There is hope after an affair

[herenow]

I read about so much pain on this forum from both sides. I'm sure there are many more happy endings than the ones we read about, but I guess most of those people don't feel the need to post here anymore.

 

I don't post as much as I used to, but I do come back when I get a chance to check up on what's going on with the friends I have made.

 

I'm starting this thread for any newly betrayed wives that may come here to seek some answers so that they can fix their marriage. First, if you are trying to understand the OW, you may never find the answer you are looking for. You will definitely get some good insight, but you may find it hard to relate.

 

If you are fortunate enough to be able to keep your marriage alive and make it stronger in spite of what happened, some people will try their best to convince you that you are the fool. They will say that MM only stay with their wives because of the kids, finances or anything other that the fact that he loves you. Fact is, many marriages survive affairs only to find a love that is stronger than ever.

 

I would say that the OW is irrelevant. Don't call her, she is not part of your life. Deal with your husband and his issues. Your marriage is about you and your spouse, the OW has no place being a part of it so don't give her anymore of yourself than you already have. A good MC can help tremendously. Most affairs are not about you or the OW, but truly about what is missing inside the MM. Nothing will get better until he is willing to face and fix his own problems. When that happens, then you can work together to fix your marriage.

 

An affair is the beginning of a road filled with pain, insecurities, questions and fear for all concerned. But in the end, if you are able to work together through this very devastating experience, you will come out of it a better person with a stronger marriage.

[reboot]

Betrayed husbands get no sympathy?

[herenow]

Betrayed husbands get no sympathy?

 

Sorry, of course it goes both ways. It's just that I'm tired of seeing BW's and BH's on this forum get discouraged by people who are too cynical to believe that a wayward spouse can truly be remorseful. There are some WS's that stay and work on the marriage for the simple reason that they love the person they are married to.

 

I truly believe that when a WS loves the person they are having an affair with, they will find a way to be with that person. So, for the ones who stay, things can get better and there is hope for a healthy, successful and loving marriage.

[reboot]

So, for the ones who stay, things can get better and there is hope for a healthy, successful and loving marriage.

 

For purley selfish reasons, I sincerely hope you're right.

[whichwayisup]

There are some WS's that stay and work on the marriage for the simple reason that they love the person they are married to.

 

Many affairs wake up the cheater..They realize what they're about to lose and all the memories, the love and passion come back and THAT is what makes them want to work on the marriage and do their best to work hard, to gain the love, respect and trust again with their spouse.

 

People deserve a second chance - AS LONG AS they're willing to do all that it takes to make things better.

[reboot]

But whatever they do, how do you ever trust them again? And how can you really give them a second chance if you can't figure out how to trust them? Can you really have love without trust?

[herenow]

But whatever they do, how do you ever trust them again? And how can you really give them a second chance if you can't figure out how to trust them? Can you really have love without trust?

 

reboot, it takes time. There is no quick fix. The damage that is done seems so devastating that you feel you will never be the same. Truth is, you don't want it to be the same, you want it to be better. It's not easy and both of you must be willing to dig deep to find the real reasons that the affair happened in the first place.

 

It takes complete honesty about everything, even the things that you and your wife don't want to talk about. Without a 100% commitment to honesty from both of you, there will always be that elephant in the room and doubt in your heart and mind.

 

This is easier said than done and I can't stress enough, it takes time. The trust I have for my H will never be like it was before. I took him for granted and didn't question things that didn't seem right. I will never let that happen again. There are still days that I question him about something that triggers me, and without hesitation, he understands and addresses my concerns. It's only been 1 1/2 years for me and we still have work to do, but I know we are moving forward to a happier life. I wish the same for you.

[reboot]

It's only been 1 1/2 years for me and we still have work to do

2 years here, and the elephant still takes up most of the couch. Thanks for the hopeful words though.

[reboot]

Something I've wondered about, and I hope I'm not taking this thread off topic, but it seems kind of sort of relevant as understanding the OW was mentioned in the original post. Plus no one seems to be posting to what I thought was an interesting topic, so maybe I can spark it.

 

I only recently created an account here, even though I've been lurking and reading posts for quite some time, and it seems there are a fairly equal percentage of BW and OW here, but of the men that post here, there are very, very few OM, almost entirely BH or WH. I wonder what that says?

 

I have an opinion about that, but I'll keep it to myself for the moment.

[OpenBook]

It takes complete honesty about everything, even the things that you and your wife don't want to talk about. Without a 100% commitment to honesty from both of you, there will always be that elephant in the room and doubt in your heart and mind.

 

Horse Manure. The only way you can make it work after an A is if you turn a BLIND EYE to your H's weakness, indiscretion, lack of respect for you, or whatever you want to call it.

 

You BS's are so full of it. You harp on how important honesty is in the M. But when you give advice to others - especially to men - who are cheating, it's "Don't tell her how you feel/what you did with the OW".

