OpenBook Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 You know, a woman started this "positive" thread to give encouragement to others who have been in the unfortunate and unhappy position she found herself in the past. Each and every thing you have said on here, OB, is snide and negative. What, exactly, is your goal? To make anyone else who comes across your sarcastic posts as miserable as you obviously are? And no, I'm not a BS, so don't even try to go there. Because this "encouragement" is not based on the truth. And I'm calling her on it. So you think my posts are snide and negative, eh? That's really rich, coming from you. I can't do anything about your opinion that I am miserable. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, however wrong it may be. Whatever the truth actually is in my personal life, however, you will be the last to know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Because this "encouragement" is not based on the truth. This is not something you can possibly know, you can only assume. So the question then becomes, why do you want to assume that it is not based on truth? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 This is not something you can possibly know, you can only assume. So the question then becomes, why do you want to assume that it is not based on truth? Well, you're assuming that it IS true. I'm assuming that it is not. So you're telling me I'm wrong for assuming?? Nice try. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 You're obviously really bitter about something. Or else what's the point. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 You're obviously really bitter about something. Or else what's the point. Look guys, I'm putting my opinion out there. I believe very strongly (in case you hadn't noticed) that once the H strays, there is no way the W can completely trust him again. And once that trust is gone in a M, it dies. I just don't see a M recovering after that. Oh sure, the M can continue. But at what cost to the quality of life? And it doesn't matter whether you think I'm wrong, bitter, sarcastic, snide, negative, or whatever other label you care to throw at me. It's my opinion. I'm voicing it. Just as you are voicing yours. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Look guys, I'm putting my opinion out there. I believe very strongly (in case you hadn't noticed) that once the H strays, there is no way the W can completely trust him again. And once that trust is gone in a M, it dies. I just don't see a M recovering after that. Oh sure, the M can continue. But at what cost to the quality of life? And it doesn't matter whether you think I'm wrong, bitter, sarcastic, snide, negative, or whatever other label you care to throw at me. It's my opinion. I'm voicing it. Just as you are voicing yours. Your opinion is fine for you, but a couple of us aren't voicing just opinion. We are voicing our experience. Our lives. We know that trust can be regained and the marriage fully recovered because we've done it. In fact, it can be better than it was before the affair ever happened. Because this doesn't fit with your opinion, you call us liars. At the same time, in the OW forum, if someone does the same thing you are doing here, you call them bullies. It does appear that you have some real issues with BS forgiving their formerly straying WS, because those of us who have done so come in for anger from you. So again, I ask, why do you assume she is lying? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Because this doesn't fit with your opinion, you call us liars. At the same time, in the OW forum, if someone does the same thing you are doing here, you call them bullies. It does appear that you have some real issues with BS forgiving their formerly straying WS, because those of us who have done so come in for anger from you. So again, I ask, why do you assume she is lying? No, I'm calling you out on things because you guys contradict yourselves all over the boards. So much so that I do not find your words credible anymore. I have already explained my position in this thread, over and over again, if you care to reread my posts. I stand behind every word. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Because this "encouragement" is not based on the truth. And I'm calling her on it. How do you know what her life is like? She says how things are in her marriage, and you say it's otherwise. What the f....? Whatever the truth actually is in my personal life, however, you will be the last to know about it. Oh, whatever shall I do! I'll have no life at all now that OB won't share her life's adventures with me! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 So again, I ask, why do you assume she is lying? Because some OW can't digest the fact that a MM would toss aside an OW and stay with the W, should she allow him to stay. That would crush the mistaken belief that their MM never lies to them. I mean, after all, why would the MM stay with the W he complained so much about to the OW? If the W was that awful and the OW was so wonderful, well, the MM would be with the OW - right? But there are sooooo many OW on LS who have been with their MM for years upon years, listening to the same old lines about "someday" and "just until the kids are grown." Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Look guys, I'm putting my opinion out there. I believe very strongly (in case you hadn't noticed) that once the H strays, there is no way the W can completely trust him again. And once that trust is gone in a M, it dies. I just don't see a M recovering after that. Oh sure, the M can continue. But at what cost to the quality of life? And yet the OW/OM here are quite adamant that THEY can trust this person who has already proven themselves to be both a liar and a cheater? Now who's talking out of both sides of their mouth? Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 No, I'm calling you out on things because you guys contradict yourselves all over the boards. So much so that I do not find your words credible anymore. I have already explained my position in this thread, over and over again, if you care to reread my posts. I stand behind every word. Shucks OB, as soon as I said I forgave my husband and our marriage is better than it ever was you didn't find my words credible. You don't have to pretend that I'm contradicting myself, you just can't believe that I'm telling the truth. That's OK, because it really doesn't matter an iota to me what you believe. Have a good day, now, y'hear? Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 And yet the OW/OM here are quite adamant that THEY can trust this person who has already proven themselves to be both a liar and a cheater? Now who's talking out of both sides of their mouth? ExACTly what I thought when I read that hogwash. Link to post Share on other sites
