There is hope after an affair

[a4a]

I think a lot of times this love is one-sided. And I think you see a lot of very confused OW/OM trying to deal with that.

 

Did the OM in my case think there was love? If so he got shocked too, because she dropped him like a hot rock. She never even told him what happened. And I say this with about 99.9% certainty. I got smart early on. I monitor our computers. I check the numbers on her cell, incoming and outgoing (it's in my name). I can listen to her voice mail and read her email (she doesn't know all this). He left her 3 voicemails after d-day. She later told me about all 3 of them. And I know she told the truth because I'd already listened to them. The first was mild curiosity, the second was confusion and questions, the last one was anger and ultimatums.

 

She never responded to any of them. Where's the love in that?

 

Not so shocking that she did this to him as she treated you the same..... where was the love for you while she was with him?

[herenow]

I think a lot of times this love is one-sided. And I think you see a lot of very confused OW/OM trying to deal with that.

 

Did the OM in my case think there was love? If so he got shocked too, because she dropped him like a hot rock. She never even told him what happened. And I say this with about 99.9% certainty. I got smart early on. I monitor our computers. I check the numbers on her cell, incoming and outgoing (it's in my name). I can listen to her voice mail and read her email (she doesn't know all this). He left her 3 voicemails after d-day. She later told me about all 3 of them. And I know she told the truth because I'd already listened to them. The first was mild curiosity, the second was confusion and questions, the last one was anger and ultimatums.

 

She never responded to any of them. Where's the love in that?

 

Reboot, I too checked records of everything only to find that my H was telling the truth. I read the emails, text messages, etc. I heard her voice mails complaining about why she says she loves him and he won't say it back. I heard her complain about many things and how she wanted more of him. I kept looking and listening trying to find something else, but then it began to wear on me and I had to let it go. It was then that I was able to move forward.

[herenow]

Not so shocking that she did this to him as she treated you the same..... where was the love for you while she was with him?

 

I not sure a person who cheats is in love with anyone at the time. Most people who cheat have issues about how they feel about themselves. If you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else?

 

I have a lunch meeting, so I have to go.

 

Reboot, PM me if you want to talk later.

[reboot]

Not so shocking that she did this to him as she treated you the same..... where was the love for you while she was with him?

Well obviously.

 

But that's the part she and I have to work out. I was responding to a different question and just using that as an example. Affairs aren't always about love, they're often about "needs". The WS isn't necessarily looking for love. Sometimes they just make a really, really bad choice as far as filling their needs.

 

Don't take me the wrong way, I'm not making excuses for them. I'm just trying to be logical and honest here.

[Cobra_X30]

Reality is the fix was us to both of us. The other woman was a bandaid. Comments like this would have done a job on my self esteem a year ago, but I'm in a different place now so I can only say that everyone is different. If a person can't find it in themselves to be able to move forward, then yes, the marriage should end and both people should move on. I'm happy that we were able to come out of this with a stronger marriage. It's my life, you can't believe or not, that's your choice.

 

Hmmm... You think I am trying to hurt you? To convince you that your choice was wrong? No, that is not my desire!

 

You have a strength that I dont have.... do you think I can't respect that?

 

My thoughts are that your marriage is stronger in many ways, but weaker in others. You already know this! When someone comes here looking for perspective and assisstance... take the situations individually! There is no universal hope for all BS's.

[reboot]

There is no universal hope for all BS's.

There is no universal hope for any of us no matter what our status. We just get by the best we can and try to find a little happiness along the way. 100 years from now no one will care anyway.

[a4a]

Well obviously.

 

But that's the part she and I have to work out. I was responding to a different question and just using that as an example. Affairs aren't always about love, they're often about "needs". The WS isn't necessarily looking for love. Sometimes they just make a really, really bad choice as far as filling their needs.

 

Don't take me the wrong way, I'm not making excuses for them. I'm just trying to be logical and honest here.

 

If you want to be logical it is good to heed the advice given to OW/OM that the MM/MW who cheats on their spouse will just as likely cheat on you.....

 

two way street.

 

A person who makes a choice to cheat and simply dump a "lover" is not of good character either. She treated him no differently than you.

 

 

Many of my needs are not met - I clearly state this and they continue to go unmet. However, I would not cheat to have those needs met. I am not touting I am a saint/ a better person, but my choice not to cheat is a concious one.

 

So to cheat must also be a concious choice - it does not just happen.

 

I accidently had an affair to meet my unmet needs...... No..... that is not logical nor honest.

