There is hope after an affair

[reboot]

Woggle,

 

She must have been some work of art to make you so bitter so young.

[Woggle]

Woggle,

 

She must have been some work of art to make you so bitter so young.

It's reality not bitterness.

[reboot]

It's your reality.

[Cobra_X30]

Woggle,

 

You don't have 20+ years invested in a relationship, so you can't possibly see things from that perspective, but that's ok. I felt exactly like you when I was your age, and I don't necessarily feel all that differently now. But.... the prospect of discarding someone you've shared almost your entire adult life with.... well, some things are easy to say, but not always so easy to do. It's easy to say, "I'd react this way to this situation, always, no doubt, set in concrete", but you really never know till you're actually there.

 

20+ years just makes the betrayal all that much worse. If a woman wont stand by me when the chips are down... Why would I want that?

 

Here is the difference in my opinion! I dont need anyone, I am a complete person and I can take care of myself. I have no fear of bieng alone.

 

Cheating... thats like throwing down the gauntlet to me. Love over! Time to throw down the guantlett!

[Cobra_X30]

Obviously, I have a one-sided view of this, but I think OM are, for the most part, just scuzzy bastards that were looking for an easy piece of tail and are more than happy when the marriage doesn't break up and they don't have any further obligation. *Most* of the OW on here (not all, but the majority), no matter how misguided and wrong I personally think their choices were, at least have made an investment with their hearts, and not just with their genitals.

 

Remember that nobody likes to see themselves as a bad person! Women tend to delude themselves into thinking that it "just happens", like its something that cannot be controlled. Watch a movie and you will see what I mean. This whole idea of fated love is so prevalent its crazy.

 

Now OM only rarely delude themselves into thinking they have no control. They tend to tell themselves that the affair is something that they deserve! Big difference there. It becomes a selfish ego boost. Plus guys tend to be VERY competative... and often the idea of hitting it with some other guys wife is appealing... because now your the winner!

[reboot]

20+ years just makes the betrayal all that much worse. If a woman wont stand by me when the chips are down... Why would I want that?

 

Here is the difference in my opinion! I dont need anyone, I am a complete person and I can take care of myself. I have no fear of bieng alone.

 

Cheating... thats like throwing down the gauntlet to me. Love over! Time to throw down the guantlett!

Some people are really good at making assumptions.

 

I am also a complete person. I was on my own at a very young age (17) and was forced to learn how to take care of myself. I don't *need* a woman. I can cook and clean and wash clothes as good as any woman. I function just fine alone, I always have. Not to brag, but I make very good money, so even in the event of a divorce that went badly for me (and odds are that wouldn't happen), I would be fine financially. This is not about fear at all.

 

Grownups eventually learn that not everything is black and white.... there is a lot of gray out there.

[herenow]

I am not surprised that people have come to this thread with words of discouragement. This is exactly what I was referring to in my post.

 

Some people can't accept that a marriage can be stronger after an affair. Yes, it takes time and a commitment from both spouses. Yes, it is painful, but if the WS is truly remorseful and willing to take responsibility for their actions and do what it takes to find and fix what is missing in both themselves and the marriage, it can be better than ever.

 

Everyone has their own choice to make when it comes their situation. I can only speak from my experience. My first reaction was to immediately get a divorce. I'm glad I listened to my therapist and gave it some time. I'm happy that I gave my H a second chance. I have never said to anyone including my H that they should hold back any information about the affair. If he had not told me the whole truth, as painful as it was to hear, we would not have been able to make it this far.

 

Again, I'm not at all surpstised that some people find the need to come to a supportive thread and claim that there is no way a marriage can truly survive. Well, you can believe me or not, but my marriage is stronger and healthier that is ever was. I'm happier and healthier than ever. It's amazing when you realize how much stress there is when you live with lies. My H agrees that life is so much better when you have nothing to hide and nothing to fear.

 

When there is true love, you will find a way. That also applies when a MM loves an OW, they will find a way to be together. That is human nature.

[sarme]

IMHO in some cases it is actually harder to walk away.

 

20+ years just makes the betrayal all that much worse. If a woman wont stand by me when the chips are down... Why would I want that?

