What constitutes an emotional affair?

[solitude]

Oh, I agree. I don't see much difference. Both are cheating.

 

both are cheating. If you spend a lot of time chatting, texting someone else than your SO, then it is cehating.

 

The only time I would say it's only friendship is when you can show your SO the texting, the emails you exchange with that other person.

 

If you can't share your 'secret' then it IS cheating, eventhough there is no physical activity going on.

[SoHotZanzibar]

both are cheating. If you spend a lot of time chatting, texting someone else than your SO, then it is cehating.

 

The only time I would say it's only friendship is when you can show your SO the texting, the emails you exchange with that other person.

 

If you can't share your 'secret' then it IS cheating, eventhough there is no physical activity going on.

 

Would you see each as a totally equal transgression?

[oppath]

 

I have a female "friend" now with whom I'm in a similar relationship. We are friends, not romantic partners. We don't have a physical relationship, just a friendship where we share concerns, problems, good times and bad. We try to have dinner at "Outback" every six weeks or so, and do most of our communication on the telephone and occasionally email (no texting, never tried it my eyes just don't work that way any more!).

 

If I was currently in a physical relationship I would not forgo my relationship with this other gal. We've been friends over five years and it wouldn't be reasonable to expect it. I really wouldn't care what the woman I was dating thought.

 

Lakeside, I can't imagine a woman considering your friendship an emotional affair at all as long as (1) the woman you entered a relationship with knew about this friend (2) you told this friend about your relationship and (3) at some point, your "girlfriend" could meet this friend. I would think you would want your "girlfriend" to meet your friend at some point, would you not?

 

It could only be an emotional affair if (1) you didn't tell your girlfriend about this friend or lied about your whereabouts (such as her asking you "what did you do after work" and you say "went to workout" or "drinks with coworkers" when really, it was dinner with Mindy); (2) you flat-out refuse to ever allow your girlfriend to meet her. That asks the question, "what is going on between them that I haven't met her?"

 

The girls I have dated are FINE with me having close female friends; but I invite my girlfriends along 1-in-3 times or so. That way they can meet my female friends and see for themselves that we are JUST friends. You can't enter a relationship distrusting people, but trust is also earned. The easiest way to earn trust is to make your girlfriend VISIBLE. If my girlfriend calls when I'm out to dinner with my female friends, I ANSWER THE CALL and say "I'm out to dinner with Megan, but I should be done in an hour, can I call you back then?" If I were to go to dinner with Megan often and not reveal it or be unavailable to my gf because of it, even if it was just a friendship, I'd still be destroying the fidelity of my relationship by putting the friendship above the needs of my girlfriend, whereas they should be equal.

[SoHotZanzibar]

Sorry for those that don't believe in them, but Emotional Affairs are quite real, and can be quite deadly to a marriage. And left unchecked, often become Physical Affairs anyway.

 

How do you know the 'often' become Physical Affairs anway?

Where did you get your data for this conclusion?

Do you have a source?

[reboot]

Just personal observations. I'll change it to "In my experience, if left unchecked, they often become Physical Affairs anyway". That make it better? Alas, I'm no Dr Phil (but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night).

[LakesideDream]

It's an "EA" if it's "secret" or "hide" it. Think about that position! If it was possible to discuss a problem, problems, or situations with your SO, you wouldn't be as likley to discuss those things with a friend now would you? In many relationships every word spoken is cataloged and filed away for future reference. When talking with a SO you need to realize that what you say may be brought up years later in court or therapy. Don't say it ain't so, 'cause I've seen it happen many times.

 

What man out there would be willing to admit to his SO that he was attracted to another woman but didn't act on his attraction because he loved his wife? Not many. Add in the plethora of "blended" families, with ex's floating around and it becomes even more complicated.

 

Not mentioning it, or discussing something with your SO equals "hiding it"? or lying?

 

This is a hot button issue, especially with women. One only needs to read the responses in this thread to see this. In the end the situation is moot, as in todays society, those with "power" make the rules. Men today, are not in a power situation in interpersonal relationships. Maybe that's good, as the balance has changed in the last couple of decades. In the past women were at a huge disadvantage, affairs were overlooked as "boys will be boys".. and all that other garbage. Women were not valued as they should have been. The pendulum has swung.

 

It should come as no suprise that over half of all college men when surveyed say that they are not considering marriage at all. Why bother? What's the upside? Marriage fails at a 56% rate, second marriages at a 63% rate. How many intact nuclear families (original Mom, Dad, and Kids) do you actually know? Twenty years ago, between my two kids classes (60+ grammer school kids) there were 3 thats right, 3 intact families. The rest were "blended" we must be doing something right eh?

[SoHotZanzibar]

Just personal observations. I'll change it to "In my experience, if left unchecked, they often become Physical Affairs anyway". That make it better? Alas, I'm no Dr Phil (but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night).

 

Yes. It does make it better. Too many people make up or assume things and declare them as fact. Simply not accurate. Wouldn't you agree?

 

Also,

How do you know of so many Emotional Affairs turning physical?

I would think most people would want to keep them secret.

Or are you speaking from experience?

