There is hope after an affair

[herenow]

I agree with every single thing you said, only I am a woman so I would say the same about a man

 

It so true 20 yrs would make it THAT much worse, if after all that time your partner decides to go off with someone else that would make even less sense to me after everything that is shared throughout a lifetime to do that 20 yrs in, what a slap in the face.

 

granted I can see where Reboot is coming from, I guess it must be scary to think of starting life again after so many years. But if you believe in yourself you can start life again any day.

 

also there are many couples that have gotten together very young that is all they know, some of us in our thirties and twenties today come from a different generation we are more used to independent life. We had full lives on our own and knew we could do it on our own before we decided to settle down. But some of the older couples are the other way around they only know life with their partners and living life alone must be a scary thought.

 

I guess I speak for myself and the people in my generation, there is no excuse for settling for a cheater when we have a whole life ahead of us to start again. I'm with Cobra and Woggle, too much work to live a life trying to forgive and gain trust back when you can have a fresh start with someone new. I figure if a marriage gets to the point of infidelity things must be stale anyway so why try to resucitate that and on top of the work of everything that brought you to the point of the affair deal with all the baggage of the added pain of affair itself.

 

no thanks life's too short for that.

 

What would you tell a woman who came to this forum saying that she had a affair, but she now realizes how much she loves her H and doesn't want to lose him?

[Cobra_X30]

And as long as we agree that neither of these views are wrong, even though different, then we're on the same side of the fence.

 

I'm not going to say your wrong!

 

You are a BS, it is very different when you have to bear the failures of your parents. I'm Ok now... but I was bent up for years. My sister is wrecked... forever!

 

I think you may be across the fence and in a different yard!

[herenow]

I'm not going to say your wrong!

 

You are a BS, it is very different when you have to bear the failures of your parents. I'm Ok now... but I was bent up for years. My sister is wrecked... forever!

 

I think you may be across the fence and in a different yard!

 

Ok Cobra, what would you tell someone who came here for advice that had an affair, but realizes that he or she made a mistake, loves their spouse and wants to fix their marriage?

[reboot]

I think you may be across the fence and in a different yard!

We're not in a different yard. I had to bear both their failure, and then their loss. I can't let that define who I am now though.

[sarme]

What would you tell a woman who came to this forum saying that she had a affair, but she now realizes how much she loves her H and doesn't want to lose him?

 

 

I would ask her why it took falling in love with someone else to realise how much they actually "loved" the person they promised in front of god, family and friends to love and charish until death do them part.

 

When we decide to marry it means we are done looking around, we are done comparing people and relationships, it means we found the preson that fits the mold as close to perfect as we can hope for. So much so that we want to spend the rest of our lives with them. People change, I can appreciate that, but life is a series of conscious efforts that we make in order to grow and progress. When you make the conscious effort to go outside of the promise you made to our partner and to yourself just to get a taste of what else is there, it means you are questioning if what you did was indeed right. How can anyone take back a person who questions such an important life altering decision like marriage.

 

I suppose some people just take marriage lightly. some people marry becauese it is the next step on the list of things to do. Well even if that is why you married you must honour your choice because you no longer live just for yourself, you now life for another adult and children too.

[silktricks]

Not trying to be mean or rude here but shouldn't the "having nothing to hide" thing be what a marriage is founded on? Isn't that what makes you want to build a future together and spend the rest of your life with someone? The idea that the love you feel for one another makes want to be nothing but completely honest with one another. You want what is best for each other?

I just find it kind of sad that it would take an affair to realise you need to be completely honest with one another in order to be happy.

It is sad, but it is also normal. People who have been married for a long time can start to keep little secrets from one another. It starts semi-innocently and usually begins with helping out the kids in one form or another - especially in merged families. Then it progresses to not wanting to deal with an issue which is usually camouflaged by "not wanting to hurt your partner's feelings", then it starts to become a habit and pretty soon the couple is just not communicating anymore about much of anything.

 

It is sad. It is also common. That's why an affair is often not something that destroys a marriage. The couple usually didn't lose their love for one another so much as they lost sight of each other. The affair brings back their sight.

 

It is difficult to recover from an affair, there is no doubt of that. But it can be done without

The only way you can make it work after an A is if you turn a BLIND EYE to your H's weakness, indiscretion, lack of respect for you, or whatever you want to call it.

 

I never turn a BLIND EYE to my H's actions. I saw the pain that he went through over what he did, and it was intense pain. He saw the pain that I went through because of what he did and because of what I did. I know without a particle of a doubt that my husband will NEVER again do anything even close to what he did before. We've worked on our problems, but even more important, my husband had his eyes opened regarding some of his issues. Ones he didn't even know he had.

