There is hope after an affair

[silktricks]

So many BS's stay for the wrong reason.

 

Now really, how can you decide what is the right or wrong reason for another person. Each person has their own life to live and their own reasons for making choices. To pretend that there is some overweaning right or wrong reason for making a choice is a little too judgemental doncha think?

[silktricks]

Why are you trying to convince people that seem to have indeed turned the corner that they can't possibly be happy about it, even though they know they are?

 

There are some people who just think that their choice is the only correct choice, and they can't believe that a different person could feel differently. Mostly that seems to be the opinion of people who are either very young or very religious. It just so happens that I'm neither .

[herenow]

I haven't asked any questions. I don't expect any answers. Nor have I tried to convince you of anything.

 

 

reboot, I'm back, but I only have a few minutes before I pick up the kids. What I have found here on LS and probably anywhere there are discussions like this, people will read into your comment whatever fits their own reality. I do the same thing because mine is the only reality I know. I can't possibly know why someone could take this post as anything more than encouragement to people who have decided to stay together and work on their marriage. That was my intent, but somehow I'm told that I'm not really happy.

 

I'm sure in the reality of the person who said that, it makes perfect sense. I don't know that person and I can't tell you why they feel that way, but they do, and to them my reality seems improbable. What can I do about it? Nothing! I can only hope that someone will read this and be able to see the different perceptions. Then, when they are told on some thread that there is no way their marriage will survive, they will remember this post.

 

Yes, every situation is different and I'm sure many marriages fail after an affair. I glad that I can share a success story.

[OpenBook]

My philosophy in life, if I even have one, is that we all go through this life alone, and we all have to walk our own path and do the best we can to be happy doing it.

 

Reboot, my mouth dropped when I read this. I agree with you... but I'm single. I wonder if other married people besides you feel this "aloneness." I thought this was the reason why a lot of people get married - so they DON'T have to go through life alone. Am I wrong?

[OpenBook]

I agree with this whole-heartedly. An affair is a choice that is made by the married partner. The OW/M and BS played their parts, but the fact that an affair occurred has most to do with the issues of the MP and their ineffectual way of dealing with them.

 

Horse Manure. An affair is a reaction to the CS's dissatisfaction with the M. And in a M, it takes two to tango.

[OpenBook]

Actually, i came here so that I could get some insight into the OW. I made the decision to not call her, but because I'm human, I still had my curiosities about how the OW thinks and feels.

 

I thought you said she was insignificant.

[silktricks]

I can't possibly know why someone could take this post as anything more than encouragement to people who have decided to stay together and work on their marriage. That was my intent, but somehow I'm told that I'm not really happy.

 

I glad that I can share a success story.

Since there often seems to be a desire here to speak only in the negative, I'm also glad that I can say there can be happiness after exiting the tunnel of pain.

[OpenBook]

As HN has always said, the OW/M is not part of the equation. Concentrating on her/him is a waste of time and energy that is far better spent elsewhere.

 

Then why did she join LS specifically to do research on OW? Y'all are starting to contradict yourselves.

[herenow]

I thought you said she was insignificant.

 

You conveniently left off the next part of that quote where it said that the need to know anything about the OW was gone. If you think you are trying to catch me in a contradiction so that you can prove a point, no problem go for it.

 

I still say that the OW is insignificant. Did I think so on d-day? Certainly not, but I saw very quickly while in MC and with help from this site, that my time was better spent on my H and my marriage than trying to understand something (the OW) that really doesn't matter in the end.

[silktricks]

Then why did she join LS specifically to do research on OW? Y'all are starting to contradict yourselves.

 

I cannot answer for hn, nor do I intend to try. What I can say is for myself. Once a couple has decided to work on their marriage, spending time and effort worrying about her specifically is not time well spent. She Is extraneous to the couple. What needs to be worked on is the marriage and the 2 people in that marriage, not the op.

 

That said, the reason I personally joined la didn't have anything to do with'my' particular op. In my idiocy I actually thought that if someone who was in affair could just understand the pain that a BS suffers that there was no way they could continue. I've realized a lot about people here. A lot of it was pretty difficult for me. It's been an education though!

[herenow]

Then why did she join LS specifically to do research on OW? Y'all are starting to contradict yourselves.

 

And your point is?

 

Not that it matters to you, and I don't know why it should, but I'm in a very different place now than when I first came to LS.

 

This post is for people who are where I was when I first came here. My advice to them (if they are working on their marriage) is to focus on the person that they married and that the other person is truly insignificant. Hoping that others can gain some insight from my experience.

 

Many OW come here and complain that we BW blame them for what their H's do. Here I am agreeing with you. The blame should be placed on the person that betrayed them. Do you have a problem with that?

