What constitutes an emotional affair?

[popey]

Inspired by another recent thread, I'm curious what folks think constitutes an emotional affair.

[shadowplay]

People won't like this, but I think emotional affairs are mostly BS. People in a relationship can have best friends they tell everything to. That doesn't mean they feel the same connection and love for that friend that they do for their SO. Sometimes it's just good to have somebody you can spill your guts too, aside from your SO. A good relationship has a lot of closeness with some boundaries. There are some things you shouldn't share with your SO because it could damage the relationship or could destroy the air of mystery that keeps the romance alive. Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but that's just the way I feel. That's why people have friends outside of a relationship. There are some things you can talk about with your friends that you can't with your SO.

 

The only situation I would ever call an "emotional affair" is if somebody is actually in love with a person outside their relationship and spending a lot of time with that person...it just hasn't reached the physical level yet. But if there are no romantic feelings, then it's just a friend.

[jj2007]

In my opinion, an emotional affair is having a relationship with someone other than your SO that you hide from them or lie about to your SO. Any way that you act or anything you talk about with this OP that you wouldn't do if your SO was there is an Emotional affair.

[LakesideDream]

Shadow, As a male my opinion is probably worthless however I will offer.

 

An "emotional affair" is whatever a woman says it is (or isn't). Men are not qualified to judge the difference between friendships and emotional affairs.

 

I do know how to avoid emotional affairs. If you are male, never speak to a woman socially unless your SO is present, or unless you have permission from your SO (however permission is not fool proof, rules can change without notice or reason). Limit all workplace conversations to business related issues and the weather.

 

If you are female and wish to avoid an emotional affair, fret not. All you need to do is deny that an emotional affair exists. Men are not competant to judge you.l

[OpenBook]

Shadow, As a male my opinion is probably worthless however I will offer.

 

An "emotional affair" is whatever a woman says it is (or isn't). Men are not qualified to judge the difference between friendships and emotional affairs.

 

I do know how to avoid emotional affairs. If you are male, never speak to a woman socially unless your SO is present, or unless you have permission from your SO (however permission is not fool proof, rules can change without notice or reason). Limit all workplace conversations to business related issues and the weather.

 

If you are female and wish to avoid an emotional affair, fret not. All you need to do is deny that an emotional affair exists. Men are not competant to judge you.l

 

Sounds horrible!! I certainly hope you're joking, Lakeside.

 

I think EA's are BS. As long as you're not being physical, and you're not aggressively flirtatious in your demeanor with members of the opposite sex to whom you are not betrothed, I see nothing wrong in having nice friendships outside the M. To expect your spouse to cut off this delightful part of life is NOT the best way to love them. Not to mention being totally unreasonable.

[CaliGuy]

It's simple, really. Giving the time and attention you'd normally give your S/O to someone else.

 

And to those who think it's BS, it's every bit as damaging as a physical affair.

[LakesideDream]

Sounds horrible!! I certainly hope you're joking, Lakeside.

 

I think EA's are BS. As long as you're not being physical, and you're not aggressively flirtatious in your demeanor with members of the opposite sex to whom you are not betrothed, I see nothing wrong in having nice friendships outside the M. To expect your spouse to cut off this delightful part of life is NOT the best way to love them. Not to mention being totally unreasonable.

 

 

Sarcasm my friend, only works when there is truth at the root.

[cj1988]

I believe that everyone should have a friend to vent to, male or female as long as you are not degrading you SO. When you are in a committed relationship you have bills, kids (sometimes) stress of the everyday life. You do not have these with friends. All you have is an outlet to say things that are not threatening to them, maybe to your SO.

 

As long as it is INNOCENT conversation, no flirting or hiding, it should be fine. It helps this stressful everyday life we all live.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Emotional affair: when you take from or deny your SO emotional investments, and give them to someone else while lying, deceiving and hiding the relationship in order to keep it going.

 

Its not just being friends with someone, or giving emotional investments to someone other than your SO. It is when your SO gets the short end of the stick in comparison, and you lie about it and hide it in order to perpetuate it.

 

I guess I should mention too, that emotional affairs are different from friendships in the true sense, in that they are 99% unfulfilled physical desires for each other masked as a "friendship". This unspoken (or sometimes spoken - it is not unusual for people in an EA to admit that they want each other) desire is what causes a deepening of emotional involvement. You find yourself having to hide it, because you know damn well your SO would be hurt by what you are doing and you don't want it to end. So... its not "just friends", not by a longshot.

[JamesM]

In my opinion, an emotional affair is having a relationship with someone other than your SO that you hide from them or lie about to your SO. Any way that you act or anything you talk about with this OP that you wouldn't do if your SO was there is an Emotional affair.

