There is hope after an affair

[Tomcat33]

Agreed TonyT. These concepts I have mentioned apply to anyone who stays in a situation that is more harmful than healthy for them. The key is not whether someone stays in a situation that is deemed as right or wrong by society or mass mentality, but rather if the situation is harmful to their well being or if it makes them happy.

 

 

I see in particular in this forum a lot of people who are choosing to stay with a spouse after a betrayal and it is years after the fact and they are suffering trying to make sense of their lives, of their existence of their being and their pain and confusion is so palpable that it makes you realise that to some people another human being means more to them than their own selves.

[Integra]

And please if you can then enlighten me, if the affair that happened in your marriage was not about being mocked, slapped in the face, spat on and treated like dirt what was it about? Are you trying to tell me your case was different that in your case it actually felt good, that is was about love respect and a pure union?

 

Is what I am describing that far fetched? My goodness when I was disillusioned by my ex it felt like someone had ripped my insides out and this was from am man I knew very little, only a year's worth I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be the on the receiving end of that but from a H doing that to me, the man I whom I had children with and whom I thought would be my best friend for eternity?!?!

 

If in your case it felt differently than what I described in my last post then please explain how it was different?

 

Ok. My H had a drunken ONS w/ a girl from work.. In which

he came directly home afterward.. Confessed, cried and puked.

So, no my situation wasn't one of months of lies and and

scandal. Sorry.. And even though in my case it was a one night

one time thing..

My H had become an alcoholic.. He hasn't had a drop to drink

since his ONS.. That was one of the conditions that had to be

met for him to come home. He and I both talked to the OW together,

to let her know without a shadow of doubt, that it was a one time

thing and would never be happening again.

 

Maybe my experience is the rarity. But, I can say. From my

experience all the fears that you are describing did not apply

to me.. To others I can't say.. But not to me. I wasn't afraid

to live w/out my H, I had lived w/out him before.. We had

seperated for a year, three years prior to this.. Again, my

situation just might be a rarity.. I just know what all was

going on in our lives then. And I know what all is going on

in our lives five years later.

 

Oh yeah, he quit that job the day after he confessed.

That was it.. End of his A.. Like I stated in my post

concerning my story... Some probably wouldn't consider

my H's follies and A.. It all lasted less than 5weeks. And

the only reason it lasted that long. Was the OW was out

of town for two weeks after the ONS. So from flirting, to sex

to confession, lasted all of 3 weeks. Is that the norm.. Who

knows, I don't consider any situations of infidelity "the norm".

[Tomcat33]

well then your H didn't have an A did he? he had a none night stand .BIG difference. My comments don't apply to your situation then do they?

your choices are made on one mistake not a whole other life lived behind your back, of a mistake. so you are the exception here like the OW/OM who were lied to that their partners were single, they are the EXCEPTION.

 

My exfiance had the exact same one night stand, so I can relate. I dumped him you had a lot more at stake you were already married, I didn't have to go through with it.

[Integra]

well then your H didn't have an A did he? he had a none night stand .BIG difference. My comments don't apply to your situation then do they?

your choices are made on one mistake not a whole other life lived behind your back, of a mistake. so you are the exception here like the OW/OM who were lied to that their partners were single, they are the EXCEPTION.

 

My exfiance had the exact same one night stand, so I can relate. I dumped him you had a lot more at stake you were already married, I didn't have to go through with it.

 

 

Some would call it an A. Some wouldn't.. I refer to it

as my H's "frelling follies"... But that's me.. Here's where

I come in on the subject of R'ing and all that jazz...

 

I'm 5 years from that.. My 14th anni is just right around the

corner.. The first several years of my M were completely

frelled. Not just because of my H.. It was a glorious mess

due to both of us.. I have learned how to be married

by completely doing everything wrong.. I have learned all

the mistakes that led my H and I to the complete disfunction

that we at one time called a marriage. I have also learned

everything that we (my H and I) have had to go through,

learn and change to make our marriage what it is today..

Believe me, there are many things that I will fully admit

to being totally screwed up in my marriage that led up

to my H's "frelling follies".. But the reason I'm here, is because

I'm willing to admit to those things and share what I have

learned and share what all it takes to make it through a

screwed up marriage, either with or without your partner.