[OpenBook]

It's a given that a person who has an affair has issues, usually some pretty big issues, and avoidance is at least one of those issues.

 

Yeah, I'd say that your H had a HUGE issue - YOU, when you walked out that door. He wasn't the one with the avoidance problem. YOU were.

 

People who have affairs are not people who deal with interpersonal relationships very well.

 

Oh, so your H doesn't "deal with interpersonal relationships very well"? Sounds like a big problem to me.

 

I know that I wouldn't forgive my husband if he did it again, but I'm glad that I forgave him. I have no 2nd thoughts or regrets about having done so.

 

Silky you are too much. YOU forgave HIM? What about him forgiving YOU for abandoning him?

[Cobra_X30]

Now really, how can you decide what is the right or wrong reason for another person. Each person has their own life to live and their own reasons for making choices. To pretend that there is some overweaning right or wrong reason for making a choice is a little too judgemental doncha think?

 

Yes there is such a thing as a wrong reason, and Yes I know how to tell the difference. Not all things in life are relative, thus we need good judgement. That is something not everyone has!

 

But... Silk, I'm glad your happy!

[NoIDidn't]

What a sad thread!!! HN I applaud you for your efforts in trying to offer encouragement. I started a thread like this a while back and it got absolutely no responses. I'm kinda glad now.

 

Its really sad that some people have no concept of the partnership that is involved in marriage. There are folks that have a hard time on their jobs for periods of time and won't quit, but give less thought to their marriages and other interpersonal relationships. Its a shame.

 

A newly hurting BS doesn't need to hear how hopeless the situation is from the person who was in the role of the OP. They need to hear about THEMSELVES. About how they can recover with or without their betrayer. About how they can learn and grow from this situation whether they stay or they leave. About how what doesn't kill them makes them stronger.

 

That's what I learned. I learned that while the A wasn't my doing or my choice, I could grow. I could be stronger. I could go on. I learned that not only did I NOT need to concentrate on the OP, I also didn't need to concentrate on my H. I can't control his actions or even his inaction. But I can control ME. So now I accept that I can't control others. I can't make them believe as I believe. I can't make them act the way that I prefer. Isn't that what the person having the A is trying to get anyway? A person that acts the way that they prefer?

 

BSs, male and female, the A is survivable for YOU. While it is good to work on the marriage, work on it with an eye on what YOU need from it now. That is what will make or break a recovery.

[OpenBook]

And your point is?

 

My point is, you're blowing sunshine up our skirts. If you were truly happy after your H's affair, you wouldn't still be here on LS, spending so much time "sharing your story". You're trying too hard to prove it. And I'm not buying it. It's a nice, tidy little way to create your own "bubble" of reality that has nothing to do with the truth. But I can't say I blame you. I don't know what better tool to use than DENIAL, in order to convince yourself to stay with someone who betrayed you so completely.

[herenow]

There have been over 800 views on this thread. If even one person got some encouragement knowing that it does get better and there is hope if both of you are willing to make positive changes, then my time has been well spent.

 

I have one last thing to add. It's really important to look deep inside and find what the true problems are and fix them

 

For example: My H is a "high functioning alcoholic" (I won't bore you with the details, you can look it up if you need to). This is something he never realized and because he was very "high functioning" it was never apparent to me. He didn't even drink that much, but he still fits the description. Cheating was the next step in his addiction. This is not an excuse, it's the problem. The affair is what sent us to MC, but it's not what we eventually discovered needed to happen.

 

My H needed to make a life change. He is very successful and he dealt with his stress in a very destructive manner. He now has healthier ways to deal with his issues and together we have built a stronger bond. This a lifelong commitment he has made to himself.

 

He didn't make the changes for me or the kids, but for himself. Had he made them for me, there could have been future resentment and I didn't want that. I say this because if you want your marriage to work you need to find the real problem. You can get past the affair, but if you don't dig deep to find out why, you will find yourself repeating history.

[herenow]

My point is, you're blowing sunshine up our skirts. If you were truly happy after your H's affair, you wouldn't still be here on LS, spending so much time "sharing your story". You're trying too hard to prove it. And I'm not buying it. It's a nice, tidy little way to create your own "bubble" of reality that has nothing to do with the truth. But I can't say I blame you. I don't know what better tool to use than DENIAL, in order to convince yourself to stay with someone who betrayed you so completely.

 

Whatever OpenBook. You live in your reality and I'll take mine. If I'm in a bubble, I have every intention of staying here because I wouldn't want it any other way.

[herenow]

As I leave for the weekend, I'm sure others will come here to say that I'm not really happy and that I'm in denial. There is nothing I can do about that. They will believe what they want and that's fine. All I can say to those who are where I was is: Consider the source of these comments.