ohmy3 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Boy if there hope @ the end of this I have never heard anyone I know personaly say so............ No 1 I know personaly , wants to stand by the other when they have trampled all over your heart. But glad to hear some will. Takes all kinds to make the world go ROUND & ROUND. Good luck to whom stay. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Boy if there hope @ the end of this I have never heard anyone I know personaly say so............ Hope? Well, there are a number of very lovely people here who have convinced me that maybe there is. I can't say for sure yet. It takes every ounce of willpower just to be civil most of the time. But I certainly appreciate the message they try to spread. We could use more like them in this world. There are also a number of people here who have convinced me that my previously low opinion of humanity was way too high in the first place. To each his own I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted October 2, 2007 Author Share Posted October 2, 2007 Hope? Well, there are a number of very lovely people here who have convinced me that maybe there is. I can't say for sure yet. It takes every ounce of willpower just to be civil most of the time. But I certainly appreciate the message they try to spread. We could use more like them in this world. There are also a number of people here who have convinced me that my previously low opinion of humanity was way too high in the first place. To each his own I suppose. reboot, The people here can not speak about your reality. And, no matter what they think or say, they can't know or change mine. They think that because I come here once or twice a week, I can't possibly be happy. I'm not in high school anymore, but I still go to the reunions. Does that mean I'm not happy with my life? Maybe it does to some people. I can tell you with all my heart, that both my H and I have made some very drastic changes since his affair. Changes that needed to be made for our marriage to survive, affair or not. People say that a marriage will never be the same after an affair. To that I say Amen. There is no way I would have stayed if it was. I don't even wear the same wedding ring as a simple symbol that I don't want that marriage back. It was not healthy for anyone. People and situations can change. In my case they changed for the better and as I have said many times, our marriage is much stronger. We are older, wiser and have taken the steps to be better individuals so that we can be better to each other and everyone else around us. It was necessary for both of us to take responsibility for our part in the breakdown of our marriage. Once again, the OW or OM is not part of the fix. I believe they are not even part of the problem. Sure, I had hatred towards the OW in the beginning, what BS doesn't? But, I soon found that any focus on her was time taken away from what is really important. She then became insignificant to me. The focus needed to be on my H and my marriage. My H takes 100% responsibility for his actions. He had the affair and he has never blamed me or the OW. I also blame him for his actions. To blame the OW would once again be a waste of energy that belongs elsewhere. So, reboot, people can change, but only if THEY want to. Don't give up on humanity because some people here are cynical. After all, by their own admission if they were happy, they wouldn't be here. Now would they? Link to post Share on other sites
ohmy3 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 your just willing to overlook/forgive/move on, more than others. thats not bashing you it is jsut very hard to understand? it is sad that such a thing had to happen to you, for you and your hubby to make postive changes @ your hearts expesne , seems not fair @ all to you! but as i just stated above in my last post good for the 1's that will stand by the other and be strong enough to endure that exp. , because you or someone eles may choose to stay OR NOT to stay don't make that person better or less than thoese whom do, it boils down to what your standards are and what you willing to put yourself threw for love................ plain and simple. wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted October 2, 2007 Author Share Posted October 2, 2007 your just willing to overlook/forgive/move on, more than others. thats not bashing you it is just very hard to understand? it is sad that such a thing had to happen to you, for you and your hubby to make postive changes @ your hearts expesne , seems not fair @ all to you! but as i just stated above in my last post good for the 1's that will stand by the other and be strong enough to endure that exp. , because you or someone eles may choose to stay OR NOT to stay don't make that person better or less than thoese whom do, it boils down to what your standards are and what you willing to put yourself threw for love................ plain and simple. wish you well. You are right in saying that it's up to how much you are willing to do. I don't think it has to do with my standards as much as the fact that I feel my H and my marriage was worth a second chance. It is a very individual decision that needs to be made based on the facts of the situation. No situation is the same since no person is the same. My marriage would not have survived if we didn't address the problems that we had individually and together. The affair had nothing to do with that fact. Even if my H didn't have an affair, we would have been at the same place. The affair was not the problem, it was how my H dealt with the problem, but not what caused the problems in our marriage. I think it's wrong to tell someone that they have in some way disrespected themselves because they made the choice to try and fix a relationship. As long as both people involved are wiling to do what it takes, why is that such a bad thing? It is certainly your opinion and I respect that. I don't expect you to understand my situation as I certainly don't understand how someone can be an OW (not that you are one, I don't know your story) We will just have to agree to disagree and like you did for me, I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 As long as both people involved are wiling to do what it takes, why is that such a bad thing? Because the one who will always suffer will the the BS. You can work as hard as you like, and he can do cartwheels to prove to you today that you are safe, but you will never be safe. You can never EVER trust him the way you did before, and if he ever feels like doing it again he knows he can because you will not leave him. You may act as happy as you want on the outside but on the inside the insecurity is there for life, the suspicion and the reminders of the past. I personally think people who are betrayed and keep the cheater settle but that's my opinion. If the affair is so much about the cheater and it has nothing to do with what is going in the rel. then the cheater will find another excuse to do it again down the line because afterall it solely depends on him. Link to post Share on other sites
