Why am I even considering this??

[scared007]

My bf and I have been dating for 1.5 years. We're both mature adults, both divorced, both with children, etc. I'm in love with him. So why am I thinking about having sex with one of my close male friends? We have a problem in the sex department - we don't live together, not alot of alone time, so my sexual needs aren't being met. Honestly, it could be alot better - he says sex isn't as "important" to him as it is to me. He SAYS that, but he cheated on me with his ex-wife. I chose to take him back and work on making it work, and we've come a long ways - but I am soooo sexually unfulfilled. My BF could, and has, laid in my bed, on consecutive nights, and never make love to me. A woman wants to be wanted!! I do value quality over quantity, but enough is enough. Or, rather, not enough is not enough. And, believe me, we've talked about this many times.

 

Here's where my friend enters.

 

He and I very close, and had sex a couple times two years ago, when I was between relationships. Since then, its strictly platonic. He knows my kids, my bf, comes to birthday parties, I go to his, I know his gf, etc. But there's still this THING there....this attraction...and he knows how rocky the relationships is with bf. This THING is building. We're actually having a text discussion about starting an affair.

 

WHY am I doing this? I love my bf! I feel guilty already and haven't even done anything. But I WANT to...that's why I feel guilty. I want to because he's making me feel desirable and lusted for...but I do NOT want to ruin the progress that I've made with bf. I do not want to hurt him. I have dreams of spending the rest of my life with bf. I laid in the bed last night and watched my bf sleeping (no sex AGAIN) and thought about how much I love him, and I really do adore him.

 

I don't know what to do...I've tried so hard to make it work with bf, to communicate with him about my needs....I don't want to give up what I have with him for sex.

 

What do I do?

[LoveLace]

I have to say...makes me appreciate my overly horny boyfriend... I feel for you. The problem is no longer the fact that sex is less important to him, the problem is that you are not getting all of your most important needs met to the point where you consider getting them else where. If you love your BF and want the relationship to have a chance for survival, you should remind him again that your sexual needs are not being met and now your having thoughts of getting it other ways (don't say with someone specific just in general). Tell him you do not want to cheat on him but you want this relationship to work, so can we find a compromise?

 

But no matter how the talk goes, you can't continue to feel this way without cheating and/or the relationship falling a part. This is a major compatibility factor that is not making you happy. We'd like to think the sexual part is not all that important, but it is. So if your BF still fails to meet your needs with time, eventually you should just break it off instead of cheating.

[LakesideDream]

Scared007, come on now, take that "honesty pill". You are thinking about the other guy cause the grass may be greener... you may be able to "upgrade". He may be a better fit for you, heck he may be a better fit for your children too.

 

You've already burned through one marriage, and created children. That obviously wasn't "good enough" for whatever reason. He cheated, you cheated, one of you had an "emotional affair", there were financial problems, emotional ones, something went wrong. Now you are in another relationship where you have options. You are researching those options. Regardless of the reality that 2nd and 3d marriages fail at a substantially higher rate than 1st marriages.

 

Decide soon.

[scared007]

No, Lakeside, that isn't the case at all. I realize that my relationship is in trouble because I'm even thinking about going elsewhere...and thinking about doing it for purely sexual reasons. NOT to upgrade. This isn't about leaving one relationship for another. This is about sex.

 

I've decided. I'll put a lid on the thing with my friend and put all my focus into my relationship. After all, that's really where I want to be, and regardless of the temptation, I'm an adult capable of making intelligent decisions with my head, not my hormones.

 

I just hope my committment to my relationship pays off!

 

Thanks guys.

[BentSpine]

I am afraid calling your need for raging hormones doesn't make the need go away. You have already tried doing nothing and it led you to posting here. If you change nothing, prepare yourself for more of the same feelings.

 

I think sexual compatibility is very important in relationship.

[LoveLace]

If you remain disappointed in the sexual aspect of the relationship, I think it commonly leads to disappointment in the relationship in general. I personally don't think I could stay with a guy who's sex drive was only half mine or less...even if I thought everything else about him was perfect...it's just too big of a need to ignore.

[scared007]

Anybody got any words of wisdom regarding the possiblity of this issue getting any better? WILL it get better, or worse? I keep telling myself that it WILL get better. The more we know each other, the more comfortable we get with each other, the more time we spend together...shouldn't it get better?

 

I have initiated this conversation with him several times. He flat out told me once that our sex life would NEVER be the way I wanted it to be - just wouldn't happen. And there are several reasons for his opinion on that - his hesistancy to make the first move, he's getting older, the kids at home...

 

Its not a quality issue, there's no complaints there. Strictly a quantity problem.

 

So, any suggestions for how to FIX this?

[LoveLace]

Wow Scared I'm so sorry...he flat out told you it will never change...so I don't see how it can get better. It's good that the rest of it gets better...but I guess it's up to you to decide weather or not it's all that great enough to live without the one part that's missing. But if he bluntly told you it will never be the way you want it, then he probably means it. Have you told him that this puts the survival of the relationship in the air for you, because it does, obviously. Even then it doesn't sound as though he's willing to compromise and will say "take it or leave it". If you think you can take it and choose to stay with him, there is no excuse for you to cheat.

 

It's different if your BF used to bang you all the time and then starts neglecting you....in your case your aware of his low sex drive from the beginning.

 

If you stay with him you have to accept the sexual part (or non-sexual part) and be faithful. If the lack of sex makes you unhappy, you shouldn't stay with him, point-blank, unless you want to cheat. After your last post I think it's clear that you only got a couple choices here. The only way for it to get better is to follow your heart and put yourself in a place where you feel ful-filled in all the ways most important to you.

[Lance Taylor]

I will definitely not get better as long as you are talking to other men about your sex life and considering having an affair. That is one of the worst things you could possibly do. I bet the other guy takes you side and says "wow I cant believe he doesnt want to sleep with you." That makes you even more frustrated and makes you think something is even more wrong than you thought.

 

So, if you want it to work with your bf, then stop talking about your relationship with other guys. If you dont want it to work, then go sleep with the other guy.

[Whyme_wtf]

You are vulnerable. If you want this to succeed then do not put yourself in any compromising situations.

I dont understand how selfish a partner could be to not try to help a person in need or satisfy their needs.