 

Like NID said, you have control over your life. Make choices that work for you. Just know that no matter what posters here say, recovery is possible.

 

Have a great weekend!

[silktricks]

Yeah, I'd say that your H had a HUGE issue - YOU, when you walked out that door. He wasn't the one with the avoidance problem. YOU were.

Actually, we both were.

 

Oh, so your H doesn't "deal with interpersonal relationships very well"? Sounds like a big problem to me.

People who have affairs don't deal well with interpersonal relationships, specifically they don't deal well when there are problems in those relationships. My husband did not deal well when we hit some problems. But hey, who deals with everything well all the time? I'm sure the answer is no one.

 

Silky you are too much. YOU forgave HIM? What about him forgiving YOU for abandoning him?

Yes, Bookie, I forgave HIM. He also forgave ME. And as I've said until my teeth ache, we had discussed our separation and together decided it was a good thing, the fact that he wasn't being honest (even with himself) about how he really felt was not my problem . I did not abandon him.

 

You seem to want to believe that a marriage cannot be recovered. That's too bad, it must be difficult to want something so badly that just isn't true. To paraphrase a woman who writes better than I, you live in your reality and enjoy it. I'll live in mine. I'm certainly enjoying it and have no plans to ever leave it!! :laugh:

[silktricks]

if you want your marriage to work you need to find the real problem. You can get past the affair, but if you don't dig deep to find out why, you will find yourself repeating history.

 

This is key. If anyone learns anything in this thread, please learn this. If you want your marriage to work, if you want your life to work, what is important is finding the problems in yourself and resolving those problems.

Both people in the marriage are important to the health of the marriage.

[silktricks]

As I leave for the weekend, I'm sure others will come here to say that I'm not really happy and that I'm in denial.

 

HN, let me be the first to say that I'm sure you are really happy and that you ain't in denial.

 

Have a good weekend!!

[OpenBook]

You seem to want to believe that a marriage cannot be recovered. That's too bad, it must be difficult to want something so badly that just isn't true. To paraphrase a woman who writes better than I, you live in your reality and enjoy it. I'll live in mine. I'm certainly enjoying it and have no plans to ever leave it!! :laugh:

 

Well OK Silky! I'm glad you're happy. I hope nothing comes along again and pops your little bubble.

 

- Bookie

[reboot]

Reboot, my mouth dropped when I read this. I agree with you... but I'm single. I wonder if other married people besides you feel this "aloneness." I thought this was the reason why a lot of people get married - so they DON'T have to go through life alone. Am I wrong?

It's just the reality of our species. We're not telepathic like ET. A spouse is our partner in life, our soulmate if we're lucky. But in the end, we're all very much alone.

[luvmy2ns]

My point is, you're blowing sunshine up our skirts. If you were truly happy after your H's affair, you wouldn't still be here on LS, spending so much time "sharing your story". You're trying too hard to prove it. And I'm not buying it. It's a nice, tidy little way to create your own "bubble" of reality that has nothing to do with the truth. But I can't say I blame you. I don't know what better tool to use than DENIAL, in order to convince yourself to stay with someone who betrayed you so completely.

 

Yeah, I'd say that your H had a HUGE issue - YOU, when you walked out that door. He wasn't the one with the avoidance problem. YOU were.

 

Oh, so your H doesn't "deal with interpersonal relationships very well"? Sounds like a big problem to me.

 

Silky you are too much. YOU forgave HIM? What about him forgiving YOU for abandoning him?

 

My point is, you're blowing sunshine up our skirts. If you were truly happy after your H's affair, you wouldn't still be here on LS, spending so much time "sharing your story". You're trying too hard to prove it. And I'm not buying it. It's a nice, tidy little way to create your own "bubble" of reality that has nothing to do with the truth. But I can't say I blame you. I don't know what better tool to use than DENIAL, in order to convince yourself to stay with someone who betrayed you so completely.

 

Well OK Silky! I'm glad you're happy. I hope nothing comes along again and pops your little bubble.

 

- Bookie

 

You know, a woman started this "positive" thread to give encouragement to others who have been in the unfortunate and unhappy position she found herself in the past. Each and every thing you have said on here, OB, is snide and negative. What, exactly, is your goal? To make anyone else who comes across your sarcastic posts as miserable as you obviously are? And no, I'm not a BS, so don't even try to go there.

[DazedandConfused66]

All I can say is....

 

This thread is filled with bitter, seething anger and rock throwing at the OP for having the gall to claim that you can recover from an affair.

 

I for one would much rather live with the humility that comes with forgiveness than the bitterness that comes with anger for rejecting your spouse. There were two people who stood at the altar and claimed "for better or for worse," if I'm not mistaken.

 

But personal choice I guess.