ohmy3 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Of course I am not a OW. duh! I agree w/ the post above me as well your trying way to hard to PROVE yourself as over it or whatever............ I don't buy it. My last post on yours you have excuses after excuses for what was done to you don't sound like you love yourself much and are willing to accept what he does and you say his poor choice to screw around on you had nothing to do w/your marriage issues . OK weird ..... cause he couldn't be man enough to move on or keep his pants on while w/ you & here you are defending it and saying your happy! i think your in the FOG. you only get outta life what you require (your standards) of your spouse and if you will accept to be sh*t on you will get just that. And whatever my story is we all have 1 it is irrelevant, you posted and wanted replies so you are finding them........... Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 Of course I am not a OW. duh! I agree w/ the post above me as well your trying way to hard to PROVE yourself as over it or whatever............ I don't buy it. My last post on yours you have excuses after excuses for what was done to you don't sound like you love yourself much and are willing to accept what he does and you say his poor choice to screw around on you had nothing to do w/your marriage issues . OK weird ..... cause he couldn't be man enough to move on or keep his pants on while w/ you & here you are defending it and saying your happy! i think your in the FOG. you only get outta life what you require (your standards) of your spouse and if you will accept to be sh*t on you will get just that. And whatever my story is we all have 1 it is irrelevant, you posted and wanted replies so you are finding them........... Actually, I didn't ask for replies, I was giving hope to those who are trying to work of their marriage. You are welcome to reply since this is a public forum and you are entitled to your opinion. I have nothing to prove to you so carry on saying whatever you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 Gotta go but I have one last thing to say. I find it interesting that some people have actually taken the time to try and prove that I'm not happy. I really dont understand why they care so much. I have nothing to gain by convincing those people otherwise. They are not the ones that this post is intended for. To the people who are working on their marriage, please know that it's not impossible as some would say. It isn't easy, but it is possible to build a stronger marriage. Everyone has their own experience and reasons for what they do. No one can tell you how to feel or what to do. There is so much anger in some of the posts that all I can say is you have to look at the source of the post. Please don't let someone else's anger discourage you from making the best choice for you. Have a great night! Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Hi herenow. I believe you are happy. We started this site and this awful adventure around the same time and I'm happy to say I am in the same place as you. Happy. Very happy. Trust, I have it. Occasional concerns slip in but I would be a fool now not to be more alert but being more alert does not mean I am not happy. I am just not as naive as I once was. Someone said your husband knows he can do it again because you took him back. That is hogwash. My husband would be out on his ass so quick he won't know what hit him and he knows this. He knows I will never experience that pain again What you don't see is the work that is made behind closed doors. The tears and the begging and proving of their love that the cheater has to do to be let back in. It is not a matter of letting it go or of forgiveness. It is a matter of them building the trust with you that you understand they know they made a huge huge mistake and one they will never make again. I can't say with 100% certainty that this won't happen again because I thought that before this. What I can say is I know in my heart he would never put me, our children or himself through this pain again. At times I think his pain and guilt may be greater then mine. I am happy like herenow and honestly I don't care if anyone believes me or not. I come to the site and read mostly the ow/om forum because I became fascinated with it when I learned about women putting themselves in this situation. My anger with them is how they let themselves as women be treated as they do. It's heartbreaking to me to see that women would let themselves be used and believe all the lies the mm tell and how they would aid the mm in deceiving their wives. I hate seeing a young woman waste the best years of her life on a man with a whole other life. I hate these men for this and the ows that are not the predatory type I have sympathy for and wish they could get the self esteem boost hey need to not be treated second by someone. I don't make comments in ow/om out of bitterness but out of a strong desire for these young women to wakeup and tell this man I come first or not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 HN- Quick question ..... I've read so many threads around here that everyones stories have gotten all meshed togeher in my brain. It was either you or another poster here who has said that you believed your H never actually actually slept with the OW. Was it you? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 and if he ever feels like doing it again he knows he can because you will not leave him. Where are you getting this from? MOST BS's will not put up with a second round of cheating and another affair. I'm pretty sure that if HN's husband chose to cheat on her again, he'd be out on his ass asap. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I find it interesting that some people have actually taken the time to try and prove that I'm not happy Because those who are trying to poo-poo you are the ones who resent BW's who give their cheating husbands' a second chance. Someone said your husband knows he can do it again because you took him back. That is hogwash. My husband would be out on his ass so quick he won't know what hit him and he knows this. He knows I will never experience that pain again Exactly! Link to post Share on other sites
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