 

Whatever gets you thru the day, I guess. Good luck with your CH.

[Woggle]

Horse Manure. The only way you can make it work after an A is if you turn a BLIND EYE to your H's weakness, indiscretion, lack of respect for you, or whatever you want to call it.

 

You BS's are so full of it. You harp on how important honesty is in the M. But when you give advice to others - especially to men - who are cheating, it's "Don't tell her how you feel/what you did with the OW".

 

Whatever gets you thru the day, I guess. Good luck with your CH.

 

I very much agree and this advice can be applied to betrayed men as well.

[sarme]

I agree with Open Book and Woggle. I think people that take back cheaters are settling and that's why they don't come here anymore to post they are busy trying to make some sense of their lives with a cheater. And it seems that those who are here all the time are still looking for answers.

[reboot]

So, an affair is a death sentence to a marriage, always, in your opinions?

[sarme]

Reboot, yes I would agree cheating is a death sentence to a marriage.

 

If you make wedding vows you must intend to keep them. In a marriage that starts off with the normal amount of romance, once it wears off you must make a conscious decision to love your spouse every day and on a regular basis, this is what respecting your vows means. Of course we all get tempted by attractions outside of our union but to cross that line is death to the marriage. If you are unable to approach marriage this way you mustn't be married.

 

I don't believe in this silly attitude that people make mistakes, this is not a mistake that is forgivable in my books if you make a conscious decision to break vows there is no putting them back together again. Unless you are willing to settle like people do who take back a cheating spouses.

 

Giving BSs "hope" that a marriage can survive after an affair is like giving people who are involved in affairs hope that their affair can be sustained for ever, as long as they settle.

[reboot]

I understand your point, and I know how hard it is to try, and how easy it would be to just give up. But I do know of marriages that have survived affairs,

[reboot]

I understand your point, and I know how hard it is to try, and how easy it would be to just give up. But I do know of marriages that have survived affairs, and I've been hardheaded since birth. And personally, I'm not here looking for "hope"; I'm here looking for perspective and knowledge.

 

edit: oops, dunno how that happened, sorry

[Woggle]

Marriages can survive affairs but they have to be rebuilt from the ground up and it is a very long and difficult process. I don't think I would be willing to do it.

[a4a]

I understand your point, and I know how hard it is to try, and how easy it would be to just give up. But I do know of marriages that have survived affairs,

 

IMHO in some cases it is actually harder to walk away.

[reboot]

Woggle,

 

You don't have 20+ years invested in a relationship, so you can't possibly see things from that perspective, but that's ok. I felt exactly like you when I was your age, and I don't necessarily feel all that differently now. But.... the prospect of discarding someone you've shared almost your entire adult life with.... well, some things are easy to say, but not always so easy to do. It's easy to say, "I'd react this way to this situation, always, no doubt, set in concrete", but you really never know till you're actually there.

[sarme]

IMHO in some cases it is actually harder to walk away.

 

 

I agree. I think it is harder to walk away when you fear what's out there and don't have the confidence to start life again. This is why I believe staying is settling. I don't think a person can respect a person who says "ok, I forgive you for stabbing me in the back, you can do the worst imaginable thing to me and I will be here to work through it with you just because I love you" In my books on sided love is not enough to overcome broken trust and broken love. Respect is earned not handed off on a silver platter because of "built history" together. History can start every day again.

[Woggle]

f you think that you have a loving and faithful partner it takes a while to process the fact that they betrayed you in one of the worst ways so I do understamd why it is hard to walk away at first. That being said once a person clears their head I would hope they would realize they deserve more.

[Cobra_X30]

Reboot,

 

You made a really good point earlier. I want to make sure nobody misses this! I have also noticed a distict lack of OM here! It is my feeling that most OM do not go searching for outside points of view. Perhaps its a lack of emotional involvement... I think most of the poeple who come here are hurting and need support. Why would they come here when they don't feel the pain?

[reboot]

IMHO in some cases it is actually harder to walk away.

Yes it is.

[reboot]

Reboot,

 

You made a really good point earlier. I want to make sure nobody misses this! I have also noticed a distict lack of OM here! It is my feeling that most OM do not go searching for outside points of view. Perhaps its a lack of emotional involvement... I think most of the poeple who come here are hurting and need support. Why would they come here when they don't feel the pain?

Obviously, I have a one-sided view of this, but I think OM are, for the most part, just scuzzy bastards that were looking for an easy piece of tail and are more than happy when the marriage doesn't break up and they don't have any further obligation. *Most* of the OW on here (not all, but the majority), no matter how misguided and wrong I personally think their choices were, at least have made an investment with their hearts, and not just with their genitals.

[Woggle]

OM are actually smarter and realize the situation for what it is while OW somehow convince themselves that a cheating dog is their knight in shining armor.