 

Here is the difference in my opinion! I dont need anyone, I am a complete person and I can take care of myself. I have no fear of bieng alone.

 

Cheating... thats like throwing down the gauntlet to me. Love over! Time to throw down the guantlett!

 

 

I agree with every single thing you said, only I am a woman so I would say the same about a man

 

It so true 20 yrs would make it THAT much worse, if after all that time your partner decides to go off with someone else that would make even less sense to me after everything that is shared throughout a lifetime to do that 20 yrs in, what a slap in the face.

 

granted I can see where Reboot is coming from, I guess it must be scary to think of starting life again after so many years. But if you believe in yourself you can start life again any day.

 

also there are many couples that have gotten together very young that is all they know, some of us in our thirties and twenties today come from a different generation we are more used to independent life. We had full lives on our own and knew we could do it on our own before we decided to settle down. But some of the older couples are the other way around they only know life with their partners and living life alone must be a scary thought.

 

I guess I speak for myself and the people in my generation, there is no excuse for settling for a cheater when we have a whole life ahead of us to start again. I'm with Cobra and Woggle, too much work to live a life trying to forgive and gain trust back when you can have a fresh start with someone new. I figure if a marriage gets to the point of infidelity things must be stale anyway so why try to resucitate that and on top of the work of everything that brought you to the point of the affair deal with all the baggage of the added pain of affair itself.

 

no thanks life's too short for that.

[a4a]

I am not surprised that people have come to this thread with words of discouragement. This is exactly what I was referring to in my post.

 

Some people can't accept that a marriage can be stronger after an affair. Yes, it takes time and a commitment from both spouses. Yes, it is painful, but if the WS is truly remorseful and willing to take responsibility for their actions and do what it takes to find and fix what is missing in both themselves and the marriage, it can be better than ever.

 

Everyone has their own choice to make when it comes their situation. I can only speak from my experience. My first reaction was to immediately get a divorce. I'm glad I listened to my therapist and gave it some time. I'm happy that I gave my H a second chance. I have never said to anyone including my H that they should hold back any information about the affair. If he had not told me the whole truth, as painful as it was to hear, we would not have been able to make it this far.

 

Again, I'm not at all surpstised that some people find the need to come to a supportive thread and claim that there is no way a marriage can truly survive. Well, you can believe me or not, but my marriage is stronger and healthier that is ever was. I'm happier and healthier than ever. It's amazing when you realize how much stress there is when you live with lies. My H agrees that life is so much better when you have nothing to hide and nothing to fear.

When there is true love, you will find a way. That also applies when a MM loves an OW, they will find a way to be together. That is human nature.

 

 

In bold above.... I find that odd that should be a new thing in a M. Are you saying the A caused you both to stop hiding things?

 

As for true love - love has many meanings but I don't think love includes betrayl or deceit. Or for that matter friendship - betrayl and deceit don't apply there either, but it is ok with love? Just does not compute in my mind.

 

Perhaps your H is finally in love with you now?

 

Not being rude here I just cannot buy into the "true love" theory when supposedly it is "true love" before and during the affair.

[Cobra_X30]

Some people are really good at making assumptions.

 

I am also a complete person. I was on my own at a very young age (17) and was forced to learn how to take care of myself. I don't *need* a woman. I can cook and clean and wash clothes as good as any woman. I function just fine alone, I always have. Not to brag, but I make very good money, so even in the event of a divorce that went badly for me (and odds are that wouldn't happen), I would be fine financially. This is not about fear at all.

 

Grownups eventually learn that not everything is black and white.... there is a lot of gray out there.

 

Assumptions? Explain how your situation is different?

 

I'm going to tell you right now that just because you can perform tasks... does not make you a complete person! However if you say that you are... I am not going to take you at face value.

 

Grownups learn to take responsibilty and hold others accountable! Some things are black and white... Do you think love is gray?

 

BTW... I typed that so fast I totally messed up the ending! LOL...

[herenow]

I always thought that I would never forgive such a betrayal. I lived in that black and white, right or wrong world. But, when it really happened, I seized the opportunity to make it better. I gave it that chance, and it worked.

