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Is he playing me or will he really leave his wife

MistressORToy

By MistressORToy,
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Impudent Oyster

Impudent Oyster

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...they have been able to be intimate according to our mutual friend...since approx last Aug. This person who does not know that I am seing hm occassionally will mention tidbits here and there. Iknow that they are intimate on a fairly reg basis I would say abot 2-3 maybe 4 times weekly. I.

 

Who talks about whether other couples are able to be intimate and then knows the month they can resume sex and how often they have sex? Seriously, I'm not buying it.

 

Something doesn't add up here. Are you sure there is a mutual friend or is this just BS?

 

This alleged "mutual friend" has a very big mouth.

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TogetherForever

TogetherForever

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His W was taken suddenly ill with a life threatening issue last spring...spent 24 days in thehospital and had two life saving surgeries during that time.Then had a 4-6 week recovery time at home...they have been able to be intimate according to our mutual friend...since approx last Aug. This person who does not know that I am seing hm occassionally will mention tidbits here and there. Iknow that they are intimate on a fairly reg basis I would say abot 2-3 maybe 4 times weekly. If he is getting it like that at home (and the W is not exaggerating to this mutual person) then WTF is all this business with me....if he loves me as he claims WHY is he still there? Other ppl could care for her when she goes back intot he hosp for this last surgery He doesn't need to be there.

 

 

He doesn't need to be there, He wants to be there.

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LucreziaBorgia

LucreziaBorgia

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if he loves me as he claims WHY is he still there?

 

Because he wants to be there, and you enable the situation by agreeing to see him while he is still married. You want to see a change? Then take a stand and demand one. Make it clear: either you divorce and be with me, or you are dead to me. Period.

 

Understand this - he is making a choice. He is choosing to stay married, and keep a girlfriend on the side. If you want him to choose between the two of you, you have to make it a clear choice. He cannot have you if he is still with her.

 

Otherwise, he will continue on with the choice he has already made: stay married, and keep you.

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MistressORToy

MistressORToy

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Who talks about whether other couples are able to be intimate and then knows the month they can resume sex and how often they have sex? Seriously, I'm not buying it.

 

Something doesn't add up here. Are you sure there is a mutual friend or is this just BS?

 

This alleged "mutual friend" has a very big mouth.

 

 

THIS MUTUAL FRIEND IS MORE OF A FRIEND OF HERS THAN MINE...SHE TELLS HER EVERYTHING AND I AM SURE SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT THIS FRIEND IN TURN TELLS ANYONE HER BUSINESS...HOWEVER OCCASSIONALLY I DO HER THINGS FROM THIS PERSON. I AM SURE IF SHE KNEW HER FRIEND REPEATED CERTAIN THINGS SHE WOULD BE VERY UPSET....AND YES THIS FRIEND IS A REAL PERSON NOT MADE UP BS..THEYHAVE KNOWN ONE ANOTHER A LONG TIME AND SHE IS PRIVY T ALOT OF PRIVATE INFO....AND YES SHE DOES HAVE A BIG MOUTH

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MistressORToy

MistressORToy

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That's true reboot..."He doesn't need to be there"...but he wants to.

 

DO YOU REALLY THINK HE WANTS TO BE THERE??? BUT HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME EVERY DAY...WE TALK ALL THE TIME. HE MESSAGES ME ALOT....HOW CAN HE DO THAT IF HE TRULY HAS NO PLANS TO LEAVE HIS WIFE? WHY WOULD HE PROMISE ME WE WOULD BE TOGETHER AND BE HESITANT ABOUT TAKING STEPS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN?

 

AND HOW IS IT HIS WIFE CAN BE THIS CLUELESS...WHEN HE CALLS ME SO OFTEN AND TXT MSSGS ME ....HE DOES GO OUT EACH NIGHT FOR BRIEF TIME TO CHECK ONA BUSINESS THEYHAVE TOGETHER DURING WHICH TIME HE CALLS ME THEN RETURNS HOME TO HIS WIFE. HOW IS IT SHE HAS NOT QUESTIONED HIM ABOUT HIS ACTIONS....EVERY NIGHT HE HAS SOME TIME OUT OF THE HOUSE TO CALL ME. SHE MUST SUSPECT SOMETHING AT THE VERY LEAST. HOW LONG CAN A MAN WHO HAS BEEN WITH SOMEONE THIS LONG (NEARLY 20 YRS AS I PREVIOUSLY SAID) NOT STIR UP SUSPCION SIMPLY BY HIS BODY LANGUAGE. I WOULD THINK AFTER ALL THIS TIME SHE WOULD KNOW HIM SO WELL SHE WOULD KNOW SOMEHTING IS "OFF" OR NOT QUITE RIGHT BY NOW...ITS BEEN NEARLY A YR NOW

