Spinderella Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 If you had a girlfriend who was ill, and throughout the relationship had difficulty in commiting to you, but also was very ill sometimes and you said she could call any time for help, because that was most important.... Well if eventually you tired of her lack of commitment, and stopped being in love with her but "still cared", so you broke things off. Well then say she was a little confused and wanted to talk about working things out, but you were adamant that, that was it. You had lost those loving feelings and it was too late to work things out... Well say she accepted that a tad emotionally, but understanding of your position and agreed it was best for all concerned. Well say she got ill again and called and left a message saying she was very ill, because, well you said you still cared alot about her, and since you dumped her, and are very sure about this, and have lost all loving feelings for her anyway and you know that she is fine about this too.... Well, would you: Answer her call? Make sure she is alright? Do something to help her out? Ignore her? Something else? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I would probably help her out as friend but I would not pursue anything with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ssheena Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Mentally or physically ill? Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I would probably help her out as friend but I would not pursue anything with her. Thanks Woggle. Just what I thought, thats what most humans would do. Not saying youre the voice of millions, but I know thats what I would do too. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Mentally or physically ill? What difference would it make? Link to post Share on other sites
SuperHands Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I would do something to help her out, but as indirectly as possible ie asking a friend to help. I would not ignore her at any costs, that's just cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
Ssheena Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 It is a ploy that some people use to stay involved with other people - I'm going to off myself, I'm so depressed etc... almost the same as "accidentally" getting pregnant before the person breaks up with them. In this case, you may have to be very firm with them and assist but repeatedly repeat this doesn't change my feelings and that you are going to need to eventually be able to deal with this on your own. Otherwise, you are going to get stuck being the rescuer all the time. Being in this person's life, no matter if she says she accepts your decision or not, is just going to prolong your involvement with her and her with you. Link to post Share on other sites
madgun68 Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I'd check to see if she was okay and help out if I could. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 It is a ploy that some people use to stay involved with other people - I'm going to off myself, I'm so depressed etc... almost the same as "accidentally" getting pregnant before the person breaks up with them. I know that people do use this ploy, if they were dumped and desperate to do anything to get the ex back. Different entirely though, if they had never been able to commit to the relationship and had said as much after the break-up aswell. That the choice was best for all, and had been rational, even if a little emotional. AND if the illness had been ongoing throughout the relationship, and the guy has cared when he thought he might get a desirable result from caring. In this case, you may have to be very firm with them and assist but repeatedly repeat this doesn't change my feelings and that you are going to need to eventually be able to deal with this on your own. Otherwise, you are going to get stuck being the rescuer all the time. That would be a reasonable and compassionate response. Being in this person's life, no matter if she says she accepts your decision or not, is just going to prolong your involvement with her and her with you. That may be so, and would not be the best course of action in the long term, but if the break up was recent, and you knew that she was a reasonable human being, who would agree to this also, then a listening ear or small amount of caring would surely not be too much to give. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I would do something to help her out, but as indirectly as possible ie asking a friend to help. I would not ignore her at any costs, that's just cruel. Thanks superhands and dont know how to double quote in a post so...... Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I'd check to see if she was okay and help out if I could. Thanks also Madgun, Yes its okay, I know the truth. That "caring" was in fact a ploy, to use within the relationship and actually only then when convenient, i.e. no other plans made. One of the reasons for not being able to commit in the first place in fact. I just cannot stand it when guys pretend to be NICE to get what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 What difference would it make?are you f*cking kidding me? Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 are you f*cking kidding me? No. Why? Please elaborate on your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Spindy, I guess it depends on the situation. Once when I was still in school I caught a bug and and became very sick. It happened so quickly and I got so weak I could barely move. The last thing I remember that day was hitting speed dials on my phone. It turned out I'd dialed an old boyfriend. He must have known something was very wrong because he just came over. He had the scare of his life when he found me almost dead. He brought me to hospital and stayed a few days until I regained consciousness. He wasn't a friend anymore then and still isn't one, but I'm lucky he was a decent person. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Bosiell Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Hey Spind. As ever everyone is different. But personally I would not think twice about at very least answering the call and helping out if possible. Unless for some unseen circumstance here, why would anyone do anything but that?? Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Hi Carrot, Thankfully you had a nice ex boyfriend. See thats just thoroughly decent. I mean hopefully not too many guys would just leave someone there to die anyway, but, the fact that he realised something must be wrong and came over. Some guys might just think, whats she bothering me for. One in particular.... Bosiell, my point exactly. Thankyou Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 You know some might think "what is the ex bothering me for?" Sure, there are all kinds of manipulations and schemes to try to keep a lost love around but I strongly believe there is no force on earth that will make people care for you, even if you're ill, if they don't want to. There is also little that will keep caring people from caring for you despite anything you might say or do to get them to stop. In other words, we all have to own our own shyte. If you need help and your ex can help you what's wrong with asking? He doesn't have to help. He doesn't have to care even if he helps. But if you need help and can get help there, I say DUH take the help! Even if it's only talking a bit until you feel better. He's a big boy and he will find a way to take care of himself the same way you are finding a way. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Thanks Carrot, I think my upset comes from the fact, that when he was trying to impress me, he made himself very indispensible as far as illness was concerned. When he broke things off, he also said that I could call when I got ill. He knows that I am VERY independent at all other times, so it is not a question of him thinking I am weak, he knows I am not. Now he no longer wants to impress, its a very different story, it seems. Therefore, caring was not real, but used as a method to get what he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 That "caring" was in fact a ploy, to use within the relationship and actually only then when convenient, i.e. no other plans made. One of the reasons for not being able to commit in the first place in fact. I just cannot stand it when guys pretend to be NICE to get what they want. Sorry to hear you're realizing the true nature of your ex. I have seen this a lot on this board, and a few times in my friends' exes. This seems to be more of a typical male thing. When you're in, you're in. But when you're out, you're somewhat of a nonentity. It's a sign that you were lucky things ended because it's not the sign of a true caring person. It's a big red flag of selfishness. Women can be cold after breakups themselves, in a different way. They've evaluated the treatment, the pros and cons and they just won't budge. But I don't see a lot of women who aren't compassionate towards the ex if the ex is hurting. They just won't take them back. In the end, the true test of character is when someone is kind towards those who can't help or hurt them. It's extremely rare, however, so I wouldn't necessarily use this as ameasuring stick for your future dates. It would only set you up for disappointment. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 At last! Somebody understands! Thanks Daphne! I feel somewhat manipulated. I also feel weak because I saw a few red flags, but, kept taking him back anyway, because he could seem so genuine at times, and I would wonder if I had been wrong before. So I am annoyed at myself too. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Don't beat yourself up, Spin. Everyone's done it at some point. Just learn from it. When you see red flags that indicate the person is selfish, you have to decide if a relationship with that type of person is worth it. I believe that it's better to waste little time with this type of person, so I can leave myself open to someone who is good for me. That's why my relationships over the past 6 years have been short term. Once the red flags accumulated, I moved on, generally in 2 months. THere are a lot of screwed up people out there. I didn't know that before, but I know it with certainty now. You can be happy alone, with friends, building your life and being TRUE TO YOURSELF. Staying with someone who is selfish is not being at all true to yourself, and ultimately, if you're a giving person, it will only drag you down to their level. Unhealthy people are a drain on the healthy. Be kind to yourself and you'll move on faster. And trust me, I understand teh desire to settle because it's hrad to find someone. I'm fully fighting it daily myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Thanks again Daphne, Building up the rest of my life, and happiness is definetly something I need to do, and especially so that I can move on as soon as I see the slightest hint of a red flag. Its a good idea. I generally have not dated much the past 5 years or so, and I think I have "settled" more than I should have. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 We've all settled at some point or another. The fact is, there aren't a lot of trees around growing good guys. I don't think you need to bolt at the first hint. What I do is give him just enough rope to hang himself. Enough time so I don't have any regrets or worry that I was overly harsh or judgmental. The problem is, in my experience once the red flags have come out, there's never been a reasonable explanation. It is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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