 

I could have stuck to my guns and moved on, but I made the decision that my marriage was worth the work. Actually, I should say that "we" made the decision. How sad would it have been to just give up because I was unwilling to try?

[Cobra_X30]

Again, I'm not at all surpstised that some people find the need to come to a supportive thread and claim that there is no way a marriage can truly survive. Well, you can believe me or not, but my marriage is stronger and healthier that is ever was. I'm happier and healthier than ever. It's amazing when you realize how much stress there is when you live with lies. My H agrees that life is so much better when you have nothing to hide and nothing to fear.

 

I'm not going to tell you your wrong to stay and try to work it out. Everyone's situation is different and we are all simply human in the end. I believe you that your marriage is stronger now than before!

 

Answer me this! How much blame do you place on the OW vs your H? How much of the blame for this situation do you place on yourself?

[herenow]

In bold above.... I find that odd that should be a new thing in a M. Are you saying the A caused you both to stop hiding things?

 

As for true love - love has many meanings but I don't think love includes betrayal or deceit. Or for that matter friendship - betrayal and deceit don't apply there either, but it is ok with love? Just does not compute in my mind.

 

Perhaps your H is finally in love with you now?

 

Not being rude here I just cannot buy into the "true love" theory when supposedly it is "true love" before and during the affair.

 

Yes, it is a new thing in our marriage. My H had issues that had never been dealt with until now. He has never been able to be completely honest with anyone because he couldn't be honest with himself. This has been a huge change in all of ours lives. Things came out in therapy that have explained what he was missing and why. That is why I say that an affair is not about the W or the OW, but mostly about the MM (or MW) and his or her issues.

[a4a]

I always thought that I would never forgive such a betrayal. I lived in that black and white, right or wrong world. But, when it really happened, I seized the opportunity to make it better. I gave it that chance, and it worked.

 

I could have stuck to my guns and moved on, but I made the decision that my marriage was worth the work. Actually, I should say that "we" made the decision. How sad would it have been to just give up because I was unwilling to try?

 

Not sure in your case but I see many people stay where they should not because they will miss the person they thought they had/wish they had in their life. -perception is a funny thing.

 

To each their own. And good for you.

 

I don't believe I could ever trust a person who betrayed me that much. I don't think I would even want to bother. If just a friend lied, decieved, and harmed me that much, including putting my health at risk.... forgiving would not serve me.

 

I don't see the saddness at all if a spouse leaves because of betrayl. Then again my views on M are likely different. I am not held to the ideals of M in a biblical sense.

[sarme]

Again, I'm not at all surpstised that some people find the need to come to a supportive thread and claim that there is no way a marriage can truly survive. Well, you can believe me or not, but my marriage is stronger and healthier that is ever was. I'm happier and healthier than ever. It's amazing when you realize how much stress there is when you live with lies. My H agrees that life is so much better when you have nothing to hide and nothing to fear.

 

When there is true love, you will find a way. That also applies when a MM loves an OW, they will find a way to be together. That is human nature.

 

 

Not trying to be mean or rude here but shouldn't the "having nothing to hide" thing be what a marriage is founded on? Isn't that what makes you want to build a future together and spend the rest of your life with someone? The idea that the love you feel for one another makes want to be nothing but completely honest with one another. You want what is best for each other?

I just find it kind of sad that it would take an affair to realise you need to be completely honest with one another in order to be happy.

[herenow]

I'm not going to tell you your wrong to stay and try to work it out. Everyone's situation is different and we are all simply human in the end. I believe you that your marriage is stronger now than before!

 

Answer me this! How much blame do you place on the OW vs your H? How much of the blame for this situation do you place on yourself?

 

I blame my H for his actions, I don't blame the OW at all, she is insignificant (I have said this numerous times). I have never seen or spoken with her.

 

If you have read my past posts, you would see that I have always accepted responsibility in the problems in our marriage. I admit that I took my H for granted. I admit that with the responsibilities of a family, career, home, etc, my marriage got put on the back burner, and I take my share of the blame for that.

 

As far as My H, he takes full responsibility for his action. He has never blamed me or the OW.

[silktricks]

That is why I say that an affair is not about the W or the OW, but mostly about the MM (or MW) and his or her issues.

