LucreziaBorgia Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 ' IS HE WAITING FOR ME TO GIVE HIM THE ULTIMATUM OR WAITING FOR HIS WIFE TO CONFRONT HIM SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO END THINGS WITH ONE OF US? If pushed, he will end one of the relationships. It will go down something like this: If his W confronted him, he would dump you and beg her not to leave him. If you confronted him, he would stay with his wife, and simply let you walk away. Your choices are limited: take what little you get from this, or walk away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 there really is no reason for him to leave her. he has the best of two worlds that he wants. dump him and choose a man that is available. he has no respect for a commited relationship anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 It doesn't help that commentators keep coming out with 'If he loved you, he'd leave'... well no, he can still love you yet stay. The two are not mutually exclusive A refreshing point of view, one often overlooked in the hordes of cliches that flood this forum. Yes, this, too, may be true .... on the rare ocassion. Some MM decide to stay because of the aforementioned reasons (or a lack of b***s) even when they are sincerely in love with the OW. Other people or things come into consideration (wives, children, in-laws, pets, assets) and suddenly they acquire a conscience (esp. when the A is exposed. LoL! ). Kids, wife, family all become core values and the OW is dumped like a hot potato!!! However true this may be, it does not alleviate the very real pain the OW suffers nor does it change the hardcore reality of her predicament. When all is said and done, it doesn't make an iota of a difference he really loved you or just played you....the end result is one and the same!! Simply stay away! Best stay . Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 By the way MOT, you don't have to shout. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 HIS WIFE IS NO LONGER SERIOUSLY ILL...SHE HAS SURGERY TO HAVE TO REVERSE A PROCEDURE THEY DID TO SAVE HER LIFE. HOWEVER THIS SURGERY IS NOT LIFE THREATENING AND IS ELECTIVE. SHE IS DOING QUITE WELL IS PHYSICALLY HEALTHY AT THIS TIME. HE STILL IS AT HOME AND MAKING NO PLANS TO LEAVE. THE SURGERY SHE WILL HAVE - WHEN SHE FINALLY DOES IT - WILL BE A WEEK HOSP STAY I AM TOLD AND A 4 WEEK HOME RECOVERY WHERE SHE WILL NEED SOME ASSISTANCE AND WHATNOT. HOWEVER SHE WILL NOT BE AS DEPENDANT THIS TIME AROUND AS SHE WAS A YEAR AGO. SO HE ISN'T STAYING BECAUSE SHE IS ILL...SHE ISN'T ILL SHE IS QUITE HEALTHY NOW AND NEEDING ONLY AND ELECTIVE SURGERY ...ONE THAT MANY OTHER PPL HAVE EVERY DAY. HIS PARENTS HAVE BEEN MARRIED NEARLY 55 YRS HIS SIBLINS R BOTH MARRIED WITH GROWN CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN. AND DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT "I DON'T CARE WHAT PPL THIK ABOUT ME" I BELIEVE HE DOES CARE WHAT PPL WOULD THINK. DEEP DOWN HE CARES THAT PPLMIGHT THINK LESS OF HIM SHULD THEY DISCOVER HE LEFT HIS FAMILY FOR HIS MISTRESS. HIS W IS ALSO WELL LIKED BY HIS FRIENDS AND SO DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS I THIK HE DOES CARE ABOUT LOSING FACE...LOSING RESPECT OF SOME PPL. I THINK HE PRIDES HIMSELF ON DOING THE RIGHT THING ....MAYBE HE JUST CAN'T FIIND A WAY TO TELL ME THAT HE CAN NO LONGER DO THIS WITH ME. WHEN WE GOT TOGETHER LOOKING BACK I SEE HE WAS AN EMOTIONAL WRECK HAVING BEEN TOLD TWICE IN LESS THAN A WEEK HIS WIFE (OTHERWISE VERY HEALTHY NEVER EVEN A COLD) WAS POSSIBLY GOING TO DIE, HE HAD A BIG ARGUMENT WITH HIS INLAWS...HE WAS PISSED OFF ENRAGED RESENTFUL....AND AS I SAID EMOTIONALLY A WRECK....NOW LOOKING BACK I THIK HE MAY HAVE GOT INTO THIS AND NOW IS STARTING TO SEE THAT HE WAS WRONG TO DO THIS. COULD GUILT BE EATING AT HIM? WE TALK ALL THE TIME BUT HAVE SEEN EACH OTHER LESS OFTEN ESPECIALLY SINCE HE JUST UP AND QUIT WORK OUT OF THE BLUE ONE DAY (WE WORKED AT THE SAME OCMPANY FOR YRS)....IS HE WAITING FOR ME TO GIVE HIM THE ULTIMATUM OR WAITING FOR HIS WIFE TO CONFRONT HIM SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO END THINGS WITH ONE OF US? Read the part I bolded. Your answers are inside you.... He isn't going to leave. Maybe a while back he thought about leaving her, but it's obvious he's changed his mind. He's allowed to do that... He quit his job, he's not seeing you as often...HE IS NOT LEAVING HIS WIFE. Take control of your life once and for all, and end this affair before it ruins you even more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistressORToy Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 MOT, It would be best for all involved if YOU backed out of the affair. Do you agree? TF BUT I HAVE NEVER FELT FOR ANYONE THE WAY I FEEL FOR THIS MAN....THIS IS THE BEST FEELING I HAVE EVER KNOWN. HOW CAN I JUST WALK AWAY WHEN HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME, HE IS PART OF MY DAILY LIFE AND SAYS HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistressORToy Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 By the way MOT, you don't have to shout. Sorry the caps locks was on and i was caught up in this thread and did not even notice i was in all caps. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 You walk away because he belongs to someone else. He's telling you this, but you choose not to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 BUT I HAVE NEVER FELT FOR ANYONE THE WAY I FEEL FOR THIS MAN....THIS IS THE BEST FEELING I HAVE EVER KNOWN. HOW CAN I JUST WALK AWAY WHEN HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME, HE IS PART OF MY DAILY LIFE AND SAYS HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME? I understand just how you are feeling MOT. He's all talk & no action. He says he wants to be with you, but is he really with you?! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 HOW CAN I JUST WALK AWAY WHEN HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME, HE IS PART OF MY DAILY LIFE AND SAYS HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME? By realizing that his actions will never match his words. You stay with him, because he tells you what you want to hear. Hopefully you'll leave when it becomes apparent that he will never actually follow through on those words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistressORToy Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 You walk away because he belongs to someone else. He's telling you this, but you choose not to hear it. Why doesn't he just tell me this...IF his wife means so much to him then what was he doing messing with me to begin with? Things between us are so REAL. The love we share is ike nothing I have ever experienced before and he says the same is true of what he feels for me. If neither of us can walk away from this then how do we go forward. How do we reach a point where we are openly together, where ppl know we are a couple? Do I just tell him I cannot stand having to share him with his wife? That I want to be out in the open be living the life we have talked of so often......Do I just tell him that this SECRET is too much for me? That I want him FULL TIME and that I want to shout to the world that we love one another????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistressORToy Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 By realizing that his actions will never match his words. You stay with him, because he tells you what you want to hear. Hopefully you'll leave when it becomes apparent that he will never actually follow through on those words. h0w long is too long to wait for a man to back up his promises? It has been nearly a year...and yet he is still at home and still promising me things...he even said "i would do anything for you" Well..would he really do anything for me or would he do anything BUT leave his wife for me??? Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 BUT I HAVE NEVER FELT FOR ANYONE THE WAY I FEEL FOR THIS MAN....THIS IS THE BEST FEELING I HAVE EVER KNOWN. HOW CAN I JUST WALK AWAY WHEN HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME, HE IS PART OF MY DAILY LIFE AND SAYS HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME? Do you not see that he tells you these things to keep you exactly where you are? This was an idea someone else mentioned on, I believe, a different thread, same subject. I'll bet if you told him "okay - no sex. We'll talk, but no sex. I'll see you, but not in a hotel, not at my place, only at a cafe, restaurant, etc. Not until you are divorced will we have sex again." I'll bet he would look elsewhere for his "true love." Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 By realizing that his actions will never match his words. You stay with him, because he tells you what you want to hear. Hopefully you'll leave when it becomes apparent that he will never actually follow through on those words. exactly my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 What would you have to lose by trying out luvmy2ns's advice at this point? At least then you'd know.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistressORToy Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 What would you have to lose by trying out luvmy2ns's advice at this point? At least then you'd know.... i could not possibly just see him at restaurants etc....and have no intimacy. Things between us on that level are so intense passionate and real I cannot imagine my life without him...and he says the same of me. There is no way we could "just talk" We desire one another too much, we love one another too much Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Why doesn't he just tell me this...IF his wife means so much to him then what was he doing messing with me to begin with? Things between us are so REAL. The love we share is ike nothing I have ever experienced before and he says the same is true of what he feels for me. If neither of us can walk away from this then how do we go forward. How do we reach a point where we are openly together, where ppl know we are a couple? Do I just tell him I cannot stand having to share him with his wife? That I want to be out in the open be living the life we have talked of so often......Do I just tell him that this SECRET is too much for me? That I want him FULL TIME and that I want to shout to the world that we love one another????? HE HAS A WIFE. HE HASN'T LEFT. He's telling you his wife DOES mean something to him by staying with her MOT. You can ask him all the ?'s you'd like, he will tell you what you wanna hear. Just as he's been doing. YOU need to make a decision of whether to stay in this mess or get out. YOU, YOU, YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT DECISION. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 It's hard to say but I know speaking from experience my didn't. It seems they rarely do. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 i could not possibly just see him at restaurants etc....and have no intimacy. Things between us on that level are so intense passionate and real I cannot imagine my life without him...and he says the same of me. There is no way we could "just talk" We desire one another too much, we love one another too much Then you must learn to live with things like they are now. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Well, then Mistress - understand this. You refuse to stand up for yourself and what you want, so you will have to accept that you will never be anything more than the OW. That's just how it is. No one will wave the MM wand and make him magically leave his wife and come to you. You have been given adequate advice on how you can make him choose between you and the wife. You just refuse to take it. So... he will never choose, and you will be the OW for as long as you allow yourself to be. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 your ability to defend his position and justify things all the way around is exactly why he knows he doesn't need to leave his marriage. he may love you in some way - but he is not willing to give up his "normal" life as he knows it. stay with him - and wonder forever IF he will leave her for you. :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 She didn't come on here for any real advice. She's going to remain the OW and be used at his leisure. Must feel really empowering for some married man who is cheating on his wife to have you under his control like that. Get some control over your own life. Unless you enjoy being someone's f toy. I mean, if that's all you want in a relationship is to be some committed man's plaything, just keep on keepin' on. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 i could not possibly just see him at restaurants etc....and have no intimacy. Things between us on that level are so intense passionate and real I cannot imagine my life without him...and he says the same of me. There is no way we could "just talk" We desire one another too much, we love one another too much If you love this man so much and he loves you, just being with each other and talking should not be a problem. That is if it's really love. True love is so much more than sex. It requires communication as well. If you can't have that, then how can you call it true love? Sounds more like lust to me. But that's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 He will continue to give her as little as she agrees to take. And as those increments continue to get smaller, she will continue to set the bar lower in order to keep getting something... anything from this man. She will continue to excuse his behavior, and justify it while accepting less and less. Why? Because she loves him more than she loves herself. Love isn't always a good thing. Sometimes it catches you like crack, and its just as destructive and hard to let go of as well. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 h0w long is too long to wait for a man to back up his promises? It has been nearly a year...and yet he is still at home and still promising me things...he even said "i would do anything for you" Well..would he really do anything for me or would he do anything BUT leave his wife for me??? Please listen to me. I am 43...around the same age as your MM. I am not saying that he thinks like I do, but many, many men have a crisis when they reach the mid life. What this means is that we (and yes, that includes me...still) begin to realize that we no longer are 25 or even 35. The young girls that we still look at as "available for us" think of us as a father figure. When they smile at us, it is not usually because we are dating material. It is because they hope that the man they marry will be as good of a father and husband as we appear to be....when they get "old." Not all of us are Michael Douglas. So, the MM is in a marriage that has a big crisis. His wife is dying (or so he first thought). He is getting older. He meets someone younger (how old are you?) who shows him love and affection. He begins to reciprocate, and the feelings seem real. In his mind, he does love you. Well, he has those exciting feelings inside that he has not felt since he was in his twenties and dated girls. He feels a love...something he has not felt with his wife in years...maybe never (in his mind). So, yes he "loves" you. You make him feel better than he has in years. Has he ever told you that you make him feel YOUNGER than he has felt in years? Yet he knows that really his wife is his true friend and love even if he doesn't feel it now. He and she have so many memories together. They have a child (children). These are not small things. And even though he feels that he "loves" you, inside he still feels that his wife is the one he wants to grow old with. He knows that she knows him with all of his faults and accepts him as he is...even if they are fighting. Why then does he stay with you? You keep that feeling of youth alive in him. You do make him feel alive. He loves you for what you mean to him. And he WILL do anything for you...so that he can keep those feelings. He loves his secret life. You are his mistress. you give him that "high" that lets him deny that he IS getting older. There are too many classic signs of a man who is dealing with the crisis at hand by using you as an aid to get through them. It is not just that his wife has been sick. he was her caretaker. And he realized that at 42, he has only 20 to 30 "good" years left at best. Although it seems like a long time, it is not. He can remember the excitement of turning 21 as if it were yesterday. Now he realizes that in just a short time, he will be retired. Life is short and he cannot escape the fact that he will die "soon," yet with you he can try. If he truly loved you, he would not be making promises and not following through. He would want to dedicate his life to you. As he knows, life is too short to spend it with someone you no longer love. So why do it? Because he does love her. Trust me...as a guy who has had a sexless marriage, if he is having sex with HER on a regular basis, then he does love her. Or rather they love each other. I still say that if you want to find the truth....stay away from him until he at least seperated from his wife. Tell him that MAY be waiting for him when he has finally left his wife, but until then you will date other men and move on. You may love him, but he has yet to prove to you that he loves you. Promises are empty until fulfilled. Take it from a man who has dealt with and is dealing with a mid life crisis. Link to post Share on other sites
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