[silktricks]

Reboot, I too checked records of everything only to find that my H was telling the truth. I read the emails, text messages, etc. I heard her voice mails complaining about why she says she loves him and he won't say it back. I heard her complain about many things and how she wanted more of him. I kept looking and listening trying to find something else, but then it began to wear on me and I had to let it go. It was then that I was able to move forward.

 

It's my opinion that if you don't check up on things, then you'll never really be able to heal - simply because you'll be taking everything on "blind faith" instead of concrete evidence. When all of the checking checks out - that's when you can start to realize that what you are being told now (as opposed to when the affair was ongoing) is the truth. The truth really does begin to set you free. Finding the final freedom depends on your ability to be able to forgive, though, and some people simply can't do that. Those who cannot should let go so that both people can get on with their lives.

[silktricks]

My thoughts are that your marriage is stronger in many ways, but weaker in others. You already know this!

I know this is addressed to HN, but since our circumstances are similar, I'm going to answer as well...

 

I don't believe my marriage is weaker now. I believe that my husband and I both took a terrible beating before, during and immediately after the affair. We had a few very very bad years. But through the healing process we healed not only the items that led to the affair but also a number of other issues that we both had tried to ignore in our lives. I would say that not only is our marriage stronger in EVERY way, but so is each of us individually.

 

 

When someone comes here looking for perspective and assisstance... take the situations individually! There is no universal hope for all BS's.

 

There is no universal hope for anyone. The problem is that any BS who comes to LS is bombarded with gloom and doom. Recovery is not easy and not for everyone, but it is doable. And success is possible. It was gutsy of HN to start this thread, as she couldn't help but be aware of the fact that many simply do not want to believe that recovery is possible (for whatever reason )

 

I don't know all of HN's reason for continuing to post on LS. I do know my reasons. LS helped me out in a lot of ways. There were some people here who were unbelievably helpful and generous with their public and private help. I like to think that in some small measure I can carry that help on to the "next generation" of LSers. LS also gives me some interplay with people that I do not get in my "real life" and I enjoy that. So it's not a matter of not having a good marriage or a matter of dealing with on-going pain, it's more of wanting a venue that has interaction with an interesting cross section of people.

[Cobra_X30]

There is no universal hope for any of us no matter what our status. We just get by the best we can and try to find a little happiness along the way. 100 years from now no one will care anyway.

 

Are you just getting by? Are you just looking for a little happiness?

 

I've done a little thinking since we started here! The difference seems to be in details.

 

To me the scales MUST balance! This means that there needs to be a dead reckoning. If my SO does not begin to address the imbalance immediately, with a full and remoreseful heart, Then I will take the action required to bring this about!

 

Understand that we may do as we like with our lives... but in the end we must all pay the piper for our choices! Its called consequences!

[sarme]

I think a lot of times this love is one-sided. And I think you see a lot of very confused OW/OM trying to deal with that.

 

Did the OM in my case think there was love? If so he got shocked too, because she dropped him like a hot rock. She never even told him what happened. And I say this with about 99.9% certainty. I got smart early on. I monitor our computers. I check the numbers on her cell, incoming and outgoing (it's in my name). I can listen to her voice mail and read her email (she doesn't know all this). He left her 3 voicemails after d-day. She later told me about all 3 of them. And I know she told the truth because I'd already listened to them. The first was mild curiosity, the second was confusion and questions, the last one was anger and ultimatums.

 

She never responded to any of them. Where's the love in that?

 

Again, I will say the same thing to you as I did to Herenow, you cannot view all affairs to be exactly as your situation. In your two instances there may very well have not been love. But like someone else said to drop someone like a hot potato they sought out to be with romantically when the going get tough, is not a respecatable traight to have either, no more respectable than reaching out to a stranger for love, sex or fullfilment of needs (whichever it may be) while being married because of life's "ups and downs". Marriage is an agreement, if you break a contact you are no longer boung to that contract. In the business world there is less tollerance for that, but when it comes to the matters of the heart some people will tollerate that.

 

I have been reading quite a few threads on this forum and the OW/O< forum of the cheaters that come on here speaking of what they felt for their other people and it seems for some it was about love. when I see that it makes me wonder how a person that really loved their partner would fall in love with someone else?

 

Also, to say that there is hope for betrayed spouses everywhere is like taking one successful marriage that started off as an affair and saying "There is hope for cheaters and other people everywhere" I just don't think it is something that can be used as a blanket knowlege for every case out there.