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TogetherForever

TogetherForever

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THIS MUTUAL FRIEND IS MORE OF A FRIEND OF HERS THAN MINE...SHE TELLS HER EVERYTHING AND I AM SURE SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT THIS FRIEND IN TURN TELLS ANYONE HER BUSINESS...HOWEVER OCCASSIONALLY I DO HER THINGS FROM THIS PERSON. I AM SURE IF SHE KNEW HER FRIEND REPEATED CERTAIN THINGS SHE WOULD BE VERY UPSET....AND YES THIS FRIEND IS A REAL PERSON NOT MADE UP BS..THEYHAVE KNOWN ONE ANOTHER A LONG TIME AND SHE IS PRIVY T ALOT OF PRIVATE INFO....AND YES SHE DOES HAVE A BIG MOUTH

 

MoT,

Won't you tell this mutual friend not to tell you such private info?

TF

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reboot

reboot

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Why don't you tell her then? Then she'll know for sure and you won't have to wonder. And as an added benefit, she can throw this lying bum out on his a**. Sounds like a plan to me.

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luvmy2ns

luvmy2ns

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DO YOU REALLY THINK HE WANTS TO BE THERE??? BUT HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME EVERY DAY...WE TALK ALL THE TIME. HE MESSAGES ME ALOT....HOW CAN HE DO THAT IF HE TRULY HAS NO PLANS TO LEAVE HIS WIFE? WHY WOULD HE PROMISE ME WE WOULD BE TOGETHER AND BE HESITANT ABOUT TAKING STEPS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN?

 

So he can have both his comfortable home life with his family, and some "forbidden" sex on the side. Some men embrace that old saying, "Variety is the spice of life." Tell him to f off. You don't need this BS.

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LucreziaBorgia

LucreziaBorgia

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1. HOW CAN HE DO THAT IF HE TRULY HAS NO PLANS TO LEAVE HIS WIFE?

 

2. WHY WOULD HE PROMISE ME WE WOULD BE TOGETHER AND BE HESITANT ABOUT TAKING STEPS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN?

 

3. AND HOW IS IT HIS WIFE CAN BE THIS CLUELESS...

 

1. Because he can. He won't leave until he is forced to: either by his wife or by you. Neither of you are forcing him to make a choice, so he sticks with his original choice: to stay married, live at home and keep an OW on the side.

 

2. Because it keeps you where he wants you while allowing to stay at home. MM will tell you pretty much anything to keep things the way they want them, without any real intention of following through.

 

3. Maybe she's not. Perhaps she knows and looks the other way. Whatever the case, she's making it pretty easy for him to stay there, and you are making it easy for him to keep you as an OW - so why would he change if he doesn't have to?

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MistressORToy

MistressORToy

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MoT,

Won't you tell this mutual friend not to tell you such private info?

TF

 

WHY TELL HER NOT TO TELL ME STUFF? I GAIN SOME INSIGHT FROM SOME THINGS SHE TELLS ME. HE HAS NEVER SAID HE IS NOT SLEEPING WITH OR HAVING RELATIONS WITH HIS WIFE....NLY THAT HE IS "IN LOVE" WITH ME AND NOT "IN LOVE" WITH HER ANY LONGER. WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING ME? WHY DOES HE KEEP AGREEING TO PLANS TO GET TOGETHER? HOW CAN HE VALUE HIS FAMILY AND KEEP MAKING CONTACT WITH ME AND TELL ME THE THING HE DOES? WHAT DOES HE TELL HIS WIFE? DOES HE TELL HER THE SAME THINGS HE TELLS ME? HAS THEIR RELATIONSHIP REALLY CHANGED? DOES HE WANT TO BE WITH ME MORE AS HE CLAIMS OR IS HE PLAYING AND ONCE BUSTED BY THE WIFE WILL DROP ME LEAVING ME HURT AND ALONE?

I WAS MARRIED WHEN WE GOT TOGETHER....HAVE SINCE DIVORCED AND HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO CHANGE OUR STATUS. HE IS HESITATING DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS OR CLAIMS HE WANTS.

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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

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WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING????