[silktricks]

I see in particular in this forum a lot of people who are choosing to stay with a spouse after a betrayal and it is years after the fact and they are suffering trying to make sense of their lives, of their existence of their being and their pain and confusion is so palpable that it makes you realise that to some people another human being means more to them than their own selves.

 

Hmmmm, it seems to me that most of the postings on the infidelity forum anymore are from OW who want former BS to believe that we are actually suffering and miserable when in reality we're happy and secure. Those of us who'd like people to know that recovery is possible for some couples are drowned out by the OW who want BS to believe that it isn't possible for anyone.

 

Why is that anyway? I've never really understood why a former OW should so badly want a former BS to believe that their recovered marriage is impossible and that we are deluding ourselves. The attitude expressed always stinks of rotten lemons to my nose.

[silktricks]

The point of this thread is to show the recently betrayed that there IS hope when it seems hopeless. But ONLY if they are willing to put in the work. ONLY if BOTH partners are willing to put in the HONESTY and BETTER COMMUNICATION it requires to successfully rebuild a stronger marriage.

 

Of course, we had an OW come to THIS thread and try to claim that the A in and of itself was the BS being spat upon and mocked. Sure the M was disrespected and it hurt like hell, but I wasn't feeling any of the things that were claimed.

 

I never felt that way either. What I felt (after the rage died down) was sad for my husband that he had so lost his way.

 

Fixing our marriage was hard work for sure, but my husband and I were talking about it just this morning and we both said it has been the most worthwhile and most rewarding work that we've ever done.

[Tomcat33]

I never felt that way either. What I felt (after the rage died down) was sad for my husband that he had so lost his way.

 

Fixing our marriage was hard work for sure, but my husband and I were talking about it just this morning and we both said it has been the most worthwhile and most rewarding work that we've ever done.

 

 

you never felt like you were kicked in the teeth? WOW maybe that explains why some people can stay in a rel. after they are betrayed and others can't. I can see your choice then.

[NoIDidn't]

TC, what part of it hurt like hell did you not understand? You chose to give it a physical representation that I didn't feel suited my reaction. I said what I felt. Must I define my feelings in a way that better suits you? Are you not able to be disagreed with respectfully? I'll give you a break as soon as you take one.

 

It hurt, but I didn't feel like I was mocked. If I did, I would have left. Mocking a person is cruel. I was in immense pain, but I didn't feel treated like dirt. I felt betrayed.

 

This is my last statement to explain MY feelings on this to you. I didn't get any of my plans with my H thwarted because he wanted to talk on the phone to his OW. He fit talking to her into a time that I didn't interfere with to begin with - when he was at work. I wasn't being given empty promises of a future together. I wasn't being led by a carrot on a stick. Sure, I was in the dark about exactly what was being done at work, but I wasn't being treated like dirt. I felt emotional distance, more than usual, coming between us. There was no whole other life being lived under my nose. An A that doesn't even last three months is hardly "a whole 'nother life".

 

So, like I said before, the situations that you list do not fit most of us in this thread. I am sure that your outlandish claims may fit some of the stories told on the other forum, but not mine. Not Integra's. Probably not even HereNow's either. I believe that you are the one that feels used, taken for a ride, and treated like dirt. Your attempts at making me doubt my H and M are for naught.

 

And for the record, I don't know why YOU are here (on this thread), considering we are talking about the possibility of rebuilding a marriage considering you aren't in one as either a spouse or an OW. You have nothing positive to add to this thread. Only attempting to spread doubt. Its very transparent and sad. I am sure that you will attack me after this, so flame on. But I know that I have been respectful to and of you and your opinions - simply telling you that your cookie cutter logic does not fit and is not helpful for the topic of this thread. Please take your thread jack elsewhere.

[silktricks]

some people who are in the fog for so long after an A struggling with the choice they made and paralized by their own choice makes little sense to me? Why? why would anyone choose to live in agony,

 

Fine you want to try and see if you can salvage a marriage after the A fine try it but when it becomes this long drawn out battle to keep your head above the water, why? what for? who is worth more than our well being, another person ie a partner that life put in our paths by fluke? not even our own blood, it was some random person who we grew to love. And all this pain and suffering for them? That just makes no sense to me. sorry.

