I being played for a fool?

 

Yes, you are. You're allowing your feelings, your love for him to cloud your better judgement. You're not seeing things as they really are. Again, actions speak louder than words...His actions are showing you he has no intention of leaving his wife, but he WILL keep you on the side as the OW...For as long as you stick around and feed his ego.

 

This isn't malcious, what he is doing to you...He's just being selfish and thinking of HIS needs.

 

We see each other whenever we can...we talk daily sometimes several times a day. However most nights he is home fairly early with his wife and spends time with his family most weekends.

 

Doesn't this tell you something? You only get small snippits of his life, the rest is spent with HIS wife and HIS kids. Family time...

 

His wife Iknow is very close to his family since they have been together nearly 20 yrs have one grown child and one child of elementary school age.

 

So, knowing this, do you really believe he is going throw away what he has in life for you? 20+ years of history....Doesn't compare to what you have with him. Sure, you excite him, turn him on, make him feel good...EGO. But, you do not share ANYTHING else in his life with him. No holidays, no birthdays, no friends, no family...You aren't included, you are the OW. Sorry to be harsh but you definately need a wake up call.

 

He isn't 'your's to take. He is married...It is so inappropriate of him to be allowing this affair to continue. It's selfish and you will get badly hurt. I hope someday soon you realize this, and end it with him. You aren't going to get what you want from him.

 

How can he really love me and still stay with hs wife? Any input would be welcomed as I do not know what to think anymore. Am I just a toy or does he really love me? If his wife were to find out and confront him would he come to me or deny our relationship, stay with her and leave me?

 

Because he is selfish. He has two women in his life meeting all his needs. He is addicted to the drama, the feeling that an affair brings on.

 

He may care for you, even feel emotionally attached to you - All those feelings a new relationship brings on...BUT, he loves his wife, what he has more. He has SO MUCH invested with his wife..Not just 'sex' and feelings..A life.

 

Honestly, it would be foolish of you to wait around and expect him to give all that up for you.

 

The choice really is yours...Do you stay and be the OW, play second fiddle? Or do you end it, grieve, heal and move on to find that love of your life who can give you the world? Share everything..Build a life together.

[whichwayisup]

And yet he still says "someday"...so is he ever leaving? I have been waiting for him already for nearly a year and nothing has changed.

 

Someday is NO day. It is a way of keeping waiting, keeping you interested...

 

You've been waiting A YEAR and nothing has happened yet. Doesn't that tell you something?

 

Again, I am sorry to sound harsh, but you need to take the blinders off.

 

Imagine your bestfriend in this situation...What advice would you give her? Try to take a step back and be objective...

[MistressORToy]

I know he told his wife about not being hapy for quite some time , thathe had planned to talk to her B4 she became so ill that he loved her to death but was not "in love" with her.....that he kids mean everything to him but thathe can no longer say that she does.....I know this because we have mutual friends...one of whom had spoken with his W and she had divulged this info and in turn the mutual person told me without realizing that i am involved with him.....no one knows we have been seeing one another. I am not friends with his wife...however we do have many mutual friends....so I do hear things now and then

[JamesM]

I am not sure I do know the answers..when he is with me he is so honest and sincere...and yet in almost a year he is still at home and has made no move toward changing the status quo...despite having told his wife he was not "in love" with her.

 

He is not honest..he is in an affair. He will not leave his wife, because he DOES love her...he just doesn't feel the excitment anymore. What happens when he loses that excitement with you?

 

As far as I know she does not know there is anything going on between me and her H. How can he go home day after day and do nothing to change things?

 

Because he doesn't plan on changing anything. He likes his secret life. Read through the stories here. Most MM either go back to their wives or find someone other than the OW to date after their divorce. He can go home everyday, because he has a secret that his wife does not know about. Most likely he actually carries a lot of anger for her. This is one motivation for his affair with you.

 

How does he face her knowing the things he has told me? Are all his promises to me just words...or does he mean them?

 

How can you believe him when he is living a lie to his own wife? Do you think he will always be honest with you? Let's say for the sake of argument...he divorces his wife and marries you. Do you think he will never cheat on you? Will you trust him? I think he tells you what you want to hear so that you will stay with him...not because he means them.

 

How much time should I give it for him to make a change in his living arrangments before I give in to defeat?

 

If he wanted to move out, he could do it this week. Fact is...if his wife found out, he would be out tonight. So, tell him that you will quit dating him until he has left his wife for good.