 

 

I agree with this definition. Someone can have a good friendship with a member of the opposite sex and it can be okay...as long as your SO has no problem with it. As soon as this relationship causes a rift between you and your partner or it is a relationship that you feel you must keep secret, then technically, it is an affair.

 

Yes, some people are more jealous than others, but it still comes down to the importance placed on that relationship. Friendships can cause problems, but in an EA, the person becomes more important than the feelings of your spouse/partner.

 

Although as a guy, I think the term Emotional Affair is overused, it is real in many situations.

[solitude]

it is a strong emotional connection for someone other than your SO. A person you like to talk to, be with, longing to hear from, someone who takes your mind off your SO.

[LakesideDream]

I agree with this definition. Someone can have a good friendship with a member of the opposite sex and it can be okay...as long as your SO has no problem with it. As soon as this relationship causes a rift between you and your partner or it is a relationship that you feel you must keep secret, then technically, it is an affair.

 

How can this be? First, why does your SO need to OK every friendship? Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't like one of your SO's "friends", told her so, and asked her to stop seeing them? If you had you would know what a truely useless request that is. Women are allowed to have any, and all the friends they desire, and to discuss anything and everything with them. Men have many more restrictions on them in relationships. Gawd forbid that the "friend" a man talks to about serious life issues is a woman, worse yet an attractive woman.

 

Yes, some people are more jealous than others, but it still comes down to the importance placed on that relationship. Friendships can cause problems, but in an EA, the person becomes more important than the feelings of your spouse/partner.

 

At least in the beginning, it's always the feelings of the "spouse/partner" in the "EA" that come first. They aren't thinking of their partner.

 

Although as a guy, I think the term Emotional Affair is overused, it is real in many situations.

 

I believe the term "Emotional Affair" is badly misuesd. Today women are agressively against a male having any female friends. They are threatened, and take steps to cause "friendships" to cease. Of course, if a woman has a male friend "that's OK" because as we all know they are "in control".

 

In this, the 21st century, an age of "no fault" divorce, and walk away wives, women have all the power in serious relationships ie. marriage. They don't "need" a reason to end a relationship, only a suspicion. Men are much less likely to confront a woman, much less leave them over "emotional affairs". Many women believe "emotional affairs" are worse than physical affairs. Go figure.

 

I had an "emotional affair" (by current standards) with a woman I though I was friends with. We discussed many things, problems with my children (had a difficult boy, and a girl with no problems) money problems, work problems, occasionally even emotional problems in my marriage. I listened to her similar problems, and offered advice occasionally. It was not romantic! Her and her husband continued to be family friends.

 

It didn't cause any problems in my 25 year marriage. The problems (other than normal everyday stuff) were caused by my wife banging her H.S. boyfriend off and on, for 23 years of our marriage. Now that was an affair, emotional and physical.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I had an "emotional affair" (by current standards) with a woman I though I was friends with. We discussed many things, problems with my children (had a difficult boy, and a girl with no problems) money problems, work problems, occasionally even emotional problems in my marriage. I listened to her similar problems, and offered advice occasionally. It was not romantic! Her and her husband continued to be family friends.

 

That is not an emotional affair IMO. If you and she were turning to each other for relationship problems and emotional support, and hinting at your romantic feelings for each other while denying your SO's that same closeness and at the same time lying about it and deceiving your SO's in order to keep it going, then I might be more inclined to call that an emotional affair.

 

I will, however agree that sometimes jealousy can be the motivation for calling a regular old friendship an 'emotional affair'.

[Touche]

I don't believe in EA's. I think it's bunk. And many married people develop little crushes that mean nothing.

 

The only "affairs" I believe in are the ones that involve physical affection/sex. That's an affair and is wrong.

 

In my mind, EA's are no different than just fantasizing. We all do it (fantasize.) Or almost all of us do. How does that hurt our SO?

[SoHotZanzibar]

I don't believe in EA's. I think it's bunk. And many married people develop little crushes that mean nothing.

 

The only "affairs" I believe in are the ones that involve physical affection/sex. That's an affair and is wrong.

 

In my mind, EA's are no different than just fantasizing. We all do it (fantasize.) Or almost all of us do. How does that hurt our SO?

 

I totally agree with Touche. The only way I think it could hurt SO is if time spent on the EA actually interferes with the M time.

 

I think a physical affair is a totally different dimension

[reboot]

Sorry for those that don't believe in them, but Emotional Affairs are quite real, and can be quite deadly to a marriage. And left unchecked, often become Physical Affairs anyway.

[Touche]

Sorry for those that don't believe in them, but Emotional Affairs are quite real, and can be quite deadly to a marriage. And left unchecked, often become Physical Affairs anyway.