 

I agree with this whole-heartedly. An affair is a choice that is made by the married partner. The OW/M and BS played their parts, but the fact that an affair occurred has most to do with the issues of the MP and their ineffectual way of dealing with them.

[a4a]

But here you are still thinking about it.

 

Does your H live with so much baggage as well from the A?

[reboot]

I also never thought I could forgive it. Truth be told, I haven't. I may never be able to. I'm trying, but if eventually find that I can't, then it will be over.

 

Cobra and a4a both mention "differences" between us, between our generations. Well here's a difference for you to think about. Both of you mention going out and finding someone else. Well, I'm not at all interested in "finding someone new". I don't need a woman to complete my life, not at this point in it (and don't get the wrong impression, I'm in my late 40s, I'm not a senior citizen, and most of my parts still work). If we split up, I'll be quite happy to spend the rest of my life without a woman. I've never "needed" one; I didn't marry this one because I "needed" her.

 

So you see, I have nothing to lose, and no time frame I feel forced to work in. If we can fix it, that's great, I intended to spend the rest of my life with her anyway. If we can't, then that's life. I probably can't be hurt any worse than I already have been.

 

So while I appreciate and understand your opinions, and quite frankly agree with some of them, you have to realize that what you believe doesn't work for everyone. My philosophy in life, if I even have one, is that we all go through this life alone, and we all have to walk our own path and do the best we can to be happy doing it.

[a4a]

must be some confusion? .......... 40 is just around the corner for me.

 

YEEE HAW!

 

and I agree with your philosphy Reboot..... that is how I live.

 

It is difficult to have harmony and balance in your life if part of it is festering with gangrene.

 

Nor would it be fair in my view to continue a M or R with a person I could not trust and held resentment against no matter how well I could hide it.

[herenow]

But here you are still thinking about it.

 

Does your H live with so much baggage as well from the A?

 

Actually, i came here so that I could get some insight into the OW. I made the decision to not call her, but because I'm human, I still had my curiosities about how the OW thinks and feels.

 

I posted like crazy when this first happen, I dont post as much anymore, because the need to understand the OW is gone. I come here sometimes because there are a few people that I like to stay in touch with. This post was to encourage people who feel that they can save their marriage.

 

As far as my H. He is in a lifetime recovery program and he has been able to let go of years of baggage, not only from the affair.

[Cobra_X30]

I blame my H for his actions, I don't blame the OW at all, she is insignificant (I have said this numerous times). I have never seen or spoken with her.

 

If you have read my past posts, you would see that I have always accepted responsibility in the problems in our marriage. I admit that I took my H for granted. I admit that with the responsibilities of a family, career, home, etc, my marriage got put on the back burner, and I take my share of the blame for that.

 

As far as My H, he takes full responsibility for his action. He has never blamed me or the OW.

 

Ok, so I'm not going to blow you up for trying to make your M work! In my opinion your choice takes strength. Of course it takes a different kind of strength to walk away! Both choices also display an inherent weakness. So, in many ways it just depends on who you are as a person.

 

As for me... I come from a completely different perspective... that is why our views on this are so opposite.

[herenow]

Ok, so I'm not going to blow you up for trying to make your M work! In my opinion your choice takes strength. Of course it takes a different kind of strength to walk away! Both choices also display an inherent weakness. So, in many ways it just depends on who you are as a person.

 

As for me... I come from a completely different perspective... that is why our views on this are so opposite.

 

But I did walk away. I kicked him out the night I found out. I got a lawyer the next morning and started the divorce papers.

 

I had made an appointment with therapist so that we could discuss how to best deal with the kids, and she asked me to wait a while before filing for divorce. We continued to go to therapy and that is how we began to heal.

[reboot]

As for me... I come from a completely different perspective... that is why our views on this are so opposite.

And as long as we agree that neither of these views are wrong, even though different, then we're on the same side of the fence.

[herenow]

And as long as we agree that neither of these views are wrong, even though different, then we're on the same side of the fence.

 

Absolutely, everyone makes choices that work for them. For those who come to this thread and say "no way", there may be no way for them, but there may be hope for others. That is the point of this thread.