 

How long is too long to wait for a MM to leave his wife? Is there a time frame in which if he does not leave then he never will?

 

You are way past too long to wait. I also think he has no plans to leave his wife. He is past that time frame, too. The question is...how long will you stay before you regain your self esteem and dignity?

 

 

 

 

I say none of this too be harsh and cruel, but as guy, I know what we can say to get what we want. And when a MM cheats, he does it for only a few reasons and he says many things...and he makes MANY promises...and most revolve around getting sex.

[quankanne]

I think all the questions you ask can be summed up with this answer you posted: he doesn't want tobe the bad guy

 

right now, he's got you to share his frustrations with about how "bad" or "awful" things are with his wife – as well as an open-ended relationship, and he's got her to fulfill his need to be in a committed relationship as husband and father.

 

honestly? I think you're both victims of his divided loyalty, though she's putting up with lies of omission (i.e., he's keeping you a secret) and you're putting up lies, period. Until the both of you hold his toes to the fire, he's going to keep on doing what he's doing, because frankly, he's got the best of both worlds right now.

[whichwayisup]

Well, whatever he told his friends in the past doesn't matter anymore. What counts is, he's had a change of heart and has chosen to stick it out with his wife...It just sucks that he's cheating on her, living a lie and betraying his WHOLE family.

 

And, you're going along with it...Living the lie, betraying your mutual friends, befriending his wife and children. That is just so wrong..

[annabelle75]

As a matter of fact he is 42.....and when his wife was recently ill we spoke often and during that time he was told twice that she might die, and he had a major falling out with her faily. He was angry to say the least....we spoke all last summer and things got more intense in the fall of last yr. He has said he wants to be with me...but he has not left his wife. She has a surgery coming up soon.....is he waiting for her to be thru with that before leaving her? or is that just an excuse he will use? He has said he doesn't want tobe the bad guy, doesnt want to hurt anhyone...that leaving his wife would destry her, devastate her, that his kids would think he was a loser....etc And yet he still says "someday"...so is he ever leaving? I have been waiting for him already for nearly a year and nothing has changed.

 

Those are all the same excuses that other MM give. There is alwasy something whether it be medical, recent death in the family, depression issues or what not that the MM claims are reasons he can't leave his W just yet. An dlike most MM he will probably just keep giving you other reasons when the surgery and other things are no longer an obsticle. "Someday" is his way of saying "Never, but I'd like to keep you around as long as possible as long as you don't cause me too much trouble."

 

I wish I had a better answer for you, but your story sounds all to familiar to most of us here.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He won't leave because you aren't giving him incentive to. As long as you allow yourself to be OW, that is all you will ever be.

 

If you want to see where he stands, and how serious he is about being with you then give him a clear choice to make: until he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers and a lease on his new place, he is not to contact you or be in your life in any way, shape or form. Tell him you love him, and want to be with him but until he chooses you, he is dead to you. If he contacts you, ask him if he is divorced and living in his own place. If the answer is no, repeat.. "I love you, but until you are divorced and have your own place you are dead to me. Do not contact me again until you are divorced and have your own place."

 

You want him to make a choice? This is the only way he is going to make one. Just prepare yourself - he likely won't make the choice that you are hoping he will.

 

If you can't do this and you choose to 'be there' for him, then you will need to get used to being an option in his life and not a priority.

[Impudent Oyster]

He told his wife several mths back (about 10) that he loved her to death but was no longer "in love' with her. He tells me he loves me often, we talk every day and text message etc. He is still living at home I have seen his wife with him in public and she seems to be the same as always...though I know he talked to her about wanting to leave. I just do not know what to think. If he told her he wanted to leave..though did not tell her about us...as far as I know she is not aware of this affair....why is he still at home sleeping in their bed...why did he go on vacation to Disney, why has he done nothing to change the situation. Am I being played for a fool? Am I just a toy or does he really love me? If his wife were to find out and confront him would he come to me or deny our relationship, stay with her and leave me?

 

I'm addressing the bolded points.

 

1. How do you know he told her he was no longer "in love" with her? Did she tell you this?

 

2. How do you know he talked to her about wanting to leave, were you there when that conversation occurred?

 

3. Why is he sleeping with her, vacationing with her and not changing the situation? Because he doesn't want to.

 

4. If his wife were to find out and confront him he'd probably tell her he was a fool, beg her forgiveness and go to counseling with her. The only way he'd leave after d-day is if she threw him out, because if he really wanted to leave, he'd already be gone.