 

Well if there's no physical/sexual activity going on but you're declaring your love for each other, then to me that's an affair. So I'll modify what I said before on that score. I guess I just don't distinguish between an EA and a PA. To me, it's more black and white. It's either an affair or it isn't.

[reboot]

Well if there's no physical/sexual activity going on but you're declaring your love for each other, then to me that's an affair. So I'll modify what I said before on that score. I guess I just don't distinguish between an EA and a PA. To me, it's more black and white. It's either an affair or it isn't.

Oh, I agree. I don't see much difference. Both are cheating.

[SoHotZanzibar]

Oh, I agree. I don't see much difference. Both are cheating.

 

Would you see each as a totally equal transgression?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Would you see each as a totally equal transgression?

 

For me, I would see my SO saying to another woman "I love you and I want you, and I want to be with you but I'm stuck with my girlfriend" as far worse than if he just went out for a 'no looking back' ONS.

 

The thing about affairs though is that with the exception of the one time only ONSs they are nearly never one or the other. Usually they are both, or one leads to the blending of the two. Even the ones who say they are having 'emotional only' affairs still enjoy a fair bit of physical interaction: kissing, touching, hand holding, stroking, cuddling, etc. Unless you are physically separated by distance and its an online/phone/webcam only thing, there is going to be some amount of physical involvement in an EA. I guess for some people though, their lines of innocence in terms of touching are drawn according to what they think they can get away with.

[JamesM]

Lakeside, I understand your point. Perhaps I did not make myself clear as to what I think an EA is.

 

The difference between a friendship and an EA is the degree of emotional involvement and degree of secrecy involved.

 

Having a friendship with a female (if you are a male) does not consitute an EA. I had/have one with an administrative assistant of mine. We even talked about my wife and how I felt at the time. We even talked about how we felt about each other. She was married as was I. She also became a friend of my wife's. But she still was more loyal to me.

 

Was this an EA? No, not by definition. I kept none of the friendship a secret from my wife. And if it ever became a sore point, this female friend would have stepped back so that my wife was comfortable with the friendship...as would I have done if her husband was concerned. This was never the case. They trusted us, and we did nothing to break that trust.

 

An EA would be where that friendship developed into a secretive emotional/romantic "friendship" that needed to be defended. An EA becomes more important to the people in it than the feelings or commitments that have been made to spouses and partners. Then the time spent with this "friend" is more important than the time with the partner. And then ultimately, lies are said so that the "friendship" can continue without the spouse knowing all of the details.

 

A friendship with a member of the opposite sex is simply that....even if it is close. It is kept open and honest. No secrets are kept from the spouse.

 

An EA an progress to a PA (and I think it usually does if not stopped), but the damage is done when the "friend" becomes more special than the spouse.

[Trialbyfire]

If you feel you've crossed the line, you have. If you hide it, knowing your spouse or SO would disapprove, you're there, because now you've placed yourself and your EA partner ahead of your real life partner.

[LakesideDream]

That is not an emotional affair IMO. If you and she were turning to each other for relationship problems and emotional support, and hinting at your romantic feelings for each other while denying your SO's that same closeness and at the same time lying about it and deceiving your SO's in order to keep it going, then I might be more inclined to call that an emotional affair.

 

I will, however agree that sometimes jealousy can be the motivation for calling a regular old friendship an 'emotional affair'.

 

 

LB, you might not call it an "emotional affair", but most here would. Even at the time (some 15 years ago) my ex was very uncomfortable with the relationship (yes it was a relationship, we were friends). Funny though, her husband who was a former employee of mine never had any problems with the friendship. He understood it was what it seemed. At the end of the 25 marriage, this relationship was one of two that my ex claimed were affairs (physical and emotional) my now ex claimed I had, had to help justify her own actions. Who knows maybe she believed it at the time.

 

I have a female "friend" now with whom I'm in a similar relationship. We are friends, not romantic partners. We don't have a physical relationship, just a friendship where we share concerns, problems, good times and bad. We try to have dinner at "Outback" every six weeks or so, and do most of our communication on the telephone and occasionally email (no texting, never tried it my eyes just don't work that way any more!).

 

If I was currently in a physical relationship I would not forgo my relationship with this other gal. We've been friends over five years and it wouldn't be reasonable to expect it. I really wouldn't care what the woman I was dating thought.

[Aintayankee]

Emotional affairs are what girls get jealous of. Guys don't care too much, as long as physically the girl is next to him a lot, cause he knows she ain't screwin anyone else. Evolutionary type junk.

 

Just don't set up a love triangle. Take a step back to question things, and don't leave both of them hanging long before you make a decision.

[Trialbyfire]

Yup, guys would be really content if their SOs and spouses are running around telling other men they want to do them, as long as they don't act on it...