[reboot]

Well, if you must know, I've read alot about this subject. There are quite a few marriage counselor types with websites that offer free material to read. I could get you links to some of them, but I suspect you could find them yourself just as easily. I've also purchased a couple of books about the subject matter that I've read. My interest is because I do, unfortunately, have some experience with it.

[oppath]

Not sure I understand your position Lakeside?

 

By hiding, no-one is suggesting you can't go to a female friend and discuss problems with your primary relationship. So if you meet a female friend for drinks or dinner, it's not reasonable for your girlfriend or wife to demand you tell her everything you talked about.

 

What IS reasonable is telling your girlfriend or wife "I went to dinner with my friend." Do you see the difference there? You build trust by making your partner and your activities VISIBLE. If your girlfriend or wife has a problem with your friendship, ask WHY? Are they really just insecure or jealous? Or...do they feel excluded? Do they feel they aren't as big a priority as your friend? Do they feel hidden from your friend, like they are invisible? Have they gotten the chance to befriend your friend, not as a close friend, but just to know who they are (most people in relationships want to introduce their new partners to their friends to say "hey, look what I got!")?

 

If you go to dinner with your friend, and your wife asks "how is she" you don't have to say "fine, we talked about our sexual problems and how you aren't fulfilling me in bed" even if that is what you discussed with your friend. But going to dinner without telling your wife, doing it frequently, lying about your WHEREABOUTS to keep that friendship going without your wife's knowledge....those activities, if you don't consider them emotional infidelity, nonetheless inarguably destroy the fidelity of the relationship.

[SoHotZanzibar]

Well, if you must know, I've read alot about this subject. There are quite a few marriage counselor types with websites that offer free material to read. I could get you links to some of them, but I suspect you could find them yourself just as easily. I've also purchased a couple of books about the subject matter that I've read. My interest is because I do, unfortunately, have some experience with it.

 

Oh please!

Do list those sites and those books!

That way everyone here can benefit as well!

Thanks!

[reboot]

google: cheating wife

 

That's where I found them all originally.

 

Change it to "emotional affair cheating wife" if you want more specific sites about EAs.

 

If you want a few of the sites I have bookmarked,

 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/

http://www.aftertheaffair.net/resources.htm

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

 

There are tons, I'm not listing all of them.

 

Here's a nice definition of infidelity I had bookmarked:

 

http://www.gregswensonphd.com/infidelity.htm#3

[SoHotZanzibar]

google: cheating wife

 

That's where I found them all originally.

 

Change it to "emotional affair cheating wife" if you want more specific sites about EAs.

 

If you want a few of the sites I have bookmarked,

 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/

http://www.aftertheaffair.net/resources.htm

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

 

There are tons, I'm not listing all of them.

 

Here's a nice definition of infidelity I had bookmarked:

 

http://www.gregswensonphd.com/infidelity.htm#3

 

 

What about the books you read? It would be nice to know which ones are good.

[reboot]

I'm reading Lisey's Story by Stephen King at the moment. I recommend it.

[SoHotZanzibar]

I've also purchased a couple of books about the subject matter that I've read.

 

This is what I was referring to.

Why did you bring up Stephen King?

What was the point of that?

[LakesideDream]

Most posters here are ignoring the root cause of what we call "emotional affairs" today.

 

Half the posts are arguing definitions. My posts are an attempt to get to the causes, not squabble over semantic's.

 

With "emotional affairs" causing problems in relationship, Divorce being the normal state, 2nd and 3d marriages becoming more and more common, "blended" families now being more common than intact families, who segments of society ignoring marriage all together, only keeping track (sometimes) of "baby mama's and baby daddies" the problems are bigger than "emotional affairs. Emotional affiars are often just another excuse to dissolve a relationship instead of making the effort necessary for the relationship to succeed.

 

The government is now willing to subsidize "single parent" families (read that women women raising children alone), with the media celebrating same, and encouraging people to go it alone, taking the position that a "happy" single parent family is equal to an average intact family, with men's value in personal relationships being minimized, with the situation advancing at a exponential rate, the end of current society is on the horizon.

 

American society today face a complete breakdown of the family unit. Frankly, I doubt the situation is recoverable. Very few people are willing to share their lives 100% / 100% with another person thus the "family unit" is fading into oblivion. When the choice is between being "happy most of the time" and cooperating to raise a family, and giving up to "go it alone" being supported by society and the government to many make the choice to abandon the family unit and "try" again, regardless of the reality that 2nd, and 3d marriages have lower success rates that 1st's do.

 

I went to a "new age" wedding in the 1980's where the wedding vows included the following. "To have and hold, love and cherish, until one of us decides not to". At the time, most of the people at the wedding thought that was so absurd as to be humorous. Twenty years later it's become reality! Oh... BTW, the marriage lasted seven months, before one of them decided that she liked her employer (an attorney) better than her insurance agent husband. Hell how can you blame her? Doesen't everyone know that a Mercedes Convertable beats a Jetta every time?

 

Until/unless there is a fundemental change in the current structure of relationships and marriage, we may be headed for even rockier times. "Emotional Affairs" may become the very least of our problems. There must be a "happy medium" between the faulty balance that occured in the past and those in the present. If not? What then?