 

I'm glad HN started this thread because BS need hope that their marriages really can recover and be better than they were prior to the A. There are far too many negative comments made regarding recovery from a betrayal and far too few positive messages of hope for true lasting recovery. But that recovery takes a lot of work on the part of both the betrayor and the betrayed. As HN has always said, the OW/M is not part of the equation. Concentrating on her/him is a waste of time and energy that is far better spent elsewhere.

 

Reboot, have hope for the future. It can be a very very good future. It's been 3+ years for me and my H and we're in good shape. Neither of us let things go. We deal with anything that strikes a chord the instant it comes up. We spend time talking and spend a lot of time having fun. The most important thing IMO is to let the past go. It cannot be changed. Neither of you can go back and undo anything. For me, that was an extremely difficult step because I tend to be an "if only" kind of person. What my husband did was because of his issues and what I did was because of my issues. I'm sure that's true for you and your spouse as well. Work on your issues and work on your marriages issues. Everything can be not just fine, but great.

[herenow]

I would ask her why it took falling in love with someone else to realise how much they actually "loved" the person they promised in front of god, family and friends to love and charish until death do them part.

 

When we decide to marry it means we are done looking around, we are done comparing people and relationships, it means we found the preson that fits the mold as close to perfect as we can hope for. So much so that we want to spend the rest of our lives with them. People change, I can appreciate that, but life is a series of conscious efforts that we make in order to grow and progress. When you make the conscious effort to go outside of the promise you made to our partner and to yourself just to get a taste of what else is there, it means you are questioning if what you did was indeed right. How can anyone take back a person who questions such an important life altering decision like marriage.

 

I suppose some people just take marriage lightly. some people marry becauese it is the next step on the list of things to do. Well even if that is why you married you must honour your choice because you no longer live just for yourself, you now life for another adult and children too.

 

First, who said anything about falling in love with someoe else. I said the woman had an affair. There is a big difference between an affair and falling in love. As for the rest, well that is your opinion and I respect that.

 

Fact it, I also questioned my choice in marring my H. I didn't have an affair, but I did have my doubts. Are you saying that I should have just left him because I wasn't 100% sure? Now, those doubts are gone because we found and fix the issues that caused the doubt. Unfortunately, my H made the huge mistake of having an affair and that made it so much harder to fix the problems.

 

Even the best marriages have ups and down. Should we always give up whenever we have doubts? I would miss out on so much of life if I always gave in to every doubt I had.

[Cobra_X30]

Ok Cobra, what would you tell someone who came here for advice that had an affair, but realizes that he or she made a mistake, loves their spouse and wants to fix their marriage?

 

I would tell them that love means sometimes you have to give up your selfishness, and place the needs of someone else before your own. That there are some actions that you can never truely take back! That if they want to make things right, you need to be prepared to spend from now to eternity providing more than 110% with no expectation of returns.

 

As a BS would you settle for less?

[silktricks]

Nor would it be fair in my view to continue a M or R with a person I could not trust and held resentment against no matter how well I could hide it.

 

It wouldn't be fair to either yourself or you partner. If trust cannot be regained and resentment released then it is far better for both to separate than to continue to live together just to make things "work".

[herenow]

I would tell them that love means sometimes you have to give up your selfishness, and place the needs of someone else before your own. That there are some actions that you can never truely take back! That if they want to make things right, you need to be prepared to spend from now to eternity providing more than 110% with no expectation of returns.

 

As a BS would you settle for less?

 

No I wouldn't.

 

I also know that I wouldn't ignore any problem when it arises. As much of a shock as d-day was for me, I can now look back and see that there were signs. I'm aware of the problems that were there even before the affair, and if I ever see them again, we will address it immediately so that we never end up in that place again.

 

We have both learned from our mistakes.

[Cobra_X30]

We're not in a different yard. I had to bear both their failure, and then their loss. I can't let that define who I am now though.

 

Yes we can not let these things define us, however it does indeed color our perception!

 

I've survived, and I am stronger. That friend is rare. How many others are broken like my sister? I can forgive... but I am not fool enough to forget!

[herenow]

It wouldn't be fair to either yourself or you partner. If trust cannot be regained and resentment released then it is far better for both to separate than to continue to live together just to make things "work".

 

I agree, that would be no way to live.

[silktricks]

It's also important to remember that EVERYONE makes mistakes, and yes an affair IS a mistake. Let's not pretend it's something either less or greater than it is. Some mistakes are huge and some are small. An affair is up towards the huge end of the stick.