[Impudent Oyster]

..when he is with me he is so honest and sincere...and yet in almost a year he is still at home and has made no move toward changing the status quo...despite having told his wife he was not "in love" with her. As far as I know she does not know there is anything going on between me and her H. How can he go home day after day and do nothing to change things? How does he face her knowing the things he has told me/ Are all his promises to me just words...or does he mean them? How much time should I give it for him to make a change in his living arrangments before I give in to defeat? How long is too long to wait for a MM to leave his wife? Is there a time frame in which if he does not leave then he never will?

 

1. You have got to be kidding. Honest and sincere? The man doesn't know the meaning of the words. He's a liar and a cheat, that's the one thing in all of this you can be sure of.

 

2. Yes, promises are just words until and if he backs them up. Since he hasn't done that yet, they're just words.

 

3. There are some women who've been OW for decades, and some whose MM left their wives then remarried a new wife and still these women are content to be the OW, even through multiple wives. I'm not making this up, I've read it on OW boards. So he may never leave, he may leave, that still doesn't mean he'll commit to you.

[annabelle75]

 

4. If his wife were to find out and confront him he'd probably tell her he was a fool, beg her forgiveness and go to counseling with her. The only way he'd leave after d-day is if she threw him out, because if he really wanted to leave, he'd already be gone.

 

BINGO! I think MMs that truly intend to leave their wives usually do so without their being a d-day. Either they bow out of the marriage without disclosing the relationship with the OW or they confess the A on their own when giving reasons for leaving. Usually if it takes the W finding out about the A to get him to make a choice, he will choose to stay with the wife. He's a big boy and can choose to leave if he wants, the fact that he hasn't shows that he doesn't want to.

[MistressORToy]

i am NOT friends with his wife...just we happen to know some of the same ppl is all. She and I have never been friends and rarely ever saw one another unless we were at the same place at the same time where some band was playing or whatnot. I'd say we know one another but we would not call one another a friend....aquaintence maybe. As for the kids...I have seen and met them at the shop when I worked there with their father. He has since quit that job tough I still work there.

How can his wife be with him all the yrs and not know him well enough to know something is not right between them and call him on it?

And if she does have suspicions whyhasn't she aired them? he seems to think she knows nothing.

[JamesM]

And I am guessing that during his wife's illness, he has not had sex with her? (I didn't see the illness part earlier).

 

Could this affair with you be about sex and friendship? Could this be simply an affair because his wife has not been "available?"

 

My guess is that if she returns to "normal," then she will once again retain her full wifely position.

[Impudent Oyster]

I...I know this because we have mutual friends...one of whom had spoken with his W and she had divulged this info and in turn the mutual person told me without realizing that i am involved with him.......so I do hear things now and then

 

It doesn't matter, every marriage has ups and downs, all couples occasionally fight. I bet there are couples married 50 years who've said things they didn't mean when they were angry.

 

Just because they may have had a blow-up and one of them threatened to leave, doesn't mean it's happening. Just go to a ladies night out and listen to the bitch-fest we have about our husbands, it's just talk.

[Impudent Oyster]

How can his wife be with him all the yrs and not know him well enough to know something is not right between them and call him on it?

 

Easy, if he's not acting any differently and she believes he's as "honest and sincere" as you do, then why would she suspect?

 

My guess is that he behaves as though he's very happy with her and their marriage.

 

Many, many women are blindsided with the discovery of the affair, which sometimes happens when the OW decides to force her hand by outing the affair. Can you guess what happens then, when the OW turns traitor?

[MistressORToy]

His W was taken suddenly ill with a life threatening issue last spring...spent 24 days in thehospital and had two life saving surgeries during that time.Then had a 4-6 week recovery time at home...they have been able to be intimate according to our mutual friend...since approx last Aug. This person who does not know that I am seing hm occassionally will mention tidbits here and there. Iknow that they are intimate on a fairly reg basis I would say abot 2-3 maybe 4 times weekly. If he is getting it like that at home (and the W is not exaggerating to this mutual person) then WTF is all this business with me....if he loves me as he claims WHY is he still there? Other ppl could care for her when she goes back intot he hosp for this last surgery He doesn't need to be there.