THIS MUTUAL FRIEND IS MORE OF A FRIEND OF HERS THAN MINE...SHE TELLS HER EVERYTHING AND I AM SURE SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT THIS FRIEND IN TURN TELLS ANYONE HER BUSINESS...HOWEVER OCCASSIONALLY I DO HER THINGS FROM THIS PERSON. I AM SURE IF SHE KNEW HER FRIEND REPEATED CERTAIN THINGS SHE WOULD BE VERY UPSET....AND YES THIS FRIEND IS A REAL PERSON NOT MADE UP BS..THEYHAVE KNOWN ONE ANOTHER A LONG TIME AND SHE IS PRIVY T ALOT OF PRIVATE INFO....AND YES SHE DOES HAVE A BIG MOUTH

 

Okay, this 'friend' has a big mouth and honestly, really isn't a true friend if she is spilling private details to you. Think of this, there's a chance that this so called 'friend' is exaggerating. His wife vents to this friend, it doesn't really make what is going 'true'.

 

Until you hear it from the MM, wouldn't read much into what your 'friend' is saying.

 

Besides, even if he is having sex with his wife, he isn't going to tell you that. Why would he? Nope..He's gonna make it seem like the two of them are distant, that she treats him poorly, that he is suffering....ALL for your benefit so you can be strung along and eat up his lies.

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LucreziaBorgia

LucreziaBorgia

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1. WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING ME? WHY DOES HE KEEP AGREEING TO PLANS TO GET TOGETHER?

 

2. HOW CAN HE VALUE HIS FAMILY AND KEEP MAKING CONTACT WITH ME AND TELL ME THE THING HE DOES?

 

3. DOES HE WANT TO BE WITH ME MORE AS HE CLAIMS OR IS HE PLAYING AND ONCE BUSTED BY THE WIFE WILL DROP ME LEAVING ME HURT AND ALONE?

 

4. I WAS MARRIED WHEN WE GOT TOGETHER....HAVE SINCE DIVORCED AND HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO CHANGE OUR STATUS. HE IS HESITATING DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS OR CLAIMS HE WANTS.

 

 

 

1. He does it because he wants to, and because he can.

 

2. He does value his family. That's why he hasn't left them for you. Right now he doesn't think he is going to get caught, and he is only doing this because he thinks he can get away with it.

 

3. Chances are he will dump you under the bus, and when the dust clears he will come back and resume the affair, only more carefully this time. That's usually what happens.

 

4. It is unfortunate you gave up what you had for someone who will not do the same for you.

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norajane

norajane

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WHY TELL HER NOT TO TELL ME STUFF? I GAIN SOME INSIGHT FROM SOME THINGS SHE TELLS ME. HE HAS NEVER SAID HE IS NOT SLEEPING WITH OR HAVING RELATIONS WITH HIS WIFE....NLY THAT HE IS "IN LOVE" WITH ME AND NOT "IN LOVE" WITH HER ANY LONGER. WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING ME? WHY DOES HE KEEP AGREEING TO PLANS TO GET TOGETHER? HOW CAN HE VALUE HIS FAMILY AND KEEP MAKING CONTACT WITH ME AND TELL ME THE THING HE DOES? WHAT DOES HE TELL HIS WIFE? DOES HE TELL HER THE SAME THINGS HE TELLS ME? HAS THEIR RELATIONSHIP REALLY CHANGED? DOES HE WANT TO BE WITH ME MORE AS HE CLAIMS OR IS HE PLAYING AND ONCE BUSTED BY THE WIFE WILL DROP ME LEAVING ME HURT AND ALONE?

I WAS MARRIED WHEN WE GOT TOGETHER....HAVE SINCE DIVORCED AND HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO CHANGE OUR STATUS. HE IS HESITATING DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS OR CLAIMS HE WANTS.

 

 

He isn't going to tell you, "I like having you in my life while my wife is going through her illness and surgeries, and I'm flattered by your attention, and the sex is great. But I'm not going to leave my wife."

 

He knows if he tells you that, you will leave him.

 

So, you need to look at his actions if you want the truth. And his actions show that nothing has changed at home for him. He's living with his wife, having sex with his wife multiple times a week, and he has made no move to leave her.

 

He likes having you in his life because your attention - physical and emotional - makes him feel good. But he's still not going to leave his wife. Because, as you said, he "loves her to death" and that means something to him - whatever it means, he's not leaving his wife.

 

So he lies to both of you to keep both of you in his life.

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Havn_a_life

Havn_a_life

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As a matter of fact he is 42.....and when his wife was recently ill we spoke often and during that time he was told twice that she might die, and he had a major falling out with her faily. He was angry to say the least....we spoke all last summer and things got more intense in the fall of last yr. He has said he wants to be with me...but he has not left his wife. She has a surgery coming up soon.....is he waiting for her to be thru with that before leaving her? or is that just an excuse he will use? He has said he doesn't want tobe the bad guy, doesnt want to hurt anhyone...that leaving his wife would destry her, devastate her, that his kids would think he was a loser....etc And yet he still says "someday"...so is he ever leaving? I have been waiting for him already for nearly a year and nothing has changed.