 

The entire point of this thread is that it is NOT necessary to live in agony, and it is NOT a "long drawn out battle to keep your head above water". Those statements are what you (for some unknown reason) want to believe. They hold no truth for the former BS's who have posted on this thread. Full honest to God recovery is possible. It is possible to have not only a good marriage, but a great marriage after infidelity. The point is (and has been repeated often) that it takes work, and it takes work from BOTH parties.

 

I find that a lot of BSs that are post affair 3 4 6 years who post that they are still feeling lost and confused and living the pain trying to cope, I ask why? why do that to yourself?

You only find that because you choose to believe that. It's not what we are saying, it's what YOU are saying about us.

 

I wonder what would happen if instead of being needy some of the BS who desperately want to make the marriage work after they are betrayed simply stepped away stayed away for a while and seen what they felt and saw.

See, there you go, accusing a former BS of being needy. There is a huge chasm between need and love. I love my husband, but I am not needy. I have been told by many people that I am an exceptionally strong woman, and that is the truth, I am. I see the light and I feel very sorry for someone who has never experienced the depth of love that I carry. I hope everyone can experience it, as it is life changing.

 

I wonder what would happen if instead of grasping to a messed up rel with dear life as some BS do after D-day, if the BS had enough strenght to walk away? Would they gain some clarity? Could they see things a little differently? Could they have a little more faith in themselves to start over again with someone who deserves them?

Many former BS do that. And it is often the best choice. It is NOT however, either the only choice or even the best choice for everyone. So, I repeat again, the point of this thread is that a marriage CAN work, CAN be fixed after infidelity. It is a choice, and a good choice for the people who think the marriage is worth the work.

 

I make no bones about it, it's hard work to really honestly forgive, and work must be done by both people if the marriage is to survive.

[silktricks]

you never felt like you were kicked in the teeth? WOW maybe that explains why some people can stay in a rel. after they are betrayed and others can't. I can see your choice then.

 

I never felt I was spat upon nor mocked. I know very well that my husband didn't laugh about me with the other woman. As NID said, I felt distance from him, but I had created much of the distance in the first place, so really couldn't fault him for creating more. Well, of course, I could have faulted him, but the reality is that the problems we had belonged to both of us. What he chose to do with the problems was pitifully sad, but it was sad because even more than he betrayed me, he betrayed himself and his own standards.

 

I really don't care if you understand my choices, as they are my choices and have zero to do with you. Just as your choices have zero to do with me, and I'm certain that you wouldn't care at all what my opinions are about those choices.

 

I do find the fact that you insist on writing on this thread sad and shallow. You do not seem to be trying to help anyone, but only wish to spread seeds of doubt to the people who least need to feel more.

[Integra]

Wow.. This thread sure has become

filled with bitterness and anger..

And for this to be a thread about BSs,

Well, let just say the majority of the

bitterness isn't coming from them..

 

I believe that this thread was started,

to allow those of us who have experienced

the painful, difficult, life changing task

of rebuilding a long-term marriage

after infidelity to share the why and

how of how we and our H/Ws accomplished it.

 

This thread is about HOPE.. NOT, about telling

fresh BSs, or not so fresh, that they are needy,

afraid, have low self-esteem, and all the other

trlpe that is being tossed around here.

 

This thread is for sharing some LOVE and HOPE..

For sharing how those of us who have

reconciled long-term marriages after an infidelity

made it through.. This thread is to share

our knowledge and our experiences in.. wait

for it.. Reconciling a long term-marriage after

an infidelity... To share how not only can a

marriage survive and infidelity but that if

both partners want it, you can even have

a better marriage..

 

Wow, just wow..

[Integra]

I am sticking to my guns. Once a marriage has been betrayed by infidelity, there is no possibility of a "happily ever after." It takes some serious denial and ignoring/hiding the truth in order to continue the M after a betrayal like that.

 

 

This, well, you're a little backwards here.

If the two people in the marriage want it to

get better it can and will. Not by denial and

hiding the truth. NOPE sorry.. To survive

and make a marriage better.. BOTH partners

to to take stock in some cold, painful, honest

TRUTHS.. Not run from them.. There it is..

