he says im the one, but hes not ready now

[heartbrkn523]

So where do I begin....Im new to this....But I need help...so my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 yrs. Im 27 years old and I know Im ready for the next step. Not even for the ring, but to start saving money so when we do get engaged we have soe money aside. So brought it up to him only to have my dreams shattered. Ive always assumed that it was he wasnt financially ready, I was so wrong. He is not ready. For the past week weve been miserable, crying, depressed. We havent even yelled at each other. He swears to me that he knows he wants to marry me and be the mother of his children. And that he hates himself for doing this to me and not knowing what is wrong with him. And I believe him and im far from naive. But if hes not ready now then when?

I feel feel like we should be on the same page. Im just asking to save money with me. If he cant commit on that small level, something must be wrong. But he says its something to do within himself. He believes but isnt even sure that he has commitment issues, bad family life. I dont mind waiting but what if he turns around in 4 yrs and hes still not ready, meanwhile I have been ready this whole time. Not very fair to me. I respect him for being honest and at we didnt save the money and in 2 yrs find this all out. He wants to be fair to me.

What drives me nuts is that we talk about marriage and kids all the time. Hell even talk about it in front of our families and friends. I dont get it. People who arent ready dont talk about it so freely. He starting crying when I mentioned marrying someone else.

I dont know what to make of all this...I dont want to be with anyone else. But now Im thinking like maybe something is wrong with us and were not meant to be. Do I move on or not?...I have no idea what to do...some advice would really be helpful.

[jj2007]

We havent even yelled at each other.

quote]

 

Do you all usually yell at each other?

 

 

 

I am sorry you are hurting. You are the only one that can decide if you want to move on or not. It is good that he was honest with you. Try to talk to him about say a 5 year plan. Ask him where he sees himself in 5 years. If you both see a possibility of your futures being together, If you want to wait for him to "be ready" then wait. But I would definately discuss with him a time frame and future plans.

 

Good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

You'll have to forgive my cynicism about marriage but it's not all it's cracked up to be. Do yourself a favour and don't be in a rush for it.

 

If someone isn't ready for it, it's best not to pressure them towards it. It's a huge commitment unless you believe in disposable marriages. Even with my marriage, we were both ready for it and it still didn't work out. Imagine what it would be like if one party was reluctant.

[norajane]

He swears to me that he knows he wants to marry me and be the mother of his children.

 

And that he hates himself for doing this to me and not knowing what is wrong with him. But he says its something to do within himself. He believes but isnt even sure that he has commitment issues, bad family life.

 

What drives me nuts is that we talk about marriage and kids all the time. Hell even talk about it in front of our families and friends.

Did you ask him what he thinks he needs in order to BE ready? When he talks about marriage and kids, does he get specific? Like, he talks about what kind of lifestyle he wants to have, where he wants to live, how you would handle money together? Or is it just vague references to 'one day'?

 

Keep in mind that even though, for you, asking him to save money isn't the same as asking him to commit to marriage, to him it is exactly the same thing. He would only agree to the saving money thing if, in his mind, he was ready to make the commitment.

 

He might need more time. He might need some therapy to work through his commitment issues. But he definitely needs to figure out what his issue is.

 

You need to figure out how much time and effort you want to give to this. Maybe if there's been no progress in 6 months in calming his fears, then you might want to walk away. Maybe a year. Maybe never, if you're content to just be with him knowing that he may never be ready.

 

Whatever you do, YOU can start saving money now, for YOURSELF. Money always comes in handy, whether it's for a newlywed couple, or for a single girl putting a down payment on her own condo.

[heartbrkn523]

I really appreciate all ur replies. I know I am the only one who can make this decison, Im just so confused, hurt and angry at the same time.

 

Do you all usually yell at each other?...No we dont, but I feel so angry at times, I want to scream...lol....but thats not the way to handle something like this.

 

And my number one concern is that I dont want to pressure him, and he doesnt feel like I am. Marriage has to be natural, I really dont beleive in forcing someone to buy that ring or giving ultimatatives. So I was thinking to make a time frame to myself and maybe ask him again in a year or so. And if hes still not ready , then I move on, But I dont want to feel like time is ticking, too much pressure, thats not fair to him.

 

Did you ask him what he thinks he needs in order to BE ready? When he talks about marriage and kids, does he get specific? Like, he talks about what kind of lifestyle he wants to have, where he wants to live, how you would handle money together? Or is it just vague references to 'one day'?

 

He says he honestly doesnt know and he is forcing himself to find out definately what his issues are and then from there try to deal with them. He does get very specific, names of children ,how many, where we will live. We talk about how our jobs will work around having kids perfectly, etc. The whole nine. what gives?

 

But this is just incredibily hard and a big shock to me. But I have to move on alone for now. Ill save the money for myself and for a rainy day. And if hes ready soon great, if not I have a huge decision to make.

 

thanks again everyone!