 

I just can't believe this guy is serious about any woman if from what you say his W is going through this illness and he's not feeling guilty enough to stay true to her.

How awful for her should she find out about his A with you, somone she knows, when she's already got all this illness crap heaped upon her.

 

I think if you have any empathy for this woman, you would set her H aside and leave him alone. I couldn't ever, ever be with someone like that who's own spouse was home dealing with the illness she is dealing with. I'd die from the guilt.

 

He neither cares for her(which is evident from his infidelity) and he doesn't love you either, as he can come to you with an ailing W at home, who obviously needs him there.

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Impudent Oyster

Impudent Oyster

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DO YOU REALLY THINK HE WANTS TO BE THERE??? BUT HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME EVERY DAY...WE TALK ALL THE TIME. HE MESSAGES ME ALOT....HOW ? WHY ?

 

AND HOW IS IT SHE HAS NOT QUESTIONED HIM ABOUT HIS ACTIONS....E. HOW LONG CAN A MAN WHO HAS BEEN WITH SOMEONE THIS LONG (NEARLY 20 YRS AS I PREVIOUSLY SAID)

 

WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING ME? WHY DOES HE KEEP AGREEING TO PLANS TO GET TOGETHER?

 

HOW CAN HE VALUE HIS FAMILY AND KEEP MAKING CONTACT WITH ME AND TELL ME THE THING HE DOES?

 

DOES HE WANT TO BE WITH ME MORE AS HE CLAIMS OR IS HE PLAYING AND ONCE BUSTED BY THE WIFE WILL DROP ME LEAVING ME HURT AND ALONE?

 

 

OH MY GOD ,HOW, WHY, HOW, WHY, WHY DON"T YOU JUST ASK HIM??????

 

THEN COME BACK AND TELL US WHAT hIS ANSWERS (EXCUSES) WERE!

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frannie

frannie

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As a matter of fact he is 42.....and when his wife was recently ill we spoke often and during that time he was told twice that she might die, and he had a major falling out with her faily. He was angry to say the least....we spoke all last summer and things got more intense in the fall of last yr. He has said he wants to be with me...but he has not left his wife. She has a surgery coming up soon.....is he waiting for her to be thru with that before leaving her? or is that just an excuse he will use? He has said he doesn't want tobe the bad guy, doesnt want to hurt anhyone...that leaving his wife would destry her, devastate her, that his kids would think he was a loser....etc And yet he still says "someday"...so is he ever leaving? I have been waiting for him already for nearly a year and nothing has changed.

 

MOT, I don't think your MM is anywhere near leaving his W, and this is from his own lips: he's told you he loves her, and leaving her would destroy her. There's all the information you need right there. You can add in that his kids will think he's a loser to that, and that she's very, very ill. And you have a cast-iron case for a man not moving an inch.

 

It doesn't matter that he's not 'in love' with her anymore, and he's 'in love' with you. Being 'in love' can fade... can come and go at different times during a relationship. What he feels he needs to do, overwhelmingly, is stay.

 

Now that may change at some point in the future... but all those things would have to change: his W to recover, to become less dependent on him (in HIS eyes too), his views of divorce to change, his need to not be seen as 'a loser' to his kids. In fact, the World would probably have to shift off its axis to make those things different... and it's just not likely in my view.

 

Not saying it wouldn't happen, just that it's unlikely. Regardless of love for you. And he might love you to distraction. That is largely irrelevant, and that's where a lot of OW don't really understand the picture... I certainly didn't when I got involved! It doesn't help that commentators keep coming out with 'If he loved you, he'd leave'... well no, he can still love you yet stay. The two are not mutually exclusive.

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Ladyjane14

Ladyjane14

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(Please don't tell me...he is around 40 years old, too.)

 

As a matter of fact he is 42.....

 

Prime age for MLC. Personally, I believe this to be both emotional and physiological for men at around that age, with some having a harder time making the adjustment than others.

 

Not only is a man taking stock of his life right about that age, the body's chemical balance is changing, usually leaving him lacking in "feel-good" neurotransmitters like seratonin. Dopamine is a pretty good band-aid for this, hence the little red sports car and new mistress cliches. The body's physiological response to Infatuation and sex, of course... provides dopamine.

 

This could all be less about "love" than you think. During an illicit romantic affair, even emails, texts, and thoughts of the object of his infatuation will provide a dopamine rush.