 

The BS also has made mistakes, maybe some that have affected the MP almost as badly as an affair would have. It depends upon the person and the situation.

 

The point is that the person who made the mistake must also know that at some point they are no longer "the person who had an affair". They must know that at some point they have been forgiven, that life is life and life is going on. No one can be expected to live in the doghouse forever. They shouldn't have to.

[herenow]

Yes we can not let these things define us, however it does indeed color our perception!

 

I've survived, and I am stronger. That friend is rare. How many others are broken like my sister? I can forgive... but I am not fool enough to forget!

 

I think it's a mistake to forget the things in our past that cause us pain. If we forget, there is always that risk that we will also forget the pain and wind up back in it.

[Cobra_X30]

No I wouldn't.

 

I also know that I wouldn't ignore any problem when it arises. As much of a shock as d-day was for me, I can now look back and see that there were signs. I'm aware of the problems that were there even before the affair, and if I ever see them again, we will address it immediately so that we never end up in that place again.

 

We have both learned from our mistakes.

 

So you share the blame for not stopping him? When those problems first arose... he came to you and you did not try to fix the situation?

[sarme]

First, who said anything about falling in love with someoe else. I said the woman had an affair. There is a big difference between an affair and falling in love. As for the rest, well that is your opinion and I respect that.

 

Fact it, I also questioned my choice in marring my H. I didn't have an affair, but I did have my doubts. Are you saying that I should have just left him because I wasn't 100% sure? Now, those doubts are gone because we found and fix the issues that caused the doubt. Unfortunately, my H made the huge mistake of having an affair and that made it so much harder to fix the problems.

 

Even the best marriages have ups and down. Should we always give up whenever we have doubts? I would miss out on so much of life if I always gave in to every doubt I had.

 

 

If I look around here alone, a lot of affairs do feel love. You can't speak for every affair because of your case alone. I'm not sure how long your H was with his mistress but you neve know really what he truly felt for her, that in itself should be torture enough to live with. To live with that doubt alone would take an immense amount of self dicipline to shut out and put to rest.

 

I don't doubt that the best marriages have ups and downs, that's life, ups and downs. Making a concious choice to have an affair is not about life's "ups and downs" it is about letting your selfishness get the best of you. You make it sounds so non-challant, "oh life has good and bad, ups and downs" it sounds like you grew to take this affair lightly and accept that "oh well **** happens" I don't know, I don't think I could be so trivial about it but I do respect that you have your own choices and you do what is best for you and I am certainly not anyone to tell you what is best for you.

 

 

I'm sorry not to sound harsh but I also meant to comment on the fact you say now a days you come here to see how your old friends are doing? If you are friends why don't you email each other instead of looking for each other on an infidelity site? sorry but that sounds like an excuse. It doesn't sound like you are over the whole affair thing which is why you are still here. And that's fine I wish you could just admit that instead of pretending like you lived happily ever after and affairs mean no harm and make you and your marriage stronger.

 

How happy exactly are you today? I don't mean disrespect it's just something doesn't add up with your new found happiness. IMO

[herenow]

Everyone is different and can only make choices based on their own experience. This is a supportive thread and in a perfect world, there would be no controversy here, but since this is such a volatile subject that harms everyone involved, there will always be different opinions.

 

Just know that recovery is possible no matter what anyone says, but only if it's the right thing for both spouses and both are willing to be committed to change for the better.

[herenow]

So you share the blame for not stopping him? When those problems first arose... he came to you and you did not try to fix the situation?

 

No, he did not come to me. He found his fix in another woman. Had he come to me in the first place, we could have dealt with it, but he didn't. That is his cross to bear.

 

I didn't not cause the affair, but I do take my share of the responsibility for the problems we had in our marriage, I do not take any responsibility for his choice in having an affair!

[herenow]

If I look around here alone, a lot of affairs do feel love. You can't speak for every affair because of your case alone. I'm not sure how long your H was with his mistress but you neve know really what he truly felt for her, that in itself should be torture enough to live with. To live with that doubt alone would take an immense amount of self dicipline to shut out and put to rest.

 

I don't doubt that the best marriages have ups and downs, that's life, ups and downs. Making a concious choice to have an affair is not about life's "ups and downs" it is about letting your selfishness get the best of you. You make it sounds so non-challant, "oh life has good and bad, ups and downs" it sounds like you grew to take this affair lightly and accept that "oh well **** happens" I don't know, I don't think I could be so trivial about it but I do respect that you have your own choices and you do what is best for you and I am certainly not anyone to tell you what is best for you.

