Not Enough Sex in the Marriage--A Woman's Complaint

[sunseed]

My marriage is in a period of serious flux, as it has been since I caught my H compulsively using porn and lying about it more than a year ago. Since then there have been some pretty serious ups, and some pretty serious downs. In good faith he entered therapy for sexual compulsion, which has done a lot for his sense of personal agency, and in due time we got into couple’s therapy. Since June we’ve been working with a woman who frankly rocks, and is really stunning and spot-on with her instincts and approach to us and our problems. Lots of good conversation and mutual vulnerability has resulted, and my H and I are becoming better friends all the time, rather than the mutually injured co-dependents that we were. In brief, there are many reasons to hope, and we love each other. He is not however feeling in love with me, and he hasn’t for a while. (I have little choice but to accept this situation, keep working on us and be patient.)

 

H and I were, as of about March last, in a pretty bad way. He was starting to talk about how he thinks we may not work out. That scared me pretty badly, but I did what I could to hold on and let more petty things go for the sake of us. Then, late May, I discovered I was pregnant.

 

The day I told him, an excruciating series of conversations began in which he said he wanted to break up. Or failing that, terminate the pregnancy and stay together. Then, when I said I wanted to have our baby, he went back to wanting to break up. This saga lasted about two months, and I never wanted to break up. Finally I said, “I’m having this baby, and I’m not going anywhere. You can’t make me choose between my marriage and my child based on nothing more than fear. We have not exhausted all options for staying together, and I never signed on for single motherhood.” He said ok. Since then we’ve both been working hard, he’s started being more frank with me about what he needs to be happy, and he’s apologized for trying to break it off to get himself heard. He’s said he will be there for me in our marriage as best he can, and he will be there for the baby. Our fights, once ugly beyond belief (just shy of physically violent, once upon a time), have largely dropped to a very manageable, calmer level, and he has even identified the origins of his tendency to explode.

 

However, he has told me that he feels “stuck” when it comes to sex. This is because, as he tells it, he feels vulnerable during sex and does not feel safe doing that with me right now. The passion that was there (and I never lost) in the beginning feels artificially cut off right now, and I frequently feel rejected. Since I became pregnant my libido has shot off the charts, and if it were up to me we’d be sexual at least every other day. But he won’t. Or he has in the past month, but it’s been kind of nasty sex, hot but unemotional. I don’t even get that anymore. And he doesn’t like to kiss me, let alone make out, or give me genuine hugs. We cuddle more in bed than we used to, so that’s a start I guess, but I’m missing the sex, am fantasizing more, and am pretty lonely, physically.

 

Does anyone have any experience with sexual compulsion recovery that they could share? Is a period of abstinence common? Or am I just missing something? I know that sexual shame is a part of his formative years, and in some ways I can even relate to it, being female. All the same, I’m pretty hurt and confused. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

[Mr. Lucky]

Boy, your post covers so many major issues that it's almost hard to respond. One thing that stuck out for me was this:

He is not however feeling in love with me, and he hasn’t for a while. (I have little choice but to accept this situation, keep working on us and be patient.)

I surprised your therapist let him get away with that. Love isn't a feeling, it's an action. It's a series of choices we make in regards to our partner every day. We choose to support, to nurture, to protect, to enhance, to listen, to advise, the list is almost endless. I've always thought that "I don't feel in love" was a major cop-out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sarg81]

when i was younger i had a major obsession with porn till i married my W i realized i had a problem after i noticed myself running away from her almost every night to porn

 

when i started to do research i found some classes and attended alone. slowly i moved away from porn and found myself more attracted to my W even more when she got pregnant but it took time

 

this is not something thats going to change in months it takes awhile especially if theres something wrong [FONT=Times New Roman]Subconsciously [/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman]everyone is different but like every addiction from drug to porn they have to want to change i learned that from experience from my obesity and porn to my moms drug habits[/FONT]

[Bobby NoBrains]

Boy, your post covers so many major issues that it's almost hard to respond. One thing that stuck out for me was this:

 

I surprised your therapist let him get away with that. Love isn't a feeling, it's an action. It's a series of choices we make in regards to our partner every day. We choose to support, to nurture, to protect, to enhance, to listen, to advise, the list is almost endless. I've always thought that "I don't feel in love" was a major cop-out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry to take away from the original thread, but I'm really interested to know more about this subject you've touched upon, Mr. Lucky. Would appreciate any more insight into this ...

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[sunseed]

Sarg81, I'm grateful for your response about porn addiction. This was a big problem for us, and it's not solved though I would say it's better. My H doesn't use it anymore, and in fact rarely even masturbates. He is on an anti-depressant to control mild depression, and of course I'm aware that this affects libido. Oddly though he says he's attracted to me, he just doesn't want to be vulnerable. Perhaps he's saying he's attracted to me to spare my feelings and because he expects it will be true again at some point. As for the origins of his issue, I know that he was subject to some sexual teasing and humiliating when he was a boy, and I'm thinking, as our therapist does, that this has contributed to his compulsion and possibly his lack of interest now, as we battle less and communicate more. And there is some family history of addictive behavior as well, but fortunately nothing that had any directly devastating effect on him.