 

HN But I do appreciate your reaching out to show that it can be done, that is good to know.

[silktricks]

I accidently had an affair to meet my unmet needs...... No..... that is not logical nor honest.

 

Of course not. An affair is not an accident, but an affair can certainly be a mistake . And dumping a person with whom one has made a mistake - particularly a bad mistake - is certainly not abnormal.

 

It's a given that a person who has an affair has issues, usually some pretty big issues, and avoidance is at least one of those issues. Because someone has an affair does not necessarily mean - in fact does not even imply that they are in love with their affair partner. Quite often they are not. They are using that person. Do they know they are? Sometimes they know it even when the affair is going on. Sometimes they don't know it until they've been smacked in the face with the knowledge that they are going to lose everything that really DOES have meaning for them.

 

People who have affairs are not people who deal with interpersonal relationships very well. They are not necessarily BAD people, though. It's good that you are not a person who does that.

 

Since I've had a few fairly messed up experiences in my life that I've caused, maybe I have a more forgiving attitude towards people, I don't know. I know that I wouldn't forgive my husband if he did it again, but I'm glad that I forgave him. I have no 2nd thoughts or regrets about having done so.

[sarme]

People who have affairs are not people who deal with interpersonal relationships very well. They are not necessarily BAD people, though. It's good that you are not a person who does that.

 

.

 

Can you please explain this, not sure what you mean by that?

[silktricks]

A person who has an affair is almost always doing so to avoid directly addressing problems in the marriage. That inability to directly address problems is usually not limited to only marital issues, and extends into other areas of their life.

 

They do not handle interpersonal relationships well. That's the reason (IMO) that you often see the "if he does it to her, he'll do it to you" syndrome. It's not that they are evil people and out to mess up as many women/men as they can, they just don't deal well with working out problems but prefer avoidance.

[Cobra_X30]

I know this is addressed to HN, but since our circumstances are similar, I'm going to answer as well...

 

I don't believe my marriage is weaker now. I believe that my husband and I both took a terrible beating before, during and immediately after the affair. We had a few very very bad years. But through the healing process we healed not only the items that led to the affair but also a number of other issues that we both had tried to ignore in our lives. I would say that not only is our marriage stronger in EVERY way, but so is each of us individually.

 

Is it truely a choice between doom gloom and false sunshine? No I think most who come here get in your face facts! WWIU, NJ, LJ, James, and fifty others will hit you with the truth of your situation. Smash through the walls of your own perception, with insight and wisdom. Nobody needs sunshine up the bum in a situation like that! The truth is that life preserver for a BS while drowing in a sea of lies!

 

Stronger in every way? Perhaps.

 

Trust? When someone treats you in this way... devalues you as a person and as a spouse... That never just goes away. You think this does nothing to your family as a whole? I'm sorry but there are some things you cannot take back... and to me that creates pain and weakness!

[reboot]

hahahahaha.

 

Exactly as herenow predicted in the opening post.

[silktricks]

Is it truely a choice between doom gloom and false sunshine? No I think most who come here get in your face facts! WWIU, NJ, LJ, James, and fifty others will hit you with the truth of your situation. Smash through the walls of your own perception, with insight and wisdom. Nobody needs sunshine up the bum in a situation like that! The truth is that life preserver for a BS while drowing in a sea of lies!

I don't think that letting a BS (especially a new BS) know that recovery is possible is false sunshine. It's a reality. I don't intend to imply that recovery is assured or even possible for everyone. It is possible though, as HN, I and others can attest

 

Stronger in every way? Perhaps.

Tis for me :)

 

Trust? When someone treats you in this way... devalues you as a person and as a spouse... That never just goes away. You think this does nothing to your family as a whole? I'm sorry but there are some things you cannot take back... and to me that creates pain and weakness!

No it does not "just go away". Recovering from anything takes work. If you break your arm it doesn't just get well, you have to first nurse it very carefully until it begins to heal, and then you work with it to strengthen your arm.

 

As far as doing something to my family as a whole? Well our kids were all grown and gone. They never knew that anything had happened, and they never will.

 

There are things you can never take back - like everything. Once something is done it cannot be undone. I cannot undo the things that I did which made my husband question my love. He cannot undo the things that he did either. Can we both leave those things in the past, forgive both each other and ourselves? Yes, we can. Everyone can't, and for those people who cannot then they cannot.