 

 

I'm sorry not to sound harsh but I also meant to comment on the fact you say now a days you come here to see how your old friends are doing? If you are friends why don't you email each other instead of looking for each other on an infidelity site? sorry but that sounds like an excuse. It doesn't sound like you are over the whole affair thing which is why you are still here. And that's fine I wish you could just admit that instead of pretending like you lived happily ever after and affairs mean no harm and make you and your marriage stronger.

 

How happy exactly are you today? I don't mean disrespect it's just something doesn't add up with your new found happiness. IMO

 

I'm very happy, but you don't have to believe it. I'm not so insecure that I feel I have to prove to you that I'm happy. The point of this thread was to give some hope to those in my situation.

 

The things you say here don't reflect what I have said, I feel affairs cause harm to everyone involved. I think they cause devastating pain. Go back, read my posts. I don't take this lightly. I do think there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take what you want from my posts, that is your prerogative. I hope that someone else may get something positive from what I have shared.

[herenow]

I'm sorry not to sound harsh but I also meant to comment on the fact you say now a days you come here to see how your old friends are doing? If you are friends why don't you email each other instead of looking for each other on an infidelity site? sorry but that sounds like an excuse. It doesn't sound like you are over the whole affair thing which is why you are still here. And that's fine I wish you could just admit that instead of pretending like you lived happily ever after and affairs mean no harm and make you and your marriage stronger.

 

Sorry, I didn't address this, I do PM people here. Many who I have helped and they have helped me as well. I don't feel the need to give or get email addresses, but if there is anyone here that would prefer an email please PM me your email address and I will contact you that way. No problem.

[Cobra_X30]

No, he did not come to me. He found his fix in another woman. Had he come to me in the first place, we could have dealt with it, but he didn't. That is his cross to bear.

 

I didn't not cause the affair, but I do take my share of the responsibility for the problems we had in our marriage, I do not take any responsibility for his choice in having an affair!

 

So he chose not to communicate. He chose to find someone else. He created the situation by failing to come to you with the issues, then decided the fix to the situation would be found in another woman?

 

Is that truely his cross? Are you not bearing that cross as well?

 

I make no bones about this issue. You were stabbed in the heart... the wound will heal... the scars will remain!

[sarme]

I'm very happy, but you don't have to believe it. I'm not so insecure that I feel I have to prove to you that I'm happy. The point of this thread was to give some hope to those in my situation.

 

Oh because you did say you come around here to check up on old friends and all...seems odd to me you would not use email to communicate with "old friends".

 

I want to belive you are happy but I guess I am having a hard time with it.

Could be my own preconcieved notions...

 

In my opinion people who come here to share their experience with overcoming a problem, do have something to prove an do need reassurance. Again that is just my opinion.

[reboot]

If I look around here alone, a lot of affairs do feel love.

I think a lot of times this love is one-sided. And I think you see a lot of very confused OW/OM trying to deal with that.

 

Did the OM in my case think there was love? If so he got shocked too, because she dropped him like a hot rock. She never even told him what happened. And I say this with about 99.9% certainty. I got smart early on. I monitor our computers. I check the numbers on her cell, incoming and outgoing (it's in my name). I can listen to her voice mail and read her email (she doesn't know all this). He left her 3 voicemails after d-day. She later told me about all 3 of them. And I know she told the truth because I'd already listened to them. The first was mild curiosity, the second was confusion and questions, the last one was anger and ultimatums.

 

She never responded to any of them. Where's the love in that?

[herenow]

So he chose not to communicate. He chose to find someone else. He created the situation by failing to come to you with the issues, then decided the fix to the situation would be found in another woman?

 

Is that truely his cross? Are you not bearing that cross as well?

 

I make no bones about this issue. You were stabbed in the heart... the wound will heal... the scars will remain!

 

Reality is the fix was us to both of us. The other woman was a bandaid. Comments like this would have done a job on my self esteem a year ago, but I'm in a different place now so I can only say that everyone is different. If a person can't find it in themselves to be able to move forward, then yes, the marriage should end and both people should move on. I'm happy that we were able to come out of this with a stronger marriage. It's my life, you can't believe or not, that's your choice.

[herenow]

Oh because you did say you come around here to check up on old friends and all...seems odd to me you would not use email to communicate with "old friends".

 

I want to belive you are happy but I guess I am having a hard time with it.

Could be my own preconcieved notions...

 

In my opinion people who come here to share their experience with overcoming a problem, do have something to prove an do need reassurance. Again that is just my opinion.

 

 

That's your opinion, I'm fine with that. Like I said, this post was to encourage others. Hopefully it has helped someone.