 

Here's what I think really scares me: Before marrying, I had a series of relationships wherein one of us stops wanting sex with the other at some point. It's typically been me saying no. This has often spelled the end of the relationship, just in a very long-form way. In fact I've never gotten re-attracted to someone after losing my sexual interest in them, and the effect has generally worsened as they've tried to get me back into bed by begging, grabbing, and doing things that felt to me like impositions, even when they weren't. And eventually it's over. I fear that this will happen to him! (I have tried to seduce him a few times but to no effect and it's tremendously painful.) The difference between this relationship and the others is that we're married. We have pledged to stay together, and as we go forward here it does look more and more like we WILL actually stay together. But will this be a sexless, passionless union? I'm extra concerned because he recently dropped out of his sexual compulsion therapy group and seems to be hanging his recovery entirely on our marriage counseling, which, I don't know, might be good. We fought a lot last year while he was in group and it didn't seem to be helping him get to the root of the issue, and if it did, he never shared it with me. I can only hope and trust him, I guess...

[marsbars]

Well I will have to say that is a sad state of affairs. But I can sypathise with you and I am a man. My wife of 12 years and I had a tremendous sex life for the first 4 or 5 years and slowly it dropped off to not much at all. But I think that some people just have bad timing. For us it was a morning night problem. She wanted it in the morning when she was rested and I wasn't interested. I wanted it at night and she didn't. I think that timing is every thing. Also feeling pressured can make the desire go away. Plus he may feel uncomfortable cause of his pornography problem. And add to that an antidepressant and you have a bad combo. Just my 2 cents.

[boredmommy]

glad to hear im not the only one going through this...i have no words of wisdom except good luck

[DazedandConfused66]

I've somewhat "latched on" to the comment your H made about feeling "vulnerable" during sex with you. And then later you mentioned he's on anti-depressants.

 

As a MM, I can attest to the effects of certain kinds of anti-depressants. While they do a good job of helping to level out the "lows," they do so mostly at the expense of levelling off the "highs" as well. You can become aroused, you can achieve erections just fine but once you start using it....helllllooooo, nerve endings? Where'd ya go? You may as well be doing it with a strapon attached because you just can't feel anything. And for a man, it's usually game over once you can't feel anything. You get frustrated, performance anxiety can kick in, etc etc etc. I got off my anti-depressants in record time once I realized what was happening and learned to medicate with exercise, diet and spiritual treatments instead. When I spoke to my doc about this side-effect, he just smiled and nodded and told me that they often prescribe the EXACT same medication to men who suffer from premature ejaculation issues because the single biggest impact is that it "deadens sensations" down there. OMG! There are other meds that don't have this side effect by the way.

 

But the fact that he's on anti-depressants in the first place, coupled with his stated feelings of being vulnerable, tells me that there is something in your relationship that is "scary" to him. Men don't do a great job of telling women about our fears. It's just not in our nature. Is he talking to a therapist at all right now? Is he spending time working on his depression other than just dropping a pill every day? If you are making these advances and really trying your best, but he's non-responsive, it's because he's afraid of intimacy with you. This is what he's said, and I'm not one for second-guessing what you are hearing if he said it with sincerity (you have to judge that for yourself). He needs to talk to a counselor, likely by himself first, then maybe both of you together.

 

Sex issues are symptoms of deeper issues in my experience. They've been that way for the wife and I over our 20+ years as a couple and I've talked to enough other couples to know that if "sex" is a problem, the solution almost universally lies elsewhere. Trying to fix "sex issues" by "having sex" doesn't solve it. You have to fix something else, usually communication and non-sexual intimacy, first.

[sunseed]

Thanks, DAC66, and everyone else who has responded. I think you're right about the depression issue, and the problem of personal intimacy as it translates to our sexual intimacy. I would like to see my H back in individual therapy, but he stopped his individual therapy about two months ago. I'm still not sure why, but his story is that he was tired of talking so much about himself. His therapist and his group (for sexual compulsion) all told him they didn't feel he was ready to stop, but as I've said he did anyway. Oddly our personal relationship did begin to improve at that point, as we both focused on our couple's therapy and supporting each other around the baby, who will be here in January.

 

We both agree that we're doing better than we were pre-pregnancy, when bad fights, emotional isolation and verbal abuse were common. None of these happen anymore, though sometimes we still fight--just cleanly and 100% more usefully than in the past. We have more fun, our interactions are lighter, we laugh more and look forward to time spent as a couple. The past two months have been, apart from our first two months dating, I think the best time we've had as a couple and I feel more hopeful than I used to. So why no physical intimacy? Do I simply need to be more patient? Do men in this situation ever come around, or do I have a chilly marriage to look forward to?

 

Here's an interesting thing: he isn't entirely adverse to being sexual with me, but for some reason kissing is a problem for him. He thinks I'm "trying to get something" when I kiss, and most of the time that I ask for a kiss or a hug he protests, then gives a sort of absent hug or a dry peck. As you can imagine, these comments and half-hearted bits of affection hurt. I'm starting to go kind of numb from it really, as it's been going on for months now. Is there something wrong with wanting affection and sexual warmth while we're in therapy? Am I just insecure about us, and looking for reassurance? What could he be waiting for? Moreover, why do I feel like I'm being punished and rejected?