You can't hide from the truth.. Once both

partners are being completely honest with

each other about every bad thing in their

marriage, not just the infidelity, but everything,

then and only then can they start to rebuild

a marriage.

 

If you really want to rebuild a marriage, you can't

hide from any truths, no matter how painful,

ugly, heart wrenching, and generally frelled up

as they can be. If the two people, it doesn't

matter if it's the BS or the WS can not or do

not want to do this.. Then no, the marriage can't

be rebuilt and they need to call it a day.

[silktricks]

Well, let me kneel and bow down before you, O Seer Of Light. You are so obviously the best judge of who has and who has not experienced the life-changing depth of love that you carry.

ah yes, the other twister of what is said into what you want to believe. U have no idea who has andwho has not experienced true love. I only say that I hope everyone can, and that it is life changing.

 

 

The seeds of doubt were planted by you and your H. No one else. Don't blame Tomcat for the weeds that sprouted.

 

no weeds in my life. Maybe your focus is off, and you shoul be investigating your own!

Sorry NID. Not your call. Anyone can post on any thread in any forum. And I am sticking to my guns. Once a marriage has been betrayed by infidelity, there is no possibility of a "happily ever after." It takes some serious denial and ignoring/hiding the truth in order to continue the M after a betrayal like that.

How can you live with yourself and your own negativity?

[NoIDidn't]

And for this to be a thread about BSs,

Well, let just say the majority of the

bitterness isn't coming from them..

 

Just curious, Integra. Who, besides TC has displayed any bitterness on this thread? I am more annoyed with her posts, but not angry.

 

But you are right. This was a very nice thread minus the intrusions by the people that are more interested in seeing a M fail because they were in an A that didn't give them their "happily ever after".

 

Getting back to the topic of this thread, and taking going back to the brutal truth that we entered into the thread....Betrayal is not limited to sexual or emotional fidelity (as in not falling for or having sex with someone of the opposite sex). Many of us betrayed our vows in one form or another. I for one did not cherish my H, but it was out of the resentment that I felt in feeling that he also wasn't cherishing me. Sure, he had a problem with the "forsaking all others" concerning a woman, but that wasn't the only way that vow broken. He put his career and his hobbies before our M. I became resentful and spiteful. But I can acknowledge that.

 

After my emotions settled down following the discovery and final ending of the EA, I was able to go to my H and tell him that while I hated that he chose that way to deal with our problems (and some of his), I was sorry for becoming so unapproachable and not really listening in the times that he did muster up the courage to let his guard down and tell me what he really needed. I was so focused on what *I* wanted from HIM. I didn't care much about what he may have needed from me. I got so tired of being taken for granted that I started to take what he actually *did* do for granted too.

 

No marriage finds itself in that position overnight. We both had some much to do with the state of our M. No other woman can ever claim that she almost took my H. All she can say is that I was pushing him away - and not even to her. So in that way, she was irrelevant. I could not focus on the betrayal if I wanted to reconcile with my H. That's why TC's constant comments about how much it hurt have nothing to do with reconciling. That's why she is so off in her assertions. If I had continued to allow myself to be distracted from my goal of a healed and healthier marriage by concentrating on the hurt that I felt, reconcilliation would not have been possible. If he had continued to count my past actions against me, reconcilliation would not have been possible.

 

In order to rebuild our M, we could not focus on what was. We had to focus on what we wanted it to be. What you focus on is what you get. That's where bitterness comes from. Being angry is so far from being bitter. Bitterness only comes from holding on to anger, from focusing so intently on how we have been wronged instead of moving to acceptance. I had to accept what I was and what he was. I had to accept the many things that happened in my M, including the infidelity. He had to accept the same. If those things did not happen, we could not be where we are today.

 

So, yeah, I was hurt. Yeah, I spent many a night crying when I found out that I was betrayed. But it seems so far away now. I have not forgotten. But I don't feel the hurt that I used to feel. He has more than made it up to me. I have more than made up my past transgressions to him. We love each other.

 

The best things that we have been told since our families knew of his *indiscretion* (as the old folks call it), is that they would not have known that we have ever experienced such. People are shocked when he admits to it or when I share it with them. I no longer feel shame that I was betrayed.

 

I feel like I have "over" shared, but maybe it will help someone that's reading but not posting.

[Tony]

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