 

It's possible that you're just fodder for this guy's mid-life meltdown.

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MistressORToy

MistressORToy

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MOT, I don't think your MM is anywhere near leaving his W, and this is from his own lips: he's told you he loves her, and leaving her would destroy her. There's all the information you need right there. You can add in that his kids will think he's a loser to that, and that she's very, very ill. And you have a cast-iron case for a man not moving an inch.

 

It doesn't matter that he's not 'in love' with her anymore, and he's 'in love' with you. Being 'in love' can fade... can come and go at different times during a relationship. What he feels he needs to do, overwhelmingly, is stay.

 

Now that may change at some point in the future... but all those things would have to change: his W to recover, to become less dependent on him (in HIS eyes too), his views of divorce to change, his need to not be seen as 'a loser' to his kids. In fact, the World would probably have to shift off its axis to make those things different... and it's just not likely in my view.

 

Not saying it wouldn't happen, just that it's unlikely. Regardless of love for you. And he might love you to distraction. That is largely irrelevant, and that's where a lot of OW don't really understand the picture... I certainly didn't when I got involved! It doesn't help that commentators keep coming out with 'If he loved you, he'd leave'... well no, he can still love you yet stay. The two are not mutually exclusive.

'

HIS WIFE IS NO LONGER SERIOUSLY ILL...SHE HAS SURGERY TO HAVE TO REVERSE A PROCEDURE THEY DID TO SAVE HER LIFE. HOWEVER THIS SURGERY IS NOT LIFE THREATENING AND IS ELECTIVE. SHE IS DOING QUITE WELL IS PHYSICALLY HEALTHY AT THIS TIME. HE STILL IS AT HOME AND MAKING NO PLANS TO LEAVE. THE SURGERY SHE WILL HAVE - WHEN SHE FINALLY DOES IT - WILL BE A WEEK HOSP STAY I AM TOLD AND A 4 WEEK HOME RECOVERY WHERE SHE WILL NEED SOME ASSISTANCE AND WHATNOT. HOWEVER SHE WILL NOT BE AS DEPENDANT THIS TIME AROUND AS SHE WAS A YEAR AGO. SO HE ISN'T STAYING BECAUSE SHE IS ILL...SHE ISN'T ILL SHE IS QUITE HEALTHY NOW AND NEEDING ONLY AND ELECTIVE SURGERY ...ONE THAT MANY OTHER PPL HAVE EVERY DAY.

HIS PARENTS HAVE BEEN MARRIED NEARLY 55 YRS HIS SIBLINS R BOTH MARRIED WITH GROWN CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN. AND DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT "I DON'T CARE WHAT PPL THIK ABOUT ME" I BELIEVE HE DOES CARE WHAT PPL WOULD THINK. DEEP DOWN HE CARES THAT PPLMIGHT THINK LESS OF HIM SHULD THEY DISCOVER HE LEFT HIS FAMILY FOR HIS MISTRESS. HIS W IS ALSO WELL LIKED BY HIS FRIENDS AND SO DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS I THIK HE DOES CARE ABOUT LOSING FACE...LOSING RESPECT OF SOME PPL. I THINK HE PRIDES HIMSELF ON DOING THE RIGHT THING ....MAYBE HE JUST CAN'T FIIND A WAY TO TELL ME THAT HE CAN NO LONGER DO THIS WITH ME. WHEN WE GOT TOGETHER LOOKING BACK I SEE HE WAS AN EMOTIONAL WRECK HAVING BEEN TOLD TWICE IN LESS THAN A WEEK HIS WIFE (OTHERWISE VERY HEALTHY NEVER EVEN A COLD) WAS POSSIBLY GOING TO DIE, HE HAD A BIG ARGUMENT WITH HIS INLAWS...HE WAS PISSED OFF ENRAGED RESENTFUL....AND AS I SAID EMOTIONALLY A WRECK....NOW LOOKING BACK I THIK HE MAY HAVE GOT INTO THIS AND NOW IS STARTING TO SEE THAT HE WAS WRONG TO DO THIS. COULD GUILT BE EATING AT HIM? WE TALK ALL THE TIME BUT HAVE SEEN EACH OTHER LESS OFTEN ESPECIALLY SINCE HE JUST UP AND QUIT WORK OUT OF THE BLUE ONE DAY (WE WORKED AT THE SAME OCMPANY FOR YRS)....IS HE WAITING FOR ME TO GIVE HIM THE ULTIMATUM OR WAITING FOR HIS WIFE TO CONFRONT HIM SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO END THINGS WITH ONE OF US?

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