 

That doesn't mean that I am somehow better because I can, because it doesn't mean that at all. It only means that in this particular situation in my life I have been able to forgive and I'm glad of that. I'm not a bleeding heart "let me give you my heart so you can stomp on it" kind of person. I do not forgive easily. In fact, I don't give myself any credit at all for being able to do so in this instance. My husband was willing to do whatever it took to enable forgiveness and that was not easy, because I was not easy on him.

[Cobra_X30]

As far as doing something to my family as a whole? Well our kids were all grown and gone. They never knew that anything had happened, and they never will.

 

That doesn't mean that I am somehow better because I can, because it doesn't mean that at all. It only means that in this particular situation in my life I have been able to forgive and I'm glad of that. I'm not a bleeding heart "let me give you my heart so you can stomp on it" kind of person. I do not forgive easily. In fact, I don't give myself any credit at all for being able to do so in this instance. My husband was willing to do whatever it took to enable forgiveness and that was not easy, because I was not easy on him.

 

It's probably for the best that you keep your children out of this. It's tough that you cannot be honest with them in all things... but I strongly agree with your choice in this!

 

Well, you have clear eyes and an open heart! Your H is a lucky man!

[reboot]

I don't see why it's so important to some of these people to be right about this. If you are that person that can't forgive, then kick the WS to the curb. I have no problem with that. It was my initial reaction too. I also have no problem with someone that wants to try to salvage the relationship. It's a personal choice. Why are you all so vehement about it? Why are you trying to convince people that seem to have indeed turned the corner that they can't possibly be happy about it, even though they know they are?

[Cobra_X30]

I don't see why it's so important to some of these people to be right about this. If you are that person that can't forgive, then kick the WS to the curb. I have no problem with that. It was my initial reaction too. I also have no problem with someone that wants to try to salvage the relationship. It's a personal choice. Why are you all so vehement about it? Why are you trying to convince people that seem to have indeed turned the corner that they can't possibly be happy about it, even though they know they are?

 

Are you referencing me? Don't be a fool. I respect your choice to stay and work it out! Why? Because by listening to your replies it sounds like you did this for good reasons! So many BS's stay for the wrong reason.

 

Do not fear other opinions in this matter! You should be strong enough that my opinion does not bother you or shake the faith you have in your choice!

[reboot]

Are you referencing me? Don't be a fool. I respect your choice to stay and work it out! Why? Because by listening to your replies it sounds like you did this for good reasons! So many BS's stay for the wrong reason.

 

Do not fear other opinions in this matter! You should be strong enough that my opinion does not bother you or shake the faith you have in your choice!

I wasn't actually referring to you, even though you are basically on the same side of the fence as the ones I was referring to.

 

But no matter. I'm way too hardheaded to care what someone else thinks about the choices I make.

 

I don't fear your opinion, I actually mostly agree with your opinion. I just chose to follow a different path. It's all good.

[Cobra_X30]

I wasn't actually referring to you, even though you are basically on the same side of the fence as the ones I was referring to.

 

But no matter. I'm way too hardheaded to care what someone else thinks about the choices I make.

 

I don't fear your opinion, I actually mostly agree with your opinion. I just chose to follow a different path. It's all good.

 

I have not been there... so I dont truely know which way I would go!

 

Shoot, I could forgive, Move On, or I could even be one of those guys on the 6' O'Clock news! I do have a 45' and a shovel!

 

I will cross that bridge if or when I come to it!

[sarme]

I don't see why it's so important to some of these people to be right about this. If you are that person that can't forgive, then kick the WS to the curb. I have no problem with that. It was my initial reaction too. I also have no problem with someone that wants to try to salvage the relationship. It's a personal choice. Why are you all so vehement about it? Why are you trying to convince people that seem to have indeed turned the corner that they can't possibly be happy about it, even though they know they are?

 

 

Ohh I don't know..why is it so important for you to ask some many questions and expect an answer?

why are you trying to convince me that what is posted here is to be taken at face value and that's that?

[reboot]

Ohh I don't know..why is it so important for you to ask some many questions and expect an answer?

why are you trying to convince me that what is posted here is to be taken at face value and that's that?

I haven't asked any questions. I don't expect any answers. Nor have I tried to convince you of anything.

[sarme]

I haven't asked any questions. I don't expect any answers. Nor have I tried to convince you of anything.

 

 

Why are you all so vehement about it? Why are you trying to convince people that seem to have indeed turned the corner that they can't possibly be happy about it, even though they know they are?

 

Those all look like questions to me.